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Tag Archives: Ivory Coast

Headlines: Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man

20 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Adam Jones, Afghanistan, Alaska, Andrea Barber, Argentina, Ashley Tisdale, Brazil, Cambodia, Chechnya, China, chubby chasers, dope, Egypt, Florida, ganja, Grenada, headlines, hemp, Iraq, Ivory Coast, John Kerry, Kim Kardashian, Kimmy Gibbler, left-handed people, Libya, Lollapalooza, marijuana, Mexico, Miley Cyrus, North Korea, Pakistan, Panama, pot, pr0n, Rangoon, reefer, Robin Thicke, Rome, Rwanda, Serbia, Sri Lanka, sweet sweet cheeba, Syria, the French, Tim Tebow, Vietnam, Vincent Van Gogh, weed, Zetas, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

How Conceited Are The Folks In South Haven?–They Clearly Believe Their Shit Don’t Stink.

You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.

***

  • 11 Social Security Mistakes People Make ~ The biggest one is assuming it will meet your post-retirement financial needs. That’s not a joke. That’s free advice.
  • Fla. girl who lost feet in lawnmower accident takes first steps on prosthetic legs ~ She’d better get used to those things quickly; that lawn isn’t going to mow itself.
  • Smaller Testicles Linked with Caring Fathers ~ Also known as ‘mothers.’
  • Health: Why I Would Vote No On Pot ~ “Because I’m a dick!”
  • Kim Kardashian on arrival of new baby girl: ‘Can’t believe it! It’s so crazy!’ ~ It seems nutty to us as well, but since you’re over 21 and haven’t been convicted of a felony, we guess you’re entitled to take that baby home if you want to.

“HHHHHHUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!”

  • Did Robin Thicke’s Wife Confront Miley Cyrus? ~ Oh my God, I’m sure I don’t know and what’s more, I couldn’t care less.
  • Men charged with attempting to bribe judge in Zetas case ~ In Mexico, being charged with bribery means that your bribe was insufficient.
  • New Vincent Van Gogh painting ‘Sunset at Montmajour’ surfaces ~ You really think that’s new? ‘Cause we’re not so sure.
  • Losing a Tattoo, Gaining a Tumor ~ “Oh, you know what? I think I’m gonna keep the tat for right now.”
  • What has Adam Jones been doing since he’s not walking? ~ Well, as you know, he’s been hard at work with his therapist in the desperate hope that he might someday regain the use of his legs. Dick.
  • Two men reportedly punch girl, 11, for Lollapalooza beach ball ~ Sounds pretty shitty, we know–but not to worry, the 11-year-old told us that prior to the assault, she had a ball.

Which Hurts Worse, The Pun Or The Beating? Oh, RIght…The Beating. Yeah, That Was A Stupid Question.

  • Alaska serial killer tied to at least 11 deaths, FBI says ~ Holy shit! That’s like half the state.
  • Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too ~ And she will! Which is the whole reason young men go to college in the first place.
  • TV: What Happened To Kimmy Gibbler ~ I went to college with Andrea Barber, who played Kimmy Gibbler on the odious Full House (which I’m proud to say I’ve never seen). You’ll be happy to know that Andrea was a lovely person who went on to have a real life. 
  • AP Analysis: Egypt enters uncharted territory ~ False. Egypt has moved very little in its long history, and it’s pretty well mapped-out.
  • The full-figured fitness instructor ~ Does not fill me with confidence.
  • My daughter took a girl to prom. Why did I let it bother me? ~ Because it’s just one more dashed hope that Dakota will follow in the family tradition of getting knocked up by graduation.

Why Not Make EVERYWHERE A ‘Walk Of Shame?’

  • Ashley Tisdale’s Stalker Won’t Leave Her Alone ~ Yeah, but if he did, what kind of stalker would he be?
  • 11 Little-Known Facts About Left-Handers ~ #6 They eat babies. We could have told you that.
  • Having It All Without Having Children ~ Pretty much the only way you can have ANYTHING is to not have children.
  • French sperm count ‘falls by a third’ ~ But it still tastes a lot like Béarnaise sauce.
  • Sorry, men and women probably can’t be friends ~ Do friends have occasional intercourse? Because if so, I think it’s totally workable.
  • Kerry says United States cannot be ‘spectators to slaughter’ in Syria ~ So we’re just gonna change the channel to something a little less ugly, like we did in Rwanda. And Argentina. And Grenada. And Cambodia.  And Panama. And Sri Lanka. And Vietnam. And China. And Serbia. And Brazil. And Iraq. And Ivory Coast. And Libya. And North Korea. And Mexico. And Chechnya. And Afghanistan. And Pakistan. And Rangoon. And Zimbabwe. And Egypt. And Sudan. And Central Africa¹ And Saudi Arabia. And…

Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”

  • What Your Car Says About Your Personality (You Might Be Surprised!) ~ That you’re a fool who entrusts his sense of self to an inanimate object that cares not one whit whether you live or die. 
  • Hiker lost in the Andes for four months lived on rats and raisins ~ It’s amazing the lengths to which some people will go just to survive. Seriously, raisins are fucking gross.
  • 3 Quiet Museums in Rome ~ Ha! No place is quiet in Rome. Oh. My. God. Those people don’t ever shut up.
  • You Found Your 13-Year-Old’s Porn Stash. What Should You Do? ~ Wash your hands with soap, scalding water and steel wool.
  • Tim Tebow to pursue ‘lifelong dream’ after release by Patriots ~ Gay porn–and lots of it!
  • Iranian officials take to Twitter to wish Jews a happy new year and welcome … ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!!

Honestly, This Is A Little More Their Style.

  • Testosterone Trick Leaves Wives Speechless ~ A magic ‘shut-up trick?’ We’re listening.
  • Smile: USA ranks 17th among world’s happiest countries ~ We’d rank higher, but some of those European countries are counting “gay” as happy.
  • Man Arrested for Killing 13-Year-Old Girl Made One Huge Mistake ~ Other than taking the life of an innocent child, you mean. Another huge mistake.
  • She’s fat, and I’m not ~ That makes you a chubby-chaser. There’s nothing wrong with that.
  • Man shot after performing forced fellatio ~ At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just can’t see this happening to me. If a dude ever put a gun to my head and demanded I go down on him, I’d give him the best damn BJ he ever had in his life. Afterwards, he wouldn’t even be able walk, let alone shoot me.

Put The Gun Away, Bro–You Had Me At “GET.”

¹You didn’t know about that one? Hell, folks–we’re still there. ∞ T.

Seattle: Coffee Poseur

22 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

advertising, Canada, Christianity, coffee, coffee culture, Columbia, culture, Guatemala, It City, Ivory Coast, King County, Lewis County, Mexico, Pierce County, places that suck, poseur, Seattle, Seattle's Best Coffee, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, Snohomish County, Starbucks, T-Town Forever, Thurston County, Uganda, United States of America, urine, Vietnam, Washington, you suck so bad Lewis County so so bad

By Smaktakula

But Not As Much As Seattle ♥s Itself.

No American city is more closely associated with coffee and coffee culture than is snobbish Seattle, Washington.  From the Emerald City’s brief turn as America’s self-obsessed ‘It City’ in the 1990s, certain aspects of the Seattle phenomenon persist into modern times.  Of these, perhaps none is so undeserved as Seattle’s reputation as a coffee Mecca.  The practically-Canadian city is thousands of miles from the nearest coffee crop.

Much Like, Say, Christianity Or South-East Asia, Coffee Has A Distinctive, Important Culture.

This delusion manifests itself in the cancer-like proliferation of Starbucks, and in the tellingly-named Seattle’s Best Coffee.  The city has seized upon an advertising vacuum created by the marketing unsuitability of actual coffee-producing countries.  After all, most Americans aren’t aware that Uganda, Ivory Coast or Guatemala even exit.  Vietnam is out, having achieved the rare distinction of beating the US in a war.  Likewise, the slogan “Columbia’s Best,” would undoubtedly infringe upon trademarks already owned jointly by various cocaine cartels.  And of course, advertising Mexican-grown coffee is a non-starter, largely because Americans are already up to their eyeballs in unscheduled Mexican imports.

Ewwww. You're Gonna Wash Those First, Right?

For Reals: Promethean Times ♥s Seattle

Coffee isn’t just popular in Washington’s King County (Seattle).  The beverage is also enjoyed in nearby Snohomish, Pierce and Thurston Counties.  However, fiercely independent Lewis County’s traditional beverage is a brew consisting of fermented eggs in yak urine. ∞T.

G’Bye, Gbagbo!

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, African strongmen, Alassane Outtara, it'll be different this time, Ivory Coast, Laurent Gbagbo, places that suck, the French, United Nations

By Smaktakula

The Outgoing President Expressed Regret That He Was Unable To Fulfill His Mission To Plunder The Nation's Coffers.

Closure comes today to the months-long standoff in Ivory Coast as forces loyal to UN-backed President Alassane Ouattara arrested former President Laurent Gbagbo, who had been steadfastly refusing to leave office.  The outgoing president is said to be in good spirits following his capture, although suitably embarrassed that his regime is the first in living memory to be successfully toppled by French troops.

With the electoral crisis resolved, this augurs to be a time of healing for the small African nation.  Ivorians are looking forward to a euphoric and all-too-brief honeymoon of high expectations before Ouattara regime transitions to a more traditional leadership role and begins to liquidate the country’s resources while engaging in the slaughter of his enemies.

"This Is A Time To Put Away Anger And Come Together As Ivorians. When The UN Leaves--Only Then Can We Begin The Wholesale Killings."

Ivorian Crisis In Endgame; World Finally Notices

05 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Music, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

African strongmen, Alassane Outtara, Barack Obama, France, impoverished third-world hellhole, international community, Ivorians, Ivory Coast, Laurent Gbagbo, Muammar al-Gaddafi, places that suck, tyrants, United Nations

By Smaktakula

The People Of Ivory Coast Have Thrown Of The Shackles Of Oppression And Embraced Their New Tyrant.

At last it appears that the months-long electoral crisis in Ivory Coast is about to be resolved to the world’s satisfaction.  The international community has long backed challenger Alassane Ouattara over incumbent Laurent Gbagbo, believing that it’s high time the tiny West African nation had a new overlord.

Alassane Ouattara "My Opponent Failed To Realize That The International Community Was Semi-Serious About Regime Change."

Ouattara appears up to the challenge.  During the months-long standoff, the UN-supported candidate’s forces have managed to kill more civilians than the beleaguered Gbagbo, whose powers as an African strongman appear to be fading.

"After So Many Months Of The Ivorian Stalemate, At Last An End Is In Sight, An End Which Reflects The Will Of The Free And Sovereign People Of Ivory Coast, Who Have Used This Freedom To Pick A Strongman Of Their Own Choosing, Who Will Trample Liberties In Accordance With The People's Wishes And Not Act As An Irresponsible Autocrat."

International leaders have noted Gbagbo’s weakness.  Normally-cautious US President Barack Obama felt emboldened enough by the developments to call for Gbagbo’s immediate ouster.  Time is clearly running out for yesterday’s despot, who is said to be confined to his residence, and close to announcing a cease-fire.

The World Signaled Its Commitment To Ending The Crisis By Sending French Forces To Ivory Coast.

Ouattara is said to be eagerly awaiting the changeover.   His supporters promise that the Outtara regime will usher in an era of freedom and democracy that will last as long as the new leader is in power, which is expected to be several decades.

If You Can't Unseat The Tyrant You Hate, Baby, Better Unseat The Tyrant You Can.

TripoliWatch 2011: The Dawn Of Odyssey Dawn

22 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Arabs, Barack Obama, bluster, Bush Doctrine, international community, Ivory Coast, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, No Fly Zone, Operation Desert Kill, Operation El Dorado Canyon, Operation Odyssey Dawn, places that suck, Prairie Dawn, President Obama, President Reagan, Ronald Reagan, that trick never works, the UN's maddening inaction in the face of genocide, treachery, Tripoli, United Nations, United States of America, unpopular wars, Vietnam

By Smaktakula

"Sometimes The Free World Must Take A Stand For Liberty, And Bring The Fight To The Evil Ones. In The Past, This Policy Has Been Known As 'The Bush Doctrine.'"

Fans of endless foreign entanglements were buoyed by the news that Jheri-curled sourpuss Muammar al-Gaddafi continues to thwart an increasingly emboldened international community.  The Colonel’s luck–and the world’s legendary patience and willingness to issue a series  of ridiculously ineffective threats–appear to have run out.

It's Completely Unlike America's Arab Allies To Be Inconstant In Their Friendship With The West.

With the initial backing of several Arab states, a coalition of the United States and the usual suspects have begun to turn the lights out in Libya.  America has always prided itself that, no matter the dubious nature or unpopularity of a conflict at home or abroad, the Superpower never attacks without a cool code name.  Enter Operation Odyssey Dawn. “It just sounded neat,” said an unnamed source, “And had a little more pizzazz than ‘Operation Desert Kill.”

Sesame Street's Prairie Dawn. A Lot Like Odyssey Dawn Except Far Less Bloody, And Much More Likely To Be Remembered In A Year's Time.

Still, the United States can expect some difficulties between now and the time in the vague and unknowable future that the poorly defined mission ends.  Chief among these difficulties is the inconsistency of America’s Arab allies, who after initially supporting the pact, quickly pandered to anti-Americanism from their own people and began backpedaling on their support.  The complete evaporation of Arab support was not anticipated for at least several more days.

Oh, No--We're Not Making THAT Mistake Again. This One'll Be Good--You'll See.

Secondly, this is not the first time the United States has turned Libya into a parking lot in the hopes of punishing the rogue state.  In 1986, US President Ronald Reagan authorized Operation El Dorado Canyon, and on April 15, 1986, US airpower devastated Tripoli.  This action almost succeeded in vaporizing the dictator and his family, but warned by an Italian politician, Gaddafi escaped to menace the world with his nefarious schemes on a number of occasions.  Will the belligerent Bedouin slip the righteous noose of Western justice once again?

"Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah! Can't Touch This!"

Even with the world’s willingness to help, all is not well in Africa.  While the international community has been quick to pummel Libya, it has yet to meet its promise to solve the months-long electoral stalemate in Ivory Coast.  Despite expressing profound concern for the day-to-day plight of Ivorians, it’s not clear why the international community has not shown the same interest in the tiny, coffee and cocoa producing nation as it has in the larger, oil-rich Libya.

"Okay, So What If We Promise To Start Drilling Immediately? Will You Send The Marines? A Couple Girl Scouts? Anything?"

Unrepentant Gaddafi Holds Out Until The Last

04 Friday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Barack Obama, despots, Front 242, Funkahdafi, Ivory Coast, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, North Korea, places that suck, President Obama, revolution, United Nations, unrepentant

By Smaktakula

For The Amount Of Relaxer In This Guy's Hair, He's Not All That Relaxed.

Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi is turning heads around the globe.  Consigned to certain defeat just a week ago, the plucky tyrant is holding out, and in some places regaining ground lost to rebel forces.

The sun-baked despot is thought to be enjoying his return to the spotlight as Public Enemy #1, thumbing his nose at the great powers of the world.  The global community moved swiftly upon word of unrest in Libya, meeting the challenge head on with official condemnation and high-level hand wringing.  There’s even talk of asset freezing.  Clearly, Gaddafi’s days are numbered.

"Although The American People--A Liberty Loving People Born In A Rebellion Themselves--Cherish The Right Of Free Peoples To Decide Their Own Destinies, And Therefore Avoid Meddling In Disputes Far From Our Shores, As Free People, We Also Value Liberty And The Rights Of Individual Men, Which It Seems--Although It May At This Time Be Too Early To Make A Definitive Judgement--That In Libya, Those Liberties Are Not Being Respected. If This Is True--And Again, We Don't Have All The Facts Right Now--Then We Think It Would Be Really Cool Of Col. Gaddafi To Just Cut It Out, Okay?"

When the UN finally steps in to completely settle hostilities, as they have in places such as North Korea or Ivory Coast, Libya will once again be a peaceful oasis of camaraderie and freedom.  It’s a pretty safe bet, however, that until the Colonel goes, there’ll be a lot of bodies in the streets.

"I Will . . . How Do You Say In English? . . . See You In Hell."

Bonus: The Colonel’s Got His Own Theme Song!

Whatever Happened To Ivory Coast?

25 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, African strongmen, Alassane Outtara, Burning Man Revolution, crusading celebrities, Darfur, elections, Ivorians, Ivory Coast, Laurent Gbagbo, North Africa, places that suck, problem solved, that trick never works, transfer of power, United Nations, West Africa

By Smaktakula

You Are Here. Bad Break, Friend.

In the weeks before the Burning Man Revolution put all other African news on the back-burner, simmering troubles came to a boil in West Africa’s Ivory Coast, where a disputed election threatened to tear apart the nation’s fragile peace.  The trouble began when the country’s incumbent president, Laurent Gbagbo, refused to cede power to his rival, Alassane Ouattara, the internationally recognized winner of the election.

The Ivorian Flag: We're Guessing Not A Lot Of Thought Went Into The Design.

These tumultuous events transpired several weeks ago. It’s probably safe to imagine that the situation in Ivory Coast has been resolved, either by internal agreement or through the use of UN Peacekeepers.  If Gbagbo were still claiming power and the country sliding once again into civil war, not only would global news organizations keep us informed, but celebrities–our national conscience–would be striving mightily to keep Ivory Coast’s troubles on the forefront of the public’s mind.

After all, that’s how we saved Darfur.

These UN Peacekeepers Prevented The Election Crisis In Ivory Coast From Getting Out Of Hand.

Free Tibet! (Or Did That Already Happen?)

06 Thursday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abortion, adhesive decal, Americans' woeful lack of a global perspective, Asia, ass-talking, Barack Obama, bumper sticker mentality, China, Dalai Lama, Did we ever fix the Rain Forest?, Free Tibet flags, Free Tibet!, Free World, freeway pundits, Fugeeman, Haiti, Haitians don't play baseball, irony, irony sense, Ivory Coast, jackassery, John Edwards, John Kerry, KERRY/EDWARDS 2004, Macedonia, mythical creatures, mythical lands, Native Americans, Norway, OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST!, people who want to sound smart but aren't, PISS, political bumper stickers, Political Intelligence Standards Survey, political philosophy, political slogans, post-Soviet, Promethean Times, Smaktakula's ability to shamelessly talk out of his ass, SMILE YOU WEREN'T ABORTED, South America, Soviet Union, Sri Lanka, stupid people, stupidity on display, sub-Saharan, Tibet, Tibetans, uninformed opinions, voodoo, we choose to use 'stupid' as a noun. What are you gonna do?, we don't know what we're talking about, Wendigo, William Faulkner, Wyclef Jean, Yeti

By Smaktakula

Sure, Sure--It's Super Important, But We Have Some Questions First.

It’s a challenge to drive any distance these days without seeing the ubiquitous political bumper sticker, in which complex and deeply-nuanced issues are boiled down to a sloganized reduction so bereft of substance that it makes the average high-schooler’s Tweet seem Faulknerian by comparison.  From SMILE YOU WEREN’T ABORTED’s stealthy smugness to the charmingly pathetic earnestness of KERRY/EDWARDS 2004, political bumper stickers proclaim a myriad of simplistic political philosophies expressed in varying degrees of screechiness.

FREE TIBET saw its heyday as a cause célèbre in the heady days of the Post-Soviet 1990s, when anything seemed possible–even affecting global change through the power of an adhesive decal.  Even so, FREE TIBET still doggedly clamors for attention from the rear bumpers of those who refuse to forget.

Tibetans Such As Man-Who-Watches-Sky Wonder When The Great Spirit Will End Their Oppression.

But do they know what they remember?  After seeing a certain musician (whom we choose not to name, but who recently attempted a laughably anticlimactic run at the presidency of an impoverished, voodoo-loving, non-baseball playing nation in the Caribbean) fail spectacularly to comment coherently on the situation, we began to wonder how much Tibet’s defenders actually know about the tiny, oppressed nation.  So we devised a simple test.

Although Promethean Times lives and dies on Freedom of Expression, we believe also in the responsibility to voluntarily limit that freedom to those spheres of knowledge in which the speaker has at least a rudimentary grasp of the subject.  We do not question the right of any man, woman or child to speak out of his or her ass–Promethean Times is both a proponent of and adherent to the delicately-disciplined ballet that is ass-talking–but to trumpet one’s ignorance publicly from the back of a car is not only a blaring admission of that ignorance, but allows observers to match the stupid to a face.

Tibet Boasts A Host Of Aboriginal Cultures.

Which is why Promethean Times endorses the Political Intelligence Standards Survey, a voluntary program whereby the owners of political bumper stickers would submit to a brief test of their knowledge on the subject about which they wish so stridently to opine.  Those freeway pundits able to pass the test would be able to tell the world not only that OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST!, but also to proudly proclaim that they have at least a half-formed idea of what a socialist is.

For the FREE TIBET crowd we recommend asking “On which continent will you find Tibet?”  In a perfect world the respondent would be able to name the country from which beleaguered Tibet seeks to gain its independence, but after much debate we decided that was probably asking for too much from today’s geographically-disinclined society.

The Yeti (Seen Here) And The Dalai Lama Are Two Of Tibet's More Famous Mythical Creatures.

The upshot is that the situation in Tibet is very serious, and threatens to spill over into neighboring Ivory Coast and Macedonia, with violence potentially spreading widely enough even to affect fake countries like Sri Lanka.  Until the Norwegian government sees fit to bring real freedom to the brave people of this tiny sub-Saharan nation, the Free World should never expect real peace in South America.

Well, We've Done Our Part.

Given that the above is 100% true, we’re not exactly sure why our Irony Sense goes wild at the fact that until recently some FREE TIBET flags were made in China. ∞T.

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