Tag Archives: Las Vegas

Suck It, Las Vegas!

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment, Music, True-Ass Tales

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By Tardsie

We Took A Road Trip To Las Vegas! Don’t Worry, My Wife Drove.

My wife and I recently got back from Las Vegas, where we saw the Killers in concert on Friday night. It was an awesome, once-in-a-lifetime performance by a band at the top of its game and comfortably on its home turf. Here’s a clip from that kick-ass show (the song stops at 1:37 because a fight breaks out, then starts up again):

So we had a great time, both in Vegas and on the trip there and back, in which I got to visit a new medical marijuana dispensary and my wife got to stop at produce stands. As usual, I employed my foolproof gambling system to break even (my system is that I don’t gamble). But I don’t want to talk about how much fun we had on the trip or all the great memories we made–I want to bitch about Las Vegas.

How We Love To Hate You. Don’t Ever Change.

Here goes:

This place calls itself ‘Sin City’ while managing to keep a straight face. Apparently, the whole of the ‘sin’ experience begins with blowing your kid’s birthday cash at the craps table and ends with walking down the boulevard with a beer in your hand. So while you can bounce your eyes in time with the silicate breasts of leathery showgirls, you can’t actually have sex with them. You can get liquored up enough to drunkenly piss away in a few hours what you’ve worked a lifetime to build, but you can’t legally smoke a joint.

I Managed, Fortunately. Thanks To Vegas’ Constant Reek, They Thought I Was Smoking Harmless Tobacco.

And talk about a genetic clusterfuck! I’ve been to places like Georgia, Poland and Omaha, Nebraska–so you know I’ve seen some ugly people in my time, but never so many collected in one neon-ringed exhibit. Whether you’re dodging blubbery slugs on mobility scooters or avoiding the gaze of the shaking hardcase with the the 8:00 AM bloody Mary, Las Vegas has the power to make you feel special for achieving nothing more than an associate’s degree and a set of at least thirty teeth.

We Go Where The Beautiful People Are.

People claim they go to Las Vegas to have fun. Have you ever watched people while they gamble? You’ll see more human expression from Keanu Reeves playing an Easter Island statue in a made-for-TV movie. The rows upon rows of people at slot machines look like junkies in a shooting gallery, continuing to fix long after any sensation is gone.

But At Least You Had Fun, Right?

And lastly, it was cold! It’s the fucking desert, why is it cold? The response I always hear is that it’s cold because it’s the high desert. Bullshit–I was high as a motherfucker, and I still froze my ass off!

We’re Only Kidding Ourselves. We Can’t Quit You.

Headlines: The Snake That Grows When You Stroke It

20 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 27 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Obama’s Regular Polling Of Swing-State Female Voters Indicates Their Growing Excitement About His Stimulus Measure.

In which our interests lie in the headlines, but not the stories themselves.

***

After 400 Pound Weight Loss, Man Gains the Weight Back ~ But you know what?–He’s a bigger man for it.

Rage Against the Machine Rages Against Paul Ryan ~ Understandable, as taking offense is the band’s Raison d’ être. Raging, man–IT’S JUST WHAT THEY GOTTA DO!!!

Persistence Is Key to Treating Sexual Pain ~ After she’s heard ‘Who’s ready to do the nasty?’ a couple thousand times, she’ll loosen up.

Woman who rescued animals killed by dog ~ Check your local TV listings for the Lifetime Network adaptation of this heartbreaking story, A Dog Called Irony.

Off-Duty Cop Crashes Motorcycle Into Little Girl Then Kills Her Enraged Dad ~ When Officer Onslaught’s actually ON the job, his body count must be through the fucking roof!

“Do You Think They Paint Crosswalks On The Street Just So You Can Cross Wherever You Fucking Feel Like?”

Attacks May Cost Great White Sharks Protected Status ~ If they’re so concerned about that, they might have paused for reflection before gobbling up all those Aussies.

Assange berates United States from Ecuador Embassy balcony ~ Also known as the ‘Pussy Perch.’

Preacher Says He Cures The Sick By Punching And Kicking Them ~ It could work, actually. That’s how Dad finally cured Smaktakula’s bed-wetting.

A Novel Asks Seattle to Laugh at Itself ~ That’s expecting a lot. You’d have better luck trying to convince Las Vegas to show some respect for itself.

Peter Jackson: ‘I’ve Never Actually Read A Comic In My Life’ ~ And lo, a million virginal voices cried out as one.

“From Hell’s Heart, I Stab At Thee!”

When My Crazy Father Actually Lost His Mind ~ That sounds like a tough one to really pin down.

A Guide to Russian Band Pussy Riot’s Oeuvre ~ If you’re unfamiliar with the word ‘oeuvre’, you might be thinking it’s dirty. Sadly, no.

US beats Mexico in Mexico for 1st time ~ It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. There just hasn’t been too much of a need for the US to go to Mexico, what with most of Mexico being here all the time.

An Ex-Wrestling Executive Wins a GOP Primary ~ Yeah, but you know that shit’s all fake, right?

Where Do Sentences Come From? ~ What the hell? Listen, we’re gonna have to insist that you shut that spastic yapper of yours. Yeah, you’re no longer allowed to ask questions.

15 of the Cutest & Shortest Celebrity Men ~ Or 15 celebrity men whose work we no longer take quite as seriously as we once did.

Aside From Portraying Elves At Christmastime, About The Only Use For The Short Is Making Normals Look Really Tall. And Handsome.

The ‘Penis Snake’ Looks Exactly As You’d Think ~ Quite a bit smaller than advertised.

Accused Child Foot Licker Blames President Obama ~ Obama surrogates were quick to counter that Obama had merely inherited the foot-licking situation from President Bush, and furthermore, that ‘foot-licking’ was coded racism.

Pig legs left at proposed mosque; federal probe sought ~ Yeah, somebody’s being a dick, but do we really have to make a federal case out of it? Oh, right–silly fucking us.

Can the WNBA Benefit from Olympic Gold? ~ Hey, anything’s possible, right? First, though–what’s a WNBA?

Quadruple amputee prepares to swim Bering Strait ~ Meanwhile,  his family stoically prepares for a burial at sea.

“Dave, It’s RIGHT THERE! Just Grab The Ring, Man! Dave! Dave!…Damn! Can He Not Hear Me Or Something?”

Comeback of photo booths exposes yearning for what’s real ~ Because nothing’s more real than a glossy, full-color facsimile.

A Complete Guide to ‘Hipster Racism’ ~ “Yeah, right now I like to hate on Andorrks. Andorra is a very small principality in Europe. You probably haven’t heard of it.”

Hassles of Air Travel Push Passengers to Amtrak ~ That Amtrak is pot-friendly doesn’t hurt, either.

Female governors and Rice speakers for GOP ~Aaargh! See? It’s THIS kind of thing that gets people so pissed at the Republicans.  Honestly, would it kill them to say “Female governors and Chinese-Americans?”

9 New No-Nos for Your Parts Down Below ~ Man…NEW ones? Organized religion, political correctness and the era of AIDS have pretty thoroughly circumscribed our options already.

Actually, This One Probably Should Remain A No-No.

Meet Tardsie!

30 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Tardsie Has Long Been An Advocate For The Less Fortunate.

Much of the hard work which makes Promethean Times such a magical family experience occurs behind the scenes.  Our small, tight-knit staff is more like a family than a collection of colleagues, with the exception of our copy editor, Arturo, although we are quite fond of him.

If You See Something Fishy In This Picture, You're Right! The Backpack Posing With Mike Meyers Is Actually A Tardsie Impersonator.

At the center of it all is our venerable Editor-In-Chief, Tardsie the Backpack.  Although Tardsie was not the first to helm Promethean Times, it is his vision which guides us today.  When Rodrigo O’Bannon was fired after Promethean Times’ shaky first few months, Tardsie came out of a well-deserved retirement to right the ship.  The impact of his calm leadership on our inexperienced young staff cannot be overstated, and that Promethean Times not only exists but flourishes today is a testament to his influence.

Most People Aren't Aware That Tardsie Was The Stunt-Double For The Runaway Baby Stroller In "The Untouchables."

Tardsie the Backpack spent the majority of his career before coming to Promethean Times as a travel reporter, publishing several travel narratives.  The most famous among these, Travels With Tardsie, catapulted the young backpack to stardom and made him an overnight literary darling.  His out-of-print novel, So Beats The Nylon Heart, met with a warm response, although sales were disappointing.  He worked briefly as an investigative reporter, achieving some success, before being blacklisted for what he calls “political reasons.”

In Dublin With His Pal James Joyce, Of Whom Tardsie Once Said, "He's The Only Irishman I'd Allow In My Home."

Today Tardsie only slightly resembles the brash young backpack who courageously went undercover to expose point-shaving in Special Olympics basketball and who partied with celebrities.  At nine years old, Tardsie has grown contemplative.  Two of this three zippers are long gone, “And the other one’s busted!” he jokes.  “They made me with cheap nylon,” he says, indicating the rupturing seams along his sides.

Tardsie Always Stops At The Memorial When He's In DC. In '67, His Uncle Frederick, A Foot Locker, Was Misplaced In A Saigon Whorehouse, Never To Be Found.

“I don’t regret anything,” Tardsie says.  “Something my dad used to say still resonates with me.  He said ‘Life experiences are like quarters.  You lose both by sitting on the couch.’  I’ve tried to live my life by that.”

Although that advice actually comes from the side of a Jamba Juice cup, we’re sure that the elder Tardsie was indeed a wise bag.

Tardsie Reports On The Italian Elections. He Was Arrested And Briefly Detained For Defacing Berlusconi Campaign Posters.

Tardsie Goes Undercover To Investigate Allegations That Coors Is Made From Horse Piss. It Turns Out It's Supposed To Taste That Way.

Tardsie Successfully Lobbies Pope Benedict XVI To Permit Condom Use Among Rent Boys.

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas. But The Stains Are Permanent.

OJ’s Appeal Denied

27 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture

≈ 2 Comments

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By Smaktakula

The Juice Prepares For A Career After Prison.

Orenthal James Simpson, the unpunished murder-turned-sports memorabilia patsy, recently received some unwelcome news.  The Nevada Supreme Court refused to overturn his recent conviction for successfully beating an ironclad double-homicide rap 1995 as well as for a minor incident in Las Vegas.   It seems the Juice won’t be loosed any time soon.

Understandably, Fred Goldman Has Mixed Feelings About Seeing The Murderer Of His Son Locked Behind Bars And Thus No Longer Able To Provide Him With An Income.

"Jes' Don' Make The Cops Look Stupid, An' You'll Be Awright."

This is it, folks–OJ’s making his break!  He’s on the 10! . . .the 5! . . .the 405!

Paris Hilton Ja-Banned

23 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Japan can now include itself among the growing list of nations officially discriminating against skanks.  The Land of the Rising Sun has gone dark for strumpets: Paris Hilton is persona non grata in Japan.

In Much The Same Way As It Did Throughout Asia 75 Years Ago, This Symbol Strikes Fear In The Hearts Of Skanks Across The Globe.

Representatives of Japan’s immigration service claim that Hilton’s ban is a result of her recent guilty plea to cocaine possession in Las Vegas.  These officials are quick to point out that their decision to impose a Ja-Ban on Hilton was not only appropriate, but required by Japanese law.

However, pro-skank activists (skanktivists) contend that the law is a smokescreen which allows Japan legal sanction to carry out its anti-skank agenda.

“We’re trying to tell the world what’s going on in Japan,” says ‘Cody,’ a skonk who declined to give his real name, “The amount of ignorance on the part of the public is really disturbing.  We’re educating people, but at the same time putting pressure on Japan to not only turn away from its growing culture of skankism, but also calling on the Japanese Government to free Tibet.”

Paris, What The Hell Are You Doing? Oh. Ha Ha, No. When We Said 'Blow' We Meant Cocaine. Heh. But Thanks. No, Really--We're Good.

An immigration official was asked in light of Hilton’s Ja-Ban, whether her family’s hotel chain would also be forced out of the country.  The official replied:

“A question both so ridiculous and inane shames not only the speaker, but also those unfortunate enough to hear it.  Having said that, the Hilton Chain is a small, but important part of the Japanese economy–over three million people spend the night in Hilton Hotels every year.  Even in a good year Ms. Hilton might service only half that many.”

Paris, an innocent pawn in a game much bigger than herself, was typically upbeat when informed that she would not be allowed into Japan: “I’m going back home, and I look forward to coming back to Japan in the future,” she said.

Like Fuck You Will, Gaijin Skank!

Diddy-Spawn Rocks Vegas Like A Tween Pop Idol

05 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by in Music, People, Relationships, Satire

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To celebrate his son’s birthday, rapper/mogul/fashionista Sean “The Artist Formerly Known As Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy and Not-Yet Formerly Known As Diddy” Combs threw a three-day Vegas bash for the Diddlet and his entourage of overindulged brats.             

Despite the many exciting activities for the pre-teen set in Sin City, doubtless the highlight of the evening for the birthday boy was the rare chance to see his father, who breezed in for a photo-op.  According to sources it was the youngster’s ” Best birthday present ever!”    

The younger Diddy is said to have asked for the same gift next year.           

To which the boy’s father indulgently replied, “We’ll see.”         

Hard To Top Last Year's Present: Three Hours With Dad

The Gilded Life Of A Diddlet: Birthday Bling: Diddy’s Son Celebrates 12th With Vegas Bash.             

Smaktakula

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