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Tag Archives: obscure celebrities

Diff’rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

a very special episode, A-Team, America's inability to say NO, Arnold Jackson, Bad Terminator, boob job, breast implants, bulimia, Celebrity Death Watch, cooze, Cultural Folk Hero, Dana Plato, Diff'rent Strokes, Diff'rent Strokes Curse, drugs, Emmanuel is the Antigary, Emmanuel Lewis, famous catchphrases, famous short people, famous virgins, Gary Coleman, Harlem, Hello Larry!, Johnnie Cochran, jumping the shark, Just Say No!, Kimberly Drummond, Knight Rider, lesbians, Moore, Mr. T, Nancy Reagan, New York, Norman Lear, obscure celebrities, Oklahoma, Playboy, porno movies, redemption, Shannon Price, small black actor, soft-core, spank mags, Tötyl Hömö, Tötyl Hömö may just be the best band name ever, Terminator 2, The Facts of Life, Todd Bridges, unremitting virginity, Vanilla Ice, Where Are They Now?, Willis Jackson

By Smaktakula

“Mr. Drummond, I Assure You, Not Only Have I Never Heard Of Something Called A ‘Stinky Pinky,’ But I–OH!”

Diff’rent Strokes proved an instant hit with TV audiences in September of 1978.  The Norman Lear sitcom about Harlem orphans falling into the lap of luxury was anchored by veteran stage actor Conrad Bain, and featured promising child stars Todd Bridges and Dana Plato.  But the breakout star of the fledgling show was an adorably precocious chubby-cheeked Gary Coleman, whose shameless mugging and hilarious catchphrase, Whatchootalkinbout, blurred the line between funny and precious.

For a time, Diff’rent Strokes was a cultural phenomenon.  There were spinoffs both successful and unsuccessful–The Facts of Life and Hello Larry, respectively.  A variety of high-profile guest stars appeared on the set, including Knight Rider and KITT, Mr. T and an only slightly punchy Muhammad Ali.  Nancy Reagan even made an appearance in an very-special 1983 episode, where she made famous the line, Just Say No, which would within a few months completely eradicate America’s drug problem.  It seemed there was no place too remote to escape the ubiquitous images of cherubic Gary Coleman and the rest of the gang.  The future was indeed bright.

When Norman Lear Heard The Story Of The Park Avenue Psycho Who Abducted Two Street Kids As Sex Slaves (Seen Here On Surveillance Video), He Knew He Had A Hit Sitcom On His Hands. He’d Have To Clean It Up A Little First.

But by the time Diff’rent Strokes limped off the air in 1986, things had changed.  The venerable show had outlasted everyone’s expectations, but the cracks were beginning to show.  Cast members left, and improbable new ones were added.  Worst of all, while puberty had done nothing for Coleman’s stumpy physique, it had cruelly robbed him of his last vestiges of cuteness, leaving him a troll.  Even by the time the cameras had stopped rolling, people had begun to whisper about a curse.

THE ACCURSED:

Here The Gang Recreates Rembrandt’s ‘Eternal Virgin Flanked By Skank And Skonk.’

Todd Bridges/Willis Jackson:  Of the show’s three principal child stars, Todd Bridges has fared the best in that he remains alive as of this writing.  In the early 1990s, it seemed almost a certainty that the actor would have been long dead by now.  Life after Diff’rent Strokes may not have been easy for Todd, but it wasn’t boring.

Bridges traces his downfall to the diabolical troika of Sex, Drugs and Dana Plato.  Already an up-and-coming child star by the time of Diff’rent Strokes, Todd was thrust too quickly into a world with which he couldn’t cope.   Todd’s burgeoning crack addiction contributed to his legal problems, including a 1988 arrest for shooting a man while on a drug-binge.  Bridges had both the wherewithal and resources to enlist the aid of Johnnie Cochran, and was able to beat the charges.

Today, it is possible to be optimistic about Todd’s future.  He has been sober for several years, and has made inroads to rebuilding his shattered career.  Todd furthered his redemption in 2002 when he beat the shit out of Vanilla Ice on Fox’s vile Celebrity Boxing.

Todd’s Redemption Song Was The Sweet Stacatto Melody His Fists Played Across ‘Nilla’s Face.

Dana Plato/Kimberly Drummond:  Dana Plato began to unravel a few years before the show took its final bow.  When she became pregnant with her only child in 1984, the show’s producers wrote her out, bringing her back for a few appearances in the final season, including a very special episode about bulimia.  Even before her dismissal, rumors had begun to swirl about possible drug use and difficulties on the set.

It was difficult for Dana to find work, although she found in Playboy a showcase for her newly augmented breasts in 1989.  Sadly, her pre-Brazillian ‘spread’ may constitute the last high point in an existence which would drag on for another ten years.  During this time she would endure a number of personal setbacks–the death of her adoptive mother, abandonment by her husband and losing custody of her son, as well as some legal hassles.  The most embarrassing of these, a video-store robbery, culminated in a 911 caller exclaiming, “I’ve just been robbed by the girl who played Kimberly on Diff’rent Strokes!”

Dana Felt Deceived When She Found That Her Criminal Record, Despite Happening In Las Vegas, Would Not In Fact Stay There.

Dana tried to revive her acting career, appearing in soft-core films and even claiming (although she would later recant) to be a lesbian.  Dana died alone in a Winnebago on Mother’s Day 1999, parked outside her boyfriend’s mom’s house in Moore, Oklahoma.  Almost eleven years later to the day, her son Tyler would kill himself, a second-generation victim of the curse.

Settle Down Now. If A Dead Girl’s Ass Makes This NSFW, Then Your Boss Needs To Learn To Live A Little. That’s All We’re Saying.

Gary Coleman/Arnold Jackson:  Gary Coleman’s recent death is still fresh in the public’s mind.  But the pitiably pint-sized punchline endured much in the twenty-four years between his untimely death and the cancellation of Diff’rent Strokes, and given the heights he once reached, his must have been the most dizzying fall.

Hello?!? It’s 2011; We Don’t Call Them That Any More. The Album Should Be Titled: “The Indian And The Cultural Folk Hero.”

Gary had always had health problems, which along with his medication, contributed to his runtiness.  Then there were the legal troubles with his parents, whom Gary sued for misappropriation of his millions.  Gary was profligate with money himself, indulging his habit for model trains.  Sadly, the tiny has-been never thought to invest his resources into finding a cure for his virginity, which persisted throughout his life.

“Come On, Touch It. Just A Little Touch. Come On, Now–Slap It A Little.” Gary Had Trouble With The Ladies.

Whether it was as a money-lending pitchman, ‘Where Are They Now?’ TV cameo or as viral video laughingstock, Gary always found a way to entertain us.  It seemed that Gary had finally found love in the form of confirmed cooze Shannon Price.  Some experts have claimed that Price was the human personification of the Diff’rent Strokes Curse, or at the very least its dark avatar.  Gary gave her his heart and in return she fiddled while he died, and in what is the greatest indignity of all, never in their several months of matrimony bestowed her marital favors on the virginal troll.

“Your Honor–As My Wife, Isn’t She Supposed To DO Something About My Little Virginity Problem?”

THE UNPUNISHED:

Conrad Bain/Phillip Drummond:  A number of theories abound as to why Conrad Bain, who along with Coleman and Bridges was with the show for its entire run, has been allowed to live for almost 88 years.  Popular explanations for this seeming immunity range from the plausible (“Bain’s Canadianness somehow inures him from the effects of the curse”) to the frankly ridiculous (“The cast members of Diff’rent Strokes aren’t the victims of a hex at all, but rather the twin factors of stardom at an early age and coincidence).  Conrad attributes his longevity to nothing more than pure luck, clean thoughts and a half-pint of his own urine every morning.

This Gang Has A Bright Future.

Danny Cooksey/Sam McKinney:  Whether Danny Cooksey is subject to the curse is a matter of some controversy among Diff’rent Strokes academicians, as the delightful, country-singing moppet only appeared in three seasons after Coleman’s cuteness began rapidly to wane.  However, considering  that those three seasons comprised the show’s pitiful last gasp and that Cooksey was at least partly to blame for the show’s demise, as the introduction of his character marked the veteran show’s “jump the shark” moment, many feel that Cooksey’s continuing existence is an affront to God Almighty.  Since then, the sassy ginger is best remembered for being shoved into a video game by Bad Terminator in Terminator 2.

Danny Cooksey And His Awesome Band ‘Bad4Good.’ Or As We Like To Call Them, Tötyl Hömö.

Housekeepers:  Likewise, the show’s three regular housekeepers, perhaps because none served more than four seasons, also appear to be free of the curse’s effects.

Charlotte Rae, who appeared through the first season as Mrs. Garrett, was miraculously allowed to escape via spinoff.

Nedra Volz, who played the antiquated Adelaide Brubaker, lasted a few seasons.  Her career never suffered, and she died in 2003, well into her ninth decade.

Mary Jo Catlett was the last actress to play housekeeper to the Drummonds.  Like Sam McKinney, her tenure included the series’ sputtering demise.  However, as she was replacing an existing supporting character while McKinney was a new and unpleasant major character, the comparison is not valid.  Catlett has enjoyed a steady, if unremarkable career.

“Killing Willis?” That’s A Bit Extreme. We’d Just Like To Kick Him In The Nuts A Few Times.

THE CURSE IN REVERSE!

Melanie Watson/Kathy Gordon: Melanie Watson is best remembered for portraying the wheelchair-bound Kathy in several episodes.  In one notable appearance, Kathy denies that she is handicapped, and insists instead, “I’m handi-CAPABLE, turkey!”  Melanie, who suffers from a condition called osteogenesis imperfecta, seems to have carved out a nice life for herself, even starting a company to train helper dogs.

So They’re Not ALL Losers, Turkey!

It would appear that the Diff’rent Strokes Curse has run its course.  There will be those desperate few who hold out hope that the curse continue, perhaps branching out to claim performers with a more tenuous tie to the series than had “the big three.”  But wishing fervently for a thing will not make it come to pass.  The grim specter of death has lifted its pitiless hand from those involved with Diff’rent Strokes, and we will have to learn to live with it.

What Might Have Been: So Many Missed Opportunities, Gary. So Many Missed Opportunities.

Everybody’s got a special kind of story/Everybody finds a way to shine,/It don’t matter that you got not a lot/So what?/They’ll have theirs, you’ll have yours and I’ll have mine/And together we’ll be fine.

Cliff Robertson Is Dead

12 Monday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Abe Vigoda, Abe Vigoda is not dead, Celebrity Death Watch, Cliff Robertson, obscure celebrities, Spider-Man, with great power comes great responsibility

By Smaktakula

Cliff Robertson, who played Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben in the film Spider-Man, is dead at 88.  This comes as something of a surprise to the millions of people who were heretofore unaware of the veteran actor’s  existence, as well as to the handful of individuals who had heard the name ‘Cliff Robertson,’ but assumed that the historical personage attatched to it had died ages ago.

Abe Vigoda, However, Still Lives.

Abe was alive as of this writing.  Check here for the most current information. ∞T

Duhamel Groupie To PT: ‘Step Your Game Up.’

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

'real life' pretty, 'TV' pretty, antecedents, Bowling In The Dark, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel, Daria, Douche Juhamel, GOSH!, grammar, grammaverick, housebound nebbishes, If you're gonna come at Smaktakula you best bring your 'A' grammar--beyotch!, Josh Duhamel, Kathy Bates, Misery, Napoleon Dynamite, obscure celebrities, oh yeah we go ad hominem with a quickness!, pronouns, restraining order, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Some Guy, step your game up, Suzie the angry Josh Duhamel fan, the crazy bastards at Thinksquad, Thinksquad, Walt Stoelting, Yes 'grammaverick' is a new coinage but you can't tell us it isn't an awesome word. Well you can't!, Zoe Saldana

By Promethean Times

'Suzie' Is Appalled Not Only By Smaktakula's Ignorance Of His Favorite Actor, But Also Of A Movie So Replete With Unbridled Awesome That Its Title Defies The Confines Of Accepted English Syntax.

We’ve said it before: we love hearing from our fans. We are tremendously moved to know that what we do here has such a profound effect upon our readers.  Occasionally we like to throw the little people a bone by hauling out time-honored platitudes such as how we learn as much or more from the trembling supplicants aching to touch the hem of our robes as they do from us.

Truly Douche Juhamel's #1 Fan, Suzie Loves Him In A Way No Other Man Can. Someday The Actor Will Notice.

Recently we heard from a devoted PT reader, Suzie (not his real name)*, whose comment was such a great mixture of insight and constructive
criticism that we felt compelled to share it with you. Suzie was particularly disappointed by our prior  ignorance of the legendary performer, Josh Duhamel, and wasn’t afraid to tell us about it!

From his writing space in the fetid laundry room of the aging double-wide he shares with his grandmother, Suzie wrote:

Really, you don’t know who he {Duhamel} is?  The guy was in Transformers 1 and 2.

One of the biggest movies of all time.

You don’t know who he is…

Really??

Thank God Zoe Saldana didn’t get in the news for an outburst either. Then I’d have to read about how you didn’t know who she was either. Another swing and a miss for this website. Step your game up.

We’ve asked Smaktakula to respond. ∞T.

"You Don't Know Who Josh Duhamel Is? Huh. He Starred In A Little Movie You MIGHT Have Heard Of: Transformers I And II. It Was Only The Biggest Movie Ever. GOSH!"

The words ‘Step your game up,’ can say a great deal about the person who gives them voice: first and foremost that he is a bold linguistic innovator, eschewing the longstanding practice of English-speaking people to avoid ending their sentences with prepositions. But then, Suzie proved himself a grammaverick with his curious use of the singular pronoun “one” for the antecedents “Transformers 1 and 2.”

Although initially taken aback by his passion about a subject which would be inconsequential to all but the most ardent housebound nebbishes, we accept as valid Suzie’s condemnation, both for our being previously unaware of Douche Juhamel’s tremendous body of work, and also for failing to keep abreast of blockbuster movies based on children’s playthings of yesteryear.

Moreover, we initially thought that Suzie’s criticism of Promethean Times might be of a more spurious character, perhaps excoriating this publication for its tendency to say ridiculously awful things about perfectly decent and apparently-undeserving public figures as recently as the first sentence of the preceding paragraph, all while hiding behind the anonymity of an alias.  Of course, such an argument would constitute nothing more than a clutch of lies.

Zoe Saldana

We Don't Understand Why Zoe Gets You So Hot And Bothered, Suzie. Sure, She's 'Real Life' Pretty, But Not 'TV' Pretty.

Instead, he has chosen to take the high road, bringing light to the ignorant in the form of ephemeral pop-culture inanity: a true fan, Suzie’s only concern is our Netflix queue.  To this, we can offer only a mea culpa. Everybody makes mistakes, Suzie. Look at M. Night Shyamalan–the man makes a ton of movies; every great now and again one of them is bound to be a clunker.

Lastly–and given what’s transpired between Suzie and Promethean Times, this is difficult to admit–until his comment, we hadn’t heard of the moderately-attractive but largely forgettable Zoe Saldana.  Obviously, we’re more than a little chagrined to be called on the carpet for our pop-culture ignorance not once but twice. The only excuse we can offer is that we don’t get to visit doctors’ offices nearly as much as we’d like, and so hardly ever get to read People Magazine.

A Restraining Order Is Nothing But A Piece Of Paper, Josh, But What We Share Is Real! When Will You See That?

Thanks, Suzie!  2011 is sure to be the year in which we step up our game!

*Although we have withheld “Suzie’s” name, we should note that he was man enough to include a real name and email address. This is a refreshing change from cowardly bloggers who talk a good game from behind the aegis of a ridiculously-conceived alias, such as ‘Thinksquad,’ ‘Some Guy‘ or ‘Walt Stoelting.’

Actor’s Childish Antics Bring Him To Our Awareness

10 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

air travel, assholes, Black Eyed Peas, Blackberry, boorish behavior, Charlie Estevez, Douche Juhamel, douchebaggery, Duchess of York, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Kentucky, obscure celebrities, pop culture, Royals, rude people, Sarah Ferguson, skanks, Stacy Ferguson, Star Trek II, untalented stars, Weight Watchers, well-endowed men

By Smaktakula

Smart Move In Locking That One Down, Josh.

Through no fault of our own, an insipid bit of pop culture minutiae has bored its way into our brain like those nasty little brain-eating creatures in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.  Recently, Promethean Times became aware of the existence of actor Josh Duhamel after the actor made the news for his boorish behavior. The hitherto-unknown-to-us actor is alleged to have delayed  a La Guardia flight bound for Kentucky when he had to be removed after churlishly refusing an attendant’s several requests to shut down his Blackberry prior to takeoff.

Pop Culture Enters Your Brain In Much The Same Way.

We inadvertently stumbled across this story while looking for actual news, and since the headline didn’t indicate who the actor was, we were duped into thinking it might have been someone of note.  We could not have foreseen that not only would our assessment be incorrect, but that we would be subjected to the forced absorption of useless and meritless trivia.  We were no worse off for our previous ignorance of Duhamel, and are certainly no richer now for the knowledge.

Yeah, That's Kinda How We Feel, Too. We Were Fine Not Knowing You Existed.

We learned that Duhamel–whom we have trouble not thinking of as ‘Douche Juhamel,’–is married to Fergie, by whom we mean Stacy Ferguson, lead skank of Hip-Hop juggernauts The Black Eyed Peas, and not Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson, ex-British Royal turned Weight Watchers spokesperson turned embarrassing would-be access peddler.  Moreover, we were treated to the information that the soulful slattern likes her men well-hung, and that Duhamel is deserving of inclusion among that select group.

Fergie Is REALLY Into Meat-Missiles. And There's Nothing Wrong With That.

There is such a thing as too much knowledge, especially if that knowledge is inconsequential.  Most upsetting is the idea that in becoming aware of Duhamel, we may have forgotten something which really mattered.

There is a certain fear which keeps us awake in the cold dark hours before dawn.  We dread that someday, when we are one correct Jeopardy! answer away from the championship, and Alex Trebek says, “This volatile television star was born Charles Estevez, but once had a movie career, starring in such films as Wall Street and Hot Shots,” we’ll answer, “Who is Josh Duhamel?”

Don't Judge. It's Just That A Man Grows Weary Of Fergie After A While.

It is our hope, then, that some of you reading this may also have been hitherto unaware of Douche Juhamel’s existence.  We are pleased to share with you in this small, intimate way our pain.

Mullets Are Slightly Less Heinous Than Fauxhawks

06 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Axis of Eww, Blake Lewis, Bono, Britney Spears, business up front, dipwads, douchebaggery, dreadmullet, fauxhawks, Hoxton fin, insipidity, Joseph Lister, mulletards, mulletocracy, mullets, obscure celebrities, party in the back, polio, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, small pox, The Achy-Breaky, The South, the stupid things white people do to their hair, white people

By Smaktakula

Blame His Parents, His Community Or Even TV, But Leave The Kid Alone. He Don't Know No Better.

The mullet and the fauxhawk, two uniquely odious hairstyles which perch like fur gargoyles atop less-discriminating pates throughout the United States and Europe, are not often mentioned in the same breath.  The two could not be more dissimilar, and yet they are united in pileous* ignominy.  Along with the frizzy perm, which fortunately has grown rare in recent decades, these hideous head sculptures comprise a hairy Axis of Eww.

The mullet is by far the oldest of the three, its origins described in hushed tales of a land in a time long past, where the rivers were said to flow not with water but Corona, and where every spring the methamphetamine trees would bloom.

Briefly in vogue during the 1980s, the mullet has been returned to its ancestral practitioners, typically fringy rednecks or sweaty European soccer stars.

Happily, Like Small Pox And Polio Before It, The Frizzy Perm Is Quietly Going Away.

By comparison, the fauxhawk is a new arrival on the fashion scene.  Lacking the balls to be a mohawk, but still too douchey for polite company, the fauxhawk is a coward’s hairstyle.  The fauxhawk’s relative newness coupled with a lack of media access among the poor and the stupid allows the hairstyle to spread in places ignorant to its deleterious effect upon the community.

Achtung, Mullet! Elvis Presley Brought Black Music To A Wider Audience, And The Beatles Introduced Us To Crazy Drugs And Beautiful Ideas. Bono's Gift Was A Hairstyle.

Fauxhawk apologists claim this limited acceptance as evidence of the hairstyle’s superiority over the mullet, reckoning it to be the lesser of two evils.  As with the medical community’s resistance to Joseph Lister’s insistence on  sterile medical equipment, simply because someone is unaware of the fauxhawk’s insipidity does not exempt them from same.  Not only are these wearers of the fauxhawk wallowing blissfully in their own suckitude, but their ignorance renders them into objects of pity.

Britney Sports A Thoroughly Modern Femullet For Her Appearance At The Festival For Traditional Southern Culture, Folk Art And Rasslin'.

People with mullets, or mulletards, may be mouth-breathing cretins of dubious lineage, but they have  a semblance of honor.  To the rest of the world a mullet may simply say “dipwad,” but to the mulletard it is epic poetry.  By choosing to wear a mullet, a man is making a proud statement that runs the gamut of human experience, from I know where I was when Dale Jr. died to My heart’s a little achy-breaky right now, thanks so much for askin’ and everything in between.

We Have A Question For You, Inexplicably Famous Person: What Sound Do You Hear When Water Collides With Vinegar? (*DOUCHE*)

*We have included the definition lest readers erroneously believe, as did our spell check, that we meant to write ‘piteous.’  In fact we did not.

A Great New Way To Make Mom And Dad Pay For What They Did

13 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Cinema, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Social Networking

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

attention-seeking behavior, bad decisions, caveat emptor, Chicago, citizen of Clan Arquette, crazy fucker, crazy people, Dad, daddy issues, David A. Cox, David Arquette, Did Courtney Cox lose a bet?, foolish choices, gettin' inked, getting back at mom and dad, ink, Mom, obscure celebrities, tats, tattoos, tiresome anachronism, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Why not get inked by tiresome former celebrity and citizen of Clan Arquette, David A. Cox?   

"It's A Dragon That Shoots Dragons From Its Eyes! And Then Those Dragons Shoot Dragons From Their Eyes, Too! And Then Those Dragons--Guess What They Shoot From Their Eyes? Guess! Oh, Man! You Are So Not Gonna Regret This!"

Well, you know what, Mom?  Maybe if you’d bought me Red Power Ranger with the light-up eyes and collectible key chain for Christmas 1999 like I asked you to, then maybe I wouldn’t need to get the Chinese character for ‘Fire’ tattooed on my chest.  But what do I know, right?  I’m only your son.  You tell me, Mom.  You tell me.

Forgotten Author Renounces Ancient Religion

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Mythology, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Social Networking

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Anne Rice, Anne Rice will burn in the lake of fire alongside Galileo Galilei and Madonna Ciccone, apostate, bodice-rippers, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Catholicism, conversion for publicity, crimes against humanity, even werewolves have been ruined, forgotten authors, Hags, heterosexuality, homoeroticism, homoeroticism in vampire literature, Judaism, obscure celebrities, renounces, self-satisfied, stupid shit little girls like, tween romance, Twilight, vampire fiction, vampires

By Smaktakula

Tween Romance author Anne Rice announced recently that she had renounced Catholicism.  This news serves to energize opponents of the Church, as well as to delight the author’s remaining fans, most of whom are all grown up now and just happy to know she’s still alive.               

In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life.               

Rice, whose main contribution to literature has been to purge the vampire genre of its remaining vestiges of heterosexuality, is also said to be privately fuming that her conversion to Catholicism didn’t prove to be the goldmine her agent promised it would.                    

It Would Seem We Have You To Thank For Twilight As Well. Hag.

 

Damn it, Anne–we’ve been through this a million times.  You know I said no such thing–I told you to go with Judaism. 

Actor Jeffrey Jones’ Interest In Underage Boys Is Touching

01 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, National Events, People, Prison Culture, Relationships, Scandal

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

catamite, childish sexual innuendo, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, How High, Howard The Duck, Jeffrey Jones, modern classics, Mom and Dad Save the World, obscure celebrities, pederast, pervert, registered sex offender, short eyes, you got a real purty mouth

Actor and pederast Jeffrey Jones, featured in such modern classics as Howard the Duck and How High, has once again run afoul of the law.  Apparently, the in-demand actor has been so busy learning his lines, he sometimes forgets that he’s a voracious short eyes, constantly on the prowl for his next catamite.  This aberrant compulsion makes the talented thespian a very real danger to the community, and as such, Jones must register as a sex offender wherever he goes.     

Jones has now twice failed to do that.          

Is There A Single Detail About This Man That DOESN'T Scream "Run Away?"

Wanna Be In ‘Mom And Dad Save The World 2?’: ‘Ferris Bueller’ actor faces felony charge in LA.     

Smaktakula

Begin the healing by telling Facebook all about it

All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

09 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Justice, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Race

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

black people, disabled people, gay people, hate crime, hate crime legislation, inequality under the law, Jewish people, laws, obscure celebrities, Pauly Shore, sentencing, The Wiez, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

For those who don’t know, a hate crime is a crime that is committed against a black, disabled, jewish or gay person that isn’t committed by a black, disabled, jewish or gay person.

The distinction can be tricky.  Simply hating someone and then committing a crime against them is not sufficient to be considered a hate crime.  Likewise, because a crime is hateful, doesn’t automatically qualify it as a hate crime.  For example, stabbing an elderly woman 13 times in the face for her social security check is not, in and of itself, a hate crime.  Supposing however, that the old lady in question is a lesbian while her attacker is not, then it is indeed a hate crime.

Hate crimes are considered more heinous than other crimes.  As such, they carry stiffer sentences than their non-hate brethren, in much the way that stealing $1,000,000 is considered worse than stealing $49.50.  Given that the first sum is worth more, most people would agree that the theft of same should carry with it a more rigorous penalty.

Logically then, the types of people who are potential victims of hate crimes are of greater value to society than those who aren’t.  Were this not the case, all crimes of a similar nature (i.e., assault, rape, murder, being salty) would be punished equally under the law.

Since all crimes of a similar nature do not meet this criterion, it follows that the least worthy element in our society is the straight, white, ambulatory male.

When Viewed In This Light, It Does Make A Certain Sense.

Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy Split

15 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Hollywood, Movies, People, Relationships, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bing Crosby, Bob Hope, celebrity breakups, Corey Feldman, Corey Haim, Fel-Dog, Haimster, Hollywood breakups, Jamie Kennedy, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Katherine Hepburn, obscure celebrities, People Magazine, Spencer Tracy

According to People, it’s true.    

If Haim & Feldman were Gen X’s unrecognized Hope & Crosby, then perhaps the union of Hewitt and Kennedy produced Generation Y’s Tracy and Hepburn.   

Jamie & Jennifer During Happier Times

Hopefully fans’ grief will be mitigated somewhat the knowledge that while this news is certainly dismal, it is proof that the two are still alive.    

Wait–who are Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy again?    

Find Out At The Same Time Promethean Times Does: Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy Split – Breakups, Jamie Kennedy, Jennifer Love Hewitt : People.com.   

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