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Tag Archives: Spain

My Freaky Mommy

21 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Courtney Love, Donna Simpson, embarrassing parents, fat people, Guinness Book of World Records, Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara, people of size, Rajo Devi Lohan, reality television, Spain, Victoria Lacatus, waddling grotesquery, world's fattest mom

By Smaktakula

In The Quaint Days Of Yesteryear, This Is What Passed For Embarrassing Parental Behavior.

Across time and culture it has long been the accepted practice of parents everywhere to embarrass their children. Historically this has taken many forms, with parents finding some way–a dead-end job, an embarrassing religious or social affiliation, or being personally grotesque–to mortify their offspring.  So it has gone since time began, and so it was assumed until recently, it would continue. But the current era’s tendency toward both permissiveness and cynicism means that parents must work increasingly hard to humiliate their jaded offspring.

The era of confessional reality TV ensures that parents can no longer rely upon being overly confessional (i.e., “Did Cindy tell you she was born with a vestigial tail?” or “No, I haven’t always been a woman . . .”), as today’s youth take any attention as a positive thing.

Nothing Is More Beautiful Or Natural Than Motherhood.

Nor does fringe-level employment scar children like it used to. In this age of unemployment and diminished expectations, no one is likely to be embarrassed that their father’s primary source of income is as a plasma donor.

Once upon a time having parents who were gay, super-religious, ultra-strict, nudists and the like was enough to mortify a child. But with society’s increasing fragmentation and constant search for meaning, a parent who embraces all of these characteristics is hardly unusual. Conventional wisdom says the era when parents could count on embarrassing their children is over.

Doctors Were Amazed Not Only That Victoria’s Massive Body Could Sustain A Pregnancy, But Also That She Found A Man Drunk Enough To Have Relations With Her.

But there are those who are still trying. These brave parental pioneers, or as some call them–holdouts, resist the defeatism of popular wisdom strive instead to find that thing which will induce shame-cringing in their offspring.

We’re Inclined To Agree.

Advances in medical science coupled with lapses in medical ethics are making it possible for old ladies to have children. The world’s oldest first-time mother,72-year-old Rajo Devi Lohan,* announced recently that she is dying from complications following the birth of her son, now eighteen months old. To her credit, Lohan has no regrets.

But there has been no comment from the eighteen-month old child she leaves behind to be raised by an even more decrepit husband. Similarly there has been silence from the orphaned 2-year-old twins of Spain’s Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara, formerly the world’s oldest mom. Bousada holds the distinction of having a name which takes more time to say than she actually spent with her children.

Silly Children! That’s Not The Grim Specter Of Death Grinning Down At You–That’s Just Mommy!

While having a ridiculously-ancient mommy delivers a massive dose of humiliation over a short period of time, some pro-humiliation parents are choosing a more measured approach: obesity. While obesity can lead to an early death, the human body is usually resilient enough to shoulder the load during child-bearing years, often keeping the parent alive well into their child’s adulthood. Furthermore, an amazing amount of posthumous humiliation is inflicted upon fatty’s children when several walls must be removed from the home before the corpulent corpse can be extracted.

It’s No Use Telling The Poor Man To Run–The Left Side Of His Body Has Already Been Assimilated.

532-pound heifer Donna Simpson is striving (figuratively speaking; the woman can barely walk) to become the World’s Fattest Mom.** Simpson, whose daughter Jacqueline will no doubt make her talk-show debut sometime circa 2025, claims that the Guinness Book of World Records is prepared to recognize her “achievement.” This claim could not be verified, and is most likely false.

Unless That’s Brown Celery, We Suggest You Put It Back.

Mothers like Simpson or Lohan demonstrate that the conventional wisdom is pretty conventional after all. Parents interested in continuing in the humiliation tradition would be wise to emulate either one of these women or better yet, to strike out on their own to discover wild new frontiers in mental scarring. And for those rare individuals who wish the psychic assault to ruin not just their children, but also generations of children yet unborn, can do their best to become Courtney Love.

“I Have To Do It, Honey! There Are Still People In America Who Haven’t Seen Mommy’s Cooter.”

* No relation to the straight-to-video Lohans.
**  While researching this story, we discovered to our horror that Ms. Simpson has her own pornographic site.  Although the image was on our screen for less than three seconds, it is etched into Smaktakula’s brain for all eternity.

Get Off The Vote

17 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', beating off, Catalonia, Catholicism, childish sexual innuendo, choking the chicken, democracy, female orgasm, flogging the dolphin, get off, jerking off, masturbation, orgasm, political parties, school bond issues, self-abuse, Socialist Catalonian Party, Spain, spanking the monkey, We'd stuff that ballot box

By Smaktakula

DAMN, School Bond Issues Get Us Hot.

In Spain, a Socialist Catalonian Party commercial has plunged the highly-conservative country into a paroxysm of emotion which is steadily, agonizingly building toward an explosively satisfying zenith.  The commercial depicts an attractive young lady so enamored of the voting process that the act of stuffing the ballot box brings her to orgasm.

Critics in the Catholic country are outraged at what they see as a promotion of promiscuity and a glorification of self-abuse.  However, defenders contend that the humorous commercial is a much-needed antidote to voter apathy.

Either way, this is a clear answer to those critics of democracy who claim that voting is little more than jerking off.

In light of this development, we plan to spend more time polling the electorate. ∞T

News of The Duh: Russia Declared ‘Mafia State’

06 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Alexander Litvinenko, Anna Politkovskaya, China, Cold War, death by bullet, death by ice pick, death by radiation, despots, Dmitry Medvedev, Jose Gonzales, Josef Stalin, journalists, KGB, killing journalists, Leon Trotsky, Mafia, mafia state, News of the Duh, political assassination, political killing, Polonium-210, radiation sickness, repression of dissent, Russia, Spain, United States of America, Vladimir Putin, What a country!, WikiLeaks, Yakov Smirnoff

By Smaktakula

Wildly Funny Russian Comedian Yakov Smirnoff Once Compared His Adopted Homeland With The Country Of His Birth, Saying, "In America, You Can Always Find A Party. In Russia, Party Finds You."

Revelations from the most recent round of WikiLeaks.org releases have stunned the international community.  Among them are documents in which a Spanish prosecutor termed Russia a “virtual mafia state,” and said that he “cannot differentiate between the activities of the government and organized crime groups.”

Like Many Anti-Putin Journalists, Anna Politkovskaya Was The Victim Of An Unlucky Accident. The Elevator In Which She Was Riding Malfunctioned And Shot Her Four Times.

The prosecutor, Jose Gonzales could not be reached for comment.  This is largely due to safety concerns for anyone foolish enough to come within 100 feet of the doomed Spaniard.  Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert on Russian statecraft, said, “Mr. Gonzales has made an enemy of the Putin government,” adding that in 1940, Stalin’s government had gone to great lengths to plant an ice pick in Leon Trotsky’s skull, “He’s pretty much fucked.”

"You See That Guy? When I Was In Seventh Grade, That Guy Was The Editor Of The School Paper, And He'd Always Misspell My Name 'Poopin.' You Still Think You're Funny, Mr. Funny Newspaper Guy?"

Further allegations in the leaked documents border upon the fantastic.  So-called “oil experts” cited in the diplomatic cables allege that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin amassed at least some portion of his vast fortune through extralegal means.

Russian President and Putin stooge Dmitry Medvedev was quick to dismiss the allegations as “cynicism,” explicitly pointing to the US.  Medvedev further indicated that Putin’s longtime involvement with law-enforcement as a KGB officer makes him especially sensitive to the delicate questions of personal liberty.

This Putin Critic Died Of Radiation Sickness. What Did He Think Would Happen When He Unknowingly Ingested Polonium-210?

Russian journalists had this to say regarding the allegations:

. . .

 

"Come on--I Swear I Won't Be Mad. Seriously. Just Tell Me Who Said That. No, Really--I Think It's Totally Funny What Was Said And I Just Want To Know Who Said It, That's All. Come On, Tell Me."

The Cold War is over, and its authors long dead.  A New World Order rises, one in which the United States and fellow democracies Russia and China will share the responsibilities for creating the harmonious future we all deserve.  Until then, demonizing Russia’s tyrannical overlord is not only foolish, but possibly unfounded.  Unless Putin’s critics can produce a reliable witness, one who can be relied upon not to die prematurely, there’s little evidence that Putin is anything other than the gentleman he purports to be.

WHAT A COUNTRY!

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