Hitler’s Belgian Origins Questioned

By Smaktakula

Idi Amin: Belgium's Favorite Son Gained Renown As A First-Rate Asshole.

Most objective observers will readily agree that not only is Promethean Times one of the world’s leading outlets for critical news and hard data, but is also darn near infallible.  As much as we would wish otherwise, these powers of almost deific accuracy do not extend to all of our readers.  For some tragically simple members of our audience, PT can be a confusing, scary place.

Despite Winning The Talent Competition With The Help Of His Living Shadow, Belgium's Mr. Universe Representative Fared Poorly In All Other Aspects Of The Competition.

Recently, a Promethean Times exposé on the rampant iniquities of Belgium, that nefarious nation of nasty ne’er-do-wells, has inadvertently caused some international hurt feelings.  At least two anonymous respondents (this anonymity is unsurprising when it is remembered that most Belgians do not have individual names, but identify one another through a complex cocktail of pheromones) allege that Promethean Times incorrectly implied internationally-despised dick Adolf Hitler had been born in Belgium.  In fact, the heinous dictator hailed from Austria.  It was never our intention to imply that history’s most reviled personage was of Belgian birth, and while we believe that our message was clear and straightforward, we nonetheless understand the powerful feelings evoked by this misinterpretation.

Belgian President Schml Jurgenvrk Wasted No Time In Issuing A Firm Response To Promethean Times, But It Was In Whatever Language Those People Speak--Jörg! Jörg! Jörg!--So We Just Tuned Him Out. It Was Probably Just More BS About This Year's Beet Crop. Seriously, We Don't Want To Hear One More Word About The Fucking Beet Weevil.

However, Promethean Times stands by its decision to include among Belgium’s notable figures the man who once deemed the low-lying country “my spiritual home,” calling it “full of gentle folk who share my unique appreciation for living space and abiding love for 99% of God’s creatures.”  Belgians wholeheartedly requited this affection, clasping the genocidal madman to their collective breast.  In 1947 Belgium demonstrated this ardor by changing the name of the nation’s capital from Wäfflesburg to Hitlertown.

Belgium: It's Around Here Somewhere.

Despite our slavish devotion to journalistic integrity and meticulous research, it is possible–however unlikely–that we will from time to time commit factual errors.  We trust that our careful readers will bring any such errors to our attention.  ∞T.
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17 Responses to Hitler’s Belgian Origins Questioned

  1. Anonymous says:

    belgian president? we have a kign, his name is albert 2nd. lies, all lies here. he was from austria. now go fuck yourself. by the way, why is there a picture of a hobo with 1 tooth?

    • Also anonymous, but somebody totally different says:

      Your lies are lies! Our good King Albert II is not from Austria!

  2. Adam Shanks says:

    because a hobo with no teeth cant be king in Belgium?

  3. Why not an evil Queen? Oh, that’s right, Michael Jackson is dead.

  4. Alex Autin says:

    As funny as this is, and it IS funny….Anonymous and Also Anonymous is much funnier.

  5. Smaktakula says:

    Reblogged this on Promethean Times and commented:

    And then there’s this…

  6. crubin says:

    Smaktakula’s ability to unite nations remains unparalleled.

  7. This would help explain why German troops during WWII used so many Belgian shepherds as war dogs rather than German shepherds…

  8. El Guapo says:

    One tooth to rule them all!
    We can even count on Promethean Times’ journalistic integrity to bring us the sad tooth.
    Beat your gums into plowshares!

    k, I’m all out.

  9. Anonymous says:

    I hope these articles are jokes because all of the things in these articles are false. We do not speak jorg, we have three languages: french, dutch and german.

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