By Smaktakula

It’s hard to find many people who pity slimy CelebriMom Dina Lohan, but Kate Major can now count herself among that select few.  Until just a few days ago, Major shared a bed with Lohan’s troubled ex-husband, the cretinous Michael ‘MiLo’ Lohan.  The fairytale May-December romance came to a crashing end when Lohan got violent.

Apparently, the cradle-robbing cretin escaped free from Celebrity Rehab compound  (where Lohan’s presence strains the definition of the word ‘Celebrity’) before finding the terrified Major with a female friend.  Here the accounts of MiLo’s rampage grow fuzzy.  Although most reports list Major as being on the receiving end of MiLo’s self-loathing rage, a few list Major’s friend as the victim.  Not in dispute is this: Michael Lohan hits women.

MiLo cries foul at these accusations, and in a sadly unsurprising move, accuses the much smaller Major of being violent toward him.  Chasing this dubious tactic to its inevitable extreme, the dirty old man contends that the bruises Major has been sporting lately have been the product of makeup, and not MiLo’s fists. MiLo was so upset upon his arrest that he began to have chest pains, and spent the night in Cedar-Sinai under the watchful eye of an on-duty police officer.

Upon hearing the news, Major was less than sympathetic:  “The heart issues get old and he’s obviously strong enough to hit a woman but not a man. Everything he said is a lie or a vindictive threat.”

Despite the threat of several felonies, Lohan will be charged only with a misdemeanor, proving once again that justice loves a scumbag.  Although this will enable MiLo to get back to hitting women much more quickly than anticipated, don’t expect to see Kate Major helping him bolster his fragile sense of self-esteem– It looks like MiLo will have to find another girl to knock around. Of her despicable Ex, Major says,  “I wish he’d shut up and go to jail.”