By Tardsie
Wow. Why Not Start Tomorrow Off With Some Decaf?
In which we offer some classic comebacks.
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So funny I forgot to laugh.
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Well, that’s what you say.
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Yeah, that’s a good one. Hey, I used to have a shirt like that, but then my dad got a job!
Well, I Am What I Eat, After All--That's Why You're A Dick.
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When God was handing out ‘brains,’ you were back in line getting seconds on ‘mouth.’
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I’d cut you down, but shit don’t slice.
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Har-Dee-Har-Har. You’re quite the comedian.
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You think you’re so cool. But you know what? You’re not!
Can't Hear This? Then Maybe I Should Turn It Up.
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That was funny. LIKE IN FIRST GRADE!
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I’d engage you in a battle of wits, but I make it a practice not to fight an unarmed man.
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I don’t get it.
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That’s what your mother said.
I Don't Have A Mom; Me And My Dad Use Yours.
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Talk to the hand.
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Real mature. That’s just sooooo mature.
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I know you are but what am I? (repeat)
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Fuck you, you fucking fucker!
"Um, Okay. But Maybe I'll Just Burn Down The Building."
Promethean Times 
Why is it I can so clearly hear Pee Wee Herman saying every one of these….except for that last one. Oh wait, isn’t that what he said when he was arrested in Florida?
Ha ha! Actually, he said “Can you give me a hand here? This is a sticky situation.” Sorry.
Pee Wee’s a big baseball fan as it turns out. Yeah, he likes the Yankees. (Boom!TSSSSS!)
Gee, some of those date back to my childhood days. They really must be classics. Har-Dee-Har-Har!
We said they were ‘classics.’ We never made any claims that they were winners! Surely, however, you must concede the sophisticated and rapier-like wit of ‘Fuck you, you fucking fucker!’ Tardsie came up with that one all by himself!
I’ve always been partial to “Very nice. Did your parents have any children who lived?”
That is a good one. It reminds me of a time when a friend of mine asked a dude, “Does your family tree branch?”
The guy was a real piece of work, and said, “Huh?”
My friend patiently said, “Does your family tree branch out?” He traced a branching pattern with his fingers in the air. “Or,” he said, switching to circles, “Is it a bunch of loops and whorls?”
The guy thought about it for a moment, then said, “It branches.”
The moment was completely lost on the guy.
Hahaha, so funny! Haven’t heard some of those since I was a little kid. I must print this out and keep a copy on me at all times, for emergencies. Like, this weekend past some complete dickwad criticised my parenting skillz randomly, and while I did respond to his dickwaddery fairly effectively, as soon as the exchange was over, I thought of, like, fifty cooler more cutting things I could have said. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!
“I’d cut you down, but shit don’t slice.” That would have worked nicely.
http://www.cakesandshakes.wordpress.com
Ugh, don’t get me started on people who want to tell you how to parent. Let me guess, he (or she, but dickwad indicates maleness) has no children of his own?
No idea, he was with his girlfriend in a bakery and my daughter, who is legally blind (and only nine) pushed him to get a look at some cake (in fairness she is not really able to talk very well either) – and when his girlfriend made a sour face, he went on the attack (“how are you raising her???” etc.) Believe me I gave him a dressing down. He apologised, but I fear asshole-dom is innate and irrevocable in some… still, I think of all the things I should have said to him!! Hate judgy peoples.
He sounds like a real cock. Playing devil’s advocate, there have been many times when I’ve said things to people that, if I’d only considered the statement for a few more seconds, I never would have said.
I recall one time shortly after I’d turned 18. I was at a YMCA in a therapy pool which was supposed to be for adults and people with disabilities. But there was a kid in there, really annoying, making a lot of noise. You probably see where this is going, but I was young and stupid, and went to complain about the kid in the pool. The dude in charge looked at me like I was something he’d scraped off the bottom of his shoe. “That little boy has cerebral palsy,” he said.
I offered a stunned, greasy apology and slunk out. I never could bring myself to come back.
So Mr. Asshole may still be feeling it today.
I’ve always been a fan of “Fuck you, you fuck!” While it’s similar to one you mentioned above, this version has the added bonus of being a palindrome, (for folks who don’t actually know the definition of “palindrome”).
LOL! Any comeback containing the word ‘fuck’, or any variation thereof, is good….palindrome or not. I’m fond of…..’I’m kinda busy right now. Do you mind if I fucking ignore you later?’
That’s good! I think the profanity acts like msg in these cases. No, it’s not the right thing to do, but it just makes it better.
RE: Palindrome–I think EVERYBODY knows the name of Sarah Palin’s Alaskan death-fortress, Some Guy!