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Tag Archives: God

Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

03 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

ADHD, Africa, alcoholism, backwater shithole, bad parents, bees, Benjamin Franklin, bigfoot, breastuses, cannabis, Cee-Loo Green, cheating, childish sexual innuendo, cryptids, death by party bus, death by smoking, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, economics, ecstasy, environmental crisis, exotic dancers, fibromyalgia, Friends, gay people, Germany, God, grass, hemp, Jane Austen, Justin Bieber, Kool-Aid, Lance Armstrong, legalize it, marijuana, Mexico, MILFs, monster trucks, Nazi Germany, neanderthals, New Jersey, opposable thumbs, Oprah Winfrey, performance-enhancing drugs, places that suck, Playboy, pornography, pot, pr0n, reefer, refugees, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, sexism, short people, skonks, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, smoking, strippers, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, the abysmal state of American public education, transplants, United States of America, weed, West Virginia, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

We Quite Literally Regard It As Something Of A Miracle That The World Is Peopled By So Many Strange And Beautiful Creatures For Us To Poke Fun At.

In which we talk a lot of shit.

***

15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!

Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?

The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”

What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.

What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”

‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass.  However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot ~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.

Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works ~ The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.

Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!

Ha! Well What Did She Think Would Happen When She Decided To Do Something Besides Teach School Until She Caught A Husband?

Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”

Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.

What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”

Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families ~ It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.

Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time ~ Because dad’s time is important.

Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.

Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.

Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.

Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.

Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.

He Only Hung Out With Kool-Aid ‘Cause He Was Mad For Tang.

What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?

Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.

African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ ~ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”

Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real ~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

***

Ass Wednesday: A Holiday Of Your Very Own

22 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

Ash Wednesday, Catholicism, God, ignorance, ignorance--it's what we do, Lent, protestant, true meanings of holidays, United States of America

By Smaktakula

Not This Kind, Silly. Today YOU Get To Be The Ass. It'll Be Fun!

We Americans are justly proud of our ignorance. Along with obesity and braggadocio, having our heads up our asses is the trait for which we are best known around the globe. Regardless whether you count yourself among these mouth-breathing legions of half-witted cretins, or rather, take pride in the fruits of your three semesters of community college, every American can bask in the oily thrill of being an ignoramus. Holidays like Ash Wednesday provide just such an opportunity.

"Oh Beautiful For Spacious Skies/For Amber Waves Of Grain/For Purple Mountain Majesties/Above The Fruited Plain..."

Ash Wednesday marks the first day of Lent, 40 days of rigorous self-denial practiced by Catholics and also by some of the lamer protestant sects. Catholics, in particular, mark the day by smudging their foreheads with ash as a sign of atonement to a God Who is, after all, pretty vengeful.

You Think He's Gonna Give Us A Lot Of Second Chances After What We Let Happen To His Boy?

Although you may be entirely familiar with the customs of this day, feigning ignorance should be simple enough.¹ When you see a friend, coworker or complete stranger with ash on his or her forehead, go ahead and ask about it. However, by no means should you ask with anything approaching decorum or propriety.  We recommend Hey–what’s wrong with your forehead? or Dude–you’ve got some shit on your forehead! The good-natured among your Catholic friends won’t rise easily to the challenge, and may even patiently explain the scriptural significance of the ritual the first several times you loudly call attention to dirty foreheads. But with dedication, persistence and a little luck, you’ll have established your asshole bona fides by lunchtime. Go get ’em, tiger!

"Yeah, I Get It. Please Shut Up Now."

¹Persons of Latin descent may experience additional difficulties in convincing people they know nothing of Catholicism. ∞ T.

Headlines 01.20.12

20 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Axl Rose, bad teeth, Beyonce Knowles, Blue Ivy Carter, breasts, breastuses, California, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, Chinese Democracy, Chris Paul, Clippers, congress, Costa Concordia, death by cruise ship, dope, drugs, God, grass, headlines, hemp, Hope, inbreeding, Japan, Jay-Z, marijuana, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Nakh-Nakh the Pig, pederasts, pot, Powerball, reefer, Rick Santorum, schadenfreude, sweet sweet cheeba, taint, Teen Mom, Vladimir Putin, weed

By Smaktakula

Turns Out It’s Dark, Foul And Full Of Sand.

In which we comment on contemporary headlines without first reading the articles:

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there?  Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there? — This has endless hours of comedy potential!

Blue Ivy Carter: Why Did Beyonce And Jay-Z Choose That Name? ~ More to the point, why do you care?

What Is College For? ~ Doing drugs, having sex with questionable people and generally putting off real life for five or six years.  And maybe learning something.  You know, whatever.

Don’t Get Excited, Folks–It’s Just Tobacco.

Chris Paul’s Christmas present to the Clippers: Hope ~ Hope isn’t worth what it once was.

Good Minus God ~ Is just ‘0’.

Teen Mom 2′ star pregnant ~ Being a brood sow is part of her contract.

LA arsons: ‘Right guy’ arrested, police chief says ~ You notice how they’ve never got the wrong guy, even when they do?

Photography: Big Beasts ~ We did a double-take as well, but that’s ‘Beasts,’ as in wild animals.

No Man Can Tame Those Magnificent Beasts.

Axl Rose completes jury duty ~ Not only did this endeavor take far less time than did the making of ‘Chinese Democracy,’ but the court transcript proved far easier on the ears.

Is $2 Powerball ticket worth it? ~ If you win it is.  Otherwise, no.

Santorum on the rise: I’m the electable one ~ And we think you’ll be the best darn PTA recording secretary that the Midville School District ever had.  Wait.  You don’t mean for President, do you?  President of the United States and Leader of the Free World?  Rick, what fucking drugs are you on?

Accused killer’s attorney argues inbreeding a factor in slaying ~  We’ve tried using the same excuse to beat traffic tickets.  It doesn’t work.

How to pick a cruise line for safety ~ Try to choose one that won’t drag you and your family to your briny graves on the seafloor.

Not This One, For Example.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses  say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

California Catholic bishop resigns, says he has 2 kids ~ At least he’s honest. A lot of clergymen have literally hundreds of kids before they’re caught.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks bigger in Japan.

3 cars hit woman in wheelchair ~ Some headlines are funny enough on their own without our help.

The Funny Comes Pre-Bundled.

More Topical Reading:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI

The Lord Not Quite Ready To Forgive Germany

08 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1972, anti-Kraut, anti-semitism, Belgium, dead German tourists, Final Solution, Florida, for reals we love the Germans, Germany, Germany's dark history, God, God hates the Germans, Holocaust, Jews, Krauts, Miami, Munich Olympics, the Almighty, United States of America

By Smaktakula

It's As If Suddenly God's Favor And Goodwill Went Up In A Cloud Of Smoke.

Back in the early 1990s, it seemed like German tourists in America couldn’t catch a break.  It’s hard to forget the spate of Miami slayings that had America’s German community on edge, and which prompted this publication to propose as a final solution to the crisis the immediate round-up of German nationals so that they could be sequestered for their own protection, and thereby gain a sort of freedom from their troubles through work.  Promethean Times’ calls went unheeded, and eventually the killings died down on their own.

It Can't Have Helped That God Was Watching The 1972 Olympics.

Although a hiatus in the killings was a relief to the governments of both the United States and Germany, the détente apparently proved a provocation for God Almighty.  It seems that Jehovah has recently chosen to singlehandedly renew the anti-Kraut campaign, smiting a German tourist with a bolt of lightning.

German Prices May Be Behind The Almighty's Wrath. According To One Witness, God Said Something About Germany Being "Hella Costy."

German advocacy groups were joined by religious leaders in expressing surprise and dismay at God’s decision to escalate hostilities.  It remains unclear just what the German people could have done that was so heinous as to earn the righteous and implacable enmity of the Lord of Lords.

…

Really?  You think He’s still mad about that?

Look, You Know He Has A Thing For Them.

Happy now, Belgium? ∞T.

Nothing Good Comes From Touching Yourself

21 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', choking the chicken, devil's handshake, Dixieland Jazz, Emil Haagerdäddi, flogging the dolphin, Genesis, God, Hurricane Katrina, jerking off, masturbation, Onan, onanism, porn, pr0n, San Francisco, scratching the weasel behind the ears, self-abuse, self-immolation, Sunday school, the Almighty

By Smaktakula

Back In The Day, The Worst Thing You Had To Worry About Was Going Blind.

Smaktakula’s long-ago Sunday school teacher was on to something–masturbation is a quick road to ruin.  A San Francisco man is fighting for his life after discovering the heartbreaking realities of the devil’s handshake.

The Lame Thing Is That Now It's Like Rubbing An Overcooked Tater Tot.

The  unidentified man apparently burst into flames while pleasuring himself at a local porn shop.  Details remain sketchy at this date, and authorities have yet to determine what precisely transformed the lonely degenerate into a human sparkler.  Two prominent theories have risen to the fore.

The first is based firmly in physics.  A sufficiently vigorous session of self-abuse, explains masturbation scientist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Reuben Spahnk Institute, could theoretically generate a heat sufficient to set human flesh ablaze.  Others call this notion absurd, pointing out that were such a phenomenon possible, most males would not survive beyond their junior high school years.

A far more likely culprit in the immolation is a wrathful God, Who has long held a position unfriendly to masturbation.  This anti-whacking injunction stretches all the way back to the 38th book of Genesis, where rather than impregnate his brother’s widow, a fellow named Onan takes matters into his own hands and “spills his seed upon the ground,” only to be struck dead by a decidedly unamused Deity.  To bolster their evidence, proponents of this theory claim that God has gained something of a reputation in recent years for an increasing activism, pointing to earlier incidents of vengeance such as the August 2005 episode which is widely believed to have resulted from the Almighty’s dissatisfaction with the current state of Dixieland Jazz.

San Francisco: It's Not Like They Haven't Been Warned.

Headlines 05.27.11

27 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apple, Buster Posey, chauvinism, comas, Dewey defeats Truman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, English isn't a real major, English majors, forgery, God, Harry S Truman, has-beens, headlines, Houston Astros, Ivy League, Jesus freaks, Johnny Depp, Juan Marichal, Judas Iscariot, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mickey Mouse, misogyny, Navy SEALs, New Testament, Oprah Winfrey, porn stars, psychopath, retard, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, STDs, Stephen Hawking, Steven Tyler, Thomas Dewey, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.

Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.

***

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident.  We thought someone had already told you.  Sorry.

Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.

For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.

Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.

Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.

Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.

Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.

Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.

French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!

‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’  There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.

US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.

How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.

Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy.  Trust us.

Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite?  The devil you say!

Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.

Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.

The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.

We’ve done this kind of thing before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV

Helpful Hints: Judgement Day

13 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

afterlife, death, God, Heaven, Hell, helpful hints, Judgement Day, punishment, revenge, the Almighty, the Devil, wrath of God

By Smaktakula

Artist's Depiction: God's Actual Wrath May Vary.

When upon death your immortal soul is held in balance as you stand before the Almighty, it might be fun to say:

Who are you to play God, anyway?

Oh, right!  My bad.

He’ll probably get a big kick out of it.  No, it won’t do anything save your wretched, hellbound soul, but at least you’ll have a story to tell the Devil.

"Yeah, You're One Witty Guy. How About A Ten-Year Stretch In Studio Macarena, Funnyman?"

Hey, Macarena!

Happy Thoughts For Friday: Dee-Vine Justice

19 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Divine Justice, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, God, God Hates Fags, happy thoughts, homophobia, judge not lest ye be judged, Judgement Day, religious intolerance, retribution, Reverend Fred Phelps, Sugartits, that asshole who demonstrates at the funerals of soldiers, the Almighty, Westboro Baptist Church

By Smaktakula

When notoriously unfriendly douchebag Reverend Fred Phelps finally shuffles off this mortal coil and meets the Almighty, wouldn’t it be super if He looked like this?

"I Hate WHAT? Oh No. Oh No You Di'nt. Oh No, Girlfriend--You Did NOT Just Say That!"

Hey now, Sugartits–you ever play a game called ‘Where’s the serpent?’

Does God Exist?

08 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

burning bush, cultural cockroach, God, gold digger, higher power, I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?, John Lennon, Lolcats, Lotrimin, Mark David Chapman, meal ticket, performance artists, proving the existence of God, the Almighty, the woman who destroyed the Beatles, Tokyo, untalented stars, Why God? Why?, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

The Revelatory Powers Of A Burning Bush Are Legendary. Fortunately, Lotrimin Produces An Ointment Which Will Help Soothe The Itching And Discomfort.

Such a fundamentally contentious issue as the existence of a higher power, despite that the question must be answerable by either a yes or no, is too complex to answer neatly in a few short paragraphs, and frankly, more than a little beyond our intellectual safety zone.

Promethean Times is always eager to let our readers do the intellectual hard work.  Leaving the question in your capable hands, we present a single piece of evidence both for and against the existence of the Almighty.

For: Lolcats.

He's Asking For A Cheeseburger, But It's Comically Misspelled! Could You Just Die?

Against: The continuing existence of Yoko Ono.

Tenaciously Managing To Survive Both The Firebombing Of Tokyo And Mark David Chapman's Point-Blank Slaying Of Her Meal-Ticket Husband, This Shrieking Cultural Cockroach Will Outlive Us All.

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