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Tag Archives: ChocoFührer

Headlines: 09.17.12

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 30 Comments

Tags

adoption, Al Gore, anti-semitism, Appalachia, Baltimore, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chicago, China, ChocoFührer, climate change, comical despots, dope, Electoral College, Frosted Mini-Wheats, grass, headlines, hemp, incest, Islam, Joe Blanton, losers, marijuana, Maryland, Michael Phelps, Mitt Romney, Modern Family, Mormons, morons, New York, NYPD, places that suck, reefer, Robert Mugabe, sea otters, sharks, sweet sweet cheeba, teacher's strike, Waltons, weed, white people, you got a real purty mouth, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

‘Cause You’ve Already Got The Job, Bro-Ski!

As the news articles of the day are so replete with unfamiliar words and challenging concepts, we’re happy simply to comment on the headlines.

***

Carrying these babies for my brother ~ Is considered taboo outside of Appalachia.

Gulag Reform: Will China Stop Sending Its Dissidents to Labor Camps?  ~ If you first ask yourself just what actions the global community has taken to discourage China’s illiberal ways, you can probably answer this one on your own.

The World’s Oldest Profession For Men ~ Hunter-gatherer.

Shuttle Endeavour embarking on new mission to Los Angeles museum ~ It’ll be the shuttle’s least dangerous and most boring mission to date!

Sea Otters To Combat Climate Change? ~ The working plan is for these adorable sea-weasels to smash climate change against their tummies with a rock.

A Great Many “Green” Initiatives Are Mostly About Looking Cute Anyway.

 Baltimore to immigrants: Welcome in, no questions asked ~ Well, someone’s got to live in that shithole. Why not someone who doesn’t know any better?

Romney assails Obama campaign on Akin, abortion ~ That’s a curious–and rather bold–strategy. But sometimes you’ve just got to turn into the skid, folks.

Muslim leaders are told NYPD spying in NJ ended ~ Civil libertarians praised the decision, saying that the Bill of Rights grants every citizen the right to plot the downfall of the Great Satan without said malefic supernatural entity breathing down his neck.

Michael Phelps spotted with girlfriend on red carpet ~ Do you sometimes wonder if we ever come up with a clever response which is in such cataclysmically rotten taste that even we refuse to use it? Wonder no longer, Friends!

The Weatherman Is Not a Moron ~ What? Sorry, that’s “Mormon.” The weatherman isn’t a Mormon. He certainly is a moron, though.

Dictators are only a couple of belly laughs from revolution ~ Successful dictators simply don’t get jokes.

Zimbabwe’s ChocoFührer Credits His Longevity To Being Terrifyingly Unfunny.

Who’s the monkey? ~ You are, fuck-face. We thought that since you asked, you really wanted to know.

Son, I Think We Know Why You’ve Been Having A Hard Time Getting A Date ~ It’s because you’re adopted. Ha ha! Your mom and I wracked our brains trying think of a funny way to tell you. Sorry, Son–I don’t know why you’re such a loser with the ladies–but I can tell you for sure that you didn’t get it from me!

The light, dark side of anti-Semitism ~ It’s a Frosted Mini-Wheat of intolerance!

Viral video: Sheep that screams like a human ~ It’s an a-a-a-a-a-bomin-a-a-a-a-tion.

Teachers’ Strike in Chicago Tests Mayor and Union ~ Since most of those folks were educated in the Chicago School District, unless someone feeds them the answers, they’re most likely gonna fail that test.

Al Gore calls for an end to the Electoral College ~ After all the Electoral College has done for him? Talk about an ingrate.

Although Regarded By Many As The Winner Of The 2000 US Presidential Election, Al Gore Has Thrown Himself Wholeheartedly Into His New Role As ‘Loser.’

What’s a $4000 Suit Worth? ~ A  € 3,097 suit, a kimono worth 311,025 Yen, or a filthy scrap of burlap with holes cut in it for 1,447,600 Zimbabwean Dollars.

Shark attack Paralympian pictures great white chasing him to win bronze ~ Considering what it cost you, if you had to do it again, do you think you’d picture that monster chasing you for at least a silver?

Opting Out of the ‘Rug Rat Race’ ~ Will put you in a much better position to succeed financially. This one isn’t a joke, people.

Who Is The Smallest Government Spender Since Eisenhower? Would You Believe It’s Barack Obama? ~ Nope. You don’t really believe that either.

If Joe Blanton likes boos, he’s pitching the right way ~ We’re pretty sure that he doesn’t dig the animus from fans at all, and that he just sucks ass.

‘The Waltons’ Meets ‘Modern Family’ ~ Not nearly as charming as we thought it would be. It ends with someone squealing like a pig, if you catch our drift.

“Now, Just What The Hell Do You Mean, ‘Goodnight, John Boy’? The Evening’s Still Young, Sweet-Ass, And You Look About As Juicy As A Freshwater Clam.”

Bill passes to keep mentally ill sex predators off streets ~ Violent sex-fiends do their best work indoors anyhow.

Banning weed is bad medicine ~ THANK YOU.

Girl found in NY lake clinging to dead body ~ Sure it’s icky, but keep in mind this happened in New York. The young woman used the water-logged corpse as a flotation device because her only other choices were a box of medical waste and another corpse.

Romney on healthcare, taxes ~ “Don’t need it, don’t pay ’em.”

The Biggest Innovations in the History of Food ~Sliced bread is often held up as a prime example.

Obama greeted with bear hug by pizza parlor owner ~ BREAKING NEWS: Local lunatic gunned down by Secret Service. Details after the break.

A Nice Sign Or A Friendly Wave Usually Work Best.

I ♥ That Sweet, Sweet Ass!

14 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bestiality, childish sexual innuendo, ChocoFührer, comical despots, death by embarrassment, donkey fucking, Donkey Punch, donkeys, forbidden love, impoverished third-world hellhole, kleptocrats, places that suck, race baiting, Robert Mugabe, shapeshifters, Sunday Mayo, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

There's An Old Saying: "If You Can't Find Love In Zimbabwe, Take Yourself To A Place That's Not Quite So Shitty And Try Your Luck There."

Zimbabwe has worked hard to achieve its worldwide recognition as an unlivable hellhole.  As difficult as it may be to believe, Zimbabwe (formerly known as Rhodesia) was once one of Africa’s most prosperous countries.  However, since assuming power in 1980, race-baiting kleptocrat Robert Mugabe has managed to line his own pockets while driving the wretched country spiralling into an economic deathspin.

But for a brief, impossibly delicate moment, one young man thought he had found a little oasis of delight in this broken land of ruined dreams.  Sunday Moro was in love, his miserable life suddenly given meaning and joy through requited affection.  Sadly for young Moro, his was a love his neighbors in the village of Zvishavane simply could not countenance.

We Can't Really Blame Mayo's Love Problems On The ChocoFührer, But God Knows--He's Turned Everything Else In Zimbabwe To Shit.

Trouble came one dark morning at 4:00 AM, when fellow villagers found Moro making sweet, sweet love to his amour, whom, in a fit of kink, the young man had tied to a tree.  The puritanical villagers wasted no time in denouncing the lovers, calling their union “unnatural” and “an affront to all that is holy or even decent.”

Surprisingly, She Cares Not At All For The Donkey Punch.

The love-smitten fornicator tried to explain that, yes, he was fucking a donkey, but could provide an explanation he felt would satisfy his toughest critics.  According to Moro, the beast of burden had been an actual human prostitute when he’d picked her up the night before for $20 US.  However, in addition to being both physically attractive and a great conversationalist, Moro’s beloved was apparently a powerful sorceress, who transformed herself into a donkey shortly before the interlopers arrived.

According to the AP, Mayo said, “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey.”  Sunday Mayo’s unusual appetites can teach us all a thing or two about the mysterious powers of love:  not only is it color-blind, but also apparently non-speciesist.

"Where We No Longer Tolerate Donkey-Fucking."

Meet Tomorrow’s Tyrants Today: Black Julius

05 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Politics

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Africa, African National Congress, Afro-fascist, ANC, ANC Youth League, Apartheid, Asians, bigotry, Black Julius, black people, ChocoFührer, comical despots, Dalai Lama, hatemonger, HIV, Jacob Zuma, Julius Malema, meet tomorrow's tyrants today, Nelson Mandela, Orange Julius, places that suck, race baiting, racism, Robert Mugabe, South Africa, the Troubles, Twitter, white people, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

Zuma May Be Rough Around The Edges, But Consider The Alternatives.

Making South Africa’s Jacob Zuma seem statesmanlike is no small feat.  Although the one-party nation’s populist president and leader of the ruling African National Congress (ANC) is by all appearances an affable fellow, Zuma has repeatedly demonstrated behavior unbecoming the head of the nation which, particularly in light of Egypt’s recent woes, remains a premier economic power in Africa.  In one display of poor judgement, Zuma suggested that he was not at risk  for HIV despite having unprotected sex with a woman he knew to be infected, because he took a post-coital shower.   Despite this, the young firebrand whom Zuma himself tagged to be South Africa’s future tyrant imbues the current president with an air of Dalai Lama-like gravitas by comparison.

Orange Julius Is A Different Guy Altogether. This Northern Ireland Rabble-Rouser Was Killed In A 1988 Car-Bomb Attack. Shamrock Shake Is Believed To Have Been The Culprit.

Cherubic hatemonger Julius Malema has proven a polarizing figure in South African politics.  As president of the ANC Youth League since 2008, Malema has courted a number of controversies during his tenure in office, among them vociferous and ad hominem denunciations of various ‘enemies,’ attempts to muzzle the press–including threats to shut down Twitter, and a conviction for hate speech.  Just thirty years old, the inarticulate race-baiter was nine years old when Nelson Mandela was freed and Apartheid abolished, returning national rule to the black majority.  Despite living most of his life in a black-governed South Africa, Malema still manages to blame white people for most of his country’s ills.  He doesn’t care for Asians, either.

Zuma Knowns That As Risky As It Is To Hold A Snake, It's More Dangerous To Put It Down.

As an admirer of Zimbabwe’s Robert ‘ChocoFührer’ Mugabe, Malema espouses taking the means of production out of the hands of a wealthy elite and redistributing it to his more deserving cronies.   These policies have proved nothing short of transformational for Zimbabwe; in just a few short years the aging Afro-fascist has managed to oust most of the nation’s white farmers, erasing not only their influence, but also quite coincidentally, turning what was not so long ago one of Africa’s premier nations into tomorrow’s All-Star Charity Benefit Concert.

Despite Having The Same Mustache, Mugabe Is Not At All Like Hitler. Hitler Was A White Supremacist. Mugabe Is A Black Supremacist. Completely Different.

In South Africa, the fall of Apartheid and the ensuing years of stability, peace and a relatively high living standard have made the nation unique among its neighbors.  However, if anyone can undo this damage and return South Africa to the ranks of the continent’s despotic strong-man regimes, it’s Black Julius.

Julius May Look Like An Angry Lesbian, But Really He's Just An Angry Dude.

Know Your Dictafro

08 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, History, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, Alexander the Great, Angela Merkel, because he declared himself King of Scotland. Get it now?, Benazir Bhutto, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Bono, Chairman Mao, ChocoFührer, dictafro, Evo Morales, Fugeeman, Golda Meir, Hillary Clinton, Idi Amin Dada, Imelda Marcos, Indira Gandhi, John Holmes, Julius Caesar, Kim Jong-il, Manuel Noriega, Mao Zedong, Marlon Brando, Muammar al-Gaddafi, mulletards, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pyongyang, Richard M. Nixon, Robert Mugabe, Ronald Reagan, Saddam Hussein, Silvio Berlusconi, Ted Kaczynski, Wyclef Jean, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you

By Smaktakula

The individual hairstyles of powerful men and women are as unique as fingerprints.  Observe:

The Caesar

The Pineapple

The Cover-Up

The Forgettable Fire

The Martyr

The John Holmes

The Kaczynski

The Pyongyang.

The Schultz

The Carpetbagger

The Bubbie

The Big Boy

The Thriller

The ChocoFührer

The Imelda

Le Petit Tyran

The Consigliere

The Highlander

The Supercuts

The Frampton Comes Alive

The Bride Of The Monster-Doctorwallah

The Foreign Exchange Student

The Moe Howard

The Sex Mo-Sheen And The Pantsuit

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