By Smaktakula
If You Ever Have The Opportunity To See One Of These Magnificent Creatures In The Wild, You're About To Die.
Little Truths: Tigers
09 Thursday Sep 2010
Posted in Critters, Duh, General Foolishness
Category Archives: Critters
Stuff You Probably Didn’t Know About Wilford Brimley
08 Wednesday Sep 2010
Tags
cockfighting, DIABEETUS, Diabetes, Diabetes Cat, Howard Hughes, It's the right thing to do, John Wayne, True Grit, Wilford Brimley
By Smaktakula
"Chicken Slaughtering Chicken. It's The Right Thing To Do."
- Got his acting start with an uncredited role in John Wayne’s True Grit.
- Once worked as a bodyguard for playboy-turned-recluse Howard Hughes.
- Is an unabashed supporter of cockfighting.
The Resemblance Really Is Uncanny. Poor Beast.
Man, The Discovery Channel Really Pissed That Guy Off
02 Thursday Sep 2010
Posted in Corporate Culture, Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Terrorism
Tags
assfaces who write manifestos, batshit crazy, crazy people, death by sniper, Discovery Channel, douchebaggery, environmentalism, James Lee, James Lee was batshit crazy, loveless loners, Old Yeller, Shark Week, Terrorism
By Smaktakula
Self-loathing nutjob James Lee stormed into the Discovery Channel offices Wednesday looking for justice. Instead, the environmental radical bumbled his way into a delicious pile of irony.
Lee’s apparent purpose was to serve as a sort of homicidal spokesperson for nature. The police obliged by shooting him down like a dog.
"Another Thing: Why Can't We Have 52 Weeks Of SHARK WEEK?" We Hear You, Brother.
Bonus: There’s one less nasty human messing up the planet. Way to take one for the team, Jim!
Things Worth Hoping For: Bert and Ernie
26 Thursday Aug 2010
Posted in Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, People, Relationships, Television
Tags
Bert, Bert & Ernie, Bert is the man, celebrity breakups, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, domestic violence, Ernie, firearm-related homicides, good manners, muppet-on-muppet violence, murder, proper behavior, Sesame Street, spousal abuse, the love which dare not speak its name
By Smaktakula
Even love has its limits. How much longer can Bert endure Ernie’s unending cavalcade of tedious bullshit?
Because Playing The Drums At 2 AM When Your Lover Is Trying To Sleep Is Very Rude, Ernie. Very, Very Rude.
Unsettling Urban Legend Springs To Hideous Life
16 Monday Aug 2010
Tags
cancer, decrepit old men, emphysema, grody, invasive organisms, legumes, lungs, medical horrors, parasites, pea sprout in lung, peas, Ron Sveden, sinister legume, spider eggs in envelope glue, urban legend, urban legends, wacky ideas, zombie-like pod person
By Smaktakula
Of All The Legumes, The Pea Is Far And Away The Biggest Asshole.
When longtime emphysema-sufferer Ron Sveden complained of chest pains, doctors immediately feared the worst. X-ray data seemed to support these concerns, revealing a small dark spot on one of Sveden’s lungs. The doctors gave the 75 year-old the bad news: It was most likely cancer.
Sveden’s doctors had reached the limits of their diagnostic powers; without a biopsy, a firm answer was impossible. The medical team began by cutting into Sveden’s sternum and cracking his ribs so that they could access the corrupted snotbags which had been lungs when Sveden was a boy.
The surgeon soon located an object corresponding to the black spot on the X-ray. It definitely wasn’t cancer. But what was it?
"Well, I'll Be Doggoned! It Was Just An Invasive Plant Growing Deep Within The Tissues Of Your Body. How Disturbingly Hilarious! I'm Literally Vomiting With Laughter!"
The doctors had a pretty good chuckle when they removed the strange, fluid-clotted object and cleared away the viscous afterbirth to reveal the culprit: a half-inch pea sprout.
It turns out that Ron inhaled a pea while eating without being aware of it, a rare oversight from a man who obviously had heretofore taken such meticulous care of his health. Its entry undetected, the sinister legume managed somehow to find a purchase among the dark and rotten scraps of Ron’s remaining lung tissue, where it began to grow.
There’s no way to know how large the parasitic pea would have grown if unchecked. Nor is it known whether the plant would have eventually taken control of Sveden, creating a zombie-like pod person to carry out its malign vegetative bidding. Fortunately, no one has even suggested that possibility.
Ron Sveden is said to be wheezing with joy at learning he doesn’t have cancer. Doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few months, barring the not-unlikely event that the old man expires from another of his myriad ailments.
NEXT WEEK: So Is It True That A Certain Spider Lays Its Eggs In Envelope Glue, And Then If Someone Licks The Envelope, A Few Days Later A Cascade Of Baby Spiders Will Erupt From Within Their Tongue? (SPOILER ALERT: It Totally Is.)
Eine Kleine Snatchmusik
12 Thursday Aug 2010
Posted in Art, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Social Networking
Tags
apologies to Mozart, attention-seeking celebrities, childish sexual innuendo, creativity, fecundity, human lava lamp, Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga's very talented vagina, Lady Minge, Lady Vajayjay, Polk High School JV Water Polo's very good day, Seriously? Do you even listen to the words coming out of your mouth?, servants' entrance, snatch, vagina, Vanity Fair, Vanity Fair is the Enquirer for college educated assholes
By Smaktakula
Lady Gaga, the intermittently interesting humanoid lava lamp, reveals to Vanity Fair the fecund loam from which, flower-like, her creativity springs.
“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone, they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”
"Which Is Why I Must Insist That My Gentleman Callers Kindly Use The Servants' Entrance."
This just in: Polk High School JV Water Polo team writes, composes and performs Grammy-nominated rock opera.
Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock
09 Monday Aug 2010
Posted in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs
Tags
19th Century French Literature, bovine-on-human violence, Cat in the Hat, CDSA, childish sexual innuendo, China, cock, CockBlog, comical despots, comical spelling errors, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel, craptastic eatery, curs, Donkey Kong, douchebaggery, dreadlocks, drugs, Duke, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fat people, female anatomy, Freddie Mercury, Fugeeman, George Sherrill, happy thoughts, hot and cold running chicks, Irene Folstrom, Islam, Jay Bush, Jean Valjean, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, K2, Les Miserables, madness, marijuana, Mauritanian Meat-Sword, Michael Lohan, Michael Lohan is a turd with eyes, Miley Cyrus, not what you were looking for?, old people, Olive Garden, Pakistan, pastaphilia, Pauly Shore, penis, penis-based racism, people of size, phallophilia, poor spelling, racism, rastaphilia, rave culture, Reverend Fred Phelps, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, senior citizens, sexy nurses, skankery, skankism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, Soylent Green, sweet sweet cheeba, the knacker, treachery, Turkish Tool, unctuous pimp, vagina, Victor Hugo, violence, virile He-Man, waddling grotesquery, Walt Stoelting, weed, Why am I so fat?, Wyclef Jean, your mother must be very proud
By Smaktakula
Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For? In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed.
You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For? Conversely, you might really dislike it. It’s not for us to decide.
promeethean times And wee’re off!
cock riders The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.
unemployment lazy Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.
skankist You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks. In the meantime, please enjoy.
sexy dick in mouth non Oui!
obama rethinking marijuana Will he rethink that rap video?
be glad you’re not that guy Oh, we are.
sexy man spaghetti Um.
anti george sherrill You’ll find a home here, friend.
jay bush bean prison If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail. And for Duke, the glue factory.
athretes Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.
michael lohan cock Isn’t he though?
fred phelps secret The secret is that he’s a raging homo.
fat people running Hmm, there’s something about this . . .
children running of the bulls spain . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem.
donkey cock Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?
walt stoelting blog Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.
wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide Oh, very clever. We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables. Actually, that is pretty clever. And pointless.
pauly shore weed It would explain a lot.
safe horse fuck movies We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.
miley cyrus delusional Totally.
abigail folger Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?
olive garden people They’re not people. THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap. We were thinking of Soylent Green.
the violence and madness of arab muslim Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out. We can’t help you.
nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh. Good . . . very good. Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing. TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!
beautiful dreadlock guy He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.
pakistani penis Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link. How about some Turkish Tool? No? Mauritanian Meat-Sword?
elderly remote Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote.
penis in bosses mouth Shh. Hush now, Boss. Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.
dirty mullet Is there any other kind?
happy thoughts Happy to oblige!
drugged raver Fish in a barrel, man. Fish in a barrel.
lorena bobbit and bull penis We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find. No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.
live aid Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What? He did? How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things? We’re so, so sorry.
asshole hairstyles So do you mean . . .? No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole. Pretty sure.
k2 inhalants Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.
black man cock Really? In 2010? Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis. We do judge by length and thickness, however. You have been warned.
vagina Okay, this one’s a fake. It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.
Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!
The Bull Doesn’t Always Lose
21 Wednesday Jul 2010
Posted in Crime, Critters, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, Sports
Tags
aquatic mammals, birds, Blame Canada!, bovine-on-human violence, bovines, British Columbia, bull riding death, Canada, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Emil Haagerdäddi, goring, Holy Cow!, idiots, India, kill-crazy beast, Makwala Derrickson Hall, matadors, NO BULL, rodeo, running of the bulls, sharks, two last names
By Smaktakula
Although much has been made of the danger posed by birds, sharks and aquatic mammals, humans have long been tolerant, and even affectionate toward bovines. Regarded as likable, if stupid creatures throughout the world, and revered in places like India, the bovine family is accorded a respect second only to that given to canines.
Never Trust A Smiling Bull.
A recent incident in British Columbia may put bovines’ most-favored-species status in jeopardy. Last week an eighteen-year-old bull rider, Makwala Derrickson Hall, was struck in the side by a bull during an event. Derrickson Hall died before medical help reached him.
There are many theories that seek to explain why the bull went rogue. An early theory, quickly discarded, imagined the incident as an unfortunate accident, adding that when dealing with wild animals, occasionally something terrible will happen.
Most experts consider this explanation childishly simple at best, and at its worst, dangerously naive. Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman of South-Central Montana Community College’s Department of Rodeo Studies, believes that the bull didn’t recognize the rider as a professional. Says Haagerdäddi:
“Derrickson Hall had two disadvantages going into this contest, neither of which was his fault. The first, obviously, was his Canadian citizenship. I don’t know how many times I’ll have to say this: Canadians have no place in rodeo.”
When asked how Canadians will react to his statement, the professor sighs, “Oh, there’ll be a burning maple leaf on my lawn tonight. It won’t be the first time.”
“Derrickson Hall’s second and more pronounced disadvantage,” the professor continues, “Is his unusual last name. He’s got one too many. In rodeo having two first names is so common place as to be de rigueur. I can’t tell you how many Jesse Lees and Billy Joes have strapped on the spurs, but not too many Derrickson Halls. And Makwala? Well, you just can’t expect the bull to respect that, now can you?”
There are a great many others, however, who feel that this is more than one rogue bull trying to make his bones. One organization which believes this way is NO BULL, a pro-humanist charity. NO BULL’s spokesperson pointed to the alarming rise in goring, both among matadors in the bullring as well as idiots who participate in Spain’s famed running of the bulls. “We feel that these recent events are not accidental, and that they are being directed by an unseen hoof.”
This Kill-Crazy Beast Ate Its Way Through Three Riders And Nine Rodeo Clowns Before It Was Finally Brought Down.
It’s too early to tell if bovine-on-human violence is a growing trend or merely a series of unfortunate coincidences. Until we know for sure, it’s all eyes on the cows.
Not What You Were Looking For?
07 Wednesday Jul 2010
Posted in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs
Tags
asshat, backwater shithole, Baseball, brilliant dirty weirdos, Bush 41, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, choking game, comical despots, Confucius, cooze, crazy bastard, Dear Leader, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dwarf, Gary Coleman, George Bush Sr., George Herbert Walker Bush, hemp, herpes, hippies, huffing, India, Jackpot, K2, Kim Jong-il, lactating, lesbians, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, marijuana, midget, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Morris the Cat, Nevada, not what you were looking for?, pot, reefer, Shannon Price, small black actor, sniper, Somali pirates, sweet sweet cheeba, Thinksquad, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart is evil, weed, Wikipedia, your mother must be very proud, Zen koan
By Smaktakula
We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us. Of course, this is sometimes not the case.
Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.
small black actor died We can do that.
gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone. What the hell is wrong with you people?
lindsay lohan child pics We’re hoping you mean stills from her films. We can help you here and here. But if that’s not what you mean, maybe this is more your speed, Creepo.
Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.
K2 We can do that.
huffing And that.
choking game That too.
somali pirates We can do that.
freshy somalis Um.
backwater shithole We can do that.
proud herpes There’s a proud kind? Damn. Smaktakula kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.
difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us. Try Wikipedia, Asshat.
bush pukes on japanese We can do that.
lesbian lactating Ew. We don’t do that. Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.
kim jong il sad Try Thinksquad. Those crazy bastards are fucking with the Dear Leader as we speak.
dirty russian Hmm. Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.
shannon price evil And a cooze!
pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom. Inquire for purchase.
what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years. In the meantime, try this.
fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!
charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.
is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.
giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?
indian sniper We can do that.
man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.
*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.
Commercials We Do Not Like: Bush’s Original Baked Beans
06 Tuesday Jul 2010
Posted in Commercials, Corporate Culture, Critters, General Foolishness, Justice, People, Relationships, Scandal, Television
Tags
animal companion, Bush Brothers and Company, Bush Family, Bush's Original Baked Beans, canine psychosis, commercials we do not like, curs, Duke, golden retriever, Great Dane, Jay Bush, treachery
By Smaktakula
Jay Bush, the balding, squishy spokesperson for Bush’s Original Baked Beans seems like a nice enough guy. With his rounded, non-threatening contours and schlumpy, vulnerable charm, Bush is an able enough pitchman for his family’s product.
Then there’s Duke, Bush’s golden retriever and sole confidant. Two details about Duke serve as a radical distinction from other dogs.
1) Duke speaks. This in itself is unusual, as human-like speech has previously only been evinced in some more advanced members of the Great Dane family. In most cases, those animals formed words with great difficulty, and no one was likely to confuse them with a human speaker. Duke speaks more eloquently than does his ostensible “master.”
2) Whereas dogs, and golden retrievers in particular, are prized for their loyalty, Duke is a treacherous cur. For reasons known only to the conniving canine, Duke is continually seeking to sell the Bush Family’s secret recipe to competitors. That the animal is compelled to do this despite the near impossibility that Duke would be able to utilize any money he received from betraying the Bush Family, points to an advanced–and dangerous–psychosis.
The fact that Duke, after several times nearly succeeding in selling the time-honored recipe, is still positioned so securely within the company should be troubling to stockholders.
If the public face of Bush’s baked beans can’t command even the loyalty of his own dog, while at the same time choosing to remain ignorant to the mounting evidence of Duke’s perfidy, how much faith can the public have in Bush Brothers and Company?
Accountability, and lack thereof, is a slippery slope. One day America loves you for your savory products, the next some little girl finds half a pinky finger in her chile con carne.
If Bush Brothers & Co. wishes to regain the trust of the baked beans buying public, they must take drastic and immediate action to reassure nervous shareholders that theirs is a company on the grow, free from internal distractions.
They can start by killing that fucking dog.
Here's My Concept. It Also Comes In 'Purse.'
Promethean Times 