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Tag Archives: SNL

Sweaty Balls Bunch Panties

23 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Stupidity

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Tags

Ben & Jerry, childish sexual innuendo, Church Lady, Colon Blow, Hans & Franz, hypocrisy, ice cream, obscenity, overreaction, protests, Saturday Night Live, Schweddy Balls, self-righteousness, SNL, sweaty balls, Vermont

By Smaktakula

It's Said That Once You Try The Chocolate Salty Balls, No Other Salty Ball Will Ever Completely Satisfy.

Counterculture ice cream pushers Ben & Jerry have gone too far this time. Heretofore, no one cared that they were eccentric–the public generously tolerated their confectionary love of dirty jam bands, which takes form in such bad trip flavors as Phish Food, Cherry Garcia and Bon-Bon Jovi.

Dippy-trippy fun is one thing, but outright filth is something altogether beyond the pale.  The Vermont ice-cream commissars have thrown good taste to the wind, naming their latest abomination Sweaty Balls.  In most cases we regard as silly those protests levied for moralistic reasons, and encourage potential protesters to un-bitch themselves and simply not purchase the offending product. However, there comes a time when the conscience can no longer countenance obscenity and rebels against the undermining of our most cherished values.   When such potty-mouthery is used to smear a wholesome, all-American treat like ice cream, Promethean Times must take its place among the righteously indignant and tell Ben & Jerry: NO MORE!

We're Just Saying They Could Have Based Their Product On A Wholesome SNL Sketch, Like 'Hans & Franz,' 'Church Lady,' Or 'Colon Blow.'

Update:  As it turns out, the product in question isn’t called “Sweaty Balls” at all, but rather, “Schweddy Balls,” based on the popular Saturday Night Live sketch of the same name.

In light of this, it is possible to view our earlier statements as something of an overreaction.  In retrospect, we feel like complete assholes.  We can only assume that other critics of Schweddy Balls made the same mistake we did, and that once they are apprised of their error, they will also have the decency to feel like complete assholes.

Seriously, Though--'Sweaty Balls' Could Put You Off Ice Cream Forever.

Your Write-In Campaign For Loser Star Unnecessary

07 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

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Tags

America has ceded her humor advantage to the Canadians, Betty White, Buddy the Elf, Canada, Canada is world's funniest country, cocaine, coke, Cokie Monster, Cookie Monster, drugs, fellatrix, Golden Girls, has-been, kitsch, Larry the Cable Guy, last surviving Golden Girl, loser, Mike Meyers, Mr. T, New Coke, North Korea is the world's unfunniest country, Party On!, pop culture, repetition ad nauseum, Ron Burgundy, Saturday Night Live, SNL, SNL alumnus, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, the laughs race, the unfunnying of America, United States of America, untalented stars, Wayne's World, Will Ferrell, World War II, write-in campaign, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

One of the great surprises in television this year was the write-in campaign for Betty White to host Saturday Night Live.  As the last surviving Golden Girl, the honor was certainly due her, and although we didn’t see the episode, we understand it was a big hit.

Before SNL Existed To Tell Us What Was Cool, We Had To Make Those Judgments Based Solely On Merit.

As in any instance when an unexpected event proves a resounding hit with the fans, SNL’s producers will be tempted to continue with the formula.  Fortunately, SNL has always kept itself away from the practice of abusing an amusing premise by wringing from it every last drop of funny and then casting it aside upon the dust heap of pop culture.

Party On, Wayne! And On.

But of course people will try.  Typing “Dear SNL Please Let Host,” reveals two names most prominently–Ron Burgundy and Buddy the Elf–both characters made somewhat famous by turn-of-the-century funnyman Will Ferrell, himself an SNL alumnus.  A cadre of jaded do-nothings is mounting a serious attempt to return Ferrell to television.

Fact: Paunchy Blond Guys Well-Over Six Feet Tall Are Not Funny. Don't Believe Us? Name One.

This is both dangerous and irresponsible.  Whether motivated by pity or a sense of kitsch, keeping Ferrell’s career alive is a benefit to no one, least of all the former celebrity.  Repeated studies have demonstrated that exposure to comedians like Ferrell or Larry the Cable Guy is arguably the greatest single factor in the unfunnying of America.  Once the funniest country in the world, America ceded first place to Canada sometime in the mid-1980s.  For posterity’s sake, and for Ferrell’s as well, let the man’s career die with a modicum of dignity.

Betty Has Never Gone Back.

Even fictional–although arguably more talented–characters are trying to launch their own write-in campaigns to appear on the comedy program.  Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster has an SNL audition tape, and is reportedly very serious about seeking a hosting gig.  Privately, industry insiders say that the monster has very little chance of success; a reputation for no-shows and erratic behavior have earned him the nickname “Cokie” Monster.

"thenmesaidMEWANTCOOKIEbuttheycouldn'thandle *HNFFF!* couldn'thandlemebeingrealy'knowMEWANTCOOKIEWHATTHEFUCKME *HNFFF!* MEHAVETODOTOGETFUCKINGCOOKIE! goddamncookiemonsterfeelinallright!"

The great Betty White write-in campaign of 2010 brought a brief spontaneity to television, a medium noted for being anything but.  But if we’ve learned anything from such travesties as the New Coke, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace and World War II, it’s sometimes best just to leave the original as it is.

Don't Be Naive. You Really Think Betty Got The Job Through A Write-In Campaign?

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