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Tag Archives: white trash

Sad Thoughts: Remunerative Inequality

15 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

alcohol, bad decisions, Beer Goggles, celebriskanks, life is a cruel bitch sometimes, poor impulse control, reality television, schadenfreude, unlike your 15 minutes of fame a child lasts forever, wasted life, white trash, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Bummer: The wayward strumpets on MTV’s Teen Mom get paid a lot more than you do.

This Child Is A Living Testament That, Given Enough Liquor, A Man Will Hump Just About Anything.

“Have you met my kids?  The older boy’s named Beer Goggles and this is my daughter, Regretta.  The little one’s Cody.”

Schadenfreuderiffic! At least she’s going to jail! ∞ T.

Is Your Child Predisposed To Methamphetamine?

11 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

bad parents, crank, drugs, meth, methamphetamine, poor judgement, white trash, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

If this is your high school senior portrait, then yes, he is:

Cole And Ashley Are Quite Literally Cranking Them Out.

Preservin’ That Hillbilly Heritage

14 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

America's Funniest Home Videos, Arby's KFC, bad parents, Canada, denim diapers, do-nothings, fauxhawks, hillbillies, Hometown Trough, Indiana, methamphetamine, mullets, No Fear, places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, professional wrestling, rednecks, Tapout, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, white trash, White Trash Diaspora, WTD, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Nobody Said Being A Parent Would Be Easy. In Fairness, Though--It Was Clearly Implied. We're Not Blaming Anyone, We're Just Saying That In A Very Real Way It's Your Fault.

We totally get it. You’re damn proud of your white trash pedigree, and want to pass that culture on to the young’uns. Originally confined to the South and most parts of Indiana, the White Trash Diaspora (WTD) has spread throughout the 48 contiguous non-freak states and Canada. And with white trash mommas birthing larger litters every year, redneck cultural historians say it is more important than ever that this vital slice of American whitebread be “preserved for posterior.”

Maybe you think that as a parent, you’ve done everything you can to teach little Cody or Ashley about this proud legacy: exposing them to endless hours of TV, heavy on Two and a Half Men, America’s Funniest Home Videos, rasslin’ and fine reality programming; dressing them appropriately in No Fear and TapouT t-shirts, and taming their fauxhawks and mullets with bulk-bought gel; enjoying regular family dinners at Arby’s, The Hometown Trough, or for really special occasions, Dave & Busters. But ask yourself: in the face of cultural dilution, is this enough?

You've Been Preparing For Your Financial Future--But What About Your Child's Future?

On the surface it may appear so. Sure, your toddler is a toothless, intolerant do-nothing who speaks incomprehensible English and lives off the charity of others–but can you guarantee he’ll stay that way?

Look–there are no guarantees in life. Despite an upbringing of rural squalor in a meth-rich environment lacking even the most basic amenities, there will always be those horror stories about kids who grow up with wild-eyed dreams of a better life. So while there’s no way to completely ensure that your boy will play football and not soccer, you can nevertheless stack the cards in your favor by starting when he’s young. May we suggest as a first step these ultra-boss denim diapers? Not only will they keep baby shit out of the carpet for a few hours, but Junior will look hella tough.

'Cause, Hey--Sometimes You Shit Your Levi's, Too.

Stereotypes: What About The Good Ones?

27 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

Asians, Belgium, black people, Canadians, Etruscans, family values, fun with stereotypes, gay people, ignorance--it's what we do, Kentucky, kung-fu, Latinos, Mayans, Mississippi, Poland, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, stereotypes, Sumerians, the French, we're all the same, white man's overbite, white people, white trash, whitey, whitey can't dance

By Smaktakula

It's A Fact: Straight White Guys Dance Like Assholes.

For as long as there have been different cultures, there have been cruel stereotypes about those cultures. In ancient times the Sumerians were  believed to be penny-pinchers, the Mayans considered bad guests who wouldn’t leave, and Etruscans were accused of  “dressing too faggy.” Even in modern times, there are some¹ who propound the rumor that Belgian people have belly buttons which are neither innies nor outies, but rather prehensile tentacles which the Belgians use to drain fluid from the organs of the handicapped victims who are their natural prey.

Of course, as any grade-school teacher will tell you, there’s no truth in any stereotype. Stereotypes are just a symptom of fear, a fear which stems from ignorance of other people and cultures. Once a person is exposed to the culture he believes so frightening, he will quickly come to understand that people the world over are exactly the same.²

There are those who say that all stereotypes are injurious, even those of a ‘positive’ nature. Positive or not, these critics contend, stereotypes still serve to distort perceptions and contribute to the widening of various cultural schisms.

You decide.

Asians–Is it really such a handicap to be judged intelligent solely on the basis of your race?  It might be unfair to the morons within the culture, but as we know, Asian morons (or ‘the uninterrigent,’ as they’re known in the Far East) are exceedingly rare. Also, it’s not a bad thing if people avoid fucking with you in the off-chance that you’re a kung-fu master.

These Stanford Cardiologists Take A Break From Their Busy Work Schedule.

Gay men–Folks think you’re a good dancer, even when you’re not.

"You Are The Dancing Queen/Young And Sweet/Only Seventeen"

The French–No good stereotypes exist for the French. About the best thing we can say is that if you scrub ’em down real good, you’ll find out they’re actually Swiss.

There's No Call For This. Clearly, We're Letting Our Francophobia Get The Better Of Us.

White people–Even the most destitute piece of  poor white trash wandering the back hollows of Mississippi is secretly believed by the other races³to be a member of an illuminati-like conspiracy of world-shaking power brokers.  Also, traffic stops rarely end in a beating.

Although This Old Photo Proved An Embarrassment To Senator McWilliams of Kentucky, He Successfully Won Re-Election On A 'No More Immigrants!' Platform.

Latinos–Many positive stereotypes are attributed to persons of Latin descent.  “He works like a Mexican” is a compliment, and one has only to see 23 people crammed into a two-bedroom apartment to know that the family is paramount in Latin culture.  Also, they make great soccer players.

Illegal? Not In The Carpool Lane.

Canadians–Do you folks really mind being thought of as smarter, cleaner, more polite Americans?

"Why Are You So Dirty, Stupid And Rude, Eh?"

The Polish–Tardsie has been to Poland. He says that everything you’ve heard is true.

How Do You Break A Pole's Finger?

Black dudes–Hell yeeeeaaaaaah.

But It's Not For The Kids To Play With, You Know What We're Sayin'?

¹Us, mostly. ∞ T.
²Irrespective of the truth, it’s what you’re supposed to say. ∞ T.
³Most Asians either know or suspect the truth, but will likely play along. ∞ T.

An Ode To Snooki

23 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

famous for nothing, herpes, Jersey Shore, Nicole Polizzi, Oompa-Loompas, skanks, Snooki, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, untalented stars, Valtrex, what IS the singular of Cheetos?, white trash

By Smaktakula

Snooki's Not Wearing Leather; That's Her Skin.

Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi’s time in the spotlight must soon come to an end. Her fifteen minutes of infamy draws inevitably to a close, as the public’s short attention span casts an obscuring shadow over the stars of yesteryear,  even those–among whom Snooki cannot count herself–with actual talent. However unlikely it may seem now, this braying product of a messy one-night-stand between a Cheeto and an Oompa-Loompa will one day go away.

This is our simple tribute to her.

***

This Is What It Looks Like When A Beach Ball Dresses Up Like Slash For Halloween.

If You Like Mixed Drinks, Why Not Try A Whining Orgasm Or Herpes On The Beach?

Sure, It Comes With A Price, But Sucking Off Every Jon Bon Jovi Impersonator In The Tri-State Area Is A Labor Of Love.

Plus, She Can't Take A Punch.

"HURRRRRRRR!"

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
We’ve got a funny question for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah duss
If you are wise you’ll listen to us
What do you get from being on TV?
A miserly check and a credit or three
Why don’t you try simply curtailing the sex?
Or do you just adore Valtrex?
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no breakouts
Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
Since you are greedy you will go far
You will never find happiness
Like the Oompa Loompa give a rat’s ass

What Won’t Paula Deen Fry?

15 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

fat, fat people, fried butter balls, fried foods, grease, heart disease, Jabba the Hutt, lard, obesity, oil, Paula Deen, suet, The South, unhealthy diets, whippets, white trash, Why am I so fat?, wideload

By Smaktakula

Paula Enjoys A Delicious Snack Of Sugared Veal Fat Fried In Hog Oil.

White trash TV personality Paula Deen thinks that if it’s worth eating, it’s worth eating fried.  To Deen there exists no substance which could not be improved with breading and a fifteen-minute soak in molten hog lard.  As evidence, we present Paula’s recipe for fried butter balls.  For you folks watching your weight, don’t worry–Paula cuts the butter with a little cream cheese.

Deen can afford to be adventurous.  At 64 years old, she has long outlived the life-expectancy afforded by her diet.  What won’t she fry?

Frying It In Bacon Fat Helps Keep That Orange Shit Off Your Fingers.

If You Don't Want To Fry It, You Can Always Participate In Another Tradition Of The South, And Get Real High By Sucking The Nitrous Out Of The Can.

Pork Rinds: Even Better When Fried A Second--Or A Third--Time.

Lard Mixed With Raw Sugar Works Better, But What The Heck, Right?

Just Kidding About This One. We Thought We'd Try To Slip It Past You.

Marry Me, Stupid

26 Thursday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, cousin love, crackers, dead celebrities, Emil Haagerdäddi, incest, love, marriage, Maury Povich, normals, paternity tests, poor people, rednecks, rich people, sister-marryin', smart people, stupid people, white trash, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father

By Smaktakula

The Whitaker-Whitaker Wedding Was The Biggest Shindig Taint Junction Had Seen In Living Memory. The Kids Gorged Themselves On Mayonnaise-Fried Ho-Hos, While The Adults Stood Around Drinking Turpentine From Dixie Cups.*

Throughout history, marriage has held a special place in human society.  It is one of the unique links that unites not just the different peoples of the world, but also every strata of society within individual cultures.  The rich marry, and so do the poor.  Matrimony is enjoyed by the intelligent, and by the very stupid, too.

Although the institution of marriage or some form of monogamy is nearly universal, there are vast gulfs in the way different cultures and subcultures perceive marriage.  In the West, by far the most interesting relationships are between the very dumb.  Virtually every aspect of these dimwitted relationships–the laughter, the crying, the acrimonious arguments at 2:00 AM on the front stoop–is fodder for a voyeuristic public.

Anna Nicole Was Dumb Enough To Go Down On A Microphone, And Yet She Too Found Love. Alas, It Hardly Matters As She's Dead Now.

A Florida couple, just starting out on love’s meth-addled journey, have provided fresh swill for the trough.  The unidentified man and his intended found a way to share with the whole town the good news of their retarded union.

Wanting to declare his love in writing, but rather than employ a method so prosaic as a note, the retarded Romeo spray-painted his proposal on the garage door of a Lehigh Acres home: ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME ALISON?’  The home was not his own.  Alison responded with a spray-painted affirmative.

The Mating Call Of The Red-Throated Methsucker.

“The choice of location is appropriate,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman Emeritus of the University of Kentucky’s Department of Real American Studies and author of Crackers, Rednecks and Hicks: White Trash Culture in These United States.  “I surmise that the young man’s home–most likely his grandmother’s trailer–is in some way an unsuitable canvas for his purposes.”

Sometimes Temporary Unions Form In Which Only One Partner Is A Moron. In At Least One Instance, This Has Resulted In Teenage Mutant Ninja Herpes.

Unions between idiots are generally encouraged by society, as it keeps feeble genes within certain communities, and limits their introduction among the normals.  Haagerdäddi claims that these fears are overblown, since “These mouth-breathers often lack a chromosome or two, rendering them incapable of reproduction.  They’re essentially mules with opposable thumbs.”

The Doctor cautions, however, that “When they are able to breed, they breed like rabbits.”

The Maury Povich Show Is A Great Resource, Providing Paternity Tests The Unintelligent. We're Rooting For This Guy!

* Or as they’re called in those parts, ‘cups.’  ∞T.

K-Fed, Serial Impregnator

08 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

baby daddy, Britney Spears, career death by K-Fed, famous for nothing, haters gonna hate, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, professional baby daddy, Rebecca Black, serial impregnator, Shar Jackson, untalented stars, Victoria Prince, white trash

By Smaktakula
Kevin Federline Picture

"I Have This Many Childrens Now!" Good Try, Kev--You Got A Little Closer That Time.

Professional baby-daddy Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline has likely spawned his fifth child according to a source close to the expectant mother, former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince.  K-Fed’s brood currently includes two children with actress Shar Jackson and a pair with white trash survivor Britney Spears.

Say What You Will About The Man, But No Shortage Of Reasonably Attractive Women Are Willing To Sleep With Him.

Of the many roles K-Fed has played over the years (backup dancer, rap artist, career-killer) none appears to satisfy him as much as fatherhood, particularly since siring children is the only activity for which he has shown any measurable aptitude.  It’s a safe bet that K-Fed will continue to knock ladies up for years to come, so long as there remains at least one kind soul who will let him do it.

Who Will Be Next? "You Like Fridays? NO WAY!--I Like Fridays, Too!"

Bonus: K-Fed’s immortal ‘Popozão.’

That shit is fire, we assure you.
Po, Po, Po, Po, Popozão, Popozão!

Could You Be An Asshole? Truckbawlz

20 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

big trucks, Cashew Dick, childish sexual innuendo, Could you be an asshole?, deez nuts, douchebaggery, hitch nuts, jackassery, little man's syndrome, loser, machismo, macho bullshit, object of ridicule, pitiable braggadocio, so sad, testicle tow hitch, testicles, tiny penis, white trash

By Smaktakula

If you’ve got a swingin’ pair of nuts hanging pendulously from your trailer hitch, then you most definitely are.

Perhaps We Can Help: You Know, The Only Thing That Advertises Your Tiny Penis More Stridently Than A Big 4x4, Is A Big 4x4 With Fake Testicles.

I Disagree With What You Say, And I Will Ruin You If You Say It.

28 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Andres Serrano, appeasement, Barack Obama, bunched panties, burning the Koran, Cagney and Lacey, Catholic Church, censorship, circus, cowardice, dig that awesome dirtbag mustache, dirtbag mustache, double standards, douchebaggery, Florida, Founding Fathers, fucknugget, Gainesville, hypocrisy, idiocy, intellectual cowardice, Islam, Koran, Last Temptation of Christ, lip-service, mainstream media, Martin Scorsese, media bias, Piss Christ, PT Barnum, radical Islam, Rev. Terry Jones, Sharia law, shock artists, Tea Party, those wacky mullahs!, Tyne Daly's eating disorder, Voltaire, white trash

By Smaktakula

It's Hard To Look Dignified With A Ferret Humping Your Upper Lip.

The town of Gainesville, Florida saw in deranged fucknugget Terry Jones a way not only to pusillanimously distance itself from the controversy engendered by the pastor’s threat to burn several copies of the Koran, but also to pad the city coffers with some much-needed cash.  The ‘gator-infested mosquito farm-with-a-zip code presented Jones a bill for the security the city had hired in the event of violence.

By hitting the Reverend with a bill he almost certainly could not pay, Gainesville found a way to tell rest of the world–the Muslim world in particular–that it does not tolerate free speech when that so-called free speech upsets such a large group of sensitive, and more critically, violence prone-individuals.  The good folks of Gainesville joined legions of other self-loathing Americans who not only rightly decried Jones’ plans, but became venomous in their efforts to prove that they stood on the correct side of popular opinion.  Most surprisingly was the nearly universal (at least insofar as the media was concerned) agreement that burning the Koran was a taboo surpassed by few others, the insinuation being that the Reverend knew that he had passed the accepted limits of free speech.

Gainesville: "We Don't Want No Trouble, Y'all."

Although Jones failed to follow through on his threat, the uproar caused by the nonevent did result in the bunching of panties throughout the Arab world.   Several people were killed in rioting even after it was announced that no Korans would be harmed.

There Are Many Similarities Between These Guys And The Tea Party. The Difference? The Media Isn't Too Pussy To Mock The Tea Partiers.

Given that freedom of expression is ostensibly one of America’s most cherished rights–the Founding Fathers having apparently thought so highly of it that they chose it to kick off the Bill of Rights– it might be expected that Americans would grudgingly rally to Jones’ defense.  After all, how often in America does some self-satisfied prick serenely mouth the platitude so often misattributed to Voltaire: I may disagree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it?

Now, Now . . . Let's Hear Them Out.

Add to this America’s proud history standing up against religious calls for censorship.  When Martin Scorsese released his brilliant 1988 film, The Last Temptation of Christ, which the Catholic Church condemned as blasphemous, Americans made the choice for themselves.  The following year “artist” Andres Serrano photographed a crucifix suspended in a jar of his own urine, calling it  Piss Christ and himself an artist.  Christians across the globe were offended at the image of their Lord and Savior swimming in a vat of piss, but American values of free expression permitted cooler heads to prevail.  When Cagney and Lacey was taken off the air in 1983, the people would not have it; the gals were back long enough for a grateful nation to watch Tyne Daly begin to plump up.

Relax, Christians: It's Only Your Lord And Savior Bathed In Urine. You Can Either Respect The First Amendment Or You Can Threaten To Blow Shit Up.

In the face of histrionics from Muslims worldwide and self-righteous head shaking from the rest of the globe, America’s public response was a firm and immediate denunciation of Jones.  Watching pundits and try to one-up one another with contrived indignation became a sport.  By the time President Obama summoned his inner Neville Chamberlain to act as a sort of Appeaser-In-Chief, Jones had no choice but to back down.  That he did is unquestionably a good thing.  That he was bullied so shamefully into it by the media and his government is not.

The Taliban Thought These Historical Religious Carvings Were An Insult To Allah.

The Reverend Jones is unquestionably an attention-hungry con man–more PT Barnum than Jim Jones, whose actions should rightly be castigated.   But  a large segment of those shouting the loudest in this argument miss a larger point.  Although Jones may have talked about burning the Koran and more than likely intended to do it, he didn’t actually do it.  Jones has been punished not for an action which outside of Sharia Law would have been legal anyway, but rather for an unpopular thought.

STOP! Is That A Koran? Sorry, Our Bad--Carry On.

Free speech still exists in America, but only for those with nothing to lose.  The old quote needs to be updated: If I disagree with what you say I will hound you to death should you say it.

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