, , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Despite Being Good All Year, Smaktakula Received Only A $25 Gift Card From Bed, Bath & Beyond. Where The Fuck Is His Benefit Concert?

You didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas and it sucks so bad it feels like a kick in the face. Your friends all got iPads–which they’re not even gonna use!–and all you got was two reams of college-rule notebook paper from your grandma.¹ We feel you, Bro.

If You Can Deal With Both A Lifetime Of Seething Resentment And The Culpability In The Complete Ruination Of Your Offspring, Then You Go Ahead And Buy It.

If we might offer a tiny balm for your first world boo-boo, concentrate instead on the relatively lavish life you live in comparison to the rest of the world (and remember, not everybody lives in Sweden, Singapore or Andorra). Don’t let yourself be bummed by the idea that you’re one paycheck from being homeless. In reality, you’re one paycheck away from ruining your parents’ plan to turn your old room into a leather-dungeon, and believe us, their degeneracy can wait a year or two until you meet a nice girl who makes you go out and find a job.

Our Standard Of Living Affords Some Pretty Wacky Pursuits.

Rather, envision life without the great many amenities–among them clean running water, a solid infrastructure, depraved internet porn–available to every man, woman and child throughout the first world. Think of life then not in terms of paychecks, but of meals. You might, for example, prefer not to eat pork products²–in the first world food preferences are among our myriad everyday extravagances. It behooves you to remember, however, the ugly reality is that you’re at most seventy-two to ninety-six hours from “Whom must I blow for a half-eaten McRib Sandwich?”

We Had A Big Breakfast, So The Best You’re Gonna Get Right Now Is A Hand-Job.

¹ This actually happened to Smaktakula one year.  You’re awesome, Mrs. B!  ∞T.
² That Smaktakula assiduously refrains from eating pork indicates he’s most likely a Muslim or Jew, albeit one who (as indicated in the first footnote) celebrates Christmas. ∞ T.