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Tag Archives: ignorance

Russia Narrowing Stupidity Gap

13 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, News

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

alien abductions, America's edge in stupidity, brilliant dirty weirdos, hygiene, ignorance, national stupidity, places that suck, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, Soviet Union, space program, UFO abductions, United States of America, USSR, Why am I so stupid?, Yuri Gagarin

By Smaktakula

Russia Has Long Since Overtaken The United States In Both Skankery And Malodorous Body Funk. Must America Also Cede Her Edge In Catastrophic Idiocy?

The United States is universally lampooned for among other things its hyper-religiosity, the public’s embarrassingly prevalent belief in alien abductions and for the inability of one-fifth of its population to locate the nation on a map. Labelled for so long as ignorant by the rest of the world and by elite, self-loathing Yanks, many Americans have come to accept as true their global inferiority in all matters intellectual. However, in what is sure to be welcome news to Americans, it appears that the Russian people may be even more dim-witted and liquor-dissipated than their hygienic Western counterparts.

“Is True. Dr. Grigori May Be Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo, But Is Not Typical Russian. Typical Russians Is Not Brilliant.”

This assertion is bolstered by the news that in Russia–Russia! The nation that beat the US into space!—1 in 3 adults believes that the sun revolves around the earth.

Declassified Soviet Documents Reveal The Real Reason For Russia’s Interest In Space: They Believed The Aether Was Filled With Life-Giving Vodka.

Ireland The PT Way!

12 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

Belfast, Catholicism, Derry, dope, drunken Irishmen, Edna Kenny, Eire, grass, hemp, ignorance, inebriate, IRA, Ireland, Irish Potato Famine, Irish Republican Army, Lucky Charms, Micks, Northern Ireland, or did we get those colors reversed?, Portrush, pot, proddies, protestant, reefer, Republic of Ireland, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, sweet sweet cheeba, Taoiseach, the French, the Troubles, They're magically delicious!, ugly Americans, Ulster, Unionists, weed, Why am I so drunk?

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Ireland: A Nice Place To Visit, Even If You're Mostly Sober.

Before we get started, we should confess something: despite the cruel, ignorant and generally irresponsible things we say about people, places and things, it may surprise our readers to know that we hold in great affection many of those very subjects we skewer so mercilessly.¹ Chief among these beloved foils are the Irish. Although we will continue to mock these hapless, potato-munching inebriates until our dying day, the fact that Tardsie and Smaktakula have between them made a combined five trips to the Emerald Isle should to a large degree demonstrate Promethean Times‘ love for the Micks.

Edna Kenny (Seen Here At Breakfast) Was Recently Appointed Taoiseach (Prime Minister) For The Republic Of Ireland.

The Irish are a warm, gregarious people, who, despite the startling number of fistfights in which they regularly engage, are rightly known for their genial natures. Although theirs is a bittersweet history, full of famines, oppression and drunkenness, it’s difficult not to admire a people so foul-mouthed that old ladies use the Lord’s name more often in casual conversation than does Pat Robertson,  and whose priests are known to remark “If it’s yer head you’ll be wantin’ kicked in, ya wee shite, then go ahead and touch me fookin’ pint a second time.”

Straight Up: You Won't Be Getting His Lucky Charms Without One Hell Of A Fight.

The Irish are further unique in that, for whatever reason, they genuinely seem to be fond of Americans. Promethean Times wishes to encourage this special relationship by fostering an even greater understanding between Irish people and their more sober American cousins. With this in mind, we offer these American-specific travel tips for visiting Éire.

Don't Let It Worry You--Irishmen Are Sweethearts. In Another Five Minutes You'll Be Lifelong Pals. Just The Same, You Shouldn't Count On Him Never Again Punching You In The Face.

  • The Irish are proud of their culture. Show them you’re proud of it, too. If you even have one Irish ancestor, no matter how far removed, share this news with your new Mick friends by declaring, “I’m Irish, too!” They love that.
  • Break the ice by tackling a short person and demanding he lead you to his pot of gold, or at the very least, kick you down a bowl of sugary cereal for your trouble.

Look, It's Nothing Personal, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, It's Just That We Don't Think You're Temperance Society Material.

  • Black Irish doesn’t mean “black people.” Having said that, there are Irishmen of African descent. Smaktakula had the opportunity to meet them, and they were both really cool.
  • Although the Irish people insist on seeing their culture as wholly distinct and separate from that of the Scots, they don’t mind at all that you don’t. Go ahead and let them how much you enjoyed Braveheart.
  • The Irish love a laugh. It’s perfectly acceptable to point out that the word “Gaelic” sounds a lot like “Gay-Lick.”
  • The Irish will be delighted if you accost them on the street for the sole purpose of hearing them say, “They’re magically delicious.”  Famously patient, they’ll happily oblige you a second time when you demand, “No–do it right!”

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...

Special tips for travelling in Northern Ireland:

  • Your choice of drink can say a lot, so choose one respectful of Irish culture. Although Irish car bombs are, along with straight whiskey, famously the national refreshment, when in Northern Ireland, the savvy drinker orders a Black & Tan.
  • Irish people can sometimes be melancholy, particularly in the north. If anyone mentions ‘the Troubles,’ tell ’em, “You think you’ve got troubles? I’m consumed by credit card debt and my lousy job is killing me! At least you get to sit around all day and drink!”

The Quaint Northern Town Of Portrush, Or As Tardsie Calls It, "POTrush." But That's A Story For Another Day.

  • In Northern Ireland, knowing your colors can be the difference between life and death: When you’re in Catholic areas, be sure to sport your Unionist orange, but just as quickly switch to green when you’re hanging with the proddies.
  • If you’re looking to place your money offshore by investing in foreign financial products, you could do a lot worse than to look into an Irish IRA. Irish professionals spend most of their office hours in local pubs, and financial advisors are no different. Try asking around at different pubs in Belfast or Derry for some information about the IRA (remember to pronounce it by the initials when you’re in N. Ireland, and not like a wimpy man’s name, as in America). It’s the damnedest thing–everyone you speak to will deny knowing anything about it, but if you ask around long enough, the right people WILL find you.

Folks, Whether You Realize It Or Not, The World Is Just One More Potato Famine Away From Being Up To Its Eyeballs In The Irish.

¹We weren’t talking to you, Frenchie, so sit your ass down. Nobody here called for a snail-eating surrender-monkey. < S.

Ass Wednesday: A Holiday Of Your Very Own

22 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

Ash Wednesday, Catholicism, God, ignorance, ignorance--it's what we do, Lent, protestant, true meanings of holidays, United States of America

By Smaktakula

Not This Kind, Silly. Today YOU Get To Be The Ass. It'll Be Fun!

We Americans are justly proud of our ignorance. Along with obesity and braggadocio, having our heads up our asses is the trait for which we are best known around the globe. Regardless whether you count yourself among these mouth-breathing legions of half-witted cretins, or rather, take pride in the fruits of your three semesters of community college, every American can bask in the oily thrill of being an ignoramus. Holidays like Ash Wednesday provide just such an opportunity.

"Oh Beautiful For Spacious Skies/For Amber Waves Of Grain/For Purple Mountain Majesties/Above The Fruited Plain..."

Ash Wednesday marks the first day of Lent, 40 days of rigorous self-denial practiced by Catholics and also by some of the lamer protestant sects. Catholics, in particular, mark the day by smudging their foreheads with ash as a sign of atonement to a God Who is, after all, pretty vengeful.

You Think He's Gonna Give Us A Lot Of Second Chances After What We Let Happen To His Boy?

Although you may be entirely familiar with the customs of this day, feigning ignorance should be simple enough.¹ When you see a friend, coworker or complete stranger with ash on his or her forehead, go ahead and ask about it. However, by no means should you ask with anything approaching decorum or propriety.  We recommend Hey–what’s wrong with your forehead? or Dude–you’ve got some shit on your forehead! The good-natured among your Catholic friends won’t rise easily to the challenge, and may even patiently explain the scriptural significance of the ritual the first several times you loudly call attention to dirty foreheads. But with dedication, persistence and a little luck, you’ll have established your asshole bona fides by lunchtime. Go get ’em, tiger!

"Yeah, I Get It. Please Shut Up Now."

¹Persons of Latin descent may experience additional difficulties in convincing people they know nothing of Catholicism. ∞ T.

The Myriad Faces Of Gay

30 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

Billie Jean King, Camaros, don't hate us because we're ignorant, fanny pack, fun with stereotypes, gay athletes, gay people, Greg Louganis, happy, homosexuality, ignorance, Jewish people, lame, Liberace, male figure skaters, multiple meanings, Richard Simmons

By Smaktakula

Like so much of the English language, ‘Gay’ has a variety of connotations.  Here are the three most common definitions, told with pictures rather than words.

1) Oldest Definition.

Generally considered archaic.

Ex: The joys of the Christmas season left everyone feeling quite gay.

***

2) Contemporary definition.

Not just happy–Fabulous.

Ex: Evan’s not very good at sports because he’s gay.*

*

*

*

***

   3) Pejorative Definition.

Most recent variant, circa 1980s.

Ex: He’s got a tattoo of a Camaro on his back, and it’s super-fucking gay.

***

Some rare and wondrous creatures manage to embody all three definitions simultaneously:

*

Richard Simmons: 1) Gay, 2) Gay, 3) Really Fucking Gay.

*A note to potentially offended readers: It should be obvious that any implication that gay people make poor athletes is intended for humorous purposes, and does not reflect the actual opinions of Promethean Times.  In fact there have been many outstanding homosexual athletes, including Billie Jean King, Greg Louganis and any male figure skater who ever lived.
We regret any offense we may have caused to gay athletes.  The real reason Evan isn’t any good at sports is because he’s Jewish. ∞T.

Smaktakula Returns ‘For Love Of Promethean Times’

14 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by tardsie in Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

bitches, Chad, groupies, grovelling, ignorance, Mohandas Gandhi, outright lies, schadenfreude, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, stalkers, that trick never works, Why am I so stupid?

By Tardsie

If You Think About It, Except For Being A Little, Bald, Dead Indian Dude, Smaktakula Is A Lot Like Gandhi.

Smaktakula’s legion of slavishly devoted fans, groupies and stalkers will be delighted to know that Promethean Times’ head writer has reconsidered his decision to retire from journalism to pursue a life of boundless hedonism and degenerate self-gratification.  Regarding  the change of heart, Smaktakula says, “I felt I was needed here.”

As proof of  his intentions, Smaktakula announced that he has bequeathed his Chadian bonanza to several worthwhile charities: “Let’s see . . . the retarded kids, I think . . .and uh, I’m pretty sure Jerry’s Kids–there’s something wrong with them, right?–and–and kids with no heads.  Look, you said you’d stick to the questions we agreed upon.”  Moreover, Smaktakula has also donated the remaining funds in his checking account, including the $4,500 his Aunt Lois gave him after he finally completed a treatment program.

Smaktakula Was Forced To Sell Many Of His Objects d'Art To Settle A Few Outstanding Bills.

Knowing that his money is helping retards and kids with no heads has been a profound emotional experience for Smaktakula.  “When I think about it,” he says, “I break down and cry like a little baby.”  This author was treated to such a display after arriving ten minutes early for our interview; Smaktakula lay on the cold, stone floor of his apartment in his mother’s garage, fetal and twitching.  After he was covered with a blanket, the pitiable wretch became calmer, at which point it was a matter of waiting out his quiet, snuffling sobs.

Smaktakula is delighted to be back in the saddle, but hopes that no one was offended by the quotations he claims were misattributed to him by Promethean Times.  “I never called anyone ‘bitches,'” he argues.  “I said ‘witches,’ as in evil practitioners of the occult and concubines of Satan himself.”  He adds, “Which I am totally, completely and 100% against.”

For Having Been The Recipient Of Such A Gift, Smaktakula Is Surprisingly Ungenerous To Chad: "Those People Can Rot In Hell!"

Smaktakula Is Super-Freaking Rich

13 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Africa, African strongmen, Chad, Croesus, delusion, gazillionaires, greed, ignorance, Lottery tickets, Nigeria, Nigerian email scam, pimp-cup, playing the lottery as an investment, poor math skills, Promethean Times, Scrooge McDuck, self-deception, Smaktakula, We trust Wikipedia as far as we can throw it, wealth, Wikipedia

By Tardsie

No Longer Able To Enjoy The Simple Pleasures Of The Little People, Rich Dudes Like Smaktakula Do Increasingly Bizarre Things In Search Of Fulfillment.

Smaktakula announced at a press conference today that he is “Super-freaking rich” and that he is now “finally living the life I deserve.”  He punctuated this with, “Who’s laughing now, bitches?”,  which he followed up with “Nobody, that’s who.”  He then took a long draught from his pimp-cup and sprayed the audience, who in light of the author’s newfound status, could only sit there and take it.

Smaktakula: His Mind On His Money And His Money On His Mind.

Yesterday morning, a simple electronic message changed Smaktakula’s life forever, when fate plucked him from the soul-crushing poverty that ensnares most of the people reading this article, setting him gently upon the gilded pedestal reserved for the world’s elite.  It seems that a certain African leader, whose identity has yet to be revealed, must quickly get his funds out of the country in the face of an oncoming coup.

Is This Smaktakula's Mysterious Benefactor? Maybe.

For reasons too murky for Smaktakula to follow, the strongman intends to place his vast fortune into Smaktakula’s checking account. For rendering this service, Smaktakula will be allowed to keep roughly 10% of the despot’s $25 million fortune.  “Imagine what I could do with $250,000,” the ex-writer crowed, “I could buy 250,000 lottery tickets and double or even triple my fortune!”

Smaktakula's Financial Strategies Will Make Him As Rich As Croesus.

Smaktakula dismisses as sour grapes the many, many warnings he has received from people he thought were his friends that his recent good luck is an email scam.  The blogger, who describes himself as a “super-genius–way smarter than you,” is not worried.  “I did my research, and I know about Nigerian scams,” he says.  “This email comes from N’Djamena, Chad–which is a whole different country.  I checked it out on Wikipedia.  It’s legit.”

"Chad." It Sounds Fake To Us, Too. But Nope, It's A Real Country.

Smaktakula has provided his account information as requested, and since then has been eagerly checking his balance every five minutes or so.  To his former readers at Promethean Times, the gazillionaire had this to say: “So long, paupers!  If you ever see me around here again, you can bet that I fucked up real bad!”

It IS Pretty Unbelievable!

Basketball Players’ Assault On Cheerleader Kinda Funny If You Think About It

22 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Amanda Hanneman, assault, Basketball, cheerleaders, disgraced athletes, double standards, homophobia, hypocrisy, ignorance, Jessra Johnson, male cheerleaders, objectifying women, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, thugs, University of Missouri

By Smaktakula

Cheerleaders Should Be Objectified, Not Attacked.

Disgusting.  Vile.  Hateful.  These were a few of the words which sprung to many people’s minds when they first heard that two University of Missouri basketball players had assaulted a cheerleader.  According to the police report, the two senior forwards are alleged to have broken the victim’s nose.

Amanda Hanneman: Clearly More Interested In Peace Than In Beating Up Cheerleaders.

The shocking revelation that the cheerleader was a male and his attackers women injected some well-needed levity into the situation, and also highlighted the victim’s undeniable courage in both reporting this assault and in admitting to being a male cheerleader.

Someday The World Will Recognize You For The Trailblazing Pioneer That You Are. Homo.

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