By Smaktakula

Jay Bush, the balding, squishy spokesperson for Bush’s Original Baked Beans seems like a nice enough guy.  With his rounded, non-threatening contours and schlumpy, vulnerable charm, Bush is an able enough pitchman for his family’s product.                 

Then there’s Duke, Bush’s golden retriever and sole confidant.  Two details about Duke serve as a radical distinction from other dogs.                 

1) Duke speaks.  This in itself is unusual, as human-like speech has previously only been evinced in some more advanced members of the Great Dane family.  In most cases, those animals formed words with great difficulty, and no one was likely to confuse them with a human speaker.  Duke speaks more eloquently than does his ostensible “master.”         

2) Whereas dogs, and golden retrievers in particular, are prized for their loyalty, Duke is a treacherous cur.  For reasons known only to the conniving canine, Duke is continually seeking to sell the Bush Family’s secret recipe to competitors.  That the animal is compelled to do this despite the near impossibility that Duke would be able to utilize any money he received from betraying the Bush Family, points to an advanced–and dangerous–psychosis.                

The fact that Duke, after several times nearly succeeding in selling the time-honored recipe, is still positioned so securely within the company should be troubling to stockholders.               

If the public face of Bush’s baked beans can’t command even the loyalty of his own dog, while at the same time choosing to remain ignorant to the mounting evidence of Duke’s perfidy, how much faith can the public have in Bush Brothers and Company?          

Accountability, and lack thereof, is a slippery slope.  One day America loves you for your savory products, the next some little girl finds half a pinky finger in her chile con carne.         

If Bush Brothers & Co. wishes to regain the trust of the baked beans buying public, they must take drastic and immediate action to reassure nervous shareholders that theirs is a company on the grow, free from internal distractions.                

They can start by killing that fucking dog.