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Tag Archives: Seattle

Headlines: Why Not Miss Saigon?

07 Tuesday May 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula
Words to Live By

Much Like A Tramp-Stamp Which Reads “WHORE,” This Is A Great Example Of Truth In Advertising.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Iraq religious leaders send out the ‘fashion police’ to stop people … ~ So they really have those? We thought that was just something that people said.

In Vt., long-dead mental patients inspire crusade ~ A crusade to put those undead abominations back in their graves where they belong.

The road ahead for amputees ~ Needs to be very level. Seriously–more ramps, fewer steps.

Powerball at $500 million: What to do if you win ~ Don’t tell your loser relatives, that’s for damn sure.

Cynthia Cooper-Dyke expects big things for USC women’s basketball ~ Hey! Just because she’s a female head basketball coach doesn’t mean we should rush to judgement. Until we know more, let’s give Cynthia Cooper the benefit of the doubt.

10 purr-fect vacations for cat lovers ~ So you’ll be travelling alone then?

All That Pussy And No One To Share It With.

Angelina Jolie Ruins Jennifer Aniston’s Happiness. Once Again ~ Awesome!

Harry Styles Shows Off Bonus Nipples ~ His mother was a Shi Tzu.

Man with bionic leg to climb Chicago skyscraper ~ He should just leap over it. Get it? ‘Cause he has a bionic leg! Okay, we probably should have saved that one for ‘the duds.’

Hitchhiker saves the day with hatchet ~ Which is why we make it a point ONLY to pick up hitchhikers who openly display their hatchets.

10 Surprising Ways to Avoid Nursing Home Care ~ Number one is to croak in a timely fashion.

An All-Asian Version of ‘Hello, Dolly!’ ~ Oh come on! You pick a play whose title JUST HAPPENS TO BE the two English words which sound funniest when spoken with an Asian accent, and you expect us to believe that’s just a coincidence?

“HERRO DORRY!”

Dear Melissa King, I wish you the best ~ Have you noticed that when people say that they almost never seem to mean it?

Who Actually Earns $400,000 Per Year? ~ Obviously not you, loser.

Muslim Man In France Seeks To Open Mosque For Gays ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!

Eight Bad Brushing Habits That Harm Your Teeth ~ #4 All brushes are not the same. Please put that back in the caddy next to the crapper.

5 Little-Talked-About Risks of One-Night Stands ~ Marriage. You can’t forget marriage.

The Chosen Few: A New Explanation of Jewish Success ~ The Almighty plays favorites. What are you gonna do?

It’s Been An Open Secret For Years.

FBI shares last thoughts of a murder addict ~ KILL! KILL! KILL FOR THE LOVE OF KILLING!

10 Tips for Keeping a House Clean Despite ADHD ~ You mean keeping MOM’s house clean. You don’t own your own home, spazwit.

4 female war veterans sue US military over policy against women in combat~ “We long for a day in which perhaps not all of us would be alive to sue you.”

Wussification of our young men is finally complete ~ That you were afraid to write ‘pussification’ validates your thesis.

16 Songs Everyone Over 50 Must Own ~ Chopin’s Funeral March is an obvious choice.

Pope tweets about his favorite Christmas tradition ~ Snorting big rails of coke off a hooker’s ass.

SEE? Only MOST Of What We Have To Say Is Pure Bullshit.

Damascus shelled hours before scheduled truce ~ Yeah, surprisingly, experts contend that most of the bloodshed during a war occurs BEFORE a truce. It often drops off precipitously afterward.

Children in sect had never seen sunlight ~ ‘Sect’ is a Seattle neighborhood.

Novartis loses Indian patent fight ~ Will try to patent Pakistanis instead.

Tony Award goes to ‘Clybourne Park’ ~ What’s a ‘Tony?’ Never mind–we don’t care.

UN report proposes moratorium on killer robots ~ Well, that’s what we’ve come to expect from the United Nations. Decisive actions on the issues that matter.

Youth smoking ants to get high ~ Oh, for God’s sake–will you just legalize weed already?

But If You Must Smoke ‘Em, It’s Healthiest To Use A Vaporizer.

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Headlines: The Snake That Grows When You Stroke It

20 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 27 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Obama’s Regular Polling Of Swing-State Female Voters Indicates Their Growing Excitement About His Stimulus Measure.

In which our interests lie in the headlines, but not the stories themselves.

***

After 400 Pound Weight Loss, Man Gains the Weight Back ~ But you know what?–He’s a bigger man for it.

Rage Against the Machine Rages Against Paul Ryan ~ Understandable, as taking offense is the band’s Raison d’ être. Raging, man–IT’S JUST WHAT THEY GOTTA DO!!!

Persistence Is Key to Treating Sexual Pain ~ After she’s heard ‘Who’s ready to do the nasty?’ a couple thousand times, she’ll loosen up.

Woman who rescued animals killed by dog ~ Check your local TV listings for the Lifetime Network adaptation of this heartbreaking story, A Dog Called Irony.

Off-Duty Cop Crashes Motorcycle Into Little Girl Then Kills Her Enraged Dad ~ When Officer Onslaught’s actually ON the job, his body count must be through the fucking roof!

“Do You Think They Paint Crosswalks On The Street Just So You Can Cross Wherever You Fucking Feel Like?”

Attacks May Cost Great White Sharks Protected Status ~ If they’re so concerned about that, they might have paused for reflection before gobbling up all those Aussies.

Assange berates United States from Ecuador Embassy balcony ~ Also known as the ‘Pussy Perch.’

Preacher Says He Cures The Sick By Punching And Kicking Them ~ It could work, actually. That’s how Dad finally cured Smaktakula’s bed-wetting.

A Novel Asks Seattle to Laugh at Itself ~ That’s expecting a lot. You’d have better luck trying to convince Las Vegas to show some respect for itself.

Peter Jackson: ‘I’ve Never Actually Read A Comic In My Life’ ~ And lo, a million virginal voices cried out as one.

“From Hell’s Heart, I Stab At Thee!”

When My Crazy Father Actually Lost His Mind ~ That sounds like a tough one to really pin down.

A Guide to Russian Band Pussy Riot’s Oeuvre ~ If you’re unfamiliar with the word ‘oeuvre’, you might be thinking it’s dirty. Sadly, no.

US beats Mexico in Mexico for 1st time ~ It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. There just hasn’t been too much of a need for the US to go to Mexico, what with most of Mexico being here all the time.

An Ex-Wrestling Executive Wins a GOP Primary ~ Yeah, but you know that shit’s all fake, right?

Where Do Sentences Come From? ~ What the hell? Listen, we’re gonna have to insist that you shut that spastic yapper of yours. Yeah, you’re no longer allowed to ask questions.

15 of the Cutest & Shortest Celebrity Men ~ Or 15 celebrity men whose work we no longer take quite as seriously as we once did.

Aside From Portraying Elves At Christmastime, About The Only Use For The Short Is Making Normals Look Really Tall. And Handsome.

The ‘Penis Snake’ Looks Exactly As You’d Think ~ Quite a bit smaller than advertised.

Accused Child Foot Licker Blames President Obama ~ Obama surrogates were quick to counter that Obama had merely inherited the foot-licking situation from President Bush, and furthermore, that ‘foot-licking’ was coded racism.

Pig legs left at proposed mosque; federal probe sought ~ Yeah, somebody’s being a dick, but do we really have to make a federal case out of it? Oh, right–silly fucking us.

Can the WNBA Benefit from Olympic Gold? ~ Hey, anything’s possible, right? First, though–what’s a WNBA?

Quadruple amputee prepares to swim Bering Strait ~ Meanwhile,  his family stoically prepares for a burial at sea.

“Dave, It’s RIGHT THERE! Just Grab The Ring, Man! Dave! Dave!…Damn! Can He Not Hear Me Or Something?”

Comeback of photo booths exposes yearning for what’s real ~ Because nothing’s more real than a glossy, full-color facsimile.

A Complete Guide to ‘Hipster Racism’ ~ “Yeah, right now I like to hate on Andorrks. Andorra is a very small principality in Europe. You probably haven’t heard of it.”

Hassles of Air Travel Push Passengers to Amtrak ~ That Amtrak is pot-friendly doesn’t hurt, either.

Female governors and Rice speakers for GOP ~Aaargh! See? It’s THIS kind of thing that gets people so pissed at the Republicans.  Honestly, would it kill them to say “Female governors and Chinese-Americans?”

9 New No-Nos for Your Parts Down Below ~ Man…NEW ones? Organized religion, political correctness and the era of AIDS have pretty thoroughly circumscribed our options already.

Actually, This One Probably Should Remain A No-No.

Headlines 04.03.12

03 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 16 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Is THAT What He’s Doing? Guess We’ll Stop Waving Back.

In which we get all the information we need from the headlines of the day:

***

Anti-Putin protesters form a 10-mile human chain around Moscow  ~ Anti-Putin protesters made into bizarre human chain in dungeons beneath Moscow.

Poor reading could be fatal ~ Oh, come off it. We’re as pro-literacy as the next satirical internet blog, but that’s just ridiculous. With the possible–and hilarious–exception of “Warning Sign Disasters,” this simply isn’t true.

Why Thursday’s sunset will be special for Seattle ~ No more sun ’till 2013.

Marine makes last stand in foreclosed home ~ We have to say it: a marine making a last stand in his foreclosed home smacks of weird craziness. Pity–if he’d only been making a last stand on some Godforsaken piece of earth that nobody could possibly want–then it would be noble.

Iwo Jima, The Translation Of Which Means “Sulfur Island,” Is Currently Uninhabited.

Rick Santorum winning more support from Republican women ~ There’s proof of gender equality for you, folks. Women are every bit as stupid as men.

IS BRAZIL DESTROYING THE AMAZON FOR ENERGY? ~ Well, that would be a good reason, anyway,–better than ‘Just ’cause they felt like it.”

Whatever Happened to First Class? ~ It’s still there–just not for you, peasant.

What You Lose When You Sign That Donor Card ~ YOUR PRECIOUS ORGANS!

Jennifer Love Hewitt loves her boobs ~ In this, we are united in our affection.

What We Like Best About Them Is Their Pleasing Shape And Size.

Prostitutes found in Mexico jail ~ Imagine that.  If you wanted to surprise us, you’d have said ‘soap.’

What’s Wrong With Being Single? ~ Only a loveless grotesquery would pose such a question.

Dad: Drug classes should be mandatory ~ We agree. The younger generation simply does not know how to do drugs properly.

Another child left at Chuck E. Cheese’s ~ You say it like it’s a bad thing, like dad abandoned his kid in the deep, dark, wolf-ridden woods. But at Chuck E. Cheese’s, the kid’s got a fighting chance. He can live in the moist darkness beneath the ball-pits like some pizza-house Gollum until he latches on with a new family.

Violence claims 4th soccer fan ~ We’re pretty sure they’re underreporting the death-toll from this heinous ‘sport.’

Wait! It Just Got Interesting.

Peter, Paul & Mary bassist dies ~ If you’re not Peter, Paul or Mary, in death you shall be remembered only for the instrument you played.

Is 14 too young for life in prison? ~ Fuck yes it is. What kind of idiot even has to ask?

The pain of being disinherited ~ You don’t get any money when Mom & Dad die!

How to handle an elderly loved one that won’t bathe ~ It involves the Jaws of Life and a high-pressure hose.

Few Things Are As Taxing As Caring For A Dirty Old Man.

Most food illness imported ~ Sad. Truly sad. We never thought there’d be a day America would have to import botulism.

Guess what almost killed ‘the Tiger Man of Africa’ ~ Was it a lion? A hippo, then! Damn, these things are hard.

Study: 33 is the best age ~ Not if you’re Jesus of Nazareth. No, 32 was a much better year.

Executed killer shouts ‘Go Cowboys!’ ~ And all the witnesses shouted “THE DEAD LIVE!” Or did you mean “Soon-To-Be-Executed?” That’s probably what you meant.

Does car tell your politics? ~ No, the feeble-minded bumper sticker on the back does that.

“No, It’s Great. By Adopting An Inflexible Attitude In Lieu Of Knowing The Issues, I Save Time By Not Having To Think About The Tough Stuff.”

More Current Events Irresponsibility:

Seattle: Coffee Poseur

22 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

But Not As Much As Seattle ♥s Itself.

No American city is more closely associated with coffee and coffee culture than is snobbish Seattle, Washington.  From the Emerald City’s brief turn as America’s self-obsessed ‘It City’ in the 1990s, certain aspects of the Seattle phenomenon persist into modern times.  Of these, perhaps none is so undeserved as Seattle’s reputation as a coffee Mecca.  The practically-Canadian city is thousands of miles from the nearest coffee crop.

Much Like, Say, Christianity Or South-East Asia, Coffee Has A Distinctive, Important Culture.

This delusion manifests itself in the cancer-like proliferation of Starbucks, and in the tellingly-named Seattle’s Best Coffee.  The city has seized upon an advertising vacuum created by the marketing unsuitability of actual coffee-producing countries.  After all, most Americans aren’t aware that Uganda, Ivory Coast or Guatemala even exit.  Vietnam is out, having achieved the rare distinction of beating the US in a war.  Likewise, the slogan “Columbia’s Best,” would undoubtedly infringe upon trademarks already owned jointly by various cocaine cartels.  And of course, advertising Mexican-grown coffee is a non-starter, largely because Americans are already up to their eyeballs in unscheduled Mexican imports.

Ewwww. You're Gonna Wash Those First, Right?

For Reals: Promethean Times ♥s Seattle

Coffee isn’t just popular in Washington’s King County (Seattle).  The beverage is also enjoyed in nearby Snohomish, Pierce and Thurston Counties.  However, fiercely independent Lewis County’s traditional beverage is a brew consisting of fermented eggs in yak urine. ∞T.

Lewis County, Washington

23 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture

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By Smaktakula

You Are Here, No Matter How Much You Might Wish Otherwise.

You likely haven’t heard of Lewis County, Washington.  Named for famed explorer and suicide Meriwether Lewis, this quaint, cultural backwater is further from Seattle, Tacoma, Portland or Spokane than mere geography would indicate.

In appreciation of this idyllic patch of greenery, we offer the following haiku, which we call Lewis County: If I Never See You Again It Will Be Too Fucking Soon:

You cousin fuckers,

Inbred eaters of cow flop,

I hate you so much.

Enjoy Sexual Congress With Barnyard Animals? We Have A Place For You, My Friend.

Don’t feel bad for Lewis County.  Lewis County knows what it did. ∞T.

Star Whackers Target Hollywood D-Listers

26 Tuesday Oct 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Most Observers Are Amazed That Quaid Somehow Managed To Maintain A Three-Decade Career Before The Inevitable Implosion.

Is there a secret cabal of assassins intent on taking down Hollywood one actor at a time?  Cretinous bumbler Randy Quaid and his wife Evi think so.  Fearing such a shadow force, the Quaids appeared before Canada’s Immigration and Refugee Board seeking asylum.

Much Like The Lovable Inbred Who Made Him Famous, Quaid Is Said To Be A Tiresome Houseguest.

Quaid, best known for playing  half-wits and morons in films like National Lampoon’s Vacation and Kingpin, is said to be afraid for his life.  Quaid claims that eight of his friends, including actors Heath Ledger and David Carradine, have died in the past few years at the hands of a mysterious organization known only as ‘Star Whackers.’  While Carradine’s sad demise from autoerotic asphyxiation in Thailand does indicate a propensity for whacking, Heath Ledger is believed to have died from an overdose of prescription pills.

Carradine: An Altogether Different Kind Of Star Whacker.

Despite the official findings and conventional wisdom, Quaid maintains that these deaths are not suicides or tragic accident.   In a handwritten note shown to the press by the Quaids’ attorney, the formerly-bankable star wrote:

Yes we are requesting asylum from Hollywood ‘STAR WHACKERS.’
American authorities believe that the star whackers are an invention to distract focus from the Quaids’  legal woes.  A Santa Barbara court has issued a warrant for the couple’s arrest, after the Randy and Evi failed to appear at a hearing stemming from property damage the pair is accused of causing.

Quaid Calls His Upcoming Star Wars Role 'The Part I Was Born To Play': Jar-Jar Kenobi, Obi Wan's Slower, Fatter And Far Less Talented Older Brother.

The Quaids are no strangers to scandal.  Randy managed to get himself banned for life from the Actors’ Equity Union and fined $81,000 for his treatment of castmates in a Seattle production of Lone Star Love.   Although she was not involved with the production, Evi Quaid’s threatening behavior toward the cast earned her a restraining order.

It remains to be seen whether Canadian authorities will seriously entertain the Quaids’ request for asylum.  The choice cannot be an easy one.  Canada must balance her proud tradition of sheltering the politically  oppressed with the knowledge that if the Quaids are allowed refuge in the country, the formerly pristine nation will be one step closer to becoming the USA.

Randy Quaid Has Four Inches Of Height Over Younger Brother Dennis, But That's About It.