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Headlines: 09.17.12

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 30 Comments

Tags

adoption, Al Gore, anti-semitism, Appalachia, Baltimore, Barack Obama, cannabis, Chicago, China, ChocoFührer, climate change, comical despots, dope, Electoral College, Frosted Mini-Wheats, grass, headlines, hemp, incest, Islam, Joe Blanton, losers, marijuana, Maryland, Michael Phelps, Mitt Romney, Modern Family, Mormons, morons, New York, NYPD, places that suck, reefer, Robert Mugabe, sea otters, sharks, sweet sweet cheeba, teacher's strike, Waltons, weed, white people, you got a real purty mouth, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

‘Cause You’ve Already Got The Job, Bro-Ski!

As the news articles of the day are so replete with unfamiliar words and challenging concepts, we’re happy simply to comment on the headlines.

***

Carrying these babies for my brother ~ Is considered taboo outside of Appalachia.

Gulag Reform: Will China Stop Sending Its Dissidents to Labor Camps?  ~ If you first ask yourself just what actions the global community has taken to discourage China’s illiberal ways, you can probably answer this one on your own.

The World’s Oldest Profession For Men ~ Hunter-gatherer.

Shuttle Endeavour embarking on new mission to Los Angeles museum ~ It’ll be the shuttle’s least dangerous and most boring mission to date!

Sea Otters To Combat Climate Change? ~ The working plan is for these adorable sea-weasels to smash climate change against their tummies with a rock.

A Great Many “Green” Initiatives Are Mostly About Looking Cute Anyway.

 Baltimore to immigrants: Welcome in, no questions asked ~ Well, someone’s got to live in that shithole. Why not someone who doesn’t know any better?

Romney assails Obama campaign on Akin, abortion ~ That’s a curious–and rather bold–strategy. But sometimes you’ve just got to turn into the skid, folks.

Muslim leaders are told NYPD spying in NJ ended ~ Civil libertarians praised the decision, saying that the Bill of Rights grants every citizen the right to plot the downfall of the Great Satan without said malefic supernatural entity breathing down his neck.

Michael Phelps spotted with girlfriend on red carpet ~ Do you sometimes wonder if we ever come up with a clever response which is in such cataclysmically rotten taste that even we refuse to use it? Wonder no longer, Friends!

The Weatherman Is Not a Moron ~ What? Sorry, that’s “Mormon.” The weatherman isn’t a Mormon. He certainly is a moron, though.

Dictators are only a couple of belly laughs from revolution ~ Successful dictators simply don’t get jokes.

Zimbabwe’s ChocoFührer Credits His Longevity To Being Terrifyingly Unfunny.

Who’s the monkey? ~ You are, fuck-face. We thought that since you asked, you really wanted to know.

Son, I Think We Know Why You’ve Been Having A Hard Time Getting A Date ~ It’s because you’re adopted. Ha ha! Your mom and I wracked our brains trying think of a funny way to tell you. Sorry, Son–I don’t know why you’re such a loser with the ladies–but I can tell you for sure that you didn’t get it from me!

The light, dark side of anti-Semitism ~ It’s a Frosted Mini-Wheat of intolerance!

Viral video: Sheep that screams like a human ~ It’s an a-a-a-a-a-bomin-a-a-a-a-tion.

Teachers’ Strike in Chicago Tests Mayor and Union ~ Since most of those folks were educated in the Chicago School District, unless someone feeds them the answers, they’re most likely gonna fail that test.

Al Gore calls for an end to the Electoral College ~ After all the Electoral College has done for him? Talk about an ingrate.

Although Regarded By Many As The Winner Of The 2000 US Presidential Election, Al Gore Has Thrown Himself Wholeheartedly Into His New Role As ‘Loser.’

What’s a $4000 Suit Worth? ~ A  € 3,097 suit, a kimono worth 311,025 Yen, or a filthy scrap of burlap with holes cut in it for 1,447,600 Zimbabwean Dollars.

Shark attack Paralympian pictures great white chasing him to win bronze ~ Considering what it cost you, if you had to do it again, do you think you’d picture that monster chasing you for at least a silver?

Opting Out of the ‘Rug Rat Race’ ~ Will put you in a much better position to succeed financially. This one isn’t a joke, people.

Who Is The Smallest Government Spender Since Eisenhower? Would You Believe It’s Barack Obama? ~ Nope. You don’t really believe that either.

If Joe Blanton likes boos, he’s pitching the right way ~ We’re pretty sure that he doesn’t dig the animus from fans at all, and that he just sucks ass.

‘The Waltons’ Meets ‘Modern Family’ ~ Not nearly as charming as we thought it would be. It ends with someone squealing like a pig, if you catch our drift.

“Now, Just What The Hell Do You Mean, ‘Goodnight, John Boy’? The Evening’s Still Young, Sweet-Ass, And You Look About As Juicy As A Freshwater Clam.”

Bill passes to keep mentally ill sex predators off streets ~ Violent sex-fiends do their best work indoors anyhow.

Banning weed is bad medicine ~ THANK YOU.

Girl found in NY lake clinging to dead body ~ Sure it’s icky, but keep in mind this happened in New York. The young woman used the water-logged corpse as a flotation device because her only other choices were a box of medical waste and another corpse.

Romney on healthcare, taxes ~ “Don’t need it, don’t pay ’em.”

The Biggest Innovations in the History of Food ~Sliced bread is often held up as a prime example.

Obama greeted with bear hug by pizza parlor owner ~ BREAKING NEWS: Local lunatic gunned down by Secret Service. Details after the break.

A Nice Sign Or A Friendly Wave Usually Work Best.

Headlines 10.19.11

19 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABBA, Adolf Hitler, bad cops, Bar Harbor, Barry Zito, Beacon Hill, cannabis, Casey Anthony, childhood obesity, Coors, Coors is horse piss, country music, dope, drugs, fat kids, fat people, gay people, Georgia, Germany, Happy Days, headlines, Hebrew Nationals, Hugh Hefner, HURRR!, Jennifer Lopez, jerky, LAPD, Maine, Marc Anthony, marijuana, Miller, NAACP, obesity, piñata, police brutality, Pope Benedict XVI, pot, Pringles, quaint lighthouses, reefer, revenge shooting, Rodney King, sharks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Space Shuttle, Space Shuttle Atlantis, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, VE Day, weed, whitey, Why am I so fat?, WWII

By Smaktakula

Yeah, But France Was Smart Enough To Quit Before Anyone Got Hurt.

Nothing but headlines.  You should know by now, folks–we don’t read so well.

***

Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.

Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer  ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.

36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last.  I wish I were dead.”

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.

“Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent Of The Law.”

Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.

Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.

Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.

He Pays For Himself. Check The Folds Once A Month And Collect The Accumulated Loose Change.

Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’  ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”

Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!

At Least He Fed Them Well.

MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal  piss.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich.  What?  You asked.

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?”  *** “How do you think?  Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you.  God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”

Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

‘Person’ And ‘Piñata’: Two Terms Often Confused By The LAPD.

Headlines 04.28.11

28 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

American Civil War, autism, Brazil, Cape Cod, Donald Trump, Enrique Iglesias, Garey Busey, great white shark, headlines, homosexuality, Libya, Madden NFL 12, massacre, NATO, NFL, sailors, sharks, slavery, street children, US Navy, Vladimir Putin, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Just the headlines, none of the content.  For more Headlines fun, click here and here.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If the US Navy were to rid itself entirely of homosexuality, it would have all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Anchors Aweigh!

Brazil shooting said to be first school massacre in nation’s history ~  Previous Brazilian massacres have been of street children, and thus not newsworthy.

Madden NFL 12 to Make Player Safety a Priority ~Madden 12: Also known as ‘The Lame Edition.’

Blind pooch comes with own guide dog ~ Talk about a useless creature.

Meet the perfect rainforest predator ~ Haven’t they been telling us for years that it’s man?

Act goes awry, human cannonball dies ~ There’s no way anyone could have seen this coming.

Gary Busey endorses Donald Trump for president ~ Gary left a chunk of his brain on the street after a helmetless motorcycle accident.  Still, we thought he was smarter than that.

“My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Cat Food!”

Sick grandma dropped in Arctic in botched rescue ~ Okay, we’re actually gonna read this one.

What Makes a Person Ugly? ~ Well, it’s tough to explain, but there’s a reason dogs bark at you in the street and children flee screaming upon your approach.

‘Atlas Shrugged’ finally comes to the screen ~ The audience shrugs.

Small Iowa town ‘lucky’ after big tornado ~ But in the moments before the tornado they were decidedly unlucky.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really an expert, he should know they do that.

Pissing Yourself Is An Acceptable Response.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just wouldn’t shut up about it.

Libya regime accuses Nato of siding with rebels ~ Wasn’t that the whole point?

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ We just don’t know, and we can’t afford to let that happen.

Is Sitting a Lethal Activity? ~ It all depends upon what you’re sitting on.

Our Eagerness To Resort To Awful Puns Is Simply Shocking.

Are You Praising Your Child Properly? ~ Do you even know where the little fuckers are right now?

Putin does the rendition-and-secret-jail thing, too ~ We’re not so different after all.

Woman denies biting off testicles ~ So was she a man before she did it?

Spend Valentine’s Day with Enrique Iglesias and a Big Bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant ~ We are so there.

“Nadie Puede Amarte Como Yo Pueda, Smaktakula.”

Silky Shark A Victim Of Bad PR

25 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anxiety, aquatic creatures, barracuda, bull shark, great hammerhead, great white shark, hammerhead shark, Jaws, lame sharks, leopard shark, maneaters, phobias, public relations, Shark Week, sharks, silky shark, Steve Irwin, tiger shark, underachieving sharks

By Smaktakula

These days, beachgoers have a great many anxieties.  Thanks to movies like Jaws and the annual awesomeness that is Shark Week, bathers know the carnage which can be unleashed in an eyeblink by the likes of a great white, bull shark or tiger shark.  Steve Irwin taught us that even semi-sharks can be dangerous.  Some people are even on the lookout for barracuda.

Unlike The Silky, The Great White Has Nothing To Prove.

These aquatic fears notwithstanding, no one seems to fear the silky shark.  This despite the occasionally aggressive creature’s heavily-muscled body and powerful jaws.  The shark’s soft-sounding name almost certainly has something to do with its lack of reputation.  Silky seems more reminiscent of the tagline for a ladies’ razor commercial than a fearsome would-be maneater.

The silky shark boasts six unprovoked attacks on humans, beating out both the leopard shark and the great hammerhead.  But like those two species, the silky has yet to make a confirmed human kill.  Without this first kill, the silky is destined to remain with the flounders and tuna among the aquatic busters.  If the silky shark intends to join the elite ranks of whites, tigers, bulls and blacktips, clearly more needs to be done.

We suggest that the silky launch an immediate PR campaign.  And a name change wouldn’t hurt.

The Silky Shark: Not Actually A Pussy; It Just Sounds And Acts Like One.

We Have A Soft Spot For Bad Boys

30 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, News, Politics

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

15th District, Charlie Rangel, congress, Democratic Party, disgraced congressman, Harlem, House Ways and Means Committee, malfeasance, New York, scoundrels, sharks, U.S. House of Representatives

By Smaktakula

Charlie Rangel, the Democratic congressman from New York’s 15th District, is fighting for his political life.  Amid a variety of ethics charges, Rangel has been forced to relinquish the chair of the House Ways and Means committee, but has managed a recent primary win and expects to keep his seat in November.

Despite The Malfeasance, Despite The Chicanery And Despite Not Having A Real Job Since 1971, It's Pretty Damn Hard Not To Like Charlie Rangel.

Charlie can’t like his odds for beating the myriad ethics violations stacked against him.  However, like a shark which must keep swimming, it’s guaranteed Rangel will give it a go.  If there’s anyone capable of extricating himself from his own mess, it’s Harlem’s loveable scoundrel.

Take A Break, You Scamp! You've Earned It.

The Bull Doesn’t Always Lose

21 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, Sports

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

aquatic mammals, birds, Blame Canada!, bovine-on-human violence, bovines, British Columbia, bull riding death, Canada, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Emil Haagerdäddi, goring, Holy Cow!, idiots, India, kill-crazy beast, Makwala Derrickson Hall, matadors, NO BULL, rodeo, running of the bulls, sharks, two last names

By Smaktakula

Although much has been made of the danger posed by birds, sharks and aquatic mammals, humans have long been tolerant, and even affectionate toward bovines.  Regarded as likable, if stupid creatures throughout the world, and revered in places like India, the bovine family is accorded a respect second only to that given to canines.

Never Trust A Smiling Bull.

A recent incident in British Columbia may put bovines’ most-favored-species status in jeopardy.  Last week an eighteen-year-old bull rider, Makwala Derrickson Hall, was struck in the side by a bull during an event.  Derrickson Hall died before medical help reached him.

There are many theories that seek to explain why the bull went rogue.  An early theory, quickly discarded, imagined the incident as an unfortunate accident, adding that when dealing with wild animals, occasionally something terrible will happen.

Most experts consider this explanation childishly simple at best, and at its worst, dangerously naive.  Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman of South-Central Montana Community College’s Department of Rodeo Studies, believes that the bull didn’t recognize the rider as a professional.  Says Haagerdäddi:

“Derrickson Hall had two disadvantages going into this contest, neither of which was his fault.  The first, obviously, was his Canadian citizenship.  I don’t know how many times I’ll have to say this: Canadians have no place in rodeo.”

When asked how Canadians will react to his statement, the professor sighs, “Oh, there’ll be a burning maple leaf on my lawn tonight.  It won’t be the first time.”

“Derrickson Hall’s second and more pronounced disadvantage,” the professor continues, “Is his unusual last name.  He’s got one too many.  In rodeo having two first names is so common place as to be de rigueur.  I can’t tell you how many Jesse Lees and Billy Joes have strapped on the spurs, but not too many Derrickson Halls.  And Makwala?  Well, you just can’t expect the bull to respect that, now can you?”

There are a great many others, however, who feel that this is more than one rogue bull trying to make his bones.  One organization which believes this way is NO BULL, a pro-humanist charity.  NO BULL’s spokesperson pointed to the alarming rise in goring, both among matadors in the bullring as well as idiots who participate in Spain’s famed running of the bulls.  “We feel that these recent events are not accidental, and that they are being directed by an unseen hoof.”

This Kill-Crazy Beast Ate Its Way Through Three Riders And Nine Rodeo Clowns Before It Was Finally Brought Down.

It’s too early to tell if bovine-on-human violence is a growing trend or merely a series of unfortunate coincidences.  Until we know for sure, it’s all eyes on the cows.

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