Adam Jones, Afghanistan, Alaska, Andrea Barber, Argentina, Ashley Tisdale, Brazil, Cambodia, Chechnya, China, chubby chasers, dope, Egypt, Florida, ganja, Grenada, headlines, hemp, Iraq, Ivory Coast, John Kerry, Kim Kardashian, Kimmy Gibbler, left-handed people, Libya, Lollapalooza, marijuana, Mexico, Miley Cyrus, North Korea, Pakistan, Panama, pot, pr0n, Rangoon, reefer, Robin Thicke, Rome, Rwanda, Serbia, Sri Lanka, sweet sweet cheeba, Syria, the French, Tim Tebow, Vietnam, Vincent Van Gogh, weed, Zetas, Zimbabwe
You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.
- 11 Social Security Mistakes People Make ~ The biggest one is assuming it will meet your post-retirement financial needs. That’s not a joke. That’s free advice.
- Fla. girl who lost feet in lawnmower accident takes first steps on prosthetic legs ~ She’d better get used to those things quickly; that lawn isn’t going to mow itself.
- Smaller Testicles Linked with Caring Fathers ~ Also known as ‘mothers.’
- Health: Why I Would Vote No On Pot ~ “Because I’m a dick!”
- Kim Kardashian on arrival of new baby girl: ‘Can’t believe it! It’s so crazy!’ ~ It seems nutty to us as well, but since you’re over 21 and haven’t been convicted of a felony, we guess you’re entitled to take that baby home if you want to.
- Did Robin Thicke’s Wife Confront Miley Cyrus? ~ Oh my God, I’m sure I don’t know and what’s more, I couldn’t care less.
- Men charged with attempting to bribe judge in Zetas case ~ In Mexico, being charged with bribery means that your bribe was insufficient.
- New Vincent Van Gogh painting ‘Sunset at Montmajour’ surfaces ~ You really think that’s new? ‘Cause we’re not so sure.
- Losing a Tattoo, Gaining a Tumor ~ “Oh, you know what? I think I’m gonna keep the tat for right now.”
- What has Adam Jones been doing since he’s not walking? ~ Well, as you know, he’s been hard at work with his therapist in the desperate hope that he might someday regain the use of his legs. Dick.
- Two men reportedly punch girl, 11, for Lollapalooza beach ball ~ Sounds pretty shitty, we know–but not to worry, the 11-year-old told us that prior to the assault, she had a ball.
- Alaska serial killer tied to at least 11 deaths, FBI says ~ Holy shit! That’s like half the state.
- Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too ~ And she will! Which is the whole reason young men go to college in the first place.
- TV: What Happened To Kimmy Gibbler ~ I went to college with Andrea Barber, who played Kimmy Gibbler on the odious Full House (which I’m proud to say I’ve never seen). You’ll be happy to know that Andrea was a lovely person who went on to have a real life.
- AP Analysis: Egypt enters uncharted territory ~ False. Egypt has moved very little in its long history, and it’s pretty well mapped-out.
- The full-figured fitness instructor ~ Does not fill me with confidence.
- My daughter took a girl to prom. Why did I let it bother me? ~ Because it’s just one more dashed hope that Dakota will follow in the family tradition of getting knocked up by graduation.
- Ashley Tisdale’s Stalker Won’t Leave Her Alone ~ Yeah, but if he did, what kind of stalker would he be?
- 11 Little-Known Facts About Left-Handers ~ #6 They eat babies. We could have told you that.
- Having It All Without Having Children ~ Pretty much the only way you can have ANYTHING is to not have children.
- French sperm count ‘falls by a third’ ~ But it still tastes a lot like Béarnaise sauce.
- Sorry, men and women probably can’t be friends ~ Do friends have occasional intercourse? Because if so, I think it’s totally workable.
- Kerry says United States cannot be ‘spectators to slaughter’ in Syria ~ So we’re just gonna change the channel to something a little less ugly, like we did in Rwanda. And Argentina.
And Grenada. And Cambodia. And Panama .And Sri Lanka. And Vietnam. And Serbia .And Brazil. And Iraq.And Ivory Coast. And Libya .And North Korea. And Mexico. And Chechnya. And Afghanistan.And Pakistan. And Rangoon. And Zimbabwe. And Egypt. And Sudan. And Central Africa¹ And Saudi Arabia. And…
- What Your Car Says About Your Personality (You Might Be Surprised!) ~ That you’re a fool who entrusts his sense of self to an inanimate object that cares not one whit whether you live or die.
- Hiker lost in the Andes for four months lived on rats and raisins ~ It’s amazing the lengths to which some people will go just to survive. Seriously, raisins are fucking gross.
- 3 Quiet Museums in Rome ~ Ha! No place is quiet in Rome. Oh. My. God. Those people don’t ever shut up.
- You Found Your 13-Year-Old’s Porn Stash. What Should You Do? ~ Wash your hands with soap, scalding water and steel wool.
- Tim Tebow to pursue ‘lifelong dream’ after release by Patriots ~ Gay porn–and lots of it!
- Iranian officials take to Twitter to wish Jews a happy new year and welcome … ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!!
- Testosterone Trick Leaves Wives Speechless ~ A magic ‘shut-up trick?’ We’re listening.
- Smile: USA ranks 17th among world’s happiest countries ~ We’d rank higher, but some of those European countries are counting “gay” as happy.
- Man Arrested for Killing 13-Year-Old Girl Made One Huge Mistake ~ Other than taking the life of an innocent child, you mean. Another huge mistake.
- She’s fat, and I’m not ~ That makes you a chubby-chaser. There’s nothing wrong with that.
- Man shot after performing forced fellatio ~ At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just can’t see this happening to me. If a dude ever put a gun to my head and demanded I go down on him, I’d give him the best damn BJ he ever had in his life. Afterwards, he wouldn’t even be able walk, let alone shoot me.
Remind me never to try Béarnaise sauce.
A wise choice. Don’t make the same mistake I did: it can be habit-forming.
Carrie Rubin said:
Testicles, sperm, fellatio—it’s like a male anatomy smorgasbord on PT today…
Funny as always!
Write what you know, they say…
El Guapo said:
Must have been a horrible beating, because that pun was, in fact, pretty painful.
What’s with the sappy bit about the Full House actress? Sheesh, you’re a softie!
I sat on that headline for months because of the pun. Nothing changed, but apparently, its time had come.
Was I sappy? Oof, I try to avoid that. But Andrea (whom I knew casually) was a very sweet person, that rare combination of pretty religious but largely non-judgemental, which gives a person a strong moral compass, but doesn’t make them a huge pain in the ass. I had never seen “Full House,” and it was funny to hear Andrea try to describe the character to someone who had no idea. Subsequently, I’ve seen clips of “Kimmie Gibbler,” so it makes more sense to me now.
So when in Rome, yammer your head off, eh?
Yes, and use your hands as much as possible. Also be short and drive like a maniac.
Alex Autin said:
I needed these today – hilarious!
I’m happy to know these served a good purpose, then. Thanks, Alex!
The Writing Waters Blog said:
I’m saving this so I can read more later, but already I’d be ticked if the girl who can’t mow her lawn was MY neighbor.
I hope you like ’em!
Oh, how I have missed your headlines, Smak.
Thanks, Mike. These are always a lot of fun for me to do, because they’re things I think are funny. So when someone else gets a kick out of them as well, it’s a real treat. I appreciate it.
Frankly, it’s the only thing about you that I do like. 😉
This is so much better than reading the paper! Does anyone even read a newspaper anymore…hhmm…Great Headlines – kept me in stitches this morning.
Thanks, Chicago Blanca. You know, in all seriousness, except for free copies of USA Today in hotels, I haven’t read a paper in years. I read the Economist every week, and it calls itself a newspaper, but it’s really a magazine.
Our school gets free newspapers – I grab one and read one on a rare occasion…(I hardly know any breaking news stories unless people are taking about it)
The Economist, huh? (brainiac)
Luddy's Lens said:
With enough rats to keep a fella alive for four months, are we certain those were “raisins”?