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Tag Archives: beaver

Whatever Happened To The Beaver Shot?

16 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

beaver, childish sexual innuendo, death by embarrassment, DIY porn, Egypt, nude photos, phallic symbols, pornography, pr0n, we've still got 'em!

By Smaktakula

Nature Is Part Of Our Shared Heritage. Everyone Should Get A Chance To Check It Out At His Leisure.

Technology advances with dizzying rapidity, pulling a reluctant society along with it. Only a generation ago many of the daily conveniences we take for granted, such as email, cell phones and running water were nothing more than high-tech fantasies. This ever-accelerating advancement ensures that wherever the future leaves us, it will be  a strange and frightening place, too difficult to accurately predict from our unfavorable historical vantage.

But for the many advantages this new technology brings us, there come also attendant consequences. Among these is the deterioration of the traditional community structure–as the world around us grows smaller, the bonds which link us to our local communities begin to fray. Nor is there any doubt that the wealth of easy information available at a keyboard stroke has whetted society’s appetite for instant gratification, while at the same time atrophying those skills upon which real scholarship is based.

Um...It's Just That When You Asked If We Wanted To See Chris' Melons We Thought...But, You're Right, They Are Really Nice.

But perhaps the greatest loss in how we communicate with one another. Since ancient times, young people have signaled their affection for one another by exchanging  nude images. In prehistoric times these crude pornographic depictions likely took the form of cave drawings, just as in ancient Egypt human pudenda were immortalized in rare inks on the walls of excavated tombs. Oil paints were favored for beaver shots from the Renaissance until the early Twentieth Century, when boudoir photographs became the norm.

Particularly phallic lighthouse in Mamallaparum

They'll Tell You That Today, Nothing Is Left To The Imagination. That Simply Isn't True.

But changing mores have conspired to kill once and for all this treasured ancient custom. Whereas once entire families gathered  to celebrate this DIY-porn, passing little Suzie’s naked image hand to hand (and arriving twice at Uncle Joe), as the beaming girl reveled in their wholesome attentions, this harmless tradition is being increasingly seen in a negative light. Dwelling on the prurient, critics contend that not only does this trend tend to sexualize children,  but the resultant humiliation from the unintentional promulgation of the private images can have serious and long-lasting effects upon a young person’s self-esteem.

Sadly, this view seems to be gaining ground, despite the nudie-shot’s well-established cultural history. There are no doubt a great many individuals who welcome the loss of home-made spank pix. Even without Jurgen’s Lotion or a similar unguent, this is a slippery slope. Will these same critics be quite so sanguine when other liberties begin to disappear as well? Imagine if you will a world where it is no longer safe to disseminate personal information like your social security number and credit card information or where children are afraid to accept bus tickets sent to them over the internet by dangerous strangers. Doubtless, that’s a world where none of us want to live, and yet, with every beaver shot left uncaptured, we are one step closer to that reality.

Do You See It? It's EVERYWHERE, Man!

Hey–remember how when we broke up I said I deleted those pictures? No, that’s it. You remember that I said that though, right? ∞ T.

Return Of The Tallywhacker Snatchers

15 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

beaver, Catherine Kieu Becker, childish sexual innuendo, domestic abuse, John Wayne Bobbitt, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, mutilation, penis, porn, porn oddity, severed penis, sex crimes, shredded beef, tallywhacker snatchers

By Smaktakula

If There's One Lesson Life Teaches You, It's That The Biggest Threat To Wood Comes From The Beaver.

Lop-dicked loser John Wayne Bobbitt can thank his lucky stars that his wife wasn’t as smart–or as ruthless– as Garden Grove California’s Catherine Kieu Becker.  Bobbitt, it will be remembered, was such an abusive asshole that his wife Lorena sliced off his penis and threw it in a field.  After hours of surgery, the dick’s dick was reattached, and he went on to have a minor career as a porn oddity.

Losing His Penis Didn't Make Bobbitt Any Less Of A Dick, Just Less Of A Man.

But Becker was no amateur; she ensured that her estranged husband would rue forever the day he incurred her wrath.  Like Bobbitt, Becker sliced off her husband’s penis, using a ten-inch knife.  But rather than just leave the severed pecker somewhere it might possibly be found and reattached, Becker ran her husband’s manhood through the garbage disposal before calling 911.

Sometimes, Even When She's Wrong, The Best Thing To Do Is To Apologize.

Although several penis-chunks were recovered, doctors were unable to reattach the ruined Johnson.  It is hoped that Becker’s husband will be made whole again when medical science advances to such a degree that a few grams of shredded beef can be restored to its former condition as a fully-functional sexual organ.

Ouch.

For Some, Work Can Be A Grind

19 Thursday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Ana Catarina Silvares Bezerra, anxiety, beaver, Brazil, childish sexual innuendo, clam, flicking the bean, hypersexuality, masturbation, onanism, self-abuse

By Smaktakula

There's No Simple Answer To The Question 'What Time Does Ana Get Off?'

Life is stressful.  Work is stressful.  For most of us, there’s no escaping it.  But those for whom the pressures of everyday life are too much grasp desperately for anything which might bring a modicum of  relief.   One such person is Brazil’s Ana Catarina Silvares Bezerra, an accountant who takes a hands-on approach to stress relief.  Bezerra combats her workday woes by masturbating as much as 47 times a day.

Direct Physical Manipulation Is The Secret.

Unsurprisingly, Bezerra initially encountered some resistance from her employer, who asked that the accountant not flick her bean at work.  Bezerra was undeterred, and took her complaint to the Brazilian courts, insisting that she was suffering from severe anxiety and hypersexuality, and that rubbing one out was the only sure means to combat these conditions.  The courts agreed, and now Bezerra is free to watch porn on her work computer, all the while vigorously pleasuring herself.

Sometimes Ana Keeps A Snack In The Top Drawer Of Her Desk.

Although the accountant’s co-workers have gradually come to accept her thrice-hourly grind, she met with some resistance at first.  Bezerra’s orgiastic gyrations were often misperceived as fits of some kind, and even after the nature of her unique ailment was revealed, her onanistic episodes still caused moments of confusion.  Said one coworker, “We couldn’t tell if she was having a stroke or just having a stroke.”

Touch It. Go Ahead. Maybe Rub It A Little.

I Like Ike–But Just As Friends

17 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, History

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

activists, bad pickup lines, beaver, Chief Executive, Dwight Eisenhower, Helen Keller, I Like Ike, Ike, infidelity, it's good to be the king, President Eisenhower, read my lips, sex, sexual misconduct, skonks, we have no shame whatsoever

By Smaktakula

Perhaps it is the aphrodisiacal rush of power which causes influential men to stray from their spouses, or it may simply be that the oversexed are compelled strive for positions of power.  Either way, the truth is the same: Great men chase a lot of tail.

34th US President Dwight D. Eisenhower was no exception.  An inveterate skonk, Ike was constantly on the hunt for beaver.  Among his many conquests, however, were some shaming defeats.  Perhaps the most ignominious of these was his failed seduction of activist Helen Keller.

Ike Thought He'd Get More Traction From The Line, "You Won't Get Pregnant If You Can't See It Coming."

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