19th Century French Literature, bovine-on-human violence, Cat in the Hat, CDSA, childish sexual innuendo, China, cock, CockBlog, comical despots, comical spelling errors, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel, craptastic eatery, curs, Donkey Kong, douchebaggery, dreadlocks, drugs, Duke, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fat people, female anatomy, Freddie Mercury, Fugeeman, George Sherrill, happy thoughts, hot and cold running chicks, Irene Folstrom, Islam, Jay Bush, Jean Valjean, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, K2, Les Miserables, madness, marijuana, Mauritanian Meat-Sword, Michael Lohan, Michael Lohan is a turd with eyes, Miley Cyrus, not what you were looking for?, old people, Olive Garden, Pakistan, pastaphilia, Pauly Shore, penis, penis-based racism, people of size, phallophilia, poor spelling, racism, rastaphilia, rave culture, Reverend Fred Phelps, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, senior citizens, sexy nurses, skankery, skankism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, Soylent Green, sweet sweet cheeba, the knacker, treachery, Turkish Tool, unctuous pimp, vagina, Victor Hugo, violence, virile He-Man, waddling grotesquery, Walt Stoelting, weed, Why am I so fat?, Wyclef Jean, your mother must be very proud
Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For? In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed.
You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For? Conversely, you might really dislike it. It’s not for us to decide.
promeethean times And wee’re off!
cock riders The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.
unemployment lazy Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.
skankist You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks. In the meantime, please enjoy.
sexy dick in mouth non Oui!
obama rethinking marijuana Will he rethink that rap video?
be glad you’re not that guy Oh, we are.
sexy man spaghetti Um.
anti george sherrill You’ll find a home here, friend.
jay bush bean prison If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail. And for Duke, the glue factory.
athretes Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.
michael lohan cock Isn’t he though?
fred phelps secret The secret is that he’s a raging homo.
fat people running Hmm, there’s something about this . . .
children running of the bulls spain . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem.
donkey cock Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?
walt stoelting blog Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.
wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide Oh, very clever. We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables. Actually, that is pretty clever. And pointless.
pauly shore weed It would explain a lot.
safe horse fuck movies We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.
miley cyrus delusional Totally.
abigail folger Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?
olive garden people They’re not people. THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap. We were thinking of Soylent Green.
the violence and madness of arab muslim Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out. We can’t help you.
nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh. Good . . . very good. Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing. TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!
beautiful dreadlock guy He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.
pakistani penis Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link. How about some Turkish Tool? No? Mauritanian Meat-Sword?
elderly remote Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote.
penis in bosses mouth Shh. Hush now, Boss. Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.
dirty mullet Is there any other kind?
happy thoughts Happy to oblige!
drugged raver Fish in a barrel, man. Fish in a barrel.
lorena bobbit and bull penis We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find. No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.
live aid Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What? He did? How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things? We’re so, so sorry.
asshole hairstyles So do you mean . . .? No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole. Pretty sure.
k2 inhalants Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.
black man cock Really? In 2010? Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis. We do judge by length and thickness, however. You have been warned.
vagina Okay, this one’s a fake. It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.
Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!
Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?