Tags
bad parents, call girls, Chastity, Deborah Campbell, Dick Swett, ESPN, exotic dancers, Heath Campbell, heavy metal band names, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, hooker names, idiots, Jägermeister, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Kosuke Fukudome, nomenclature-based abuse, poor impulse control, Rusty Kuntz, terrible names, Weinhard, white supremacists
By Smaktakula
Dealt A Staggering Blow At Birth, Richard Swett Turned His Wheels Into The Skid And Embraced His Handicap.
Since the dawn of time, well-meaning parents have been giving their children ridiculous names. From the celebrity who bestows the name Pomegranate upon her offspring to the fringy basement-dweller who names his kid Billy Ray Chewbacca, parents from all walks of life enjoy abusing their parental naming rights.
You're Right, This Doesn't Count. But It's Still Funny.
But some go too far. Most people are by now familiar with the story of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who burdened their son with the name Adolf Hitler Campbell. His sisters’ fate was worse. Not only were they also given white supremacist names, but with the added inconvenience of non-traditional spelling and of being unpronounceable to boot: it’s a given that little JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will have some trouble on the playground. Child Protective Services has placed the children in foster care, ostensibly on the grounds of their parents’ health.
In Fairness To Ma And Pa Kuntz, There Isn't A Whole Lot They Could Have Done.
While Der Campbellkinder may be safe in the warm and nurturing arms of the foster care system, thousands of children across the country are still with the demoniacal parents who precipitated this nomenclature-based abuse. To see this, one has only to know that a handful of poor impulse control dads and enabling moms have stuck their brats with the name ESPN, in honor of the 24-hour cable sports network.
"Can I Tell You, Mom & Dad? Can I Tell You How Much I Hate You?"
Some Helpful Naming Tips:
- Avoid naming your children after alcoholic beverages. Weinhard and Jägermeister probably won’t think it’s as cute as you do.
- Parents whose last name is a verb should exercise EXTREME caution when naming their daughters to avoid the many call girl/exotic dancer combinations.
- Avoid creative spellings such as Kody, Ayden, Trevis and the like. Your child is not a heavy metal band.
- Only name your daughter “Chastity” if you’re a fan of irony.
Promethean Times 
Only recently did I give up on my Dick Swett shirt. Swett Gets Results!
We hope you disposed of it properly. We are HUGE fans of Dick Sweat. We don’t know a whole lot about the similarly-named congressman.
Another tip: Make sure your kid’s name doesn’t match the brand of a consumer product. For example, Mr. and Mrs. Jackson should have paused before naming their daughter Kendall.
Another kid-naming tip: Make sure the kid’s name doesn’t match the brand name of a consumer product. For example, Mr. and Mrs. Jackson should’ve paused before naming their daughter Kendall.
Sadly, you have to face the possibility that such occurrences are not accidents. Perhaps it was a missed attempt at “classy.”