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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Monthly Archives: August 2011

Get To Know Promethean Times

31 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News

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Arturo the Pool Boy, Cameroon, discrimination, equal opportunity offender, integrity, Jack T. Chick, John Edwards, misanthropy, missing the point, Promethean Times, reacharound, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, short people, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, Tardsie The Backpack, Why am I so stupid?

We're Awfully Fond Of Ourselves. But You Already Knew That.

Some things you should probably know before reading Promethean Times:

*

We take ourselves every bit as seriously as you do.

If it’s not funny, that means you didn’t get it.

Readers who miss the point are invited–encouraged even–to comment anyway.

We do not discriminate against any culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, occupation, age group or gender.  We hold all God’s children in equal contempt.

Tardsie is both Promethean Times’ Editor-In-Chief and a Special Olympics backpack.  It’s probably best you get your head around that now.

Just A Backpack? Just Try To Name One Other Backpack Who's Treated A Formerly Bankable Star To A Reacharound. You Can't Do It.

Our commitment to bettering society is surpassed only by our unflagging hypocrisy.

If you get the joke but don’t find it funny, you’re still not getting it.

Journalistic integrity is such an entrenched facet of Promethean Times’ organizational culture that there’s no reason whatsoever to ever check our facts.  Seriously, don’t.

We mock short people because secretly, we’re afraid we might someday be afflicted with shortness.

Smaktakula maintains one of the largest private collections of Jack T. Chick tracts in the world, including several rare and out-of-print tracts.  He is personally responsible for convincing Chick Publications to re-release the delightful Dark Dungeons.

You're Welcome.

We use swear words to compensate for a meager vocabulary and a dearth of real insight.  Your third-grade teacher was right about that.

Whenever possible, we avoid sweeping generalizations and irresponsible characterizations, which can upset more sensitive groups.  This is particularly true regarding the people of Cameroon, who have no sense of humor whatsoever.

Just understand that ‘which’ and ‘that’ will always be our grammatical  Achilles’ heels.

Copy editor Arturo the Pool Boy is actually 24 years old.  The reason for his youthful appearance is Tardsie’s insistence that Arturo regularly use a depilatory ointment to ensure that his slender body remains at all times “baby-ass smoove.”

If you say, “No, I get it.  You’re employing a deceptive cocktail of verbal flimflammery peppered with vulgarity to lampoon society’s ills without ever once bothering to offer a solution.  That, and it just isn’t all that clever,” then you have no soul.

We’re not trying to offend you, but we don’t care if we do.

We’re cavalierly insincere and glibly deceitful, but only because we love you so very much.

We're A Lot Like This Guy, Only Twice As Pretty.

Respect Mother Earth Or The Space Aliens Will Destroy Us All

30 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Science, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Al Gore, Al Gore is the political Art Garfunkel, Bush Doctrine, Care Bears, cooties, extraterrestrials, for your own good, galactic armada, Homo Sapiens, NASA, outright lies, Planetary Science Division, scientists, sexual harassment, Shawn Domagal-Goldman, unremitting virginity, we know best, WWI

By Smaktakula

He Can Talk For Hours About The Nature Of Our Infinite Universe, But Draws A Blank When You Ask Him To Describe A Naked Woman.

Aliens may be forced to destroy humanity so that the universe might live.  Such a scenario is possible, says Shawn Domagal-Goldman of NASA’s Planetary Science Division, wherein these galactic stewards of the environment may be compelled to launch a pre-emptive strike against Homo sapiens before we can infect an unspoiled cosmos with our filth.  Extraterrestrials, it seems, are fans of the Bush Doctrine.

Space Aliens Aren't Just Green, They're Greener Than Thou.

It’s well-documented that scientists are just plain smarter than regular folks,  and through their explorations of the mysterious cosmos are privy to insights far beyond the ken of mere mortals.  Unfortunately, their heroic efforts to better the fate of grotesque, sweating humanity through persistent nagging often fall upon deaf ears.  As anyone who’s tried to explain the convoluted origins of WWI to a three-year-old knows, it can sometimes be difficult to bring deep concepts to shallow minds.

No, It's A Different Kind Of Alien Entirely. You Can Relax: Home Depot Is Not Under Attack.

For this reason, our intellectual betters are becoming aware that sometimes, when an inconvenient truth is hard to impress upon the rabble, a sparkly lie works just as well.  If, for example, a first-grade teacher wishes to control a boy whose amorous overtures are not welcomed by the young ladies of the class, she’ll get much further invoking the specter of cooties than she will by warning of a sexual harassment lawsuit.

It's True. We Suck So Bad.

Domagal-Goldman has come up with a similar solution for protecting mother earth against the myriad depredations foisted upon it by humanity.  Rather than spend time explaining the mind-numbing minutia of climate theory, the intricacies of which often seem lost on its most vocal adherents, the ingenious scientist has come up with a premise so far-fetched and asinine as to ideally suit modern culture.  Domagal-Goldman argues that, in certain scenarios, space aliens might be so disgusted with our treatment of Mother Earth that to save a threatened universe, they would obliterate us with a quickness.

Apparently, Aliens Will Not Be Fearsome Conquerors As Previously Thought, But Rather Judgemental Little Bitches.

If the bored and lonely scientist is right, then humanity is already on notice.  Even now a great galactic armada may be gathering beyond the stars, the grim array stalwart in their determination to proactively stem the humanity plague before it can spill out across infinite space.  The universe will be better off without us, we’re sure.

"I Called It. Y'All Heard Me Call It, Right?"

What You Don’t Know About Martha Stewart

26 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

...you never go back, Bitch better have my money, good thing, Martha Stewart, Snoop Dogg, unlikely pairings

By Smaktakula

For one thing, she never went back.

This Little Scene Of Domestic Bliss Is Called "Bitch Better Have My Pudding."

Martha’s got her mind on her money and her money on her mind.  That’s a good thing. ∞T.

TripoliWatch 2011: For The Love Of Condi

26 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, News, Politics

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comical despots, Condoleezza Rice, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, sand despot, Secretary of State, stalker's Bible, three-humped camel, TMI, Tripoli, United States of America, unrequited affection, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

All This And A Really Bitchin' Tent. Who Wouldn't Want To Hit It With The Colonel?

For the second time in months, the public has been treated to a TMI-moment courtesy of a sun-addled madman.  First there was the protein-drenched horror of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistani whack-shack, which forced a disgusted audience to envision the leader of the Evil Ones waging his own single-handed jihad upon the one-eyed infidel.  Now, the chaotic events in Libya have elevated the carnal cravings of another evil bastard into public view.  It seems that deranged sand-despot Muammar al-Gaddafi has a crush on a certain American gal.

Gaddafi Unsuccessfully Attempts To Lure Rice Into The Desert To Perform The Ancient Ritual Of The Three-Humped Camel.

Fleeing his compound ahead of blood-crazed rebels, Gaddafi was forced to abandon several objects of deep personal significance.  Among these was a stalker’s Bible in the form of a scrapbook filled with pictures of Stanford professor Condoleezza Rice, whom Gaddafi once called “my darling black African woman.”  The former US Secretary of State, who is very much available, declined to comment.

We're Not Sure Why The Tough, NFL-Loving Former Secretary Of State Is Unmarried At 56. Perhaps She Just Hasn't Met The Right Oil Despot Yet.

Could You Be An Asshole? Dealing With Ingrates

25 Thursday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

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Could you be an asshole?, douchebaggery, gratitude, ingratitude, Jimmy Fallon, Nick Burns, you're welcome

By Smaktakula

If you’ve ever said to someone “You’re welcome” without first being thanked, you’re most likely an asshole.

But We Thought That Simply Not Kicking You In The Nuts Was Thanks Enough.

Gayness Audit Results In Downgrade For SF

24 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

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California, childish sexual innuendo, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fisting, Frisco, fun with stereotypes, gay meccas, gay people, gay rankings, homosexuality, leather daddies, Minneapolis, Oakland, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, St. Louis, the Advocate, they love to hear it called Frisco

By Smaktakula

It's Sometimes Difficult To Take Bad News With Good Grace.

Who’s taken all the gay from the Bay?  The question has haunted the fog-shrouded streets of San Francisco since last January’s gay audit, in which the flamboyant city suffered a humiliating downgrade.

Honey, Please--Don't You Read The Papers? We've Got Real Problems.

In a nationwide survey, gay-themed magazine, the Advocate, tested the gayness quotient of several American cities.  San Francisco, or ‘Frisco’ as locals lovingly call it, came in a disappointing 11th, behind such gay meccas as St. Louis, Pittsburgh and America’s #1 gay city, Minneapolis.

SF's Got Its Panties All Up In A Bunch. That's No Easy Feat With Studded Leather.

This unhappy news struck San Francisco’s hometown homos like an unlubricated fist, leaving many with feelings of betrayed resentment.  Activists are quick to point out that without San Francisco’s brave example in the 1960s and 1970s, gay people might not find the top ten cities quite so hospitable today.   This view fails to take into account that the public has the memory span of a syphilitic goldfish.

It's Not The First Place We'd Look To Find Gay People.

Controversy aside, the study has provided data which shatter preconceived notions about gay life.  The fact that cities like Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Oakland are among the top fifteen cities in the nation that homosexuals call home effectively puts an end to the degrading stereotype that gay people only live in nice places.

Relax. No Matter What Happens To The City, You'll Always Be The World's Gayest Baseball Team.

Tanker Trunks

23 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

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carelessness, conflagration, death by automobile, death by truck, distracted drivers, foolish choices, tanker trucks, unfortunate ways to die

By Smaktakula

A jarringly useless and embarrassing way to die is in a fiery conflagration set in motion when you become mesmerized by your own car’s image in the highly-reflective back of a particularly shiny tanker truck.

When The Tiny Car In This Picture Grows Abruptly Large, It's Past Time To Apply The Brakes.

Sparkly! ∞T.

Seattle: Coffee Poseur

22 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

advertising, Canada, Christianity, coffee, coffee culture, Columbia, culture, Guatemala, It City, Ivory Coast, King County, Lewis County, Mexico, Pierce County, places that suck, poseur, Seattle, Seattle's Best Coffee, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, Snohomish County, Starbucks, T-Town Forever, Thurston County, Uganda, United States of America, urine, Vietnam, Washington, you suck so bad Lewis County so so bad

By Smaktakula

But Not As Much As Seattle ♥s Itself.

No American city is more closely associated with coffee and coffee culture than is snobbish Seattle, Washington.  From the Emerald City’s brief turn as America’s self-obsessed ‘It City’ in the 1990s, certain aspects of the Seattle phenomenon persist into modern times.  Of these, perhaps none is so undeserved as Seattle’s reputation as a coffee Mecca.  The practically-Canadian city is thousands of miles from the nearest coffee crop.

Much Like, Say, Christianity Or South-East Asia, Coffee Has A Distinctive, Important Culture.

This delusion manifests itself in the cancer-like proliferation of Starbucks, and in the tellingly-named Seattle’s Best Coffee.  The city has seized upon an advertising vacuum created by the marketing unsuitability of actual coffee-producing countries.  After all, most Americans aren’t aware that Uganda, Ivory Coast or Guatemala even exit.  Vietnam is out, having achieved the rare distinction of beating the US in a war.  Likewise, the slogan “Columbia’s Best,” would undoubtedly infringe upon trademarks already owned jointly by various cocaine cartels.  And of course, advertising Mexican-grown coffee is a non-starter, largely because Americans are already up to their eyeballs in unscheduled Mexican imports.

Ewwww. You're Gonna Wash Those First, Right?

For Reals: Promethean Times ♥s Seattle

Coffee isn’t just popular in Washington’s King County (Seattle).  The beverage is also enjoyed in nearby Snohomish, Pierce and Thurston Counties.  However, fiercely independent Lewis County’s traditional beverage is a brew consisting of fermented eggs in yak urine. ∞T.

Burt Reynolds Prepares For Recurring Role As Filthy Homeless Person

19 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

70's era machismo, bad toupee, Bennigan's, Bill Clinton, Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, Florida, gold digger, hard times, has-beens, Liza Minelli, machismo, Me Generation, moochers, mortgage, mustache rides, the reek of the homeless, tiresome anachronism, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

Or Just Give Him A Place To Crash Until He Gets Things Together. You Know, Whatever.

Mustachioed 70s fixture Burt Reynolds claims to be surprised to find that his Florida mansion is in foreclosure,  despite not having made a mortgage payment since September of last year.  Times are lean for the toupee-abusing former icon of Me-Generation machismo, whose last tolerable film came during the Clinton years.

Burt Stands To Lose Everything.

There is concern for the actor’s future among those who are closest to Reynolds, such as Kate the Bennigan’s bartender or the kid who deliver’s the former personality’s newspaper.  The fear is that the soon-to-be homeless Reynolds will before long be huddling desperately for warmth beneath an overpass, now that Dom DeLuise‘s couch is unavailable.

"We Have Some Great Times Together, Don't We? I've Got A Crazy Idea, Babe, And I Think We Should Just Go For It. What Do You Think About Maybe Living Together For A Little While?"

Mustache Rides Now $1.50.

Depardieu’s ‘Euro-Nation’ Stunt Deemed Derivative And Unoriginal

18 Thursday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

actors, Americans, childish sexual innuendo, choking the chicken, cock, creepy old perverts, douchebaggery, Emil Haagerdäddi, Frenchman, Gèrard Depardieu, golden showers, has-beens, Paris, Paris is a sewer, places that suck, public urination, Robert "Sandy" Vietze, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French, United States of America, urination, World's Rudest People, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Smooth Move, Ex-Lax. Your Mère Must Be Very Proud.

Bloated French nonentity Gèrard Depardieu attempted to make a splash Tuesday morning in what appears to be a copycat urination attack.  The sweaty Euro-pérvert, inexplicably famous for something somewhere, apparently mistook an airplane aisle for a Paris sidewalk, and began to urinate indiscriminately.

Depardieu, Who Often Displays His Cock In Public, Is Seen Here Choking His Chicken.

Depardieu’s boorish behavior marks the second airplane-related act of urination in the past several days.  It has been speculated that the blobbish thespian, who has repeatedly expressed fears that the French are ceding their status as World’s Rudest People to America, was trying to one-up US pissing sensation Robert “Sandy” Vietze.

When You Look At Depardieu's Previous indiscretions, This One Seems Tiny And Insignificant.

If so, this was a mistake says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, director of the Harvard Urine Fellowship.  “As with so many things,” Haagerdäddi says, “America did it first and did it better,” explaining that the portly Frenchman couldn’t hope to execute a difficult public urination with the same grace as Vietze, who is both much younger and a trained athlete.

We Hope That In The Future, Depardieu Will Avail Himself Of A More Proper Toilet.

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