11 Wednesday Sep 2013
Posted in History
Tags
2001, 9/11, Antwerp, Belgians are evil!, Belgium, don't hate us because we're ignorant, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, September 11th, Twin Towers
Hussein Waves To His Adoring Fans From The Porch Of His Boyhood Home In Antwerp.
On which nefarious Belgian nastyman Saddam Hussein kicks America in the nuts by singlehandedly bringing down the Twin Towers.
No Way. Not Us.
04 Monday Feb 2013
Tags
Alabama, Axe Body Spray, Baseball, Belgium, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, California, Chicago White Sox, Colorado, Condoleezza Rice, Costa Mesa, don't hate us because we're ignorant, fun with stereotypes, Greece, headlines, Helen Keller, homeless people, homosexuality, hunger, Israel, Joe Biden, Koreans, man-boy love, Muhammad, New York Times, obesity, Orange County, pederasts, penis breakage is not funny!, Pennsylvania, racism, Sparks, Twins, Why am I so stupid?, WNBA, Wyoming
And They All Lived Happily Ever After.
Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!
What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.
The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?
Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!
Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.
What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.
Individually, We’re Super-Nice People. It’s Only When We Run In Packs That You Want To Start Keeping An Eye Out.
Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”
Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on ~ No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.
Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals ~ Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.
Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.
Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.
The 10 biggest errors in baseball history ~ Shorts on the White Sox has got to be way up there. That was just gay, and we mean that in the bad way.
Yes, It Was Worse Than That Time They Threw The World Series.
Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!
Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.
It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….
Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy ~ To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.
Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.
Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.
The Fact That You Will Never Have To Suffer Hypertension, Diabetes, Gout Or A Host Of First-World Maladies Should Put An End To Your Sense Of Entitlement And Also Help With Your Obvious Body-Image Issues.
Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.
Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. ~ Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.
Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”
Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes ~ These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’
Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.
Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.
“Don’t Spare The Rod. Am I Right, Fellahs?”
Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.
Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.
Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.
’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”
Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.
Alameda County sheriff seeks drone to fight crime ~ Is there an Alameda County in Kandahar? Otherwise this seems…we don’t know…kinda un-American?
Taliban Insurgents Learned Their Rage Through A Life Of War And Deprivation. Oakland Anarchists Came To It By Way Of The Middle Class.
23 Saturday Jun 2012
Tags
Belgium, bloodsports, Brussels, canicide, death by drowning, howlocaust, ignorance--it's what we do, Inuits, puppy-killing, Senegal, sexual fetishism, South Korea, taking a stand
Is It Right That These Beautiful Creatures Should Be Slaughtered Only For Their Surprisingly Delicious Ear Meat?
Typically, we choose not to take a firm stance on controversial issues, preferring to pepper our words with outrageous half-truths and innuendo, to a large degree obfuscating our actual intent, granting us an exculpatory escape hatch of credible–or at least defensible–deniability should our stance prove unpopular. Promethean Times has been well-served by such non-action since publishing our first newsstand issue in 1927. However, in dark times such as these, when human conscience buckles under the weight of an unbearable evil and the soul cries out for justice, a venerated policy must be weighed against a stark new reality. For this reason, Promethean Times must take a stand–alone if necessary– against the metastasizing global cancer, puppy-killing.
Pupcicles: Drowning Speared Puppies Is A Favorite Inuit Pastime.
Promethean Times emphatically deplores the slaughter of puppies for sport. In many countries, puppy-killing is a tradition dating back hundreds or even thousands of years. Guatemala’s Fiesta de los Muertos Cachorro has long been a target for animal-rights activists, and roundly condemned by the general public for its bloodthirsty ferocity. Likewise, Belgians–renowned for their fanatical hatred of all living things–host the annual Night of Long Whimpering, which attracts puppyphobes from around the globe. In Senegal, where puppies’ claws are thought to cure river blindness, fly-blown puppy carcasses litter the roads where they have been cast, pawless, by poachers. The horrors faced by puppies in South Korea are so well-documented as to require no further description here.
Spending 22 Hours A Day In A Cardboard Box Is Bad, But Far Better Than What Awaits Them At The Brussels Sausage Factory.
Of course, these are only the most egregious examples of this sadistic bloodsport; a thousand smaller evils occur every day in our own towns and cities. Heretofore, puppy-killing has been a taboo subject, and like race or sexual fetishism, not discussed in polite company. However convenient it has been to avoid words like ‘canicide’ and thereby ignore the crisis at the world’s doorstep, the time has come to recognize the wholesale slaughter of innocent puppies for what it is: a burgeoning howlocaust.
What? We Were Talking About Puppies. Put Those Mewling Doorstops At The Bottom Of The Monongahela For All We Care.
21 Thursday Jun 2012
Tags
al Qaeda, Belgium, childish sexual innuendo, crazy Japanese porn, Evil Ones, Lisa Ling, mind the gap, natural selection, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stupid people, warning labels, What does this button do?, Why am I so stupid?
Seriously–How Did We Make It This Far?
Natural selection is the process by which external forces eliminate nature’s weaker elements, leaving a more genetically advantageous stock to breed. This phenomenon is experienced throughout the animal kingdom, not only by simple creatures like sea anemones, butterflies and Romanians, but by Homo sapiens as well.
Lisa Ling: In Another Age She Would Have Been Eaten By Wolves As A Child.
In days of yore, individuals with desirable qualities reaped the rewards of society, and had awesome sex with one another. Likewise, the cretinous ticks lining society’s blighted underbelly, afflicted with undesirable qualities like shortness, endured poor and miserable lives, forced to seek their pleasure with other undesirables, or as was frequently the case, with themselves. Throughout the long march of human history, a steady refinement in the species permitted quantum jumps in our development in the 19th, 20th and now 21st Centuries.
“So Tell Me Again What Happens If I Pour This Scalding Hot Liquid Directly Onto My Crotch.”
Humanity made the world its bitch; no river was so vast that we could not dam it, no peak too great to scale, no creature we could not slaughter. Humanity learned and adapted; yesterday’s pernicious scourge became tomorrow’s quaint historical curiosity–just ask smallpox. In humanity’s golden age, those who might in the past have died at birth grew up to live happy, productive lives, free of many of the day-to-day woes of generations past. The species has reached a stage in its development where it strives for comfort, rather than simply to survive. No longer is our survival dependent upon continuously adapting to an ever-changing world; the world must now adapt to us.
There’s Never Been A Better Time To Break In Your Seal-Shaped Surfboard.
However, it is impossible to pick up one end of a stick without also picking up the other, and likewise, humanity’s circumvention of natural selection brings with it attendant consequences. No longer is it the sole domain of the fit to survive; the unfit may also live. More than that, the unfit may thrive. For every Stephen Hawking, whose marvellous brain and groovy voice are a fair trade for efforts in keeping alive a man God clearly intended to die, there are scores of able-bodied half-wits who would have walked in front of a subway train years ago if not for the numerous and strategically placed signs and bright red lines to discourage such action.
Every Box Of Yummy Mort Aux Rats Breakfast Cereal Comes With A Free Rat Carcass!
Given the rapid dilution of quality throughout the civilized world, the globe’s great nations have become sluggish and saturated with nincompoopery. This phenomenon is evidenced in the United States’ predilection for professional “wrestling,” Japan’s love of bizarre porn, and the mere existence of Belgium. Already the slack-jawed halfwits are out-breeding intellectuals by a ratio of 46:1. Having already taken most public-sector jobs, it is only a matter of time before the cataclysmically stupid saturate all areas of the workforce.
A Warning That Exposure To This “Program” Can Lead To The Onset Of Cretinous Boobery Is Too Little, Too Late.
Make no mistake–this societal devolution delights the Evil Ones. The enemies of all that is righteous and good would like nothing better than to see the West expose its soft flank. Al-Qaeda, for instance, has repeatedly demonstrated a nearly superhuman patience; it will be no great thing for such shadowy organizations to lie in wait until the society is too enfeebled to resist an attack.
Heh. ‘Gap.’ Don’t Tell Us It Doesn’t Make You Think…Okay, Maybe It’s Just Us.
The solution is clear. It is paramount that governments not only do away with these society-enfeebling warning labels, but also that they take specific action to reverse the damage that has already been done. Rather than label electronic devices “Unsafe in Water,” manufacturers would serve the public interest by tagging them as bath toys. Zookeepers could do their part by not harassing visitors who wish to pet the Siberian tiger. Our sad march to Moronville will not be stopped until every box of Comet toilet cleanser proudly proclaims ‘Tastes Great On Salad!”
“Guys, I Cannot Stress This Enough: Super-Glue Is NOT For Eating.”
27 Monday Feb 2012
Posted in Culture
Tags
Asians, Belgium, black people, Canadians, Etruscans, family values, fun with stereotypes, gay people, ignorance--it's what we do, Kentucky, kung-fu, Latinos, Mayans, Mississippi, Poland, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, stereotypes, Sumerians, the French, we're all the same, white man's overbite, white people, white trash, whitey, whitey can't dance
It's A Fact: Straight White Guys Dance Like Assholes.
For as long as there have been different cultures, there have been cruel stereotypes about those cultures. In ancient times the Sumerians were believed to be penny-pinchers, the Mayans considered bad guests who wouldn’t leave, and Etruscans were accused of “dressing too faggy.” Even in modern times, there are some¹ who propound the rumor that Belgian people have belly buttons which are neither innies nor outies, but rather prehensile tentacles which the Belgians use to drain fluid from the organs of the handicapped victims who are their natural prey.
Of course, as any grade-school teacher will tell you, there’s no truth in any stereotype. Stereotypes are just a symptom of fear, a fear which stems from ignorance of other people and cultures. Once a person is exposed to the culture he believes so frightening, he will quickly come to understand that people the world over are exactly the same.²
There are those who say that all stereotypes are injurious, even those of a ‘positive’ nature. Positive or not, these critics contend, stereotypes still serve to distort perceptions and contribute to the widening of various cultural schisms.
You decide.
Asians–Is it really such a handicap to be judged intelligent solely on the basis of your race? It might be unfair to the morons within the culture, but as we know, Asian morons (or ‘the uninterrigent,’ as they’re known in the Far East) are exceedingly rare. Also, it’s not a bad thing if people avoid fucking with you in the off-chance that you’re a kung-fu master.
These Stanford Cardiologists Take A Break From Their Busy Work Schedule.
Gay men–Folks think you’re a good dancer, even when you’re not.
"You Are The Dancing Queen/Young And Sweet/Only Seventeen"
The French–No good stereotypes exist for the French. About the best thing we can say is that if you scrub ’em down real good, you’ll find out they’re actually Swiss.
There's No Call For This. Clearly, We're Letting Our Francophobia Get The Better Of Us.
White people–Even the most destitute piece of poor white trash wandering the back hollows of Mississippi is secretly believed by the other races³to be a member of an illuminati-like conspiracy of world-shaking power brokers. Also, traffic stops rarely end in a beating.
Although This Old Photo Proved An Embarrassment To Senator McWilliams of Kentucky, He Successfully Won Re-Election On A 'No More Immigrants!' Platform.
Latinos–Many positive stereotypes are attributed to persons of Latin descent. “He works like a Mexican” is a compliment, and one has only to see 23 people crammed into a two-bedroom apartment to know that the family is paramount in Latin culture. Also, they make great soccer players.
Illegal? Not In The Carpool Lane.
Canadians–Do you folks really mind being thought of as smarter, cleaner, more polite Americans?
"Why Are You So Dirty, Stupid And Rude, Eh?"
The Polish–Tardsie has been to Poland. He says that everything you’ve heard is true.
How Do You Break A Pole's Finger?
Black dudes–Hell yeeeeaaaaaah.
But It's Not For The Kids To Play With, You Know What We're Sayin'?
17 Friday Feb 2012
Tags
Anna Nicole Smith, Belgium, Bill Clinton, blond guys with dreads look like idiots, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, blond people are stupid, double standards, dreadlocks, Emmanuel Lewis, freedom of speech, Gary Coleman, handicapped people, hypocrisy, Jimmy Carter, Kool-Aid Man, nasty blond dreadlocks, opossums, Osama bin Laden, punch lines, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Why are blondes so stupid?
For The Best And Most Reliable News From The Four Corners Of The Globe, You Know Where To Look.
In which we present a few of our favorite Promethean Times’ features. We hope you’ll enjoy as well. ∞ T.
We Prefer Humor That Is Neither Hurtful Nor Degrading.
Our readers know that humor is near and dear to our hearts. In the following post, we provide the punch lines to our very favorite jokes. Straight lines not included.
Blondes: As Stupid As They Are Slutty.
In which we tackle the pressing social issues of freedom of speech and question the true nature of female beauty. We also discuss why blond people shouldn’t wear their hair in dreadlocks, and why their women are so dumb and slutty.
This Is Nothing A Car Exhaust And A Length Of Hose Won't Cure.
We care deeply about the environment and the creatures who live within it.
Has Anyone Ever Stopped To Ask If Maybe They Had It Coming?
We spend a good deal of time talking about various places around the globe. We think you’ll enjoy our report on those iniquitous Belgians.
Jimmy, Why Do You Hang Out With Him If He's Just Gonna Treat You Like That?
Like the rest of the world, we’re fascinated by powerful people. In these gems, we explore the friendship between two former presidents, and examine the future King of England’s quest for true love.
Small, Black & Formerly Famous. But The Similarities End There.
Tales of two diminutive former child stars: one a cursed, loveless misanthrope, the other a happy little man-whore.
Ding, Dong The Dick Is Dead!
In which we take a hard look at the enemies of freedom.
His Blood Was An Unsweetened Raspberry-Watermelon. Even The Dogs Wouldn't Lap It Up.
It’s not just real people who get the Promethean Times treatment. Here we explore the tragic effect of violence upon the worlds of soft-drink advertising and children’s educational programming.
08 Monday Aug 2011
Tags
1972, anti-Kraut, anti-semitism, Belgium, dead German tourists, Final Solution, Florida, for reals we love the Germans, Germany, Germany's dark history, God, God hates the Germans, Holocaust, Jews, Krauts, Miami, Munich Olympics, the Almighty, United States of America
It's As If Suddenly God's Favor And Goodwill Went Up In A Cloud Of Smoke.
Back in the early 1990s, it seemed like German tourists in America couldn’t catch a break. It’s hard to forget the spate of Miami slayings that had America’s German community on edge, and which prompted this publication to propose as a final solution to the crisis the immediate round-up of German nationals so that they could be sequestered for their own protection, and thereby gain a sort of freedom from their troubles through work. Promethean Times’ calls went unheeded, and eventually the killings died down on their own.
It Can't Have Helped That God Was Watching The 1972 Olympics.
Although a hiatus in the killings was a relief to the governments of both the United States and Germany, the détente apparently proved a provocation for God Almighty. It seems that Jehovah has recently chosen to singlehandedly renew the anti-Kraut campaign, smiting a German tourist with a bolt of lightning.
German Prices May Be Behind The Almighty's Wrath. According To One Witness, God Said Something About Germany Being "Hella Costy."
German advocacy groups were joined by religious leaders in expressing surprise and dismay at God’s decision to escalate hostilities. It remains unclear just what the German people could have done that was so heinous as to earn the righteous and implacable enmity of the Lord of Lords.
…
Really? You think He’s still mad about that?
Look, You Know He Has A Thing For Them.
25 Monday Jul 2011
Tags
Adolf Hitler, Austria, Belgium, don't hate us because we're ignorant, famous Austrians, Idi Amin Dada, outright lies, places that suck, pure evil, Uganda? No that's a myth. He was from Belgium.
Idi Amin: Belgium's Favorite Son Gained Renown As A First-Rate Asshole.
Most objective observers will readily agree that not only is Promethean Times one of the world’s leading outlets for critical news and hard data, but is also darn near infallible. As much as we would wish otherwise, these powers of almost deific accuracy do not extend to all of our readers. For some tragically simple members of our audience, PT can be a confusing, scary place.
Despite Winning The Talent Competition With The Help Of His Living Shadow, Belgium's Mr. Universe Representative Fared Poorly In All Other Aspects Of The Competition.
Recently, a Promethean Times exposé on the rampant iniquities of Belgium, that nefarious nation of nasty ne’er-do-wells, has inadvertently caused some international hurt feelings. At least two anonymous respondents (this anonymity is unsurprising when it is remembered that most Belgians do not have individual names, but identify one another through a complex cocktail of pheromones) allege that Promethean Times incorrectly implied internationally-despised dick Adolf Hitler had been born in Belgium. In fact, the heinous dictator hailed from Austria. It was never our intention to imply that history’s most reviled personage was of Belgian birth, and while we believe that our message was clear and straightforward, we nonetheless understand the powerful feelings evoked by this misinterpretation.
Belgian President Schml Jurgenvrk Wasted No Time In Issuing A Firm Response To Promethean Times, But It Was In Whatever Language Those People Speak--Jörg! Jörg! Jörg!--So We Just Tuned Him Out. It Was Probably Just More BS About This Year's Beet Crop. Seriously, We Don't Want To Hear One More Word About The Fucking Beet Weevil.
However, Promethean Times stands by its decision to include among Belgium’s notable figures the man who once deemed the low-lying country “my spiritual home,” calling it “full of gentle folk who share my unique appreciation for living space and abiding love for 99% of God’s creatures.” Belgians wholeheartedly requited this affection, clasping the genocidal madman to their collective breast. In 1947 Belgium demonstrated this ardor by changing the name of the nation’s capital from Wäfflesburg to Hitlertown.
Belgium: It's Around Here Somewhere.
18 Saturday Jun 2011
Tags
1815, ABBA, Belgium, Corsica, Duke of Wellington, famous short people, Hougomont, June 18, Napoleon Bonaparte, scholars, shut-ins, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Surprise!, surrender-monkeys, talking the talk, that trick never works, the French, this day in history, walking the walk, Waterloo
On which the French and English clash in Belgium, with Napoleon Bonaparte’s forces smashing into British lines at Hougoumont in what he hopes will prove the Duke of Wellington’s own personal Waterloo.
An Interesting Historical Tidbit Known Mostly To Scholars And Other Friendless Shut-Ins: The French Once Walked The Walk.*
07 Monday Mar 2011
Tags
ad hominem, Adolf Hitler, Ann Coulter, Belgium, Charlie Sheen, Chocolate, conqueror tongue, elder abuse, evil, facts, kicking puppies, Low Countries, oh yeah we go ad hominem with a quickness!, outright lies, Smaktakula's ability to hold a grudge
Were you expecting charts and hard numbers? Facts only slow us down; we ride ad hominem here.
The People Of This Quaint And Lovely Low-Lying Land Are Known For Making Delicious Confections Such As Chocolate, As Well As For Their National Passion For Kicking Puppies And The Elderly.
What do you care, anyway? You’re not from Belgium, and probably don’t speak a word of Belgish.
