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Tag Archives: Vermont

Headlines: Why Not Miss Saigon?

07 Tuesday May 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

ADHD, Angelina Jolie, cat ladies, childish sexual innuendo, Chopin, Cynthia Cooper-Dyke, Damascus, fashion police, grass, Harry Styles, hemp, Iraq, Jennifer Aniston, marijuana, pot, reefer, Seattle, sweet sweet cheeba, the Exodus, Tony Award, Vermont, weed, women in combat

By Smaktakula
Words to Live By

Much Like A Tramp-Stamp Which Reads “WHORE,” This Is A Great Example Of Truth In Advertising.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Iraq religious leaders send out the ‘fashion police’ to stop people … ~ So they really have those? We thought that was just something that people said.

In Vt., long-dead mental patients inspire crusade ~ A crusade to put those undead abominations back in their graves where they belong.

The road ahead for amputees ~ Needs to be very level. Seriously–more ramps, fewer steps.

Powerball at $500 million: What to do if you win ~ Don’t tell your loser relatives, that’s for damn sure.

Cynthia Cooper-Dyke expects big things for USC women’s basketball ~ Hey! Just because she’s a female head basketball coach doesn’t mean we should rush to judgement. Until we know more, let’s give Cynthia Cooper the benefit of the doubt.

10 purr-fect vacations for cat lovers ~ So you’ll be travelling alone then?

All That Pussy And No One To Share It With.

Angelina Jolie Ruins Jennifer Aniston’s Happiness. Once Again ~ Awesome!

Harry Styles Shows Off Bonus Nipples ~ His mother was a Shi Tzu.

Man with bionic leg to climb Chicago skyscraper ~ He should just leap over it. Get it? ‘Cause he has a bionic leg! Okay, we probably should have saved that one for ‘the duds.’

Hitchhiker saves the day with hatchet ~ Which is why we make it a point ONLY to pick up hitchhikers who openly display their hatchets.

10 Surprising Ways to Avoid Nursing Home Care ~ Number one is to croak in a timely fashion.

An All-Asian Version of ‘Hello, Dolly!’ ~ Oh come on! You pick a play whose title JUST HAPPENS TO BE the two English words which sound funniest when spoken with an Asian accent, and you expect us to believe that’s just a coincidence?

“HERRO DORRY!”

Dear Melissa King, I wish you the best ~ Have you noticed that when people say that they almost never seem to mean it?

Who Actually Earns $400,000 Per Year? ~ Obviously not you, loser.

Muslim Man In France Seeks To Open Mosque For Gays ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!

Eight Bad Brushing Habits That Harm Your Teeth ~ #4 All brushes are not the same. Please put that back in the caddy next to the crapper.

5 Little-Talked-About Risks of One-Night Stands ~ Marriage. You can’t forget marriage.

The Chosen Few: A New Explanation of Jewish Success ~ The Almighty plays favorites. What are you gonna do?

It’s Been An Open Secret For Years.

FBI shares last thoughts of a murder addict ~ KILL! KILL! KILL FOR THE LOVE OF KILLING!

10 Tips for Keeping a House Clean Despite ADHD ~ You mean keeping MOM’s house clean. You don’t own your own home, spazwit.

4 female war veterans sue US military over policy against women in combat~ “We long for a day in which perhaps not all of us would be alive to sue you.”

Wussification of our young men is finally complete ~ That you were afraid to write ‘pussification’ validates your thesis.

16 Songs Everyone Over 50 Must Own ~ Chopin’s Funeral March is an obvious choice.

Pope tweets about his favorite Christmas tradition ~ Snorting big rails of coke off a hooker’s ass.

SEE? Only MOST Of What We Have To Say Is Pure Bullshit.

Damascus shelled hours before scheduled truce ~ Yeah, surprisingly, experts contend that most of the bloodshed during a war occurs BEFORE a truce. It often drops off precipitously afterward.

Children in sect had never seen sunlight ~ ‘Sect’ is a Seattle neighborhood.

Novartis loses Indian patent fight ~ Will try to patent Pakistanis instead.

Tony Award goes to ‘Clybourne Park’ ~ What’s a ‘Tony?’ Never mind–we don’t care.

UN report proposes moratorium on killer robots ~ Well, that’s what we’ve come to expect from the United Nations. Decisive actions on the issues that matter.

Youth smoking ants to get high ~ Oh, for God’s sake–will you just legalize weed already?

But If You Must Smoke ‘Em, It’s Healthiest To Use A Vaporizer.

Headlines 10.07.11

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, African famine, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Budweiser, butterface, death by drowning, debt crisis, Democrats, Europe, great white shark, headlines, hos, Indiana, living in a van down by the river, Matt Foley, Mississippi, online dating, perverts, pizza, Poltergeist, prostitution, Republicans, reset button, skunky beer, Somalia, South Korea, Tanzania, tapeworms, TV for idiots, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, vegans, Vermont, White House, you're welcome

By Smaktakula

Well, Bless Their Hearts.

In which we opine on the latest headlines, without bothering to first read the stories.

***

Seoul to Introduce Female-Only Subway Cars 

  • Korean perverts to introduce hidden cameras to female-only subway cars.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression

  • It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Suspect arrested while trying to bail out ally 

  • There is honor among thieves, just no common sense.

Bill Clinton, on his 65th birthday, has gone vegan

  •  That’s a misprint.  Rather than ‘gone vegan’ it should read ‘done Meagan.’

Like You’d Do Any Differently In His Position.

Exposed coffins, destroyed homes in Vt. town

  • Sweet!  A Poltergeist remake.

Deportation policy angers bloggers

  • Yeah, but when you have no real friends and a surfeit of free time, you tend to get irritated pretty easily.

Tradition forces girls into prostitution 

  • “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza? 

  • The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

Beachgoers in Venice Rescue Stranded Great White Shark 

  • The freed predator wasted no time before devouring a surfer.

Europe’s debt could sink US

  •  This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US was obliged to pay.

Avez-Vous Des Remerciements? Non? Ah, C’est La Vie.

Indiana State Fair stage collapse claims sixth victim 

  • Is that thing still on the loose?

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims 

  • If it bothers you so much, eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Online dating? Why no one wants you 

  • Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors.  Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

It’s Like Putting Fancy Rims On A ’78 Pacer.

President Obama goes for a reset on jobs 

  • Because neither ‘Do Over’ nor ‘We Take It Back‘ sounded quite right.

Ashton Kutcher’s second ‘Two and a Half Men’ episode: Do we still care?

  • That you ever did says a lot about you.

White House Future Is Now, Many Republicans Conclude

  •  No, by definition, now is the present and the future is yet to come.  And they say the Democrats can’t get their shit together.

Funk Legend Living In A Van 

  • The van’s funk is said to be legendary.

The Most Highly-Prized Locale For The Van-Dweller Is, Of Course, Down By The River.

Tanzania: Horror As 180 People Perish in Ferry Accident 

  • Dear God!  At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON!  Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!

Why I Don’t Drink Budweiser…and Why I’m Not Alone

  • Because fermented goat semen just doesn’t taste that hot.

How Did the Robot End Up With My Job? 

  • For starters, the LaborTron3K doesn’t come to work hung over, steal paperclips or grope the copy boy.  Plus, you’re ugly.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny.

  • The secret is tapeworms.

Proper Sanitation And Hygiene Save Lives.

See Also:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII

Sweaty Balls Bunch Panties

23 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Ben & Jerry, childish sexual innuendo, Church Lady, Colon Blow, Hans & Franz, hypocrisy, ice cream, obscenity, overreaction, protests, Saturday Night Live, Schweddy Balls, self-righteousness, SNL, sweaty balls, Vermont

By Smaktakula

It's Said That Once You Try The Chocolate Salty Balls, No Other Salty Ball Will Ever Completely Satisfy.

Counterculture ice cream pushers Ben & Jerry have gone too far this time. Heretofore, no one cared that they were eccentric–the public generously tolerated their confectionary love of dirty jam bands, which takes form in such bad trip flavors as Phish Food, Cherry Garcia and Bon-Bon Jovi.

Dippy-trippy fun is one thing, but outright filth is something altogether beyond the pale.  The Vermont ice-cream commissars have thrown good taste to the wind, naming their latest abomination Sweaty Balls.  In most cases we regard as silly those protests levied for moralistic reasons, and encourage potential protesters to un-bitch themselves and simply not purchase the offending product. However, there comes a time when the conscience can no longer countenance obscenity and rebels against the undermining of our most cherished values.   When such potty-mouthery is used to smear a wholesome, all-American treat like ice cream, Promethean Times must take its place among the righteously indignant and tell Ben & Jerry: NO MORE!

We're Just Saying They Could Have Based Their Product On A Wholesome SNL Sketch, Like 'Hans & Franz,' 'Church Lady,' Or 'Colon Blow.'

Update:  As it turns out, the product in question isn’t called “Sweaty Balls” at all, but rather, “Schweddy Balls,” based on the popular Saturday Night Live sketch of the same name.

In light of this, it is possible to view our earlier statements as something of an overreaction.  In retrospect, we feel like complete assholes.  We can only assume that other critics of Schweddy Balls made the same mistake we did, and that once they are apprised of their error, they will also have the decency to feel like complete assholes.

Seriously, Though--'Sweaty Balls' Could Put You Off Ice Cream Forever.

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