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By Smaktakula

Most Observers Are Amazed That Quaid Somehow Managed To Maintain A Three-Decade Career Before The Inevitable Implosion.

Is there a secret cabal of assassins intent on taking down Hollywood one actor at a time?  Cretinous bumbler Randy Quaid and his wife Evi think so.  Fearing such a shadow force, the Quaids appeared before Canada’s Immigration and Refugee Board seeking asylum.

Much Like The Lovable Inbred Who Made Him Famous, Quaid Is Said To Be A Tiresome Houseguest.

Quaid, best known for playing  half-wits and morons in films like National Lampoon’s Vacation and Kingpin, is said to be afraid for his life.  Quaid claims that eight of his friends, including actors Heath Ledger and David Carradine, have died in the past few years at the hands of a mysterious organization known only as ‘Star Whackers.’  While Carradine’s sad demise from autoerotic asphyxiation in Thailand does indicate a propensity for whacking, Heath Ledger is believed to have died from an overdose of prescription pills.

Carradine: An Altogether Different Kind Of Star Whacker.

Despite the official findings and conventional wisdom, Quaid maintains that these deaths are not suicides or tragic accident.   In a handwritten note shown to the press by the Quaids’ attorney, the formerly-bankable star wrote:

Yes we are requesting asylum from Hollywood ‘STAR WHACKERS.’
American authorities believe that the star whackers are an invention to distract focus from the Quaids’  legal woes.  A Santa Barbara court has issued a warrant for the couple’s arrest, after the Randy and Evi failed to appear at a hearing stemming from property damage the pair is accused of causing.

Quaid Calls His Upcoming Star Wars Role 'The Part I Was Born To Play': Jar-Jar Kenobi, Obi Wan's Slower, Fatter And Far Less Talented Older Brother.

The Quaids are no strangers to scandal.  Randy managed to get himself banned for life from the Actors’ Equity Union and fined $81,000 for his treatment of castmates in a Seattle production of Lone Star Love.   Although she was not involved with the production, Evi Quaid’s threatening behavior toward the cast earned her a restraining order.

It remains to be seen whether Canadian authorities will seriously entertain the Quaids’ request for asylum.  The choice cannot be an easy one.  Canada must balance her proud tradition of sheltering the politically  oppressed with the knowledge that if the Quaids are allowed refuge in the country, the formerly pristine nation will be one step closer to becoming the USA.

Randy Quaid Has Four Inches Of Height Over Younger Brother Dennis, But That's About It.