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Tag Archives: Keanu Reeves

For The Love Of Larry Wilcox

28 Thursday Mar 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in True-Ass Tales

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

CHiPs, dentists, douchebaggery, Erik Estrada, Erik Estrada > Larry Wilcox, Fonzie, gluttony, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Costner, Larry Wilcox, Steve, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, washed-up celebrities, Where Are They Now?, with friends like these

By Tardsie

It’s Okay That You Have No Idea Who Larry Wilcox Is. We’ll Try To Clear Everything Up.

I’ve told you before about my friend Steve, a guy I met in college. Steve is a nice guy, but back in our school days there was something about him, some weird quirk in his personality that went all the way to his DNA which made a person want to fuck with him. If a dude was gonna get decorated with a permanent marker, stuck with an ugly nickname or have a figurative rug yanked from beneath his feet during a moment of male bonding, it would be Steve. It’s hard to write this without sounding like a complete asshole (not least because at times we were complete assholes), but Steve brought a lot of it on himself. He was our pal, but there was an anger, an abrasiveness to him that, when combined with his constant need to impress, created an irritating cocktail that could sour even the sweetest nature.

One day, a bunch of us decided to go to McDonald’s for $0.25 hamburger day. We invited Steve, but as was sometimes his wont, he was being a whiny little dick, and for whatever reason didn’t want to go. Later, as we gorged upon a needlessly-massive pile of crappy burgers, we got to talking about how much of an anal wart Steve was being, and somebody remarked that it would be cool if we ran into a celebrity while we were eating lunch (not technically impossible–however unlikely–as we lived in the Greater Los Angeles area). “How pissed would Steve be if he missed out on seeing a celebrity?”

Sometimes I Would Literally Eat Until I Barfed. I Wish I Was Misusing The Word ‘Literally’ The Way So Many People Do These Days.

Pretty pissed, it was agreed. And so an idea began to form. What if we just told Steve we’d seen a celebrity? He’d never be the wiser. The possibilities for wicked fun rapidly began to suggest themselves. We knew we would have to choose our celebrity wisely, as this particular McDonald’s was in the ‘hood and about 20 miles from Hollywood. It was highly unlikely Steve would believe we’d seen the likes of Keanu Reeves or Kevin Costner¹ in this shithole. We’d have to think smaller.

“What about Erik Estrada?” someone asked. We’d been watching a lot of CHiPs reruns at the time.

But the Latino Fonzie was still too big for our McDonald’s. However, Larry Wilcox, the forgettable white dude who played his partner wasn’t. We had our ‘celebrity.’

And If You Can’t Be With The One You Love, Honey, Love The One You’re With.

My friend Giuseppe had the best handwriting,² and writing on McDonald’s napkins, he made individual “Larry Wilcox” autographs for everyone in the group, adding a personalized message at the end. After some thought, he made one for Steve as well.

When we got back to campus and told him the story of meeting Larry Wilcox, as we hoped, Steve was pissed at having missed meeting Officer Jon Baker in the flesh. However, his disappointment quickly turned to joy when he saw we’d remembered to bring back an autograph for him along with our own. He proudly displayed the forged document on the front of his dorm room door for all to see. It remained there for the rest of the year.

RK Was Another Kid I Knew From School. Total Douche.

¹ Hey, those guys were big stars at the time. ∞ T.
² His accomplished penmanship was somewhat ironic as he later went on to be a dentist, which some people consider to be kind of like a real doctor. ∞ T.

Suck It, Las Vegas!

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Music, True-Ass Tales

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

cheap thrills, dope, Georgia, grass, hemp, Keanu Reeves, Las Vegas, marijuana, medical marijuana, Nebraska, neon hellhole, Nevada, Omaha, places that suck, Poland, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, vulgarity, weed, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so ugly?

By Tardsie

We Took A Road Trip To Las Vegas! Don’t Worry, My Wife Drove.

My wife and I recently got back from Las Vegas, where we saw the Killers in concert on Friday night. It was an awesome, once-in-a-lifetime performance by a band at the top of its game and comfortably on its home turf. Here’s a clip from that kick-ass show (the song stops at 1:37 because a fight breaks out, then starts up again):

So we had a great time, both in Vegas and on the trip there and back, in which I got to visit a new medical marijuana dispensary and my wife got to stop at produce stands. As usual, I employed my foolproof gambling system to break even (my system is that I don’t gamble). But I don’t want to talk about how much fun we had on the trip or all the great memories we made–I want to bitch about Las Vegas.

How We Love To Hate You. Don’t Ever Change.

Here goes:

This place calls itself ‘Sin City’ while managing to keep a straight face. Apparently, the whole of the ‘sin’ experience begins with blowing your kid’s birthday cash at the craps table and ends with walking down the boulevard with a beer in your hand. So while you can bounce your eyes in time with the silicate breasts of leathery showgirls, you can’t actually have sex with them. You can get liquored up enough to drunkenly piss away in a few hours what you’ve worked a lifetime to build, but you can’t legally smoke a joint.

I Managed, Fortunately. Thanks To Vegas’ Constant Reek, They Thought I Was Smoking Harmless Tobacco.

And talk about a genetic clusterfuck! I’ve been to places like Georgia, Poland and Omaha, Nebraska–so you know I’ve seen some ugly people in my time, but never so many collected in one neon-ringed exhibit. Whether you’re dodging blubbery slugs on mobility scooters or avoiding the gaze of the shaking hardcase with the the 8:00 AM bloody Mary, Las Vegas has the power to make you feel special for achieving nothing more than an associate’s degree and a set of at least thirty teeth.

We Go Where The Beautiful People Are.

People claim they go to Las Vegas to have fun. Have you ever watched people while they gamble? You’ll see more human expression from Keanu Reeves playing an Easter Island statue in a made-for-TV movie. The rows upon rows of people at slot machines look like junkies in a shooting gallery, continuing to fix long after any sensation is gone.

But At Least You Had Fun, Right?

And lastly, it was cold! It’s the fucking desert, why is it cold? The response I always hear is that it’s cold because it’s the high desert. Bullshit–I was high as a motherfucker, and I still froze my ass off!

We’re Only Kidding Ourselves. We Can’t Quit You.

May You Live During Interesting Times

06 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Antoine Dodson, Bayeux Tapestry, Keanu Reeves, memes, people with short attention spans, The Meme Team

By Smaktakula

While we typically refrain from recycling material scoured from the wilds of the internet, this particular meme was too good to pass up.  Presenting for your viewing pleasure, the Meme Team.

God Bless Us, Everyone!

 The Meme Team may be the truest artistic representation of contemporary culture: It’s fun to look at and chock full o’ awesome, but ultimately  means nothing, an updated version of the Bayeux Tapestry for our short attention span lives.

And, we’re a little late to the dance on this one, but since we’re in for a penny . . .

Please enjoy the antic stylings of Antoine Dodson:

And–God Bless America!–he’s been set to music.

hide yo keeds
hide yo wife
hide yo keeds
hide yo wife

Saving Keanu

13 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Cinema, Culture, Health, Hollywood, People, Relationships

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Barack Obama, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Cheer Up Keanu, comical despots, crazy bastard, depression, despots, Johnny Mnemonic, Karl Childers, Keanu Reeves, Kim Jong-il, mental illness, My Own Private Idaho, Point Break, Sling Blade, stupidity, Thinksquad, untalented stars, Vladimir Putin, Whoa!

The crazy bastards at Thinksquad have always been ambitious–mercilessly antagonizing comical despot Kim Jong-il and mocking not-so-comical despot Vladimir Putin.  They’ve even explored Barack Obama’s regrettable past as a rap-video extra.  Now Thinksquad is taking on one man’s mental illness.   

It just may be the most important person of our times–the world’s preeminent thespian, trenchant philosopher and bona fide American* treasure: Keanu Reeves.  Apparently, the man who gave us such beloved characters as Theodore “Ted” Logan, Scott Favor and Johnnies Mnemonic and Utah has been in a blue funk lately, one which sources close to the megastar say could be life-threatening.   

Karl Childers, Keanu's Spiritual Mentor, Shares Some Wisdom: "Ah Bet Some French Frahd 'Taters'd Cheer You Raht Up. NNNGHHH."

See how you can help by clicking here: Whoa!   

*In light of his complete and total awesomeness, the Beruit-born Canadian citizen can be considered an “American” treasure.
Smaktakula

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