27 Wednesday Jun 2012
Posted in Culture
Tags
child abuse, childhood humiliations, getting back at mom and dad, shitty parents, so sad, thanks a lot mom
Here’s why:
This Is Neither Heart-Warming Nor Cute. It Is Cruel.
28 Wednesday Dec 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
Andorra, first world, first world problems, leather daddies, pork, Singapore, Sweden, thanks a lot mom, The Concert For Smaktakula, the West, third world, United States of America
Despite Being Good All Year, Smaktakula Received Only A $25 Gift Card From Bed, Bath & Beyond. Where The Fuck Is His Benefit Concert?
You didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas and it sucks so bad it feels like a kick in the face. Your friends all got iPads–which they’re not even gonna use!–and all you got was two reams of college-rule notebook paper from your grandma.¹ We feel you, Bro.
If You Can Deal With Both A Lifetime Of Seething Resentment And The Culpability In The Complete Ruination Of Your Offspring, Then You Go Ahead And Buy It.
If we might offer a tiny balm for your first world boo-boo, concentrate instead on the relatively lavish life you live in comparison to the rest of the world (and remember, not everybody lives in Sweden, Singapore or Andorra). Don’t let yourself be bummed by the idea that you’re one paycheck from being homeless. In reality, you’re one paycheck away from ruining your parents’ plan to turn your old room into a leather-dungeon, and believe us, their degeneracy can wait a year or two until you meet a nice girl who makes you go out and find a job.
Our Standard Of Living Affords Some Pretty Wacky Pursuits.
Rather, envision life without the great many amenities–among them clean running water, a solid infrastructure, depraved internet porn–available to every man, woman and child throughout the first world. Think of life then not in terms of paychecks, but of meals. You might, for example, prefer not to eat pork products²–in the first world food preferences are among our myriad everyday extravagances. It behooves you to remember, however, the ugly reality is that you’re at most seventy-two to ninety-six hours from “Whom must I blow for a half-eaten McRib Sandwich?”
We Had A Big Breakfast, So The Best You’re Gonna Get Right Now Is A Hand-Job.
14 Thursday Jul 2011
Tags
alcohol, alcohol solves all of life's problems, bad parents, black people, Casey Anthony, Caylee Anthony, death threats, Facebook, getting away with murder, infanticide, men, mistaken identity, murderers, stupid people, thanks a lot mom, unfortunate names, unpunished, white people, women
Attention idiots: you may be threatening the wrong Casey Anthony.
It's Totally Okay To Hate Her. It Feels Pretty Good, Doesn't It?
The public is pretty upset about last week’s jury decision clearing accused child-murderess Casey Anthony of all but the most minor charges. Most people find an appropriate outlet for this rage, such as Facebook status updates or in the Lethe-like powers of alcohol. Some, however, express their animus through inappropriate displays like death threats.
Sadly, all those death threats don’t always find their intended targets. As it turns out, that there are one or two other Casey Anthonys running around out there. One of these is Casey Anthony of Darby, Pennsylvania, who has recently been receiving death threats from well-meaning, but moronic members of the public. This Casey Anthony, if people had bothered to check, is a dude–a goateed, bald black dude, who in fact bears only a passing resemblance to the clean-shaven, fully folliculate, infanticidal white chick.
Look, Color-Blindness And Gender Neutrality Have Their Place, But Don't Be An Idiot.
To make matters worse for ‘Good’ Casey, he’s not the only member of his family to have the name. It turns out that two of his sons are also named Casey Anthony.
Wait. What?
27 Monday Jun 2011
Tags
Americans of Singularity Descent, Amy Winehouse, Ayman al-Zawahiri, bad parents, bilingual, black holes, Chicago, corruption, death by drunk driving, dictators, flash mob, Frank McCourt, gender issues, headlines, human feces, Jackass, Julia Sweeney, Keith Richards, Libya, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mexican drug cartel, Minot, NATO, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, North Dakota, playground beatings, Ryan Dunn, San Francisco Giants, Snooki, Spelling Bee, thanks a lot mom, untouchables, Yoko Ono
Because who has time to read the articles, right?
One Of The Few Periodicals To Meet Our Exacting Journalistic Standards.
Parents keep child’s gender secret ~ Regardless of the creature’s gender, it’s destined to grow up to be a smug, self-righteous fucknugget like Mom & Dad.
“Thanks A Lot, Mom And Dad!”
The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.
‘I shot the cruellest dictator in the Americas ~ “But I did not shoot the deputy cruellest dictator in the Americas.”
Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could prevent the inevitable playground beatings.
Is Frank McCourt really the worst owner in baseball? ~ Does Ayman al-Zawahiri still own a controlling interest in the San Francisco Giants? Otherwise it’s Frank, hands down.
His Palatial Home Is Built Entirely From The Bones Of Kittens.
Death of 91-year-old spotlights line between care and killing ~ And, at 91, plain old bad luck.
Gingrich campaign hit by defections ~ We would like this a lot better if Newt were hit with ‘defecation.’
Ancient sea turtle discovered in N.J. ~ Sorry to get the scientists so hot & bothered for a false alarm, but you knew all that fake tanning would catch up to Snooki eventually.
If You’ve Never Gotten Really Drunk And Then Humped A Bright Orange Beach Ball, You Aren’t In A Position To Judge.
Love thy neighbor: Son’s killer moves next door ~ Find out what happens when people stop being polite…and start getting real. Thursdays at 10 PM on MTV.
Mexican cartels now using tanks ~ The world must act now before cartel scientists manage to create or steal enough fissionable material to create la bomba de gran tamaño.
Chicago Police Brace for ‘Flash Mob’ Attack ~Not to worry–the mob owns Chicago PD.
With A Combined Weight Of 678 Pounds And Only One Mustache Between Them, It Takes Four Untouchables To Equal One Modern-Day Chicago Cop.
Murdered woman recorded fight with husband before death ~ When you marry a woman who’s smarter than you are, you’re just asking for trouble.
Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’
NATO strike kills 15 Libyan civilians ~Considering Lockerbie, the Libyan people still owe the free world about 245 souls, give or take.
Black holes abound in early universe ~ We thought the world had moved past all this racist nonsense.
Amy Winehouse added to the list of biggest boos ~ Because, heaven knows, she’s not gonna make the list for ‘biggest boobs.’
It’s A Given That You Won’t Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No. But If We Paid For A Boob Job, Would You Go, Go, Go?
Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards ‘put his teeth back in with superglue’ ~ Then what happened?
4000 Minot homes to be swamped by day’s end ~ Dear God! Our sense of what is normal and right has been turned on its head. We had no clue that more than 150 people lived in Minot, North Dakota.
Friend remembers Ryan Dunn’s last moments ~ Really? Because it seems like those last moments were the worst.
“Someday The Mountain Might Get Me,” Dunn Told Perplexed Friends In The Days Before The ‘Accident,’ Swearing, “But The Law Never Will.”
17 Friday Jun 2011
Tags
breaking stuff, dignity, dweebs, Farmville, flash-riot, geeks, getting back at mom and dad, helpful hints, hockey riots, nerds, Promethean Times' ongoing commitment to treating all peoples and cultures with dignity and respect, riots, sense of entitlement, thanks a lot mom, Vancouver
The flash-riot has become a hallmark of our age of entitlement. It can therefore be helpful to at all times be aware of your image, lest you find yourself an object of humor at the expense of your human dignity.
Perhaps Mom & Dad Will Think Twice The Next Time They Decide To Ground Harrison From Playing Farmville.
31 Monday Jan 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
African-Americans, American mothers, Amy Chua, Asians of other than Chinese descent, bad parents, black people, childhood, China, Chinese mothers, cultural elitism, demanding parents, foot-binding, horrible jobs, infanticide, Latinos, Native Americans, parenting, preference for males in Chinese culture, racism, roundeyes, sacrificing youth, sinosuperiority, smug parents, superior mothers, sweatshops, tedium, thanks a lot mom, United States of America, Wall Street Journal, white people
Raise Your Hand If Yours Is A Life Of Joyless Tedium.
If you’ve been a student in any multi-ethnic society during the last twenty years, you may have noticed a particular scholastic trend among Asian students. They do better than you. Like most people, you probably figured that the Asian kids were simply smarter. While such an intellectual disparity may be possible–even likely, it only tells half the story. The secret to the Asian kid’s success isn’t simply her own intelligence, but that her parents are wildly superior to your lame-ass mom and dad.
The Chinese Way: Efficient, But Never At The Cost Of Human Dignity.
Or so says Amy Chua. Writing recently in the Wall Street Journal, Chua argues for the superiority of Chinese parenting, whose techniques she employs in her own parenting. The author happily boasts about regimenting her daughters’ lives, gleefully excising any activity which does not contribute directly toward a Harvard matriculation. Unlike lazy roundeye parents who place an inordinate value upon their children’s happiness and ability to control their own destinies, superior Chinese parents do things just a little bit differently. The only real difference between an Americanized child and one of Chua’s hyper-achievers is that the loafing yankee gets to have sleepovers, play a musical instrument other than the piano or violin, have unstructured free time and to participate in the various carefree activities which constitute a normal childhood.
Sure, Why WOULDN'T She Thank You, Mom?
As might be expected, Ms. Chua’s opinions are not shared by everyone. Many lackluster white, Latino, black and Asian-of-other-than-Chinese-descent mothers* take exception to Chua’s smarmy critique of their parenting.
Chua is dismissive of the idea that her behavior will cause her daughters to one day resent her. “They already resent me. I resent my mother, and she her mother before her. But as long as my girls graduate first in their class at Harvard and enter into a loveless power marriage, I’ll be satisfied.” When asked what would make her truly happy, Chua said, “Happiness is for chumps.”
Some observers note that Ms. Chua has not been completely honest when she claims to have raised her daughter in the traditional Chinese method. For example, it appears her daughters can walk without difficulty, indicating that Chua has likely eschewed the ancient tradition of foot-binding. Moreover, that the author has two daughters seems to fly in the face of her claims. In traditional Chinese culture the young ladies would have been drowned at birth, preserving the family’s precious resources for a much-more valuable boy child.
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