Ash Wednesday, Catholicism, God, ignorance, ignorance--it's what we do, Lent, protestant, true meanings of holidays, United States of America
We Americans are justly proud of our ignorance. Along with obesity and braggadocio, having our heads up our asses is the trait for which we are best known around the globe. Regardless whether you count yourself among these mouth-breathing legions of half-witted cretins, or rather, take pride in the fruits of your three semesters of community college, every American can bask in the oily thrill of being an ignoramus. Holidays like Ash Wednesday provide just such an opportunity.
Ash Wednesday marks the first day of Lent, 40 days of rigorous self-denial practiced by Catholics and also by some of the lamer protestant sects. Catholics, in particular, mark the day by smudging their foreheads with ash as a sign of atonement to a God Who is, after all, pretty vengeful.
Although you may be entirely familiar with the customs of this day, feigning ignorance should be simple enough.¹ When you see a friend, coworker or complete stranger with ash on his or her forehead, go ahead and ask about it. However, by no means should you ask with anything approaching decorum or propriety. We recommend Hey–what’s wrong with your forehead? or Dude–you’ve got some shit on your forehead! The good-natured among your Catholic friends won’t rise easily to the challenge, and may even patiently explain the scriptural significance of the ritual the first several times you loudly call attention to dirty foreheads. But with dedication, persistence and a little luck, you’ll have established your asshole bona fides by lunchtime. Go get ’em, tiger!
Haha. “Hey dude you got some shit on your forehead” shall be my catch phrase today.
Just read in the paper today that they’ll be taking the ash rubbing to the streets so people can get it on the go. Hope they don’t run out of ashes and need a replacement. There’s a lot of dog poo lying around outside…
Thanks, Crubin! Necessity is the mother of invention…
Alex Autin said:
Oh boo! I was in sick all day and missed out on Ass Wednesday. Maybe if I hurry I can run out to the corner convenience store in time to find someone with shit on their forehead….or dog poo. Actually, I like that line better….Dude, is that dog poo on your head?
Thanks, Alex–sorry you were sick. But just like there’s no right way to eat a Reese’s, there are many ways to be an ass!
“We Americans are justly proud of our ignorance”
I’m not ignorant. It’s not my fault the rest of the world sucks too much for me to pay attention to them. The rest of the world is only there to make America look better by compariso
That’s what WE’RE always saying!
El Guapo said:
I spent Ass Wednesday blind drunk at a Van Halen concert.
Dude, I suck.
Are you kidding? Dude, you rock. Okay, maybe a couple cool points are shaved off for seeing it in Indy (was the Mayberry show sold out?), but that’s awesome.
El Guapo said:
Hey, I now get to cross an entire state off my list of places to go.
We just wish we’d said something earlier. You already know you can skip the Dakotas, right?
El Guapo said:
Cool, thanks tardsie. I can replace it with Canada to make 50!
We still own that, right?
Absolutely we do.