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Tag Archives: World War II

Could You Be An Asshole? Holy War

03 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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affecting intelligence, American Civil War, American Revolution, anti-semitism, Chinese Revolution, conflict, Could you be an asshole?, Crimean War, don't be an idiot, Franco-Prussian War, French Revolution, glasses, Gulf War, holy war, Italo-Abyssinian War, Nazis, New York Times, NPR, people who want to sound smart but aren't, Russo-Japanese War, Soviet Revolution, The Indian Wars, Vietnam Conflict, war, War of 1812, wars of religion, Why am I so stupid?, World War I, World War II

By Smaktakula

"Verily, Brethren, I Say Unto Thee That It Pleaseth The Lord That We Smite These Fuckers Royally."

It’s not a crime to want to seem more intelligent than you really are.  There are a great many ways to affect this which are not only effective but also appropriate, such as wearing glasses, carrying an NPR tote bag or bringing up the New York Times more than once in a polite conversation.

Just as there are appropriate ways to feign intelligence, so also are there inappropriate ways.  Chief among these are statements designed to sound intelligent to other idiots, but break down under a smidgen of scrutiny.  One such canard is the oft-heard assertion that “all wars are fought over religion.”

The Almighty Wants No Part Of This.

It is absolutely true that religion is the cause of all armed conflicts, with a few notable exceptions: World War I, World War II, the Vietnam Conflict, the Soviet Revolution, the French Revolution, the Indian Wars, the Chinese Revolution, the Russo-Japanese War, the War of 1812, the Gulf War, the American Civil War, the Italo-Abyssinian War, the Cuban Revolution, the Korean Conflict, Sino-Vietnamese War, the Franco-Prussian War, the American Revolution, the Crimean War, and far, far, far too many others to name.

Not Only Did These Evil Fuck-Monkeys Wage A Decidedly Unholy War, But They Took It To God's Chosen People.

The so-called ‘Jesus Wars’ of the early 1970s were not at all religious in nature, but rather a series of bloody turf-battles between Los Angeles gang leaders. ∞T.

This Day In History: June 6, 1944 CE

06 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History

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1944, Allies, Axis, D Day, France, Germany, June 6, Normandy Invasion, Normandy Landing, Suprise!, this day in history, United States, World War II, WWII

On which allied forces make an unexpected visit to France.

"Scheisse!"

 

Stracciatella: Culinary Delicacy Or Social Disease?

24 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

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blemishes, cheeses, childish sexual innuendo, educational films, gelato, GIs, Italy, one's a cunning runt, painful urination, social disease, soldiers, soups, STDs, STDs are no laughing matter!, stracciatella, the heartbreak of stracciatella, the Stratch, unsightly blemishes, VD, venereal disease, World War II, WWII

By Smaktakula

Okay, Next Picture This Happening In Your Pants.

This one fooled us, too.  Apparently stracciatella can refer to such varied foodstuffs as a soup, cheese and ice-cream.  It is known neither to cause painful urination nor unsightly blemishes on the nether-regions.

We're Reasonably Sure This Is The Soup.

Now the idea of “picking up a case of stracciatella in Italy” doesn’t sound nearly so scary.  Or exciting.

A Fun Historical Fact:  During WWII, American GIs suffering from lactose intolerance were forced to watch a number of anti-stracciatella films before deploying overseas.  Some of the better-known films were Stracciatella? Non!, The Devil’s Cheese and The Fräulein Who Gave Me The Statch. ∞T.

Your Write-In Campaign For Loser Star Unnecessary

07 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

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America has ceded her humor advantage to the Canadians, Betty White, Buddy the Elf, Canada, Canada is world's funniest country, cocaine, coke, Cokie Monster, Cookie Monster, drugs, fellatrix, Golden Girls, has-been, kitsch, Larry the Cable Guy, last surviving Golden Girl, loser, Mike Meyers, Mr. T, New Coke, North Korea is the world's unfunniest country, Party On!, pop culture, repetition ad nauseum, Ron Burgundy, Saturday Night Live, SNL, SNL alumnus, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, the laughs race, the unfunnying of America, United States of America, untalented stars, Wayne's World, Will Ferrell, World War II, write-in campaign, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

One of the great surprises in television this year was the write-in campaign for Betty White to host Saturday Night Live.  As the last surviving Golden Girl, the honor was certainly due her, and although we didn’t see the episode, we understand it was a big hit.

Before SNL Existed To Tell Us What Was Cool, We Had To Make Those Judgments Based Solely On Merit.

As in any instance when an unexpected event proves a resounding hit with the fans, SNL’s producers will be tempted to continue with the formula.  Fortunately, SNL has always kept itself away from the practice of abusing an amusing premise by wringing from it every last drop of funny and then casting it aside upon the dust heap of pop culture.

Party On, Wayne! And On.

But of course people will try.  Typing “Dear SNL Please Let Host,” reveals two names most prominently–Ron Burgundy and Buddy the Elf–both characters made somewhat famous by turn-of-the-century funnyman Will Ferrell, himself an SNL alumnus.  A cadre of jaded do-nothings is mounting a serious attempt to return Ferrell to television.

Fact: Paunchy Blond Guys Well-Over Six Feet Tall Are Not Funny. Don't Believe Us? Name One.

This is both dangerous and irresponsible.  Whether motivated by pity or a sense of kitsch, keeping Ferrell’s career alive is a benefit to no one, least of all the former celebrity.  Repeated studies have demonstrated that exposure to comedians like Ferrell or Larry the Cable Guy is arguably the greatest single factor in the unfunnying of America.  Once the funniest country in the world, America ceded first place to Canada sometime in the mid-1980s.  For posterity’s sake, and for Ferrell’s as well, let the man’s career die with a modicum of dignity.

Betty Has Never Gone Back.

Even fictional–although arguably more talented–characters are trying to launch their own write-in campaigns to appear on the comedy program.  Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster has an SNL audition tape, and is reportedly very serious about seeking a hosting gig.  Privately, industry insiders say that the monster has very little chance of success; a reputation for no-shows and erratic behavior have earned him the nickname “Cokie” Monster.

"thenmesaidMEWANTCOOKIEbuttheycouldn'thandle *HNFFF!* couldn'thandlemebeingrealy'knowMEWANTCOOKIEWHATTHEFUCKME *HNFFF!* MEHAVETODOTOGETFUCKINGCOOKIE! goddamncookiemonsterfeelinallright!"

The great Betty White write-in campaign of 2010 brought a brief spontaneity to television, a medium noted for being anything but.  But if we’ve learned anything from such travesties as the New Coke, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace and World War II, it’s sometimes best just to leave the original as it is.

Don't Be Naive. You Really Think Betty Got The Job Through A Write-In Campaign?

This Day In History: December 7, 1941 CE

07 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in History, News

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64-Bit Wars, a date which will live in infamy, Baby Boomers, December 7, Isoroku Yamamoto, Japan, Japanese Empire, Pearl Harbor, sneak attack, Surprise!, the Arizona, the Greatest Generation, this day in history, Tora! Tora! Tora!, Uncle Giuseppe, United States of America, US Navy, World War II

On which itchy trigger fingers within the Japanese Empire are at least a generation premature in precipitating a war with America, finding Greatest Generation Americans not to be the vacuous, lazy, self-indulgent whiners their children will become.

Forever Haunted By His Propaganda Work For The Japanese During The 64-Bit Wars And Ostracized By The Italian-American Community As An "Uncle Giuseppe," Mario Died A Broken, Highly-Pixelated Man.

So sorry . . . we come back later.

This Day In History: August 9, 1945 CE

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Crime, Culture, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

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atomic bomb, August 9, Bockscar, catastrophe, Fat Man, harsh response, if something's not funny the first time maybe it will be the second, Japan, Japanese Surrender, man-made disaster, mushroom cloud, Nagasaki, nuclear explosion, Theory of Moral Relativity, this day in history, United States Army, United States of America, US Army Air Corps, what the fuck is wrong with you people?, World War II

On which OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! AGAIN!  AGAIN WITH THE BOMBING!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Okay. Now We're Done.

Truman’s Momentous Decision Explained

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, People, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Albert Einstein, atomic bomb, Axis Powers, Bockscar, decision to drop the bomb, easy choice, Enola Gay, Fat Man, General Tojo, Germany, hard choice, Harry S Truman, Hiroshima, Japan, Little Boy, Nagasaki, Theory of Moral Relativity, United States Army, war of attrition, war-weariness, World War II

By Smaktakula

The decision could not have been one which Harry S Truman undertook lightly.  Having held the nation’s highest office for only a few months, Truman was faced with an ugly choice, the implications of which would reverberate more forcefully throughout history than any other presidential decision before or since.

"Once The Japanese See This Beauty At Work, They'll Be Lining Up To Surrender. The Second One's Just In Case."

With the War in Europe having finally worn to a bloody close, America’s attention at last turned to her enemies in the Far East.  Despite recent military setbacks and the capitulation of their German allies, Japanese morale remained high.  Tojo’s soldiers were tenacious, almost fanatically indefatigable, traits that earned them the grudging respect of their American counterparts.  Given that these troops, aided by militias and civilians, would now be fighting in mutual defense of their island home ensured that any outcome was bound to be messy.

The Theory Of Moral Relativity: You Can't Break A Few Eggs Without Making An Omelette.

In the end, Truman faced two unpalatable options.  The first, initially the more painful of the two, would require the larger up-front payment in American blood and treasure.   The Allied troops would be given the unenviable task of fighting their way onto entrenched beaches which would make the reception they received at Normandy look like France’s defense of its homeland in 1940.

Once the Allied forces managed to establish a  beachhead, they would then be forced to fight their way through to the island’s interior.  The invaders would be resisted at every step, resulting in a series of bloody actions and guerilla attacks in a gruelling war of attrition.  By the time the allied forces took Tokyo, they would have left in their wake an ocean of dead GIs, with legions of maimed young heroes sent home to an increasingly war-weary American public.  Victory could be won, but at a terrible cost.

The second choice would initally appear to be the easier of the two.  Howev–

"Easy Option! Easy Option!"

This Day In History: August 6, 1945 CE

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

08:15, atomic bomb, August 6, Enola Gay, harsh response, Hiroshima, Japan, Juro sucks so bad it isn't even funny, Little Boy, Manhattan Project, mushroom cloud, Nagasaki, Pacific Theater, Rising Sun, ruined birthday parties, Say hello to my little friend, Smaktakula got notebook paper one year for his birthday so he kind of knows how it feels, that song by OMD, this day in history, United States Army, US Army Air Corps, War with Japan, World War II

On which Hiro Okada has the shittiest birthday ever.

"Fuuuuuck Yooooou, Juro!"

 “Yeah, my apartment is trashed.  I’m gonna go crash at my sister’s place in Nagasaki for a few days.”

This Day In History: August 5, 1945 CE

05 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in History

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August 5, birthday parties, deus ex machina, Hiro thinks he's so cool but you know what? He's not., Hiroshima, Japan, Pacific Theater, Rising Sun, sneak attack, Surprise!, this day in history, tomorrow is another day, United States Army, US Army Air Corps, World War II

A lovely, but otherwise unremarkable day in Hiroshima, Japan.  On which young Juro Watanabe prays feverishly for a means to avoid hated cousin Hiro’s birthday party the following afternoon.

"You Know, It's Been So Nice Out These Past Few Days. Why Don't We Pack Ourselves A Lunch And Picnic In The Park Tomorrow?"

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