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Cunning Runt Realizes Babysitter Fantasy

02 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

adult diapers, arson, astronauts, autism, babysitting, botched similes, copping a feel, Craigslist, cunning runt, diapers, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, hobbits, homunculus, Icarus, loser, Marcus Antonius, Mark Anthony Richardson Jr., Mark Antony, million dollar secret, molested, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City, one's a cunning runt, pathetic, perfect scheme, pervert, pervertry, ribaldry, Rome, short people, short people are plain evil!, shrimpy weirdo, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stupid people, that trick never works, What's the difference between herpes and a midget con-man?, wretched

By Smaktakula

This Crafty Homunculus Devised A Way To Ensure He Was Molested By The Babysitter Every Time.

People said Mark Anthony Richardson, Jr. was stupid.  A loser.  A Do-nothing.  The authorities called him a firebug, and no less than his own mother claimed that her 21-year-old son “lives in a fantasy.”  And yet somehow, this much-maligned misanthrope managed to pull off –literally–one of the cleverest acts of pervertry heretofore seen in America.  But like the similarly-named Roman general of historical renown, Mark Anthony flew too far too fast, and came plunging to earth.* The Oklahoma City man now faces one count of sexual battery and seven counts of outraging public decency.

The plan seemed foolproof.  Mark Anthony responded to Craigslist babysitter postings by posing as a man named David who needed care for his severely autistic adult son, Alex.  Alex still wore diapers, David explained, and would need someone to change him.  Mark Anthony, who stands a Hobbit-like 4’9″, would also play the feeble-minded “Alex.”

The Tiresome Singer Is Culpable For Myriad Crimes, But Babysitter Groping Isn't Among Them.

The unsuspecting babysitters, believing him severely disabled, were happy to oblige the pint-sized pervert, even when he showed up in a taxi at 2:00 AM, naked but for a soiled diaper.  Mark Anthony was nothing, if not committed.

The midget’s ingenious ruse lasted for some time, during which babysitters changed his diapers no fewer than seven times.  Once, on an overnight stay, Mark Anthony was able to cop a feel from his babysitter’s eighteen-year-old daughter.  When the daughter awoke and complained to her mother, she was told that the diminutive groper couldn’t help himself, and to just go back to sleep.  It seemed that Mark Anthony had found the million-dollar secret.

That Mullet Could Not Have Given A Clearer Indication Of What Was To Come.

But beauty is ephemeral, and so too are beautiful things.  Gradually, the babysitters became concerned when Mark Anthony would repeatedly became sexually aroused during the changing, and would sometimes run away, forcing his victims to tackle him.  It was not long before the authorities entered the picture.

The tiny freak’s mother, who spoke to the press on the condition that her name not be used, acknowledged that Mark Anthony–on probation for a 2008 arson conviction–has “some mental disabilities,” and that her son needs to be institutionalized.  She also indicated that she hoped no one would ask how so handicapped an individual, and presumably in her care, could be out at night committing crimes without her being aware.

"Houston, I'm Doin' #1 Right Now!" Astronauts Also Wear Diapers, But For A Different Reason.

The party’s over for Mark Anthony Richardson.  If he is convicted–and given the evidence against him, acquittal is unlikely–the puny creep will be forced to register as a sex offender, and so will end any chance he might have had of repeating his clever acts of ribaldry.  But others, with records as-yet unblemished by sex crimes, may still assume the mantle which has been so rudely torn from Richardson.  In this way, the shrimpy weirdo’s filthy burst of ingenuity should not be viewed in terms of his sad fate, as it is the fate of only one man.  Rather, see his Christ-like sacrifice as necessary to promulgate the Good News of his message.  Dirty little Mark Anthony has struck a victory for us all.

Laugh All You Want. Dressing Like This Makes Smaktakula More Comfortable.

*Icarus.  You’re thinking of Icarus. ∞T.

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim: The Least Of Three Evils

16 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, comical despots, comically despotic dynasties, Eric Clapton, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-chol, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jong-un, Kimkinder, Korean Succession Crisis, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, loser, Macau, North Korea, Numba One Son, Numba Two Son, Pyongyang, the dude who owns the liquor store a block away from where you work, United States of America, video games, WikiLeaks, Wishnik Troll, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you, Young General

By Smaktakula

Ever Mischievous, Kim Jong-il Told This Soldier That The Cookie Jar Shaped Like The U.S. Capitol Was Filled With Nourishing Rice.

In the weeks following the announcement in Pyongyang regarding the planned succession of Kim Jong-un, the corpulent youngest son of decaying comical despot Kim Jong-il.  Kim Jong-un, known popularly as “The Brilliant Comrade” or according to some sources, “The Young General,” was initially considered a longshot for the succession due to his youth, backwardness and lack of a girlfriend despite being in his late twenties.

A Promotional Still From Kim's Short-Lived Reality Show, "Who Wants To Be A Third-World Despot?"

The Brilliant Comrade’s elevation caught most observers by surprise.  It was thought that the dying dictator might not name a successor at all, instead leaving the impoverished third-world hellhole in the capable hands of its generals.  However, revelations from documents released recently by WikiLeaks help to shed light on the succession mystery.

Kim Jong-chol: "Rook Out, Radies! Hot Stuff, Comin' Through!"

One source says of Kim Jong-un, “‘Lil ‘Lil Kim is a historical accident,” adding, “If either of his older brothers was worth a damn, the Brilliant Comrade could return to his first love: building intricately designed cuckoo clocks for his vast collection of doll houses.”  But for the tongue-tied tyrant such carefree days are behind him; although he never asked for the responsibility, it is incumbent upon Kim Jong-un to perpetuate the ruination of their homeland begun by his grandfather, Kim Il-sung and then continued by his father, Kim Jong-il.

When Asked The Reason For His Love Of Doll Houses, Kim Jong-un Replied, "Dorries Never Starve To D-D-Death."

For years it was assumed that Kim Jong-nam, eldest of the Kimkinder, would succeed his father upon the elder Kim’s much-rejoiced eventual death.  However, the demented Wishnik Troll is said to have soured on his playboy son after the younger Kim was caught trying to sneak into Japan for the admitted purpose of visiting Tokyo Disney.  Currently living an exile’s life in Macau, Kim Jong-nam has criticized his father’s choice of successor.  Sources close to Kim Jong-nam say that he is hoping to take power in Pyongyang when his younger brother fails.  This, of course, remains contingent on his surviving the inevitable assassination attempt resulting from his poorly chosen words.

Eldest Son Kim Jong-nam Looks Amazingly Like The Dude Who Owns The Liquor Store A Block Away From Where You Work.

The next son, Kim Jong-chol is no better.  A fan of Western music, Numba Two Son is said to have lost favor with his father after being spotted at an Eric Clapton concert in Germany.  Adding to Kim Jong-chol’s troubles is the perception that he lacks the requisite masculinity for North Korea’s premier job.  Most damning, however, are the revelations that the second son has moved into the dungeon below Kim’s palace, where he devotes all his time to video games.

The Video Games Were One Thing, But When Kim Jong-chol Began Showing Up To Strategy Meetings In Costume, His Father Could Take No More.

The anointing of ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim begins to seem less strange when weighed against his cretinous siblings.  True, the tubby tyrant is an awkward, maladjusted, friendless toad–but he may just be North Korea’s last, best hope.

Ever The Pragmatist, Kim's Philosophy Is "If You Can't Be With The One You Ruv, Baby, Better Ruv The One You're With."

Your Write-In Campaign For Loser Star Unnecessary

07 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

America has ceded her humor advantage to the Canadians, Betty White, Buddy the Elf, Canada, Canada is world's funniest country, cocaine, coke, Cokie Monster, Cookie Monster, drugs, fellatrix, Golden Girls, has-been, kitsch, Larry the Cable Guy, last surviving Golden Girl, loser, Mike Meyers, Mr. T, New Coke, North Korea is the world's unfunniest country, Party On!, pop culture, repetition ad nauseum, Ron Burgundy, Saturday Night Live, SNL, SNL alumnus, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, the laughs race, the unfunnying of America, United States of America, untalented stars, Wayne's World, Will Ferrell, World War II, write-in campaign, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

One of the great surprises in television this year was the write-in campaign for Betty White to host Saturday Night Live.  As the last surviving Golden Girl, the honor was certainly due her, and although we didn’t see the episode, we understand it was a big hit.

Before SNL Existed To Tell Us What Was Cool, We Had To Make Those Judgments Based Solely On Merit.

As in any instance when an unexpected event proves a resounding hit with the fans, SNL’s producers will be tempted to continue with the formula.  Fortunately, SNL has always kept itself away from the practice of abusing an amusing premise by wringing from it every last drop of funny and then casting it aside upon the dust heap of pop culture.

Party On, Wayne! And On.

But of course people will try.  Typing “Dear SNL Please Let Host,” reveals two names most prominently–Ron Burgundy and Buddy the Elf–both characters made somewhat famous by turn-of-the-century funnyman Will Ferrell, himself an SNL alumnus.  A cadre of jaded do-nothings is mounting a serious attempt to return Ferrell to television.

Fact: Paunchy Blond Guys Well-Over Six Feet Tall Are Not Funny. Don't Believe Us? Name One.

This is both dangerous and irresponsible.  Whether motivated by pity or a sense of kitsch, keeping Ferrell’s career alive is a benefit to no one, least of all the former celebrity.  Repeated studies have demonstrated that exposure to comedians like Ferrell or Larry the Cable Guy is arguably the greatest single factor in the unfunnying of America.  Once the funniest country in the world, America ceded first place to Canada sometime in the mid-1980s.  For posterity’s sake, and for Ferrell’s as well, let the man’s career die with a modicum of dignity.

Betty Has Never Gone Back.

Even fictional–although arguably more talented–characters are trying to launch their own write-in campaigns to appear on the comedy program.  Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster has an SNL audition tape, and is reportedly very serious about seeking a hosting gig.  Privately, industry insiders say that the monster has very little chance of success; a reputation for no-shows and erratic behavior have earned him the nickname “Cokie” Monster.

"thenmesaidMEWANTCOOKIEbuttheycouldn'thandle *HNFFF!* couldn'thandlemebeingrealy'knowMEWANTCOOKIEWHATTHEFUCKME *HNFFF!* MEHAVETODOTOGETFUCKINGCOOKIE! goddamncookiemonsterfeelinallright!"

The great Betty White write-in campaign of 2010 brought a brief spontaneity to television, a medium noted for being anything but.  But if we’ve learned anything from such travesties as the New Coke, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace and World War II, it’s sometimes best just to leave the original as it is.

Don't Be Naive. You Really Think Betty Got The Job Through A Write-In Campaign?

Could You Be An Asshole? Truckbawlz

20 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

big trucks, Cashew Dick, childish sexual innuendo, Could you be an asshole?, deez nuts, douchebaggery, hitch nuts, jackassery, little man's syndrome, loser, machismo, macho bullshit, object of ridicule, pitiable braggadocio, so sad, testicle tow hitch, testicles, tiny penis, white trash

By Smaktakula

If you’ve got a swingin’ pair of nuts hanging pendulously from your trailer hitch, then you most definitely are.

Perhaps We Can Help: You Know, The Only Thing That Advertises Your Tiny Penis More Stridently Than A Big 4x4, Is A Big 4x4 With Fake Testicles.

George Sherrill Is A Douche

24 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Crime, Games, General Foolishness, People, Sports

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

assclown, Baseball, douchebaggery, George Sherrill, liability, Los Angeles Dodgers, loser, relief pitcher, that shitty beard too!, The Brim Reaper

You might not know who this guy is . . .

And The Fact That You Have Two First Names--One Of 'Em Girly--Has Not Escaped Our Notice.

. . . but you’re gonna have to trust us.  This guy sweats douchebaggery from his pores.

Wretched ‘Bachelorette’ Contestant Wishes He Had Just Said “I’m Prompt”

26 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Humor, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Social Networking, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Cashew Dick, diarrhea of the mouth, early arrival, early finisher, humiliation on national TV, jackassery, laughingstock, loser, pathetic, premature ejaculation, Rolando Negrin, Shooter, Shooter McGavin, shut up you fool!, so sad, stop while you're ahead, The Bachelorette, TMI, wretched, your mother must be very proud

In a dark and slightly moist basement somewhere, Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin is jumping for joy.    The TSA worker and his stunted penis have done their time in the barrel, and are now free to slink off into blessed anonymity.  With a single request, “Shooter,” a contestant on TV’s The Bachelorette, catapulted himself from obscurity to become America’s newest and most exciting target of ridicule.   

“Ask me about my nickname,” Shooter urges the Bachelorette, hilariously ignorant of the humiliation tsunami he has set in motion, which comes crashing down upon him just a few minutes later.    

No, It's Not Because I'm A Good Golfer

Hey!  Wanna Hear Why They Call Me Guy Who Once Had Sex With A Chicken?  It’s Kinda Embarrassing: The Bachelorette Meets Shooter, the Man With the Saddest Nickname Backstory Ever — Vulture.

TSA Worker’s Miniscule Manhood Now A Matter Of Public Record

10 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Corporate Culture, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Humor, People, Relationships, Scandal

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Cashew Dick, fight with co-worker, it's not the meat it's the motion, loser, Rolando Negrin, size of genitals, so sad, tiny penis, TSA worker

Rolando Negrin, a TSA worker apparently hung like a larval mosquito, became increasingly upset by jeers about his economy-sized penis.       

Rolando "Cashew Dick" Negrin

Instead of going out and buying himself a really big American truck, Rolando went apeshit and assaulted his annoying co-worker.       

While Rolando may not relish the attention paid to his unimpressive meat-missile, he will hopefully take some satisfaction in the idea that by beating on his co-worker, he at least got to manhandle a prick that was much larger than a baby’s thumb.       

See Rolando Go Off Half-Cocked: FOXNews.com – TSA Worker Arrested After Jokes, Fight About Size of Genitalia.       

Smaktakula

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