By Smaktakula

Look--At Least Now You Know Now Why Your Pizza Tastes Like Monkey Ass On Cardboard.

Television commercials are subject to the same limitations as all human endeavors: they don’t always turn out the way they’re supposed to.  Advertising can be particularly vulnerable to this in that failure might not only mean that a spot was unable to steer buyers toward a product, but that it actually turned existing buyers away.

These Horrifying Simulacra Did Not Encourage Customers To Buy Duracell Batteries. Rather, They Caused Terror-Induced Incontinence.

At the same time, innovations such as digital recording which make it easier to skip through commercials have given advertisers greater anxiety that their message not be heard.  Increasingly these advertisers are forced to concoct new and outlandish advertising campaigns to seize–however briefly–the viewer’s consciousness before his moth-like attention span gives way.

This Advertising Campaign Was Funny . . . (Wait For It) . . . About A Million Years Ago.

Sometimes, as in the case of GEICO’s ‘Cavemen‘ or the ‘Old Spice Man‘ commercials, a radical vision can portray an existing product in a fresh light.  More often, however, these attempts are forgettable misfires, quickly relegated to the dustbin of commercial history.

"But You Know What Would Really Help Us Sell Our Sandwiches?--A Horrifying Creature That Looks Like What You'd See If You Swallowed An Eye-Dropper Full Of LSD While Battling A 104° Fever."

But there exists an odious few campaigns, spectacular misfires which have been elevated to the pantheon of all-time rancid commercials, which cling in the mind like dog shit on the bottom of a shoe.  One such commercial campaign was Domino’s late, but certainly unlamented, ‘Bad Andy.’  Around the Turn of the Century, Bad Andy stunk up the airwaves like nothing else.

We Don't Recall Anyone Asking For 'Gay Andy.'

“Bad Andy, Good Pizza.”  Conceived upon a foundation of fallacies, the campaign was doomed to fail.  The first of these was the mistaken belief that, despite the cautionary example of Pets.com, sock puppets would appeal to anyone but the poorest of children.  The second miscalculation was even more severe: a failure to recognize that a feces-flinging primate run amok inside a pizza parlor is not only unappealing, but shockingly unhygienic.

Don't Be Alarmed--She's An Actress And Wasn't At All Hurt During The Filming Of This Classic Scene. Of Course, She's Dead Now.

Thanks to the magic of the marketplace, consumers quickly convinced Domino’s that the savory aroma of fresh pizza and the nasty funk of the zoo’s monkey house were two tastes which didn’t belong together.  Bad Andy was unceremoniously yanked from television, and with the exception of a brief stint as Deputy Director of FEMA in August of 2005, the irritating puppet has maintained a low profile ever since.

Bad Andy’s debut!

The mouth-watering stank of moist primate:

And he’s a fucking thief now . . .

Me vale madre! Bad Andy en Espanol!

Jeez. Maybe They Should Call You 'Sleazy Andy.'

Want more shitty commercials?  Try these:

Bush’s Original Baked Beans

The Olive Garden

A1 Steak Sauce