Tag Archives: Tibet

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Free Stuff

20 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

We Certainly Wouldn't Pay Good Money For A Diminutive, Messianic Madman, But We'd Be Fools To Pass Up This Deal.

Folks love to tell you that “the best things in life are free.” There has never been a time when these words were true, and never less so than today. Those who chose to repeat this old canard willfully ignore that even essential items cost money, and that about the only things which still remain free are your first month of service, unsolicited advice and herpes.

This Ad May Be In Error. Last We Heard, China Was Never Going To Give Up Tibet.

Is There ANYBODY Who Thinks This Is A Good Deal?

It Had Better Be Free. We've Never Paid For Pussy In Our Lives.

Free Tibet! (Or Did That Already Happen?)

06 Thursday Jan 2011

Posted by in Culture, History

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By Smaktakula

Sure, Sure--It's Super Important, But We Have Some Questions First.

It’s a challenge to drive any distance these days without seeing the ubiquitous political bumper sticker, in which complex and deeply-nuanced issues are boiled down to a sloganized reduction so bereft of substance that it makes the average high-schooler’s Tweet seem Faulknerian by comparison.  From SMILE YOU WEREN’T ABORTED’s stealthy smugness to the charmingly pathetic earnestness of KERRY/EDWARDS 2004, political bumper stickers proclaim a myriad of simplistic political philosophies expressed in varying degrees of screechiness.

FREE TIBET saw its heyday as a cause célèbre in the heady days of the Post-Soviet 1990s, when anything seemed possible–even affecting global change through the power of an adhesive decal.  Even so, FREE TIBET still doggedly clamors for attention from the rear bumpers of those who refuse to forget.

Tibetans Such As Man-Who-Watches-Sky Wonder When The Great Spirit Will End Their Oppression.

But do they know what they remember?  After seeing a certain musician (whom we choose not to name, but who recently attempted a laughably anticlimactic run at the presidency of an impoverished, voodoo-loving, non-baseball playing nation in the Caribbean) fail spectacularly to comment coherently on the situation, we began to wonder how much Tibet’s defenders actually know about the tiny, oppressed nation.  So we devised a simple test.

Although Promethean Times lives and dies on Freedom of Expression, we believe also in the responsibility to voluntarily limit that freedom to those spheres of knowledge in which the speaker has at least a rudimentary grasp of the subject.  We do not question the right of any man, woman or child to speak out of his or her ass–Promethean Times is both a proponent of and adherent to the delicately-disciplined ballet that is ass-talking–but to trumpet one’s ignorance publicly from the back of a car is not only a blaring admission of that ignorance, but allows observers to match the stupid to a face.

Tibet Boasts A Host Of Aboriginal Cultures.

Which is why Promethean Times endorses the Political Intelligence Standards Survey, a voluntary program whereby the owners of political bumper stickers would submit to a brief test of their knowledge on the subject about which they wish so stridently to opine.  Those freeway pundits able to pass the test would be able to tell the world not only that OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST!, but also to proudly proclaim that they have at least a half-formed idea of what a socialist is.

For the FREE TIBET crowd we recommend asking “On which continent will you find Tibet?”  In a perfect world the respondent would be able to name the country from which beleaguered Tibet seeks to gain its independence, but after much debate we decided that was probably asking for too much from today’s geographically-disinclined society.

The Yeti (Seen Here) And The Dalai Lama Are Two Of Tibet's More Famous Mythical Creatures.

The upshot is that the situation in Tibet is very serious, and threatens to spill over into neighboring Ivory Coast and Macedonia, with violence potentially spreading widely enough even to affect fake countries like Sri Lanka.  Until the Norwegian government sees fit to bring real freedom to the brave people of this tiny sub-Saharan nation, the Free World should never expect real peace in South America.

Well, We've Done Our Part.

Given that the above is 100% true, we’re not exactly sure why our Irony Sense goes wild at the fact that until recently some FREE TIBET flags were made in China. ∞T.

Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka

02 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, History

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By Smaktakula

Much Like Oz Or Atlantis, This Mythical Land Has Inspired The Imagination For Over 50 Years.

In recent months, international news has been replete with stories about Sri Lanka, from the hot and cold civil war between the government and the Tamil Tigers which ravished the tiny nation from 1983 to 2009, to the uneasy peace with exists today.  Thought not a cause célèbre like Tibet or Haiti, Sri Lanka is a region of concern for geopolitical strategists.  A simple internet search for Sri Lanka reveals thousands upon thousands of hits.  But does such a country even exist?

Cartographers say it does.  And on nothing more than the word of these men and women, millions of maps are made to their specifications.  Promethean Times questions the wisdom of placing so much power in the hands of such a small cadre.  It doesn’t take a genius to see that one or two corrupt cartographers could easily introduce a fake country to the world and elude discovery for years or even decades.

Damn! Tamil Chicks Don’t Mess Around.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Have you or anyone you know ever been to Sri Lanka?
  • Have you ever met anyone from Sri Lanka?
  • Have you ever even heard mention of someone from Sri Lanka?

All three questions are easy enough to answer: Of course not!  Beginning to see the picture?  The folks at Rand McNally hope you don’t.

Colombo, Sri Lanka. Because “Barnaby Jones, Sri Lanka” Was Already Taken.

Promethean Times tracked down a man living in Southern California who claims to be from Sri Lanka.  “YS,” as we’ll call him (YS’s name has been withheld not to protect his anonymity, but to spare us the trouble of writing the 341 characters required for the task), agreed to a telephone interview with Promethean Times:

PT: And your contention is that Sri Lanka exists?

YS: (Laughs) Well, of course it exists.  I was born there.

PT:  Hmm.  Yes, you told us that.  What would you say if we told you we’d acquired a copy of your birth certificate?

YS:  You have my birth certificate?  That seems strange and unnecessary.  Why would you–

PT: (Interrupting) And do you know what it says under ‘Country of Birth?’

YS: (Continuing) . . . just find it really odd that you would do that.  I thought this was supposed–

PT: Do you know what it says?  You must since it’s your birth certificate.  Do you want to know?

YS: Tell me.

PT: Do you?

YS: What the hell is wrong with you, anyw–

PT: (Interrupting) It says ‘Ceylon.’

YS: Well, yes–obviously.  But in 1972, Ceylon was renamed Sri Lanka.

PT: Mr. S, you keep adding to your story.  First you were born in Sri Lanka, next you’re saying, ‘Oops, my mistake–I wasn’t born in Sri Lanka after all.  It was a magical land called Cylon.’

YS: Ceylon.

PT: And then Cylon and Sri Lanka are suddenly the same thing!  (Laughs) Frankly, Mr. S–Having repeatedly shown yourself averse to the truth, why should we believe anything you say?

YS: I don’t really care what you thi–

PT: (Interrupting) And what do you say to those critics who contend that people from ‘Sri Lanka’ are just Indians with darker tans?

YS:  What?  Who the hell says that?  Who?

PT:  Us, mostly.

YS:  Don’t call here again.  (Line goes dead)

Why do ‘Sri Lankans’ get so defensive when asked if theirs is a real country?  Perhaps because it’s not?  Until we’re prepared to ask the hard questions of the cartography lobby, we may never know the answer.

How Do We Know That Some Of These Other Wacky ‘Countries’–Burkina Faso, Djibouti, Austria–Even Exist?

Dedicated with much affection to a very tolerant Tamil.