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Tag Archives: Ivory Coast

Headlines: Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man

20 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

How Conceited Are The Folks In South Haven?–They Clearly Believe Their Shit Don’t Stink.

You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.

***

“HHHHHHUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!”

Which Hurts Worse, The Pun Or The Beating? Oh, RIght…The Beating. Yeah, That Was A Stupid Question.

Why Not Make EVERYWHERE A ‘Walk Of Shame?’

Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”

Honestly, This Is A Little More Their Style.

Put The Gun Away, Bro–You Had Me At “GET.”

¹You didn’t know about that one? Hell, folks–we’re still there. ∞ T.
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Seattle: Coffee Poseur

22 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

But Not As Much As Seattle ♥s Itself.

No American city is more closely associated with coffee and coffee culture than is snobbish Seattle, Washington.  From the Emerald City’s brief turn as America’s self-obsessed ‘It City’ in the 1990s, certain aspects of the Seattle phenomenon persist into modern times.  Of these, perhaps none is so undeserved as Seattle’s reputation as a coffee Mecca.  The practically-Canadian city is thousands of miles from the nearest coffee crop.

Much Like, Say, Christianity Or South-East Asia, Coffee Has A Distinctive, Important Culture.

This delusion manifests itself in the cancer-like proliferation of Starbucks, and in the tellingly-named Seattle’s Best Coffee.  The city has seized upon an advertising vacuum created by the marketing unsuitability of actual coffee-producing countries.  After all, most Americans aren’t aware that Uganda, Ivory Coast or Guatemala even exit.  Vietnam is out, having achieved the rare distinction of beating the US in a war.  Likewise, the slogan “Columbia’s Best,” would undoubtedly infringe upon trademarks already owned jointly by various cocaine cartels.  And of course, advertising Mexican-grown coffee is a non-starter, largely because Americans are already up to their eyeballs in unscheduled Mexican imports.

Ewwww. You're Gonna Wash Those First, Right?

For Reals: Promethean Times ♥s Seattle

Coffee isn’t just popular in Washington’s King County (Seattle).  The beverage is also enjoyed in nearby Snohomish, Pierce and Thurston Counties.  However, fiercely independent Lewis County’s traditional beverage is a brew consisting of fermented eggs in yak urine. ∞T.

G’Bye, Gbagbo!

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

The Outgoing President Expressed Regret That He Was Unable To Fulfill His Mission To Plunder The Nation's Coffers.

Closure comes today to the months-long standoff in Ivory Coast as forces loyal to UN-backed President Alassane Ouattara arrested former President Laurent Gbagbo, who had been steadfastly refusing to leave office.  The outgoing president is said to be in good spirits following his capture, although suitably embarrassed that his regime is the first in living memory to be successfully toppled by French troops.

With the electoral crisis resolved, this augurs to be a time of healing for the small African nation.  Ivorians are looking forward to a euphoric and all-too-brief honeymoon of high expectations before Ouattara regime transitions to a more traditional leadership role and begins to liquidate the country’s resources while engaging in the slaughter of his enemies.

"This Is A Time To Put Away Anger And Come Together As Ivorians. When The UN Leaves--Only Then Can We Begin The Wholesale Killings."

Ivorian Crisis In Endgame; World Finally Notices

05 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by in Culture, History, Music, Politics

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By Smaktakula

The People Of Ivory Coast Have Thrown Of The Shackles Of Oppression And Embraced Their New Tyrant.

At last it appears that the months-long electoral crisis in Ivory Coast is about to be resolved to the world’s satisfaction.  The international community has long backed challenger Alassane Ouattara over incumbent Laurent Gbagbo, believing that it’s high time the tiny West African nation had a new overlord.

Alassane Ouattara "My Opponent Failed To Realize That The International Community Was Semi-Serious About Regime Change."

Ouattara appears up to the challenge.  During the months-long standoff, the UN-supported candidate’s forces have managed to kill more civilians than the beleaguered Gbagbo, whose powers as an African strongman appear to be fading.

"After So Many Months Of The Ivorian Stalemate, At Last An End Is In Sight, An End Which Reflects The Will Of The Free And Sovereign People Of Ivory Coast, Who Have Used This Freedom To Pick A Strongman Of Their Own Choosing, Who Will Trample Liberties In Accordance With The People's Wishes And Not Act As An Irresponsible Autocrat."

International leaders have noted Gbagbo’s weakness.  Normally-cautious US President Barack Obama felt emboldened enough by the developments to call for Gbagbo’s immediate ouster.  Time is clearly running out for yesterday’s despot, who is said to be confined to his residence, and close to announcing a cease-fire.

The World Signaled Its Commitment To Ending The Crisis By Sending French Forces To Ivory Coast.

Ouattara is said to be eagerly awaiting the changeover.   His supporters promise that the Outtara regime will usher in an era of freedom and democracy that will last as long as the new leader is in power, which is expected to be several decades.

If You Can't Unseat The Tyrant You Hate, Baby, Better Unseat The Tyrant You Can.

TripoliWatch 2011: The Dawn Of Odyssey Dawn

22 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by in History, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

"Sometimes The Free World Must Take A Stand For Liberty, And Bring The Fight To The Evil Ones. In The Past, This Policy Has Been Known As 'The Bush Doctrine.'"

Fans of endless foreign entanglements were buoyed by the news that Jheri-curled sourpuss Muammar al-Gaddafi continues to thwart an increasingly emboldened international community.  The Colonel’s luck–and the world’s legendary patience and willingness to issue a series  of ridiculously ineffective threats–appear to have run out.

It's Completely Unlike America's Arab Allies To Be Inconstant In Their Friendship With The West.

With the initial backing of several Arab states, a coalition of the United States and the usual suspects have begun to turn the lights out in Libya.  America has always prided itself that, no matter the dubious nature or unpopularity of a conflict at home or abroad, the Superpower never attacks without a cool code name.  Enter Operation Odyssey Dawn. “It just sounded neat,” said an unnamed source, “And had a little more pizzazz than ‘Operation Desert Kill.”

Sesame Street's Prairie Dawn. A Lot Like Odyssey Dawn Except Far Less Bloody, And Much More Likely To Be Remembered In A Year's Time.

Still, the United States can expect some difficulties between now and the time in the vague and unknowable future that the poorly defined mission ends.  Chief among these difficulties is the inconsistency of America’s Arab allies, who after initially supporting the pact, quickly pandered to anti-Americanism from their own people and began backpedaling on their support.  The complete evaporation of Arab support was not anticipated for at least several more days.

Oh, No--We're Not Making THAT Mistake Again. This One'll Be Good--You'll See.

Secondly, this is not the first time the United States has turned Libya into a parking lot in the hopes of punishing the rogue state.  In 1986, US President Ronald Reagan authorized Operation El Dorado Canyon, and on April 15, 1986, US airpower devastated Tripoli.  This action almost succeeded in vaporizing the dictator and his family, but warned by an Italian politician, Gaddafi escaped to menace the world with his nefarious schemes on a number of occasions.  Will the belligerent Bedouin slip the righteous noose of Western justice once again?

"Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah! Can't Touch This!"

Even with the world’s willingness to help, all is not well in Africa.  While the international community has been quick to pummel Libya, it has yet to meet its promise to solve the months-long electoral stalemate in Ivory Coast.  Despite expressing profound concern for the day-to-day plight of Ivorians, it’s not clear why the international community has not shown the same interest in the tiny, coffee and cocoa producing nation as it has in the larger, oil-rich Libya.

"Okay, So What If We Promise To Start Drilling Immediately? Will You Send The Marines? A Couple Girl Scouts? Anything?"

Unrepentant Gaddafi Holds Out Until The Last

04 Friday Mar 2011

Posted by in Crime, History, Politics

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By Smaktakula

For The Amount Of Relaxer In This Guy's Hair, He's Not All That Relaxed.

Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi is turning heads around the globe.  Consigned to certain defeat just a week ago, the plucky tyrant is holding out, and in some places regaining ground lost to rebel forces.

The sun-baked despot is thought to be enjoying his return to the spotlight as Public Enemy #1, thumbing his nose at the great powers of the world.  The global community moved swiftly upon word of unrest in Libya, meeting the challenge head on with official condemnation and high-level hand wringing.  There’s even talk of asset freezing.  Clearly, Gaddafi’s days are numbered.

"Although The American People--A Liberty Loving People Born In A Rebellion Themselves--Cherish The Right Of Free Peoples To Decide Their Own Destinies, And Therefore Avoid Meddling In Disputes Far From Our Shores, As Free People, We Also Value Liberty And The Rights Of Individual Men, Which It Seems--Although It May At This Time Be Too Early To Make A Definitive Judgement--That In Libya, Those Liberties Are Not Being Respected. If This Is True--And Again, We Don't Have All The Facts Right Now--Then We Think It Would Be Really Cool Of Col. Gaddafi To Just Cut It Out, Okay?"

When the UN finally steps in to completely settle hostilities, as they have in places such as North Korea or Ivory Coast, Libya will once again be a peaceful oasis of camaraderie and freedom.  It’s a pretty safe bet, however, that until the Colonel goes, there’ll be a lot of bodies in the streets.

"I Will . . . How Do You Say In English? . . . See You In Hell."

Bonus: The Colonel’s Got His Own Theme Song!

Whatever Happened To Ivory Coast?

25 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by in Crime, News

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By Smaktakula

You Are Here. Bad Break, Friend.

In the weeks before the Burning Man Revolution put all other African news on the back-burner, simmering troubles came to a boil in West Africa’s Ivory Coast, where a disputed election threatened to tear apart the nation’s fragile peace.  The trouble began when the country’s incumbent president, Laurent Gbagbo, refused to cede power to his rival, Alassane Ouattara, the internationally recognized winner of the election.

The Ivorian Flag: We're Guessing Not A Lot Of Thought Went Into The Design.

These tumultuous events transpired several weeks ago. It’s probably safe to imagine that the situation in Ivory Coast has been resolved, either by internal agreement or through the use of UN Peacekeepers.  If Gbagbo were still claiming power and the country sliding once again into civil war, not only would global news organizations keep us informed, but celebrities–our national conscience–would be striving mightily to keep Ivory Coast’s troubles on the forefront of the public’s mind.

After all, that’s how we saved Darfur.

These UN Peacekeepers Prevented The Election Crisis In Ivory Coast From Getting Out Of Hand.

Free Tibet! (Or Did That Already Happen?)

06 Thursday Jan 2011

Posted by in Culture, History

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By Smaktakula

Sure, Sure--It's Super Important, But We Have Some Questions First.

It’s a challenge to drive any distance these days without seeing the ubiquitous political bumper sticker, in which complex and deeply-nuanced issues are boiled down to a sloganized reduction so bereft of substance that it makes the average high-schooler’s Tweet seem Faulknerian by comparison.  From SMILE YOU WEREN’T ABORTED’s stealthy smugness to the charmingly pathetic earnestness of KERRY/EDWARDS 2004, political bumper stickers proclaim a myriad of simplistic political philosophies expressed in varying degrees of screechiness.

FREE TIBET saw its heyday as a cause célèbre in the heady days of the Post-Soviet 1990s, when anything seemed possible–even affecting global change through the power of an adhesive decal.  Even so, FREE TIBET still doggedly clamors for attention from the rear bumpers of those who refuse to forget.

Tibetans Such As Man-Who-Watches-Sky Wonder When The Great Spirit Will End Their Oppression.

But do they know what they remember?  After seeing a certain musician (whom we choose not to name, but who recently attempted a laughably anticlimactic run at the presidency of an impoverished, voodoo-loving, non-baseball playing nation in the Caribbean) fail spectacularly to comment coherently on the situation, we began to wonder how much Tibet’s defenders actually know about the tiny, oppressed nation.  So we devised a simple test.

Although Promethean Times lives and dies on Freedom of Expression, we believe also in the responsibility to voluntarily limit that freedom to those spheres of knowledge in which the speaker has at least a rudimentary grasp of the subject.  We do not question the right of any man, woman or child to speak out of his or her ass–Promethean Times is both a proponent of and adherent to the delicately-disciplined ballet that is ass-talking–but to trumpet one’s ignorance publicly from the back of a car is not only a blaring admission of that ignorance, but allows observers to match the stupid to a face.

Tibet Boasts A Host Of Aboriginal Cultures.

Which is why Promethean Times endorses the Political Intelligence Standards Survey, a voluntary program whereby the owners of political bumper stickers would submit to a brief test of their knowledge on the subject about which they wish so stridently to opine.  Those freeway pundits able to pass the test would be able to tell the world not only that OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST!, but also to proudly proclaim that they have at least a half-formed idea of what a socialist is.

For the FREE TIBET crowd we recommend asking “On which continent will you find Tibet?”  In a perfect world the respondent would be able to name the country from which beleaguered Tibet seeks to gain its independence, but after much debate we decided that was probably asking for too much from today’s geographically-disinclined society.

The Yeti (Seen Here) And The Dalai Lama Are Two Of Tibet's More Famous Mythical Creatures.

The upshot is that the situation in Tibet is very serious, and threatens to spill over into neighboring Ivory Coast and Macedonia, with violence potentially spreading widely enough even to affect fake countries like Sri Lanka.  Until the Norwegian government sees fit to bring real freedom to the brave people of this tiny sub-Saharan nation, the Free World should never expect real peace in South America.

Well, We've Done Our Part.

Given that the above is 100% true, we’re not exactly sure why our Irony Sense goes wild at the fact that until recently some FREE TIBET flags were made in China. ∞T.