Tags
'real life' pretty, 'TV' pretty, antecedents, Bowling In The Dark, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel, Daria, Douche Juhamel, GOSH!, grammar, grammaverick, housebound nebbishes, If you're gonna come at Smaktakula you best bring your 'A' grammar--beyotch!, Josh Duhamel, Kathy Bates, Misery, Napoleon Dynamite, obscure celebrities, oh yeah we go ad hominem with a quickness!, pronouns, restraining order, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Some Guy, step your game up, Suzie the angry Josh Duhamel fan, the crazy bastards at Thinksquad, Thinksquad, Walt Stoelting, Yes 'grammaverick' is a new coinage but you can't tell us it isn't an awesome word. Well you can't!, Zoe Saldana
By Promethean Times
'Suzie' Is Appalled Not Only By Smaktakula's Ignorance Of His Favorite Actor, But Also Of A Movie So Replete With Unbridled Awesome That Its Title Defies The Confines Of Accepted English Syntax.
We’ve said it before: we love hearing from our fans. We are tremendously moved to know that what we do here has such a profound effect upon our readers. Occasionally we like to throw the little people a bone by hauling out time-honored platitudes such as how we learn as much or more from the trembling supplicants aching to touch the hem of our robes as they do from us.
Truly Douche Juhamel's #1 Fan, Suzie Loves Him In A Way No Other Man Can. Someday The Actor Will Notice.
Recently we heard from a devoted PT reader, Suzie (not his real name)*, whose comment was such a great mixture of insight and constructive
criticism that we felt compelled to share it with you. Suzie was particularly disappointed by our prior ignorance of the legendary performer, Josh Duhamel, and wasn’t afraid to tell us about it!
From his writing space in the fetid laundry room of the aging double-wide he shares with his grandmother, Suzie wrote:
Really, you don’t know who he {Duhamel} is? The guy was in Transformers 1 and 2.
One of the biggest movies of all time.
You don’t know who he is…
Really??
Thank God Zoe Saldana didn’t get in the news for an outburst either. Then I’d have to read about how you didn’t know who she was either. Another swing and a miss for this website. Step your game up.
We’ve asked Smaktakula to respond. ∞T.
"You Don't Know Who Josh Duhamel Is? Huh. He Starred In A Little Movie You MIGHT Have Heard Of: Transformers I And II. It Was Only The Biggest Movie Ever. GOSH!"
The words ‘Step your game up,’ can say a great deal about the person who gives them voice: first and foremost that he is a bold linguistic innovator, eschewing the longstanding practice of English-speaking people to avoid ending their sentences with prepositions. But then, Suzie proved himself a grammaverick with his curious use of the singular pronoun “one” for the antecedents “Transformers 1 and 2.”
Although initially taken aback by his passion about a subject which would be inconsequential to all but the most ardent housebound nebbishes, we accept as valid Suzie’s condemnation, both for our being previously unaware of Douche Juhamel’s tremendous body of work, and also for failing to keep abreast of blockbuster movies based on children’s playthings of yesteryear.
Moreover, we initially thought that Suzie’s criticism of Promethean Times might be of a more spurious character, perhaps excoriating this publication for its tendency to say ridiculously awful things about perfectly decent and apparently-undeserving public figures as recently as the first sentence of the preceding paragraph, all while hiding behind the anonymity of an alias. Of course, such an argument would constitute nothing more than a clutch of lies.
We Don't Understand Why Zoe Gets You So Hot And Bothered, Suzie. Sure, She's 'Real Life' Pretty, But Not 'TV' Pretty.
Instead, he has chosen to take the high road, bringing light to the ignorant in the form of ephemeral pop-culture inanity: a true fan, Suzie’s only concern is our Netflix queue. To this, we can offer only a mea culpa. Everybody makes mistakes, Suzie. Look at M. Night Shyamalan–the man makes a ton of movies; every great now and again one of them is bound to be a clunker.
Lastly–and given what’s transpired between Suzie and Promethean Times, this is difficult to admit–until his comment, we hadn’t heard of the moderately-attractive but largely forgettable Zoe Saldana. Obviously, we’re more than a little chagrined to be called on the carpet for our pop-culture ignorance not once but twice. The only excuse we can offer is that we don’t get to visit doctors’ offices nearly as much as we’d like, and so hardly ever get to read People Magazine.
A Restraining Order Is Nothing But A Piece Of Paper, Josh, But What We Share Is Real! When Will You See That?
Thanks, Suzie! 2011 is sure to be the year in which we step up our game!
Maybe if you write about real stars you’ll get mail from real groupies. Enough with the MiLo and Josh Duhamel, man-up and write about James Caan , Duhamel’s co-star in the TV series Las Vegas. I bet Sonny Corleone has some real fans. Or maybe Vanessa Marcil, another Duhamel co-star from LV, as the first Mrs. Corey Feldman I’m sure she has dozens of fans.
Thanks for your comment, The! While we agree with your point vis-a-vis James Caan, we prefer to stick with stars like Pauly Shore, (the former) Gary Coleman and Kim Jong-un, guys we know we could take in a fight if it came down to it. Caan’s old, but he still might have our number.
To set the record straight, my use of a nom de blogue is not, as you say, a cowardly effort to protect myself, but rather to defend the ones I care about. Really I’m a lot like Batman, except without the money, cool gadgets, or coordination. And instead of fighting crime, I write dumb things that nobody reads.
In many parts of the world, blogging is not—unlike, say, coal miner, farmer, bovine ejaculation facilitator, or congressman—considered a worthy profession, so to blog under my own name would be to bring shame and ridicule onto the impeccable reputations of my noble parents, the Right Reverend Seymour and Mrs. Fornicatia Buttocks. I prefer that their names continue to be given the respect they deserve.
Duly noted, Some Guy. We were mostly talking about “Walt Stoelting,” or whatever his REAL name is.
And you don’t have to tell us about what a noble job bovine ejaculation facilitator can be. Smaktakula comes from a long and proud line of BEF’s. In fact, Granddad didn’t use those newfangled cowgasm machines to (if you’ll pardon the expression) pull it off. Nope, Grandpa did the job with nothing other than good work shoes and his trusty right hand, which he called “Lady Bessie.” You could always tell when Gramps was coming to visit, because long before he reached our family farm, you could hear cows lowing softly in the distance.
It would embarrass me to describe just how funny I think this is.