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Tag Archives: overreaction

Promethea Culpa

17 Thursday May 2012

Posted by tardsie in Crime, Culture, History, News

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

apology, avoiding responsibility, guns, hypocrisy, irresponsible speech, Kate Gosselin, making excuses, overreaction, Promethea Culpa, retraction, RUN BITCH! RUN!, Sarah Palin, shame campaign, Tuscon shooting, United States of America, veiled threats, violence

Originally presented Jan 18, 2011

By Tardsie

Promethean Times regrets that our clumsy handling of a recent event necessitates both a clarification and an apology.  We have entered an age in which our words take on meanings not originally intended, and where the line between free speech and incitement has grown perilously thin.

Sarah To Kate: “RUN, BITCH! RUN!” By Which She Means ‘Run For Elected Office.’ Sarah Thinks Kate Is Just Swell.

Recent violence in the United States compels us to reexamine a December 27th Promethean Times piece, Plan To Strand Palin, Gosselin In Alaskan Wilderness Unsuccessful.  In the aforementioned piece, we depicted a gun-toting Sarah Palin above the caption ‘Many People Hoped That This Image Would Be The Last Thing To Go Through Kate Gosselin’s Mind Before The Bullet.’

We’re confident most readers understood that our intention, however ham-handed in its execution, was to express the hope that an image of her friend Sarah Palin went through Kate Gosselin’s mind rapidly–as in, with the speed of a bullet. We did not mean to imply or depict, as some readers clearly believe, any intended violence from Palin toward the talentless reality star.  This erroneous assumption is bolstered by our choice of image, and in this, we probably chose unwisely.  If we had to do it again, would most likely not choose a picture of Palin with an automatic weapon, and definitely not one in which the former vice-presidential candidate is taking direct aim at the viewer.

We want to be perfectly clear: the error was inadvertent.  Although as a staff we are stunned that anyone would believe Promethean Times capable of such a gross breach of our journalistic responsibilities, we acknowledge that through our own actions, we bear at least some culpability for the confusion.

“I’ve Got A Shotgun Shell Here With Kate’s Name On It. As A Present, Of Course. I Did The Engraving Myself. You Betcha!”

We very  much regret that Promethean Times‘ ambiguous phrasing caused alarm among a portion of our more sensitive readers, and in the future will endeavor whenever possible to eschew confusing, convoluted–and seemingly interminable–sentences which, through their various levels of syntactic abstraction not only serve to baffle a reader, but also sorely test his or her patience with the writer’s self-indulgent, pointless and increasingly wearisome verbal prestidigitation; instead, in such situations where previously we might have employed so confusing and unnecessarily-elaborate a syntax, we henceforth shall strive mightily to use only the most concise, clearly-worded and straightforward sentence structure in both the hope and belief that in doing so, such plain grammar will not only help to mitigate the very real possibility of further confounding the reader and thereby abrogating our journalistic mandate to effectively impart an intended message, but also–and by no means less importantly–to be more thoroughly satisfying for the reader.

For reals.

“KILL SMAKTAKULA! With Kindness. You’ve Heard That Expression, Right?”

Nancy Grace’s Exposed Nipple Continues To Horrify

08 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Benny Hill, boobs, breasts, breastuses, Fall of Troy, FCC, honkers, knockers, Nancy Grace, nipple slip, overreaction, psychic trauma, sweater bunnies, sweater kittens, tits, Troy, you'd hit it if you were drunk enough

By Smaktakula

Would You Have Dreamed That A Squirrely Casaba Could Cause So Much Heartbreak?

The psychic trauma resulting from Nancy Grace’s Dancing With The Stars nipple-slip continues to reverberate across the globe.  Grace’s errant ‘Horreola’ has instigated even more collateral damage than previously believed.

As evidence, we point to the dozen or so viewers who have recently written to the FCC complaining about Grace’s slightly exposed knocker.  Among the audience’s grievances were an anger that the dimwitted news personality “displayed her pornographic breast and nipple on national television,” and that the gruesome display  “scared my children.”

The Boob Won't Put Your Eye Out. You'll Do That Yourself.

Promethean Times holds the female breast in the highest regard.  Breasts feed our children, fill out sweaters and parade with surprising frequency through the sweaty imaginations of men, giving America’s male portion of the workforce a regular distraction from the soul-crushing drudgery of work.  Breasts have brought about the Fall of Troy, maintained the popularity of the guitar and made Benny Hill watchable.  They are a force of nearly mystic import, with powers both beneficent and malign.  Nancy Grace appears to have used her breasticular powers for evil, and a scarred public is still paying the price.

Too Little, Too Late.

Sweaty Balls Bunch Panties

23 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Ben & Jerry, childish sexual innuendo, Church Lady, Colon Blow, Hans & Franz, hypocrisy, ice cream, obscenity, overreaction, protests, Saturday Night Live, Schweddy Balls, self-righteousness, SNL, sweaty balls, Vermont

By Smaktakula

It's Said That Once You Try The Chocolate Salty Balls, No Other Salty Ball Will Ever Completely Satisfy.

Counterculture ice cream pushers Ben & Jerry have gone too far this time. Heretofore, no one cared that they were eccentric–the public generously tolerated their confectionary love of dirty jam bands, which takes form in such bad trip flavors as Phish Food, Cherry Garcia and Bon-Bon Jovi.

Dippy-trippy fun is one thing, but outright filth is something altogether beyond the pale.  The Vermont ice-cream commissars have thrown good taste to the wind, naming their latest abomination Sweaty Balls.  In most cases we regard as silly those protests levied for moralistic reasons, and encourage potential protesters to un-bitch themselves and simply not purchase the offending product. However, there comes a time when the conscience can no longer countenance obscenity and rebels against the undermining of our most cherished values.   When such potty-mouthery is used to smear a wholesome, all-American treat like ice cream, Promethean Times must take its place among the righteously indignant and tell Ben & Jerry: NO MORE!

We're Just Saying They Could Have Based Their Product On A Wholesome SNL Sketch, Like 'Hans & Franz,' 'Church Lady,' Or 'Colon Blow.'

Update:  As it turns out, the product in question isn’t called “Sweaty Balls” at all, but rather, “Schweddy Balls,” based on the popular Saturday Night Live sketch of the same name.

In light of this, it is possible to view our earlier statements as something of an overreaction.  In retrospect, we feel like complete assholes.  We can only assume that other critics of Schweddy Balls made the same mistake we did, and that once they are apprised of their error, they will also have the decency to feel like complete assholes.

Seriously, Though--'Sweaty Balls' Could Put You Off Ice Cream Forever.

Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong Champion Of Tolerance

21 Monday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, News

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

Alexandra Wallace, Andy Kaufman, anti-semitism, Archie Bunker, Asians, bigotry, Borat, contrived indignation, cowardice, Gene D. Block, George Jefferson, jealousy, lovable bigot, lynch mob, Manzanar, overreaction, racism, racism is funny!, Sacha Baron Cohen, satire, UCLA, wear a cup pussy, YouTube

By Smaktakula

"Believe Me, I Know I've Hurt People, But I've Learned My Lesson. Would I Do Something Like This Again? Not A Chinaman's Chance!"

When It’s Funny ‘Cause It’s Hateful.

In a stunning turn of events, comments which only days ago had been considered astoundingly offensive have now been revealed to be clever satire.  “I thought more people would get it,” says Alexandra Wallace of her clever satirical rant, “But they didn’t.  Not at first.”  The spunky UCLA student’s anti-racist message was misconstrued, leading viewers to believe that the provocative statements were Wallace’s views.  “No way,” says Wallace, “Racism is gay.”

It's A Jewish Guy Pretending To Be A Culturally-Backward And Casually-But-Brutally-Anti-Semetic Kazakh Who Exposes Bigotry By Acting Like A Bigot. Sacha Baron Cohen Is Not A Racist--He's Only Perpetuating Ignorant Stereotypes To Get A Laugh.

Wallace, who grew up on the hard streets of the suburbs, knew she wanted to devote her life to fighting racism even before she matriculated at UCLA.  Still, she isn’t sure where her quest will take her, as she doesn’t like to call herself a performance artist, nor does she see herself specifically as a comedian, “Although I think people like to laugh at themselves,” she says. Wallace considers herself a ‘Stealth Philosopher.’  “I like to blow people’s minds without them knowing it.”

Because Nothing Hurts Worse Than Words.

Wallace’s now-infamous YouTube performance was modeled on the loveable bigotry of progressive sitcom characters Archie Bunker and the ‘Even-Funnier-‘Cause-He’s-Black’ racism of George  Jefferson, and delivered in a delightfully self-aware homage to Andy Kaufman.  “I’m just like Borat!” she squeals.

Really? It's Just Because Of The Asian Thing That You're Mad At Alexandra? There Isn't Anything Else About Her That's Bothering You? Maybe Something You Think Is Just A Little Bit Unfair?

But things didn’t turn out as Wallace had planned.  It didn’t take long for Wallace’s video to go viral, but the altruistic student was surprised by the backlash which followed.  At worst, she expected her words mind garner some mild tut-tutting, as when Jesse Jacskson insulted Jews by calling New York Hymietown or when the Gaff-o-Matic Joe Biden marveled that a black presidential candidate could be both clean and articulate. “I guess I forgot to take a good look in the mirror this morning,” Wallace says.

For Reals. We Read This Through A Couple Times, And Apparently There Just Isn't Any Protection For Your Hurt Feelings. Yes, We'll Look Again.

Although she had expected some grousing from purists who didn’t approve of her radical method for delivering her message, Wallace could in no way have been prepared for the firestorm which followed.  Although Wallace didn’t say anything which isn’t being said right now in America’s comedy clubs, she failed to take into account how being a blond–and therefore presumably privileged–white girl only served as a degrading example to other girls who were not, and could never be, blond white girls.

"Seventy Years Ago, My Great-Grandfather--A Loyal American Citizen--Was Deprived Of His Property And His Rights When The US Government Imprisoned Him During WWII For The Crime Of Having Parents Born In Japan. Now That I've Been Forced To Hear These Terrible Comments, I Know Exactly The Horror He Experienced."

“With the edgy stuff we see on TV–there’s a laugh track to let us know when someone is only pretending to be racist.  But Ms. Wallace provided no such mechanism. We thought it was racism,” says UCLA Chancellor Gene D. Block.  “That’s why we hounded Ms. Wallace out of school and contributed to the lynch mob mentality.”  Shaking his head he whispers, “If only we’d gotten it a little sooner.  She could have made it easier.”  He went on to add that picking on Asians was an especially contentious issue, since with the exception of age-old cultural prejudices against blacks, whites and even other Asians, this sort of intolerance is not seen at all in Asia.

We Get It--Racism Hurts. Wow, We Haven't Seen You This Upset Since The Time You Thought You Saw Your Sister Talking To A Black Guy.

Wallace agrees.  “It’s my own fault.  I didn’t take into account that all Asians–or ‘Orientals,’ as they prefer to be called–lack a sense of humor.  Everyone knows that you need a soul to laugh.”  True to character, Wallace remained stonefaced, pretending confusion at the nervous titters which greeted her statement.

People Were Once Able To Use The Term 'Lovable Bigot' While Keeping A Straight Face.

But with Wallace’s biting diatribe revealed to be satire, the misunderstanding has been put to rest.  UCLA has asked Wallace to come back–but not as a student.  Starting in September, Wallace will teaching a seminar on sarcasm in the new media.  Wallace has put aside her own educational plans for the moment to pursue a career in front of the camera.  “I love it,” she says, “LA is awesome, but there’s kinda a lot of Mexicans.  They drive really gross cars and they don’t talk English.  And can I say that there are WAY too many homos here?”

"What Pisses Me Off Is That Smaktakura Depicts Me Talking Rike A Cartoon Asian. God Dammit! You See! He Doing It Right Now! Me So Angry!"

Hate can be funny.  But serious hate is no laughing matter.

UPDATE: Apparently, earlier reports claiming that Wallace’s unconscionable racial hate screed was satirical in nature have been revealed to be false.  Given that no sensible person could find anything remotely humorous in her comments, Wallace must be seen for the ugly hate-monger that she is.  Despite the many striking resemblances to even more incendiary but also more socially instructive characters like Borat, Archie Bunker and George Jefferson or the similarities between Wallace’s comments and those of edgy comedians like George Carlin or Lewis Black, the former UCLA student uses her words to hurt rather than heal. There are those who say that the young woman has suffered enough for what were essentially harmless comments, and who see something unseemly in the smug, contrived anger of this recent witch hunt.  Ridiculous.  We question whether Wallace’s complete ruination goes far enough.  We can only hope that Wallace develops a hideous and painful wasting disease.  Maybe then she’ll understand just how much words hurt.

It's Okay To Laugh; It's Just Hate For Pretend. Right?

‘Choking Game’ Claims Victim; Promethean Times Urges Panic

03 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Games, General Foolishness, Health, National Events

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

choking game, death by asphyxiation, drugs, Erik Robinson, hysteria, Jenkem, natural selection, overreaction, panic, sensationalism, wacky ideas, yellow journalism

By Smaktakula

The hidden scourge of America’s youth has claimed another victim.  Erik Robinson died on April 20th after playing the ‘Choking Game.’  The rules of the game are sketchy, but it can be assumed that Robinson lost.

A ghastly situation like this one calls for sympathy and compassion.  It would be in the very worst taste, for example, to point out that Promethean Times was ahead of the pack in spotlighting this pernicious destroyer of youth, and had Little Erik heeded this warning, the boy might very well be alive right now.  It’s difficult to imagine anyone stooping to that sort of verbal thuggery.

Even more than critical than sympathy or compassion, however, is the need for blind, unreasoning panic.  This situation is far too dangerous for America to stand by idly doing nothing.  Something must be done, and quickly.  This may mean entertaining hastily laid plans which will later take a tremendous toll, perhaps in terms of money, infrastructure or even human lives.  The danger makes it worth the risk!

Don’t do nothing–do something!

And while you’re at it, be aware of dangers like the designer drug, Jenkem, which can be made using products found in the typical American bathroom.

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