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Category Archives: Scandal

Careless Boy’s Mother Ruins A Good Thing

03 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, General Foolishness, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

California, Christine Shreeve Hubbs, coming of age, Coo Coo Ca-Choo!, cougars, double standards, hot sex offenders, molestation, Mrs. Robinson, nice job Mom, sex and firearms, sexual predators, skankery, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, The Graduate

By Smaktakula

"Mrs. Robinson, You're Trying To Molest Me."

Livermore, California: A local skank faces 67 charges related to sexual acts with teenage boys.  Christine Shreeve Hubbs, 42, is said to have engaged in the scandalous behavior with two junior high school students, both in her home as well as in a motel. 

Hubbs is also facing several charges relating to contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  She is alleged to have purchased BB guns  for her two victims, and allowed them to perform “drive-bys” from the back of her moving Hummer.  The victims also add that Hubbs plied them with gift cards and cash.   

And Here's To You, Ms. Hubbs. Adolescent Boys Love You More Than You Will Ever Know. Coo Coo Ca-Choo!

As with all good things, this idyllic life of sex, easy cash and firearms was destined to end.  One of the boys was careless with his cell phone, which contained nude pictures of Hubbs.  The boy’s snooping mother found the pictures and called the police, who brought this charming coming-of-age story to an abrupt and frustrating end. 

How events might have unfolded differently if the boy’s father had stumbled across the phone before his mother can only be conjectured.          

Because Opportunities Like This Come Along So Frequently When You're Fourteen.

When am I gonna get over this?  I don’t know, Mom–How about NEVER?

Skanks In The Crosshairs, Part I: Twilight Of The Strumpets

25 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, Music, National Events, North America, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

21st Century, AIDS, American Freedoms, anti-skank bigotry, Barack Obama, bigotry, Brazil, Britney Spears, Canada, celebriskanks, China, Co-Ed Sex Tryouts, crazy bald Britney, death by stoning, Europe, Flower of American Skankhood, Girls Gone Wild, India, intolerance, Joe Francis, Kim Kardashian, Lawrence Fishburne, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, man-skanks, Mary Kay Letourneau, Montana Fishburne, Nicole Ritchie, Obama Administration, Obama's war on skanks, Paris Hilton, prudery, sex tape, Sexual Revolution, Shannon Elizabeth, skankery, skankism, skanks, skonkery, skonks, straight-to-DVD, Tara Reid, Thailand, United States of America, Vili Fualaau

By Smaktakula

Flower of American Skankhood: LiLo Mimes Fellatio For An Approving Audience.

The 21st Century promises to be a cold one for women of easy virtue.  Harlots, hos, sluts, wayward girls, hussies (both brazen and wanton), tramps, Run-Around Sues, bad girls, seductresses, chickenheads, homewreckers, libertines, gold diggers, skanks, loose women, hose-monsters, skeezers, camp tramps, tarts, women of ill repute and those of low moral fibre, free love enthusiasts, Sybarites, Jezebels, bimbos, wenches bawdy and tawdry, fuck buddies, the wrong sort, your friend’s cousin Sarah with the lazy eye, floozies, Lolitas, cougars, girls who you know, groupies, mattress backs, sure things, women named for places or emotions, hootchies, friends with benefits, supafreaks, poxy lasses, demimondes, succubi, skags, slags, vamps, the girl your mother warned you about and even the occasional adulteress have suddenly found themselves very much alone.

The Hard Part Isn't Someday Telling Your Children That You Participated In The Girls Gone Wild Co-Ed Sex Tryouts; It's Telling Them You Were Voted MVP Three Years Running.

It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago tramps were a beloved, if not respected, part of the national social fabric.  During the Sexual Revolution, strumpetry gained such a seemingly intractable foothold within Western culture that it appeared nothing–not even the AIDS virus–could stop it.

Forty short years later the world is a very different place.  Awash in a wave of anti-skank sentiment, many countries are taking extreme measures to eliminate skankery altogether.  India’s reputation for anti-skank bigotry–or skankism— is well-deserved.  But the world hears little about skank repression in countries like China, where it is rumored that hos are forced to live in squalid re-education centers; or Iran, where strumpetry is punishable by stoning in some cases.

Today the United States and Canada, Eastern Europe and Thailand, are the last bastions of skankery.  But even in these once-safe havens, it appears time is running out.  In the United States, skankhood–long considered a cherished freedom by Americans–is facing a relentless attack.

FACT: How You View This Relationship Depends Upon Your Gender.

Not long ago, lifting up your shirt for a sweaty asshole with a camera would net you a shitty T-Shirt and enough self-loathing to last a lifetime.  Now you only get the shame.

Circa 2006, a strategically released sex-tape was the best shot at success for moderately-to-very attractive but talentless ‘actresses.’  One has only to remember the meteoric rise to vacuous stardom of Hilton and Kim Kardashian after their sex tapes were released.  But times have changed.  Recently, when tiresome jackass Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter Montana attempted to gain publicity for her own intentionally released sex tape, she was given the cold shoulder by the press.  The media sources all cited the usual reasons for the snub–questionable values, poor production and a complete lack of interest from the public due to Montana’s negligible body of work, etc.–but many feel that skankism is the cause.

Every Time Smaktakula Has Been In Paris He Has Quickly Regretted The Experience: It is Filthy, Pungent And Remarkable For Its Lack Of Native English-Speakers.

Skank arrests in the United States have more than quadrupled in the last few years.  Among the more high-profile busts are such celebriskanks as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, or skank males–better known as skonks, such as oily pornographer, Joe Francis.  Fearing for their safety, many skanks have gone underground.  Others, such as actresses Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth have pledged only to appear in  no-budget straight-to-DVD productions until they are destigmatized.  Britney Spears famously cut off her hair in protest.

Sorry Britney: Folks Just Aren't That Into Crazy Bald Chicks. Elton John Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

Will strumpets, tramps and hos become a nostalgic relic of yesteryear America, like the mighty buffalo which once covered the Great Plains?  If the Obama Administration gets its way, the answer is yes.  The Obama Administration has made it a top priority to end Skankism in the United States by 2024, with a broader goal of stamping out skankism world-wide by 2040.

Coming Soon: Obama v. Snooki

The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Abraham Lincoln, Adolf Hitler, Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, Big Bird, Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Bush 41, Bush 43, Colin Farrell, crabs, David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, Elmo, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Fred, George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, herpes, heterosexuality, homosexuality, J. Robert Oppenheimer, jackassery, James Bond, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Johnny Depp, Karl Marx, Keith Richards, man-skanks, man-whores, Mick Jagger, misconceptions regarding skanks, Mohandas Gandhi, Morrissey, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pat Sajak, Paul McCartney, People Magazine, Richard M. Nixon, Russell Crowe, Sherlock Holmes, skankery, skanks, Skanks in the Crosshairs, skonk, skonkery, skonks, Slick Willy, STDs, Stephen Morrissey, tabloids, Thomas Jefferson, W, whoredom, William Henry Harrison, William Jefferson Clinton, William McKinley, Woodrow Wilson, Woody Allen, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room.  The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations.  Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks.  Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks.  A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known.  Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood.  In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population.  It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males.  The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation.  One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude.  In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole.  One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks.  Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks.  Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

Share More Than Herpes With Facebook

CNN Refuses To Forget About Ted Stevens

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, National Events, People, Politics, Scandal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

airplane, Alaska, CNN, corrupt politicians, corruption, death by airplane, former senator, not a big truck, obituary, plane crash, politicians, Republican Party, Senator Stevens, series of tubes, Ted Stevens, Ted Stevens is dead, untimely deaths

By Smaktakula

CNN’s piece, Former Sen. Ted Stevens Remembered, proves that even though the world has known of his death for a few hours now, he’s by no means forgotten.

Reportedly Very Pleased To Be Wrapped In The Warm Glow Of Nostalgia Accorded To The Recently Dead. He Would Appreciate If You Would Kindly Forget About The Corruption And Calling The Internet "A Series Of Tubes."

Happy Thoughts For Tuesday: Thank God Michael Lohan Isn’t Your Dad

03 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

avoiding responsibility, Bitch better have my money, bottom bitch, Branson, Brian Kaelin, Calcutta, cockroach, Dina Lohan, douchebaggery, famous for nothing, fare-dodgers, Fifteen Minutes of Fame, Frank Kapra, gaywads, gold digger, happy thoughts, India, It's A Wonderful Life, K-Fed, Kato Kaelin, Kevin Federline, LEAVE LINDSAY ALONE!!!, LiLo, Lindbergh Baby, Lindbergh Kidnapping, Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan's father, making excuses, massive gaywad, Michael Lohan, Michael Lohan is a turd with eyes, Missouri, parasite, Periplaneta lohanis, remora, shitty parents, social climber, Space Shuttle Challenger, suckerfish, taking responsibility, the coke favored by Clan Lohan is neither a coal by-product nor a cola, unctuous pimp, vampire

By Smaktakula

In the tradition of such illustrious space-wasters as Brian “Kato” Kaelin and Kevin “K-Fed” Federline, unctuous pimp Michael Lohan has managed to keep food in his belly by crafting a persona famous for being semi-famous.  Lohan, no doubt a subscriber to the maxim, “All Roads Lead To Branson,” evinces no embarrassment that his appropriated “career” is supported only by clinging pathetically to his out-of-control offspring with all the tenacity and class of a Calcutta fare-dodger.

Lohan: Not A Homosexual, But A Massive Gaywad Nonetheless.

With Lohan’s bottom bitch in rehab following a short stint in jail, the talentless remora’s earning power has been drastically curtailed.  Typically, a cockroach will exhaust all means of escape when caught by surprise on a brightly lit kitchen floor. Periplaneta lohanis, a rare but particularly unpleasant sub-species, displays a markedly perverse tendency to do the opposite.  Rather than flee, Lohan is attracted to anything bright and shiny, scurrying from spotlight to spotlight in a desperate effort to wring every last drop from his fifteen minutes of unearned notoriety.

In a recent interview Lohan gushed, “I definitely blame myself and take responsibility for where my daughter is.”  It is extremely unlikely that Lohan would be so quick to take responsibility for his daughter’s actions if doing so carried with it any consequences.  However, since soul-searching self-recrimination costs Lohan nothing, and is unlikely to deprive him of his freedom, he can use it as a sop to the five or six people who have somehow managed to convince themselves that this leering cretin has in any way his daughter’s interests at heart.

Bonding With The Progeny: Bitch Better Have My Money.

It is certainly true that Lohan, abetted by his despicable ex-wife Dina, was a thoroughly shitty parent, and Promethean Times would like nothing better than to assign to Lohan the blame not only for the ruination of his own daughter, but also for such varied disasters as the kidnapping of the Lindbergh Baby, the Challenger Explosion, and greenlighting  New Coke.

Moreover, you can bet that no one holds Michael Lohan more responsible for the former starlet’s wretched condition than does his daughter, who has demonstrated a nearly sociopathic refusal to accept responsibility for her actions.  Nonetheless, it must generally be agreed that at some point a 24-year old woman is responsible for her own disastrous choices. With only two or three years at most left to live, Lindsay would be well-served to spend her remaining days judiciously.  Although such an outcome is unlikely, the younger Lohan can be thankful at least that her father cannot live her life for her.

Reminiscent Of Kapra's 'It's A Wonderful Life,' Lindsay Is Given The Opportunity To See What Her Father's Life Would Be Like If She Had Never Been Born.

Despite his staggering lack of either merit or talent, Michael Lohan stands head and shoulders above the teeming legions of Hollywood hangers-on.  It’s no feat to be hated by your ex-wife, and neither does the animosity directed at Lohan by his own offspring set him apart from rank-and-file deadbeats throughout the world.  Rather, it  is his perverse compulsion to share with the world through the miracle of the 24-hour news cycle his complete and utter failure as a father, husband and human being that catapults Michael Lohan into stratospheric company among the world’s elite paragons of cretinous douchebaggery.

This Day In History: July 19, 1969 CE

19 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History, Mythology, National Events, National Politics, People, Politics, Relationships, Scandal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1969, Camelot, champion of women's rights, Chappaquiddick Island, Dead Kennedys, Edward Moore Kennedy, July 19, Kennedy curse, Kennedy legacy, Lion of the Senate, Martha's Vinyard, Mary Jo Kopechne, Massachusetts, Michael Skakel, Senator Kennedy, Ted Kennedy, Teddy Kennedy, this day in history

On which Edward Moore Kennedy drowns his sorrows, then pays her parents $90K to put the distasteful and unfortunate affair behind him.

Call The Noted Champion Of Women's Rights A Hypocrite If You Must, But Ted Kennedy Never Pretended To Be Pro-Life.

At Least We Can All Agree That He Was No Skakel.

America’s Favorite White Trash Soap Opera Renewed For Another Season

16 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, National Events, People, Politics, Relationships, Scandal

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Alaska, baby daddy, baby mama, Bristol Palin, engagement, hicks, Levi Johnston, rednecks, reunion, Sarah Palin, spectacle, white trash

‘Cause Bristol and Levi are back together, Y’all!

Levi Johnston And Baby Mama: True Love Is Forever

The Odds Against Levi Dying A Natural Death Are Currently 14:1-Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston reveal engagement – TODAY People – TODAYshow.com.

Smaktakula

Happy Thoughts For Friday: Be Glad You’re Not This Guy

16 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, General Foolishness, Health, History, Justice, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

abusive asshole, alcohol abuse, asshat, divorce, domestic violence, famous for nothing, happy thoughts, irony, John Wayne Bobbitt, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, severed penis, spousal abuse

By Smaktakula

Abusive inebriate John Wayne Bobbitt was such a cock-knocker that in 1993 his wife Lorena severed half his penis, hurling the bloody nugget into a field.  

The missing member was recovered after an exhaustive search, and the cock (by which we mean the ironically-named Bobbitt) made whole.          

Sadly, the couple divorced in 1995.         

Not Only Did JWB Lose Sensation In His Penis, But Also Any Notion Of Dignity.

Pakistanis Flogging The Little Infidel More Than Previously Thought

15 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Islam, Middle East, People, Relationships, Scandal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

aberrant sexual behavior, bestiality, camels, childish sexual innuendo, deviant behavior, donkeys, Google, Pakistan, Pakistani women, peeping cybertoms, porno movies, pornography, sex, sexual repression

According to the peeping cybertoms at Google, there’s more to Pakistan than lawless wastelands ravaged by years upon years of soul-grinding warfare.  Those proud Pashtuns are now able to call themselves the world leader in online searches involving pornographic terms.       

Pakistan is top dog in searches per-person for “horse sex” since 2004, “donkey sex” since 2007, “rape pictures” between 2004 and 2009, “rape sex” since 2004, “child sex” between 2004 and 2007 and since 2009, “animal sex” since 2004 and “dog sex” since 2005, according to Google Trends and Google Insights, features of Google that generate data based on popular search terms.       

The Pakistani Predilection For Perverse Porn Is Puzzling Given The Legendary Beauties Of Pakistan

That aberrant sexual behavior would arise within such a sexually stagnant culture comes as a surprise to some, notably the very stupid.       

That’s No Donkey–That’s My Wife.  And My Donkey: FOXNews.com – No. 1 Nation in Sexy Web Searches? Call it Pornistan.       

Smaktakula

Commercials We Do Not Like: Bush’s Original Baked Beans

06 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Commercials, Corporate Culture, Critters, General Foolishness, Justice, People, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

animal companion, Bush Brothers and Company, Bush Family, Bush's Original Baked Beans, canine psychosis, commercials we do not like, curs, Duke, golden retriever, Great Dane, Jay Bush, treachery

By Smaktakula

Jay Bush, the balding, squishy spokesperson for Bush’s Original Baked Beans seems like a nice enough guy.  With his rounded, non-threatening contours and schlumpy, vulnerable charm, Bush is an able enough pitchman for his family’s product.                 

Then there’s Duke, Bush’s golden retriever and sole confidant.  Two details about Duke serve as a radical distinction from other dogs.                 

1) Duke speaks.  This in itself is unusual, as human-like speech has previously only been evinced in some more advanced members of the Great Dane family.  In most cases, those animals formed words with great difficulty, and no one was likely to confuse them with a human speaker.  Duke speaks more eloquently than does his ostensible “master.”         

2) Whereas dogs, and golden retrievers in particular, are prized for their loyalty, Duke is a treacherous cur.  For reasons known only to the conniving canine, Duke is continually seeking to sell the Bush Family’s secret recipe to competitors.  That the animal is compelled to do this despite the near impossibility that Duke would be able to utilize any money he received from betraying the Bush Family, points to an advanced–and dangerous–psychosis.                

The fact that Duke, after several times nearly succeeding in selling the time-honored recipe, is still positioned so securely within the company should be troubling to stockholders.               

If the public face of Bush’s baked beans can’t command even the loyalty of his own dog, while at the same time choosing to remain ignorant to the mounting evidence of Duke’s perfidy, how much faith can the public have in Bush Brothers and Company?          

Accountability, and lack thereof, is a slippery slope.  One day America loves you for your savory products, the next some little girl finds half a pinky finger in her chile con carne.         

If Bush Brothers & Co. wishes to regain the trust of the baked beans buying public, they must take drastic and immediate action to reassure nervous shareholders that theirs is a company on the grow, free from internal distractions.                

They can start by killing that fucking dog.                

Here's My Concept. It Also Comes In 'Purse.'

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