• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Tag Archives: pizza

Headlines 10.07.11

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, African famine, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Budweiser, butterface, death by drowning, debt crisis, Democrats, Europe, great white shark, headlines, hos, Indiana, living in a van down by the river, Matt Foley, Mississippi, online dating, perverts, pizza, Poltergeist, prostitution, Republicans, reset button, skunky beer, Somalia, South Korea, Tanzania, tapeworms, TV for idiots, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, vegans, Vermont, White House, you're welcome

By Smaktakula

Well, Bless Their Hearts.

In which we opine on the latest headlines, without bothering to first read the stories.

***

Seoul to Introduce Female-Only Subway Cars 

  • Korean perverts to introduce hidden cameras to female-only subway cars.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression

  • It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Suspect arrested while trying to bail out ally 

  • There is honor among thieves, just no common sense.

Bill Clinton, on his 65th birthday, has gone vegan

  •  That’s a misprint.  Rather than ‘gone vegan’ it should read ‘done Meagan.’

Like You’d Do Any Differently In His Position.

Exposed coffins, destroyed homes in Vt. town

  • Sweet!  A Poltergeist remake.

Deportation policy angers bloggers

  • Yeah, but when you have no real friends and a surfeit of free time, you tend to get irritated pretty easily.

Tradition forces girls into prostitution 

  • “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza? 

  • The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

Beachgoers in Venice Rescue Stranded Great White Shark 

  • The freed predator wasted no time before devouring a surfer.

Europe’s debt could sink US

  •  This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US was obliged to pay.

Avez-Vous Des Remerciements? Non? Ah, C’est La Vie.

Indiana State Fair stage collapse claims sixth victim 

  • Is that thing still on the loose?

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims 

  • If it bothers you so much, eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Online dating? Why no one wants you 

  • Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors.  Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

It’s Like Putting Fancy Rims On A ’78 Pacer.

President Obama goes for a reset on jobs 

  • Because neither ‘Do Over’ nor ‘We Take It Back‘ sounded quite right.

Ashton Kutcher’s second ‘Two and a Half Men’ episode: Do we still care?

  • That you ever did says a lot about you.

White House Future Is Now, Many Republicans Conclude

  •  No, by definition, now is the present and the future is yet to come.  And they say the Democrats can’t get their shit together.

Funk Legend Living In A Van 

  • The van’s funk is said to be legendary.

The Most Highly-Prized Locale For The Van-Dweller Is, Of Course, Down By The River.

Tanzania: Horror As 180 People Perish in Ferry Accident 

  • Dear God!  At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON!  Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!

Why I Don’t Drink Budweiser…and Why I’m Not Alone

  • Because fermented goat semen just doesn’t taste that hot.

How Did the Robot End Up With My Job? 

  • For starters, the LaborTron3K doesn’t come to work hung over, steal paperclips or grope the copy boy.  Plus, you’re ugly.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny.

  • The secret is tapeworms.

Proper Sanitation And Hygiene Save Lives.

See Also:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII

Commercials We Do Not Like: Bad Andy

22 Tuesday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

"I've fallen and I can't get up!", A1 Steak Sauce, advertising, Bad Andy, Bush's Original Baked Beans, Commercials, commercials we do not like, Domino's Pizza, drugs, Duracell Family, feces-flinging primates, FEMA, fever hallucinations, GEICO Cavemen, LSD, magic of the marketplace, Old Spice Man, Olive Garden, people with short attention spans, Pets.com, pizza, puppets, Quizno's, Raggedy Andy, sock puppets, spokescreature, Spongemonkeys, TV

By Smaktakula

Look--At Least Now You Know Now Why Your Pizza Tastes Like Monkey Ass On Cardboard.

Television commercials are subject to the same limitations as all human endeavors: they don’t always turn out the way they’re supposed to.  Advertising can be particularly vulnerable to this in that failure might not only mean that a spot was unable to steer buyers toward a product, but that it actually turned existing buyers away.

These Horrifying Simulacra Did Not Encourage Customers To Buy Duracell Batteries. Rather, They Caused Terror-Induced Incontinence.

At the same time, innovations such as digital recording which make it easier to skip through commercials have given advertisers greater anxiety that their message not be heard.  Increasingly these advertisers are forced to concoct new and outlandish advertising campaigns to seize–however briefly–the viewer’s consciousness before his moth-like attention span gives way.

This Advertising Campaign Was Funny . . . (Wait For It) . . . About A Million Years Ago.

Sometimes, as in the case of GEICO’s ‘Cavemen‘ or the ‘Old Spice Man‘ commercials, a radical vision can portray an existing product in a fresh light.  More often, however, these attempts are forgettable misfires, quickly relegated to the dustbin of commercial history.

"But You Know What Would Really Help Us Sell Our Sandwiches?--A Horrifying Creature That Looks Like What You'd See If You Swallowed An Eye-Dropper Full Of LSD While Battling A 104° Fever."

But there exists an odious few campaigns, spectacular misfires which have been elevated to the pantheon of all-time rancid commercials, which cling in the mind like dog shit on the bottom of a shoe.  One such commercial campaign was Domino’s late, but certainly unlamented, ‘Bad Andy.’  Around the Turn of the Century, Bad Andy stunk up the airwaves like nothing else.

We Don't Recall Anyone Asking For 'Gay Andy.'

“Bad Andy, Good Pizza.”  Conceived upon a foundation of fallacies, the campaign was doomed to fail.  The first of these was the mistaken belief that, despite the cautionary example of Pets.com, sock puppets would appeal to anyone but the poorest of children.  The second miscalculation was even more severe: a failure to recognize that a feces-flinging primate run amok inside a pizza parlor is not only unappealing, but shockingly unhygienic.

Don't Be Alarmed--She's An Actress And Wasn't At All Hurt During The Filming Of This Classic Scene. Of Course, She's Dead Now.

Thanks to the magic of the marketplace, consumers quickly convinced Domino’s that the savory aroma of fresh pizza and the nasty funk of the zoo’s monkey house were two tastes which didn’t belong together.  Bad Andy was unceremoniously yanked from television, and with the exception of a brief stint as Deputy Director of FEMA in August of 2005, the irritating puppet has maintained a low profile ever since.

Bad Andy’s debut!

The mouth-watering stank of moist primate:

And he’s a fucking thief now . . .

Me vale madre! Bad Andy en Espanol!

Jeez. Maybe They Should Call You 'Sleazy Andy.'

Want more shitty commercials?  Try these:

Bush’s Original Baked Beans

The Olive Garden

A1 Steak Sauce

Pepperoni, Sausage, Simplex

12 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad decisions, childish sexual innuendo, foul and disgusting things, Gonorrhea Twists, herpes, Herpes Pie, herpes pizza, herpes simplex, pizza, poorly-chosen names, STDs, STDs are no laughing matter!, Syphilis Whips, the gift that keeps on giving, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

Take a hard look at the image below.  Do you notice anything unpleasant about the sign above the pizza shop?

This Chain Famously Shuts Its Doors For Months At A Time, Only To Appear At Your Door As If By Magic Just As You're Getting Ready For A Really Nice (And Now Hopefully, Understanding) Meal.

Good eye, folks!  Not only does the sign employ a color scheme so vulgar in its crass insouciance to almost defy description, but the antiquated font harkens back to the days of the Silicon Valley Boom, and frankly is a little hard to read.

“So that’s one family size Herpes Pie and four medium Cokes.  Did you wanna take home any Gonorrhea Twists or Syphilis Whips tonight?”

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • Diff'rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone
  • Mark Wahlberg Is Nothing Without The Funky Bunch. Nothing!
  • Another Shining Light Extinguished Too Soon
  • Mullets Are Slightly Less Heinous Than Fauxhawks
  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • Commercials We Do Not Like: A1 Steak Sauce
  • All-Star Celebarrassments: Billy Carter

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

  • Teachable Moments prometheantimes.com/2015/10/15/tea… http://t.co/QFzhCOBHaO 4 years ago
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight prometheantimes.com/2015/10/01/the… http://t.co/lY6IVUWzYV 4 years ago
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’ prometheantimes.com/2015/09/23/my-… http://t.co/izgO4yJppn 4 years ago
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/08/17/she… http://t.co/0svsAHygLs 4 years ago
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/07/31/wel… http://t.co/tvFvovXjTX 4 years ago
Follow @prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

December 2019
M T W T F S S
« Oct    
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031  

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim on People Actually Believe That?…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
tomsimard on Sadly, Anne Heche Still L…
Smaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Anonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…

Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Blog at WordPress.com.

Cancel