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Tag Archives: Wilford Brimley

Dog Fighting: A Solution At Last

11 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Sport

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

American Staffordshire terrier, blood sports, canine pugilists, canines, cockfighting, death by cock, death by dog, DIABEETUS, District of Columbia, dog fighting, dogs, dogs in ridiculous outfits, Dora the Explorer porn, douchebaggery, drugs, Leather Daddy, Michael Vick, pit bulls, Promethean Times' staunch support for cockfighting, prostitution, shame campaign, Spuds McKenzie, vulgar non-sports, we're here to help, Wilford Brimley

By Smaktakula

Dog Fighting Is No Longer The Genteel Sport It Was In Your Father's Day.

Although it has only been in recent years that blood sports like dog fighting have piqued the national consciousness–thanks to in part to high-profile offenders such as the very talented but equally douchey Michael Vick–the practice is ancient, dating back into the depths of history.  Fight organizers pit two dogs (often American Staffordshire terriers, more commonly known as pit bulls) against one another in a gore-filled ballet which can leave the animals with horrific injuries if they manage to survive at all.

Absolutely And Without Question, Yes.

Promethean Times deplores this ghastly exercise in masochism not least because it sullies the good name of other, only tangentially-related activities. One such endeavor is the noble and time-honored practice of cock-fighting, which counts among its supporters no less important a figure than Wilford Brimley, as well as influential publications like Promethean Times.  Thanks in part to the attention drawn by canine bouts, cockfights have been made illegal throughout the United States, despite being similar to dog fighting only in that both activities involve animals destroying one another for the amusement of shouting, sweaty men with sixth-grade educations.

But People EAT Chickens, So This Is Completely Different.

However, as with other illicit activities like drugs, prostitution and Dora the Explorer porn, dog fighting won’t go away simply because it’s illegal.  Nor will well-intentioned “shame” campaigns succeed in doing any more than pushing this blood sport further underground.  A new–and more critically, viable–approach must be considered.

Compromise can often leave all parties feeling unsatisfied and poorly used; nevertheless compromise is the sole means by which a workable solution to the dog fighting problem will be reached.  Promethean Times has contrived a solution with broad appeal, disagreeable only to those ideological cosmonauts who cling to either extreme of the issue.

Bringing An Inebriated Killing Machine To Your Party Might Not Be As Bitchin' An Idea As It At First Appears.

For our plan to see real success, some changes must immediately be implemented within the sport.  Dog fights which include brutish game breeds such as pit bulls must remain illegal, with an increased emphasis on prosecution for individuals who participate not only in the dog fights themselves, but also in the breeding and sale of these creatures.  This measure should go a long way toward mollifying activists who wish to see an end to pit bull fighting.

However, people who enjoy the tangy aroma of blood, fur and terror should not be disappointed; under the Promethean Times plan, dog fights will continue. Accordingly, the sport should be decriminalized in all fifty states and the District of Columbia, but limited to animals weighing twelve pounds or less.  As an added crowd-pleaser, the combatants would be made to wear ridiculous costumes such as evening gowns, clown outfits and Leather Daddy gear.

Mitzi Lives Only For The Taste Of The Enemy's Life-Blood.

We think that’s an idea everyone can get behind.

Stuff You Probably Didn’t Know About Wilford Brimley

08 Wednesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

cockfighting, DIABEETUS, Diabetes, Diabetes Cat, Howard Hughes, It's the right thing to do, John Wayne, True Grit, Wilford Brimley

By Smaktakula

"Chicken Slaughtering Chicken. It's The Right Thing To Do."

  1. Got his acting start with an uncredited role in John Wayne’s True Grit.
  2. Once worked as a bodyguard for playboy-turned-recluse Howard Hughes.
  3. Is an unabashed supporter of cockfighting.

The Resemblance Really Is Uncanny. Poor Beast.

Raves Are Best Enjoyed Without Drugs Or Love

03 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Culture, Music, News

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

arrests, club kids, death by love, death by overdose, death by stampede, Diabetes, drugs, ecstacy, Germans in large groups are best avoided, good clean American fun, I'm not the Lorax Dammit!, Los Angeles, Love Festival, Love Parade, rave culture, raves, stampede, techno music, the Lorax, trampling deaths, Wilford Brimley, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

It’s hard to believe that the world has changed so much in just a year.  For at least a generation, raves represented one of the last bastions of good, clean, American fun.  But now things are changing: the unwelcome shadow of drugs is increasingly encroaching upon the outer edges of the scene.

These Drug-Free Kids Prove The Old Raver Adage: You Can Be Dippy Without Being Trippy.

When Promethean Times first reported on this phenomenon, we dismissed these early warnings as the work of one or two bad apples.  Nor were we alone in underestimating the threat posed by illicit chemicals.  Promethean Times still holds that drugs are not necessary to enjoy an air-raid siren set to a metronomic beat, and that the shared joy of grinding sexlessly against the nearest sweaty, stinking body is in no way enhanced by chemicals.  We believe that a twenty-eight year old dressed up as the Lorax can be kooky and fun, and not just a wincingly pitiable product of drug-attenuated tastes.  But are these long-cherished values still embraced by today’s young ravers?

"I'm Not The Lorax, Dammit! I'm Wilford Brimley, And Your Diabetes Is Out Of Control!"

There are troubling indications that these wholesome traditions are breaking down.  In Los Angeles, 80 people were arrested and several hospitalized at yet another rave.  Most of the arrests and hospitalizations were the result of drug use.

Fact: Gathering Massive Numbers Of Germans In One Place For Any Reason Means Someone's Going To Die.

The use of “Love” in the name of the gathering points to a disturbing new trend, where young people hold orgiastic celebrations in honor of the positive emotion.   Americans should count themselves lucky with the casualties they did receive–in the German Love Parade 21 people were crushed to death in a stampede of unbridled affection.

Your Mother Must Be Very Proud.

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