23 Monday Apr 2012
Posted in Celebrity, Entertainment
Tags
Celebrity Death Watch, former child stars, Full House, stupidity, TV makes you stupid, Where Are They Now?
Remember To Save At Least One Bullet For Kimmy Gibbler.
No one yet. You need a job?
05 Thursday May 2011
Tags
Andy Bell, Dipsy, Dora the Explorer, Erasure, gay, homosexuality, insipid entertainment, kiddie shows, Laa-Laa, Liberace, Po, Rev. Jerry Falwell, Scooby Doo, stupidity, Teletubbies, television characters, the myriad facets of gayness, Tinky Winky
Jerry Has Moved On. He Now Wants To Know Why Dora The Explorer Doesn't Like Boys.
Years ago the Reverend Jerry Falwell became a laughingstock when he declared that children’s television characters, the Teletubbies, were gay. Although the insipidly adorable British monstrosities, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po have been turning children’s brains to mush for almost fifteen years, there is no evidence to suggest that exposure to the Teletubbies has any effect on a child’s future sexuality.
Not Even Remotely Homosexual, But Still Gayer Than Liberace Draped In A Rainbow Flag And Eating An Ice Cream Cone While Riding A Sequin-Studded Unicorn.
Through the gulf of years, however, it becomes plain that the buffoonish Bible-thumper wasn’t altogether wrong. At the heart of the issue is the word ‘gay’ with its myriad connotations.
Secretly Knows He Will Never Reach The Swishy Benchmark Set By Tinky Winky.
It is ludicrous to think that four sexless, half-witted mutant hamsters could be homosexual (or any kind of sexual). Despite this, it is apparent to even the most casual observer that the Teletubbies are in fact massively gay.
Fred From Scooby Doo: Gay In EVERY Sense Of The Word.
11 Monday Oct 2010
Tags
5th SS Panzer Division Wiking, Adolf Hitler, cabals, GOP, historical reenactors, Michael Steele, National Socialism, Nazi uniform, New Order, Ohio, Ohio 9th Congressional District, political suicide, Republican Party, Rich Iott, SS, stupidity, Tea Party, Weekend Wehrmacht, white supremacists, Zionism
It turns out that Rich Iott, the GOP’s nominee for Ohio’s 9th Congressional District, likes to dress up as an SS officer. This may prove a liability in the upcoming election.
Had The Photo Been Of--Say, Iott Having Relations With A Goose, For Example--He Might Have A Chance. But This?
Although Iott contends that his activities with Wiking, a group which reenacts the battles of Germany’s 5th SS Panzer Division Wiking, merely reflect his love of history, this incident raises serious question about Iott’s electability. At the very least this displays a marked lack of judgement for a candidate. The only thing more politically damaging than being photographed in a Nazi officer’s uniform is actually going full Mönti and dressing up like Hitler.
"My Opponents Will Try To Use This To Discredit Me, But The Voters Are Smarter Than That. Come November, There Will Be A Final Solution. No . . .Wait. *Resolution.* That's What I Meant."
While this news should play well within the relatively tiny white supremacist subculture, that’s likely to be of little benefit to Iott, as very few such individuals vote, believing it to be a “waste of time since the Zionist cabal has already determined the winner.” It will play poorly with both the Democratic party and with moderate to conservative elements within the GOP. Members of the Tea Party are expected to react no more warmly. Although Iott is a Tea Party candidate, the party is said to be fuming at the weekend Krieger’s indiscretion. A disgusted Tea Party member was heard opining that, “You can’t have National Socialism without socialism.”
Michael Steele Inexplicably Remains As The GOP Chief: "Look, Everybody Dresses Up Like A Nazi Now And Then, Right? But What We're Saying Is, He Shouldn't Have Let Them Take His Picture."
Most observers predict that the disclosure of his involvement with the Weekend Wehrmacht will doom Iott’s election bid. Not so, says the congressional hopeful. “America has been ‘business as usual’ for too long. What you’re really talking about is institutional chaos. Rich Iott will make sense of the chaos, and with your help will bring about a New Order in November.”
Britain Bequeathed To America The Gift Of Liberty. It Stands To Reason Some Less Savory Traits Might Have Been Included.
24 Friday Sep 2010
Tags
death by popcorn, diacetyl, diacetyl-induced bronchiolitis obliterans, Dr. Cecile Rose, fat people, huffing, huffing corn, microwave popcorn, Mr. Popcorn, popcorn, popcorn disease, Popcorn Worker's Lung, stupidity, sweet sweet maize, toxins, Why am I so fat?
If you’re one of the millions of people around the world who love the smell of buttery popcorn, then you owe a great deal of thanks to an unnamed Colorado man who learned a very hard lesson on your behalf.
Popcorn: It Would Be Called 'The Silent Killer' If Not For That Loud Popping Sound It Makes.
Around 2007, the man went to his doctor complaining of breathing difficulties. Tests revealed extensive lung damage of a kind typically exhibited by workers in industrial or agricultural facilities. The man’s ailment was initially a mystery, and a variety of theories were put forth and discarded until finally the culprit was identified.
This man liked microwave popcorn. He liked it a lot. The man confessed to the doctors that he’d eaten at least two bags a day for at least a decade. The Colorado man said of himself, “I am Mr. Popcorn. I love popcorn.” Unsurprisingly, he was overweight.
Lest any popcorn-chawing members of the Cadre Promethean worry, it wasn’t the eating of microwave popcorn that proved to be Mr. Popcorn’s nemesis. No, he loved the rich buttery smell of the sweet, sweet maize so much that he would put his face into the bag like a horse with its feed and inhale deeply before eating.
Corn Huffing Is Cool At First, But It Quickly Becomes Your Life.
At the time, most brands of microwave popcorn contained diacetyl, a chemical which adds extra yumminess to the buttery flavor. However, diacetyl is toxic when inhaled, leading to diacetyl-induced bronchiolitis obliterans, known more simply by the much-cooler term “Popcorn Worker’s Lung.” Mr. Popcorn had managed to contract a disease heretofore only known in the popcorn industry.
It is difficult to imagine what Mr. Popcorn must be going through. But according to one of the physicians who worked with him, Dr. Cecile Rose, his debilitating condition was the furthest thing from his mind. As always, he was focused on the hot, buttery goodness of exploded corn kernels. Said Dr. Rose, “He was really upset that he couldn’t have it anymore.”
"A Day Without Popcorn Is A Day Without Sunshine."
17 Friday Sep 2010
Tags
acid attack, attention-seeking behavior, Bethany Storro, dishonesty, liars, mysterious African-American assailant, race baiting, regrets, self-inflicted wounds, self-loathing, stupid criminals, stupid people, stupidity, Vancouver, Washington State
Basket case Bethany Storro came to the public’s attention last week when she claimed to be the victim of a shocking assault. The 28-year old Vancouver, Wa. resident said that a mysterious assailant threw acid in her face.
Authorities initially believed Storro, since she did not claim her assailant was the “mysterious black man” of so many fake assaults. She threw a curveball to police when she suggested that her attacker was a mysterious black woman!
Despite Her Injuries, Storro Attempts To Lead A Normal Life.
Storro’s clever, race-baiting mendacity notwithstanding, the police eventually grew suspicious. After repeated questioning, the woman admitted that she had doused acid on her own face, necessitating surgery.
A police representative said that all things considered, Storro was actually very fortunate. “For Bethany to have survived for twenty-eight years now is really something special, especially given what a complete and utter moron she is. ”
Splashing Yourself In The Face With Acid As A Ploy For Attention May Seem Like A Good Idea, But In Many Instances It Is Not.
02 Monday Aug 2010
Posted in Cinema, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Music, National Events, People, Relationships, Television
Tags
Carmen Electra, cataclysmically-retarded, Dave Navarro, elderly people, Facebook, Facebook friends won't pick you up at the airport, has-been, human papillomavirus, HURRR!, intellectually disinclined, it means genital warts, Ms. Electra is probably a very nice young lady, Promethean Times, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, senior citizens, stupid people, stupidity, Twitter, untalented stars, you most likely have papilloma sorry to say
Much like human papillomavirus in America’s high schools, Promethean Times is pretty hard to avoid these days.
Thanks, Formerly Promising 90's Alternative Icon And Cataclysmically-Retarded, Silicone-Infused Temporary Wife! We're Excited Too!
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For our elderly or intellectually disinclined readers: Don’t get excited; the old address will still take you where you want to go.
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Now that Promethean Times tweets, Twitter is culturally relevant. Follow Promethean Times on Twitter.
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"GLEEBUL FUM! Promethean Times. HUURRR..."
13 Tuesday Jul 2010
Tags
Barack Obama, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Cheer Up Keanu, comical despots, crazy bastard, depression, despots, Johnny Mnemonic, Karl Childers, Keanu Reeves, Kim Jong-il, mental illness, My Own Private Idaho, Point Break, Sling Blade, stupidity, Thinksquad, untalented stars, Vladimir Putin, Whoa!
The crazy bastards at Thinksquad have always been ambitious–mercilessly antagonizing comical despot Kim Jong-il and mocking not-so-comical despot Vladimir Putin. They’ve even explored Barack Obama’s regrettable past as a rap-video extra. Now Thinksquad is taking on one man’s mental illness.
It just may be the most important person of our times–the world’s preeminent thespian, trenchant philosopher and bona fide American* treasure: Keanu Reeves. Apparently, the man who gave us such beloved characters as Theodore “Ted” Logan, Scott Favor and Johnnies Mnemonic and Utah has been in a blue funk lately, one which sources close to the megastar say could be life-threatening.
Karl Childers, Keanu's Spiritual Mentor, Shares Some Wisdom: "Ah Bet Some French Frahd 'Taters'd Cheer You Raht Up. NNNGHHH."
See how you can help by clicking here: Whoa!
02 Tuesday Mar 2010
Tags
Arkansas, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Blanche Lincoln, Clinton bump, Connecticut, Democratic Party, DNC, do-gooders, GOP, Jimmy Carter, John McCain, Joseph Lieberman, LBJ, limousine liberal, Ned Lamont, Republican Party, RINO, RNC, stupidity
Like Joe Lieberman’s successful reelection bid in 2006, extreme elements within the Democratic Party are promoting a primary challenger against incumbent Senator Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas. Lieberman was not sufficiently anti-war for the Moveon.org types, and so cable gazillionaire Ned Lamont received the party’s blessing to represent the Dems in November. Lamont, who announced a gubernatorial bid a few weeks ago, may have been lacking in a great many necessary qualities, but he was against the war, a quality which seemingly trumped all else. Lieberman ran as an independent and won. Despite the party’s disloyalty, the Democrats managed to save the seat in reality, because Lieberman continues to caucus with the party. In conservative Arkansas, dividing the party in this manner is not such a safe gamble.
In recent years, Republican RINOism (Republican In Name Only) has served to alienate a growing portion of moderates who might otherwise vote for the GOP. By continually forcing the Republican Party’s ideology to the right, the party’s appeal has therefore narrowed to the point where it is in danger of becoming what its critics have long claimed it to be: a club for old white guys. Even after shattering defeats in 2006 and 2008, it is not entirely clear that the Republicans have abandoned this unfortunate form of self-sabotage.
Yes, But He's Against The War
In contrast, the Democrats have become increasingly confident in recent years. With a cocktail of grass-roots fundamentalism, limousine liberal money and increasing party discipline, the Democrats were seemingly shedding their long-standing (and to no small degree deserved) reputation as the fraternity of do-gooding also-rans. Of Democratic presidents in the second half of the 20th Century, only the empathetic lip-biter, Bill Clinton served two terms (so hold your horses, LBJ apologists–while the legendarily endowed Texan did serve parts of two terms after Kennedy’s assassination in late 1963, he was only elected President once in 1964, stomping arch-conservative Barry Goldwater). Jimmy Carter, the Dem’s other surviving ex-president, is a symbol of the benign impotence of the Democratic Party for much of the second half of the 20th Century.
But with the Clinton Bump in the 90’s, the Democratic takeover of the legislature in 2006 and finally, Obama’s masterful victory over John McCain, it appeared that the Democratic Party had found itself at last after so long in the wilderness, consigning the GOP to bumble its way into obsolescence. The poisonous combination of arrogance and a leadership out of touch with contemporary America led the Republicans to what promised to be their Waterloo in 2008. There was an outpouring hand wringing and gnashing of teeth from GOP loyalists in the days following Obama’s victory, while the Democrats made no attempt to contain their glee. Both sides were heralding the same event: the ugly death of the Republican Party.
This may have been premature. That the Republican Party has not only survived, but is perhaps ascendant, is creditable less to the GOP than to the Democrats themselves. Failing to learn from the opposition’s mistakes, the Democratic Party has ceded authority to a fringe minority, one which shows every evidence of being as crass and autocratic as were the Republicans who preceded it. Despite the very clear will of the people, the Democrats persist in pushing through a big government agenda that Americans fear will fundamentally change the character and nature of the nation, and doom America to generations of economic serfdom.
Unless wiser heads within the party prevail–an outcome by no means certain, 2010 will be a very bad year for the Democrats.
