ADHD, Angelina Jolie, cat ladies, childish sexual innuendo, Chopin, Cynthia Cooper-Dyke, Damascus, fashion police, grass, Harry Styles, hemp, Iraq, Jennifer Aniston, marijuana, pot, reefer, Seattle, sweet sweet cheeba, the Exodus, Tony Award, Vermont, weed, women in combat
In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the articles.
Iraq religious leaders send out the ‘fashion police’ to stop people … ~ So they really have those? We thought that was just something that people said.
In Vt., long-dead mental patients inspire crusade ~ A crusade to put those undead abominations back in their graves where they belong.
The road ahead for amputees ~ Needs to be very level. Seriously–more ramps, fewer steps.
Powerball at $500 million: What to do if you win ~ Don’t tell your loser relatives, that’s for damn sure.
Cynthia Cooper-Dyke expects big things for USC women’s basketball ~ Hey! Just because she’s a female head basketball coach doesn’t mean we should rush to judgement. Until we know more, let’s give Cynthia Cooper the benefit of the doubt.
10 purr-fect vacations for cat lovers ~ So you’ll be travelling alone then?
Harry Styles Shows Off Bonus Nipples ~ His mother was a Shi Tzu.
Man with bionic leg to climb Chicago skyscraper ~ He should just leap over it. Get it? ‘Cause he has a bionic leg! Okay, we probably should have saved that one for ‘the duds.’
Hitchhiker saves the day with hatchet ~ Which is why we make it a point ONLY to pick up hitchhikers who openly display their hatchets.
10 Surprising Ways to Avoid Nursing Home Care ~ Number one is to croak in a timely fashion.
An All-Asian Version of ‘Hello, Dolly!’ ~ Oh come on! You pick a play whose title JUST HAPPENS TO BE the two English words which sound funniest when spoken with an Asian accent, and you expect us to believe that’s just a coincidence?
Dear Melissa King, I wish you the best ~ Have you noticed that when people say that they almost never seem to mean it?
Who Actually Earns $400,000 Per Year? ~ Obviously not you, loser.
Muslim Man In France Seeks To Open Mosque For Gays ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!
Eight Bad Brushing Habits That Harm Your Teeth ~ #4 All brushes are not the same. Please put that back in the caddy next to the crapper.
5 Little-Talked-About Risks of One-Night Stands ~ Marriage. You can’t forget marriage.
The Chosen Few: A New Explanation of Jewish Success ~ The Almighty plays favorites. What are you gonna do?
FBI shares last thoughts of a murder addict ~ KILL! KILL! KILL FOR THE LOVE OF KILLING!
10 Tips for Keeping a House Clean Despite ADHD ~ You mean keeping MOM’s house clean. You don’t own your own home, spazwit.
4 female war veterans sue US military over policy against women in combat~ “We long for a day in which perhaps not all of us would be alive to sue you.”
Wussification of our young men is finally complete ~ That you were afraid to write ‘pussification’ validates your thesis.
16 Songs Everyone Over 50 Must Own ~ Chopin’s Funeral March is an obvious choice.
Pope tweets about his favorite Christmas tradition ~ Snorting big rails of coke off a hooker’s ass.
Damascus shelled hours before scheduled truce ~ Yeah, surprisingly, experts contend that most of the bloodshed during a war occurs BEFORE a truce. It often drops off precipitously afterward.
Children in sect had never seen sunlight ~ ‘Sect’ is a Seattle neighborhood.
Novartis loses Indian patent fight ~ Will try to patent Pakistanis instead.
Tony Award goes to ‘Clybourne Park’ ~ What’s a ‘Tony?’ Never mind–we don’t care.
UN report proposes moratorium on killer robots ~ Well, that’s what we’ve come to expect from the United Nations. Decisive actions on the issues that matter.
Youth smoking ants to get high ~ Oh, for God’s sake–will you just legalize weed already?