By Smaktakula

Although it has only been in recent years that blood sports like dog fighting have piqued the national consciousness–thanks to in part to high-profile offenders such as the very talented but equally douchey Michael Vick–the practice is ancient, dating back into the depths of history.  Fight organizers pit two dogs (often American Staffordshire terriers, more commonly known as pit bulls) against one another in a gore-filled ballet which can leave the animals with horrific injuries if they manage to survive at all.

Promethean Times deplores this ghastly exercise in masochism not least because it sullies the good name of other, only tangentially-related activities. One such endeavor is the noble and time-honored practice of cock-fighting, which counts among its supporters no less important a figure than Wilford Brimley, as well as influential publications like Promethean Times.  Thanks in part to the attention drawn by canine bouts, cockfights have been made illegal throughout the United States, despite being similar to dog fighting only in that both activities involve animals destroying one another for the amusement of shouting, sweaty men with sixth-grade educations.

However, as with other illicit activities like drugs, prostitution and Dora the Explorer porn, dog fighting won’t go away simply because it’s illegal.  Nor will well-intentioned “shame” campaigns succeed in doing any more than pushing this blood sport further underground.  A new–and more critically, viable–approach must be considered.

Compromise can often leave all parties feeling unsatisfied and poorly used; nevertheless compromise is the sole means by which a workable solution to the dog fighting problem will be reached.  Promethean Times has contrived a solution with broad appeal, disagreeable only to those ideological cosmonauts who cling to either extreme of the issue.

For our plan to see real success, some changes must immediately be implemented within the sport.  Dog fights which include brutish game breeds such as pit bulls must remain illegal, with an increased emphasis on prosecution for individuals who participate not only in the dog fights themselves, but also in the breeding and sale of these creatures.  This measure should go a long way toward mollifying activists who wish to see an end to pit bull fighting.

However, people who enjoy the tangy aroma of blood, fur and terror should not be disappointed; under the Promethean Times plan, dog fights will continue. Accordingly, the sport should be decriminalized in all fifty states and the District of Columbia, but limited to animals weighing twelve pounds or less.  As an added crowd-pleaser, the combatants would be made to wear ridiculous costumes such as evening gowns, clown outfits and Leather Daddy gear.

We think that’s an idea everyone can get behind.