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Tag Archives: Crystal Harris

Hugh Hefner: Why Is Grandpa Crying?

20 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

creepy old perverts, Crystal Harris, D-Listers, Dracula, elder abuse, floozies, gold digger, Greta Van Susteren, Hugh Hefner, human souls, jilted, left at the alter, May-December romances, old people, Pandora's Box, Playboy, Playboy Mansion, porn empire, pornography, Ryan Reynolds, strumpets, that old person smell, that trick never works, the best laid plans of mice and men, Viagra

By Smaktakula

No, Son--Grandpa's Not Crying. He Just Gets A Little Funny When He Hasn't Had A Nap.

Cartoonish anachronism Hugh Hefner is no doubt devastated after being left at the altar.  His former fiance, the twenty-five-year-old strumpet Crystal Harris, seems to have come to her senses at the last minute, announcing Tuesday that she would not wed the pornography mogul on Saturday, even if the feeble old man should manage to live until then.  Although the probability that the silicate gold-digger would jilt her octogenarian sugar-grampy was obvious to just about any creature able to walk on two legs,* it appears to have come as an unwelcome surprise to Hef.

Much Like Blood To The Legendary Vlad Dracula Or Human Souls To Greta Van Susteren, This Is The Only Thing That Keeps Hef Going.

Although serving as Hef’s lover/nurse can be lucrative, the investment in both time and in hiding her personal revulsion at the sight of Hef’s sagging, bespotted body proved more responsibility than the young floozy was willing to undertake.  The famed Playboy Mansion, so long ago a hipster Mecca for the swinging set, is now a dilapidated tomb whose hallways are haunted by dimly-recalled D-Listers who tread carefully around piles of dogshit left by Hef’s ill-behaved curs, their empty, overloud laughter echoing through the decayed manse like the ghosts of better days.  “Plus,” Harris is reported to have told a confidante in the days before her departure, “Do you know how hard it is to get the taste of old man out of your mouth?  You can’t do it!”

Adding to the poignancy of the debacle are the events planned in conjunction the now-obviated nuptials, which like the legendary evils contained in Pandora’s Box, are not so very easy to undo once set in motion.  The latest issue of Hefner’s quaint pornographic periodical, Playboy,  which has already gone to print, will feature the formerly-soon-to-be Mrs. Hugh Hefner on the cover, along with the now-embarrassingly cringeworthy headline: “Introducing Mrs. Crystal Hefner.

After Crystal Gave Up Smoking Opium, She Realized She Was Not The Head Archeologist At The Metropolitan Mummy Exhibit After All, But Rather, About To Make A Really Huge Mistake.

Hefner, who in his advancing years seems increasingly eager to play a caricature of himself, has responded with the maturity one would expect from a guy who’s worn the same bathrobe for the last quarter-century and can’t be assed to pick up after the dogs he’s too lazy to housebreak.  Like a friendless and petulant adolescent, Hefner plans to affix each issue with a sticker bearing the sophomoric and slightly unoriginal title: Runaway Bride.

Unlike The Original 'Runaway Bride,' At Least Crystal Used Hef's Money To Finance Her Flight, And Not Yours.

*Including but not limited to kangaroos & wallabies, most species of birds and Ryan Reynolds. ∞T.

Hefner’s Antics Now More Creepy Than Cute

30 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1989 Playmate of the Year, 70's era machismo, Barbi Benton, Benny Hill, Christie Hefner, creepy, creepy old perverts, Crystal Harris, cultural relics, debauchery, dirty old man, Donna Michelle, elderly people, gold digger, Hef, Hugh Hefner, incontinence, Kimberly Conrad, May-December romances, Men in Belted Sweaters, Miss December 2009, old people, Peter Pan Syndrome, Playboy, Playmate of the Month, puritanism, senility, senior citizens, sex among the aged, Sexual Revolution, Shady Acres, Shannon Tweed, the viscosity of macho, tiresome anachronism, Twitter, Viagra

By Smaktakula

Harris, Trained As A Geriatric Nurse, Discreetly Performs CPR On Her Enfeebled Fiancée.

Hugh Hefner, the decrepit, Viagra-gobbling relic of the Sexual Revolution, recently proposed to Crystal Harris, Playboy‘s Miss December 2009.  Hefner, old enough to remember the Great Depression, announced his engagement to the twenty-four-year-old Harris via a Christmas Eve tweet.

The 'Playboy Man': A Timeless Archetype Of Swaggering Virility, Of A Macho So Thick And Viscous That It Sticks To Walls.

Critics contend that while the desiccated octogenarian’s comfort with Twitter is mildly charming, there is something more than a little unseemly about Hefner marrying a woman six decades his junior.  Playboy representatives dismissed this as small-minded puritanism, reaffirming Hefner’s commitment to his soulless, little boy’s fantasy of a lifestyle.

Turn-Ons Include: Chick Flicks, Romance And Incontinent Old Men.

Harris is not the first instance in which Hef has dipped into the company coffers: he’s also dated Barbi Benton, Shannon Tweed, Donna Michelle and a harem’s worth of others.  In recent years the dirty old man boasted of dating up to seven Playmates at a time, thrusting a symbolic middle finger at erectile dysfunction.  Harris won’t even be the first Playmate to wed Hef.  That honor goes to Kimberly Conrad, Playboy‘s 1989 Playmate of the Year.  Conrad and Hefner have two children, the older of whom is five years younger than Harris. Hefner’s oldest child, Christie, is thirty-three years older than Harris.

Harris Knows That If She's Unfaithful To Hef, There's Already A Replacement Waiting To Take Her Place.

Ms. Harris is said to be ecstatic about life with Playboy‘s original visionary, noting that Hefner is about the same age as her great-grandfather, “And I love Poppy-Pop thiiiiiiis much!” she said, indicating with her arms that her love for the two senior citizens measured well over a yard {0.91m}.  Harris then walked into a door post.  She later apologized to the post.

Hef

When Grandpa Starts Acting This Way, It's Time To Call Shady Acres.

In a perfect world, Hugh and Crystal’s relationship would be free from society’s preconceptions regarding romance and the elderly.  Life not being perfect, we simply wish the best to this special couple, and share Harris’ hope that she will be the lucky rider holding the reins when the horse finally kicks over.  Best of luck, Crystal–don’t sign anything.

Once Content To Be A Caricature Of Himself, Hef's Current Ambition Is To Live Every Day Of His Life As If It Were A Benny Hill Sketch.

“Does ‘Waiting for Hef to Die’ count as a hobby?”

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