Tag Archives: pure evil

Hitler’s Belgian Origins Questioned

25 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by in Culture, History, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Idi Amin: Belgium's Favorite Son Gained Renown As A First-Rate Asshole.

Most objective observers will readily agree that not only is Promethean Times one of the world’s leading outlets for critical news and hard data, but is also darn near infallible.  As much as we would wish otherwise, these powers of almost deific accuracy do not extend to all of our readers.  For some tragically simple members of our audience, PT can be a confusing, scary place.

Despite Winning The Talent Competition With The Help Of His Living Shadow, Belgium's Mr. Universe Representative Fared Poorly In All Other Aspects Of The Competition.

Recently, a Promethean Times exposé on the rampant iniquities of Belgium, that nefarious nation of nasty ne’er-do-wells, has inadvertently caused some international hurt feelings.  At least two anonymous respondents (this anonymity is unsurprising when it is remembered that most Belgians do not have individual names, but identify one another through a complex cocktail of pheromones) allege that Promethean Times incorrectly implied internationally-despised dick Adolf Hitler had been born in Belgium.  In fact, the heinous dictator hailed from Austria.  It was never our intention to imply that history’s most reviled personage was of Belgian birth, and while we believe that our message was clear and straightforward, we nonetheless understand the powerful feelings evoked by this misinterpretation.

Belgian President Schml Jurgenvrk Wasted No Time In Issuing A Firm Response To Promethean Times, But It Was In Whatever Language Those People Speak--Jörg! Jörg! Jörg!--So We Just Tuned Him Out. It Was Probably Just More BS About This Year's Beet Crop. Seriously, We Don't Want To Hear One More Word About The Fucking Beet Weevil.

However, Promethean Times stands by its decision to include among Belgium’s notable figures the man who once deemed the low-lying country “my spiritual home,” calling it “full of gentle folk who share my unique appreciation for living space and abiding love for 99% of God’s creatures.”  Belgians wholeheartedly requited this affection, clasping the genocidal madman to their collective breast.  In 1947 Belgium demonstrated this ardor by changing the name of the nation’s capital from Wäfflesburg to Hitlertown.

Belgium: It's Around Here Somewhere.

Despite our slavish devotion to journalistic integrity and meticulous research, it is possible–however unlikely–that we will from time to time commit factual errors.  We trust that our careful readers will bring any such errors to our attention.  ∞T.

Get To Know Frank McCourt

31 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by in Crime, News, Sport

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By Smaktakula

"I Totally Bleed Dodger Blue. It IS Blue, Right? Their Color, I Mean."

To the myriad awful things you already knew about loathsome Dodgers owner Frank McCourt–the greed, the douchiness, the being short– let us add one more:

Frank McCourt eats babies.

The Monster Boasts In Print: Frank's First Victim Was A Young Girl Named Angela O'Roarke.

Mongolian Nazis? We Get It. Wait . . . No, We Don’t.

11 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, Culture, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, Race, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

For fans of historical reenaction and other loveless shut-ins who spend their days pondering what would happen if Adolf Hitler and Genghis Khan united in an anachronistic super-villain team up, this is as close as you’re likely to get.            

Give Them Points For Effort At Least: “Führer” Is Hard Enough To Pronounce With An American Accent.

The other villagers are said to be searching desperately for a way to gently shepherd these confused young men into accepting some uncomfortable, yet indelible, truths.       

Shannon Price Is A Cooze

18 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by in Crime, Hollywood, Justice, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal, Television

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Nothing ad hominem about it . . .          

To Add Insult To Injury: I Wouldn't Put Out

. . . Ms. Price let her husband die.  As such, our vulgarity is germane to the discussion.       

Even if this unrepentant black widow never sees a courtroom for her deeds, she’s doomed to live out the rest of her days, saddled with the guilt of killing the goose that lays the golden eggs.*       

*By ‘goose that lays the golden eggs’ we mean ‘small black actor who, insofar as we are able to determine did not actually lay golden eggs,’ but was a human being with all humanity’s accordant dignity, and deserved neither his sad death nor the snide comments Promethean Times has been making since then, up to and including this sentence. 
Alas, we’re inveterate hypocrites.

NIGERIAFINGER: In His Infernal Majesty’s Secret Service

17 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ 3 Comments

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By Smaktakula
Editor’s Note: Readers wishing to familiarize themselves with Nigeria’s turbulent politics may wish to peruse Promethean Times’ exhaustive analysis of the situation.

Shadowy Nigerian Vice President Goodluck Jonathan has assumed power following the mysterious death of President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua.  It is widely believed that Jonathan has been defacto ruler of Nigeria since word first began to spread of the ailing president’s illness.

Flanked By Soldiers, Goodluck Jonathan Is Briefed By An Operative Known Only As "The Hyena"

In a nation like Nigeria, rumors abound.  Among the more prevalent of these claims is that Jonathan exercises power with the help of a mysterious organization which he allegedly leads: Goodluck’s Organization for Brotherhood and Leadership In Nigeria (GOBLIN).

GOBLIN came to the world’s attention several years ago after threatening to detonate a stolen nuclear bomb in an undisclosed Western capital if the United Nations failed to meet its demands.  The UN capitulated, wiring the requested $12,850.00 to an undisclosed offshore account.  Since that incident, dubbed Clusterbomb by the press, the group has maintained a relatively low profile until now.

GOBLIN’s activities are said by critics to originate from Nigeria, where they claim the organization is fomenting unrest between Christians and Muslims for its own sinister purposes.  Nigeria’s state department calls these claims “Hogwash.”

Several rumors regarding Yar’Adua’s death are also said to be false.  According to Nigeria’s official coroner, Dr. Malcom Happytimes:

“There is no truth to the rumor that Yar’Adua died after being slowly lowered by a rope into a tank full of ravenous sharks.

Likewise, the story that the former president was found encased entirely in gold is also fiction; no doubt the fabrication of an unscrupulous press.

It is my hope that soon people will let go of these fantastic tales and accept that the poor man died of natural causes.  He was fifty-eight years old, after all–no young warrior.”

The Jonathan Cadre has so far made careful use of its power.  A source close to the president alleges that Jonathan is uncomfortable in his leadership role.  The anonymous source claims that although the despot enjoys the title of President and its incumbent privileges, Jonathan would prefer returning to the life he knows best: the brutal lackey of a Machiavellian master bent on world domination.

Although several candidates are rumored to be in the running for the position of Jonathan’s dark master, three show particular promise.  All three seem to personify the candidate described in the posting: a ruthlessly autocratic, horribly disfigured creature of pure evil.

Blofeld: The New York Yankees Of Cartoonish Supervillains

Schmidt: An Iconic Maestro Of Diabolic Villainry

Pelosi: As Deadly As She Is Beautiful