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Tag Archives: Two and a Half Men

Preservin’ That Hillbilly Heritage

14 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

America's Funniest Home Videos, Arby's KFC, bad parents, Canada, denim diapers, do-nothings, fauxhawks, hillbillies, Hometown Trough, Indiana, methamphetamine, mullets, No Fear, places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, professional wrestling, rednecks, Tapout, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, white trash, White Trash Diaspora, WTD, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Nobody Said Being A Parent Would Be Easy. In Fairness, Though--It Was Clearly Implied. We're Not Blaming Anyone, We're Just Saying That In A Very Real Way It's Your Fault.

We totally get it. You’re damn proud of your white trash pedigree, and want to pass that culture on to the young’uns. Originally confined to the South and most parts of Indiana, the White Trash Diaspora (WTD) has spread throughout the 48 contiguous non-freak states and Canada. And with white trash mommas birthing larger litters every year, redneck cultural historians say it is more important than ever that this vital slice of American whitebread be “preserved for posterior.”

Maybe you think that as a parent, you’ve done everything you can to teach little Cody or Ashley about this proud legacy: exposing them to endless hours of TV, heavy on Two and a Half Men, America’s Funniest Home Videos, rasslin’ and fine reality programming; dressing them appropriately in No Fear and TapouT t-shirts, and taming their fauxhawks and mullets with bulk-bought gel; enjoying regular family dinners at Arby’s, The Hometown Trough, or for really special occasions, Dave & Busters. But ask yourself: in the face of cultural dilution, is this enough?

You've Been Preparing For Your Financial Future--But What About Your Child's Future?

On the surface it may appear so. Sure, your toddler is a toothless, intolerant do-nothing who speaks incomprehensible English and lives off the charity of others–but can you guarantee he’ll stay that way?

Look–there are no guarantees in life. Despite an upbringing of rural squalor in a meth-rich environment lacking even the most basic amenities, there will always be those horror stories about kids who grow up with wild-eyed dreams of a better life. So while there’s no way to completely ensure that your boy will play football and not soccer, you can nevertheless stack the cards in your favor by starting when he’s young. May we suggest as a first step these ultra-boss denim diapers? Not only will they keep baby shit out of the carpet for a few hours, but Junior will look hella tough.

'Cause, Hey--Sometimes You Shit Your Levi's, Too.

Headlines 10.07.11

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, African famine, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Budweiser, butterface, death by drowning, debt crisis, Democrats, Europe, great white shark, headlines, hos, Indiana, living in a van down by the river, Matt Foley, Mississippi, online dating, perverts, pizza, Poltergeist, prostitution, Republicans, reset button, skunky beer, Somalia, South Korea, Tanzania, tapeworms, TV for idiots, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, vegans, Vermont, White House, you're welcome

By Smaktakula

Well, Bless Their Hearts.

In which we opine on the latest headlines, without bothering to first read the stories.

***

Seoul to Introduce Female-Only Subway Cars 

  • Korean perverts to introduce hidden cameras to female-only subway cars.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression

  • It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Suspect arrested while trying to bail out ally 

  • There is honor among thieves, just no common sense.

Bill Clinton, on his 65th birthday, has gone vegan

  •  That’s a misprint.  Rather than ‘gone vegan’ it should read ‘done Meagan.’

Like You’d Do Any Differently In His Position.

Exposed coffins, destroyed homes in Vt. town

  • Sweet!  A Poltergeist remake.

Deportation policy angers bloggers

  • Yeah, but when you have no real friends and a surfeit of free time, you tend to get irritated pretty easily.

Tradition forces girls into prostitution 

  • “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza? 

  • The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

Beachgoers in Venice Rescue Stranded Great White Shark 

  • The freed predator wasted no time before devouring a surfer.

Europe’s debt could sink US

  •  This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US was obliged to pay.

Avez-Vous Des Remerciements? Non? Ah, C’est La Vie.

Indiana State Fair stage collapse claims sixth victim 

  • Is that thing still on the loose?

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims 

  • If it bothers you so much, eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Online dating? Why no one wants you 

  • Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors.  Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

It’s Like Putting Fancy Rims On A ’78 Pacer.

President Obama goes for a reset on jobs 

  • Because neither ‘Do Over’ nor ‘We Take It Back‘ sounded quite right.

Ashton Kutcher’s second ‘Two and a Half Men’ episode: Do we still care?

  • That you ever did says a lot about you.

White House Future Is Now, Many Republicans Conclude

  •  No, by definition, now is the present and the future is yet to come.  And they say the Democrats can’t get their shit together.

Funk Legend Living In A Van 

  • The van’s funk is said to be legendary.

The Most Highly-Prized Locale For The Van-Dweller Is, Of Course, Down By The River.

Tanzania: Horror As 180 People Perish in Ferry Accident 

  • Dear God!  At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON!  Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!

Why I Don’t Drink Budweiser…and Why I’m Not Alone

  • Because fermented goat semen just doesn’t taste that hot.

How Did the Robot End Up With My Job? 

  • For starters, the LaborTron3K doesn’t come to work hung over, steal paperclips or grope the copy boy.  Plus, you’re ugly.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny.

  • The secret is tapeworms.

Proper Sanitation And Hygiene Save Lives.

See Also:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII

Stupid Show Now Even More Stupider

18 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Demi Moore, geriatric sex, May-December romances, prettyboys, Punk'd, shitty TV shows, stupid people, That 70s Show, TV for idiots, TV makes you stupid, Two and a Half Men, untalented stars, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

"If'n That Funny-Ass Show Don't Come Back To The Moving-Picture Box, I's Gonna Drink Some Turpentine An' Die. That's What I'm Fixin' To Do."

Across the nation, morons who love bad TV are screeching with joy and hurling their own feces at one another upon the news that Two and a Half Men will be returning to television.  Fans of vapid entertainment were disheartened in recent months by reports of the inane series’ demise following the implosion of the show’s star, toothless pharmaceutical experiment Charlie Sheen.  However, as they have so many times in the past, the doomsayers prognosticating Two and a Half Men‘s demise have vastly underestimated the American public’s rapacious appetite for all things vulgar and grotesque.

The Many Faces Of The Master Thespian: This One's Called "Gay & Crazy."

Two and a Half Men will continue to dumb up the airwaves for at least another season, thanks to the arrival of minimally-talented prettyboy Ashton Kutcher.  Kutcher is best known for his roles in That 70s Show and Punk’d, as well as for banging an old lady.

Despite Her Age, Demi Works Hard To Keep Her Body Lean.

Two and a Half Men‘s producers acknowledge that Kutcher brings neither star power nor charisma to the show, and admit that the replacement actor’s mushy intellect makes the cocaine and whiskey-befuddled Charlie Sheen seem like Alan Greenspan in comparison.  They counter, however, that as a living, breathing organism, Kutcher is more than qualified to play the 1.0 men which the script requires.

The Mind-Numbing Complacency Inspired By 'Two And A Half Men' Saves Lives.

TV Still Safe For Morons

24 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

America's Funniest Home Videos, As the World Turns, Baguette wasn't our first choice, Benny Hill, Bob Saget, India, Jeopardy!, Louie Anderson, morons, mouth-breathing halfwits, soap operas, television, the vast wasteland, TV makes you stupid, Two and a Half Men

By Smaktakula

Mouth-Breathing Ignoramuses Worldwide Ask, "Why There Not More TV Shows For I?"

It’s no secret that television gets a bad rap.  Labelled ‘A Vast Wasteland’ within years of its invention, TV hasn’t been given much of a chance.  And much like a person awoken from sleep by a phone call, people will go to ridiculous lengths to refuse to admit that they watch TV.

"If Maybelle Don't Get To Watch Her Stories, She Starts Thinkin' 'Bout Things. I Need That Like I Need Another Hole In My Head."

Most of these people are lying.  The ever-expanding menu of specialized channels, internet-to-television streaming along with piles upon piles of data suggest that people are watching the small screen more than ever.  As counterintuitive as it might seem, the device often referred to as the “idiot box” may actually be helping to improve lives around the globe.

Proving Every Day That The Really Talented Fat Comedians Die Young.

A tremendous variety of educational programming is available for viewers, plus scads of infotainment shows on cooking, wildlife, home decor, ghostbusting and the like.  Thanks to shows like Sesame Street, television helps to prepare youngsters for school.  Perhaps most surprising are studies from India which show a correlation between the availability of cable television and an increase in the living standard of women.

So if TV isn’t the mindless entertainment we’ve always believed it to be, what does this mean for the world’s slackjawed halfwits, who see the demise of Two and a half Men as the end of an era, drowning their fears with a glut of Benny Hill reruns?  Have no fear, television has not forgotten its sub-moronic roots: for the discriminating lackwit, there are a plethora of shitty shows like Deal or No Deal and the odious America’s Funniest Home Videos.

We'd Think A Guy With Two Of The All-Time Shittiest TV Shows Under His Belt AND Whose Name Rhymes With . . .'Baguette' . . . Would Be A Little Funnier.

Let’s take a moment to thank these uncreative men and women who bring us intellectually challenged programing.  With everyone pandering to America’s elite, it’s nice to see someone’s still looking out for the drooling moron who can’t get off the couch.

Thanks To The Dumbing Down Of America, Foreigners Aren't Just Taking Our Jobs--They're Also Taking Our Spot On Jeopardy!

Put Down The Crisco, Jabba!

25 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Duh, Food, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, People, Political Correctness

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

big fatso, Center for Science in Public Interest, customer of size, do-gooders, fat ass, fat people, Jabba the Hutt, McDonald's, nanny state, person of size, syphilitic monkeys, Two and a Half Men, Why am I so fat?

The Center for Science in Public Interest wants you to know that it’s okay that you’re too stupid to make nutrition choices on your own, either for yourself or your children.     

That’s why the CSPI is threatening to sue McDonald’s, the world’s most popular purveyor of food-flavored edible products, unless the fast-food giant stops including toys with its popular Happy Meals.     

Not Only Did McDonald's Make Him An Evil Mutant, But It May Also Have Contributed To His Little Weight Problem.

“McDonald’s is the stranger in the playground handing out candy to children,” CSPI’s litigation director, Stephen Gardner, said in a prepared statement. “It’s a creepy and predatory practice that warrants an injunction.”     

Countered a McDonald’s representative:     

“The toy is plastic, retard.  Zero calories.    

Y’know, if we really gave a fuck about the nation’s creme-filled arteries, we’d leave out the food.”     

It boils down to this:  You’re a syphilitic monkey too stupid to refuse poison if it’s presented to you in a nice bottle with a shiny bow.      

Don’t bother thinking about it.  Why don’t you watch some TV?  I think Two and a Half Men is on . . .     

I’ll Just Take My Fat Ass Somewhere Else: McDonald’s faces lawsuit over marketing to kids – Jun. 22, 2010.     

Smaktakula

Share With Facebook And I’ll Take You To Krispy Kreme

Some Portion Of Charlie Sheen’s Brain Miraculously Unravaged By Syphilis

19 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Relationships, Satire, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

career limbo, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, drunkard, Emilio's wasted brother, Hot Shots!, lout, Post-Haim Era, sot, syphilis, The French Disease, Two and a Half Men, vast wasteland, wastrel, wind-up monkey

Despicable wife-beater and inebriate Charlie Sheen has wisely chosen to stick with his awful show.         

Promethean Times applauds Mr. Sheen’s decision to follow our advice.  Furthermore, we would like to remind readers that it couldn’t have been easy for the once-promising actor to accept the grim fact that, barring an improbably lucrative string of Hot Shots! and Wall Street sequels, he is destined to forever remain the Vast Wasteland’s bitch.           

WARNING: Staring Too Long At This Photo May Result In A Case Of The Crotch Lobsters.

Watch The Wind-Up Monkey Of The Post-Haim Era Continue To Bang Away: Charlie Sheen Returning to Two and a Half Men – PEOPLE TV Watch.           

Smaktakula

Charlie Sheen Believes Hookers And Booze Fall Magically From The Sky

02 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

booze, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, debauchery, douchebaggery, drugs, hookers, misplaced artistic integrity, rehab, Richard Simmons, Sheen leaving, spousal abuse, three-time loser, Two and a Half Men, untalented stars

Why else would this three-time loser kill the cash cow by leaving his awful show?              

Good Luck, Chuck!

Industry insiders speculate that the volatile hack may have contracted a case of misplaced artistic integrity (MAI) during his most recent rehab stint.  Delusions are a common symptom of the MAI infection, which could lead Sheen to forget that his artistic range is roughly analagous to the distance Richard Simmons can throw a baseball.               

Ball Four.

 But unlike many of Sheen’s previous infections, this one won’t be fixed by a quick visit to a discreet Mexican doctor.  Charlie should know by now that performing in a cultural Mariana Trench like Two and a Half Men is a lot like being a professional manure wrestler.  You can leave the ring–but the shit still sticks to you.             

Think Charlie’s Best Moments Of Douchebag Idiocy Are Behind Him?  The Kid’s Still Got It: Charlie Sheen wants out of ‘Two and A Half Men’: Report | EW.com.           

Smaktakula

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