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Tag Archives: Playboy

Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

03 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

ADHD, Africa, alcoholism, backwater shithole, bad parents, bees, Benjamin Franklin, bigfoot, breastuses, cannabis, Cee-Loo Green, cheating, childish sexual innuendo, cryptids, death by party bus, death by smoking, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, economics, ecstasy, environmental crisis, exotic dancers, fibromyalgia, Friends, gay people, Germany, God, grass, hemp, Jane Austen, Justin Bieber, Kool-Aid, Lance Armstrong, legalize it, marijuana, Mexico, MILFs, monster trucks, Nazi Germany, neanderthals, New Jersey, opposable thumbs, Oprah Winfrey, performance-enhancing drugs, places that suck, Playboy, pornography, pot, pr0n, reefer, refugees, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, sexism, short people, skonks, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, smoking, strippers, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, the abysmal state of American public education, transplants, United States of America, weed, West Virginia, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

We Quite Literally Regard It As Something Of A Miracle That The World Is Peopled By So Many Strange And Beautiful Creatures For Us To Poke Fun At.

In which we talk a lot of shit.

***

15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!

Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?

The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”

What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.

What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”

‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass.  However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot ~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.

Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works ~ The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.

Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!

Ha! Well What Did She Think Would Happen When She Decided To Do Something Besides Teach School Until She Caught A Husband?

Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”

Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.

What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”

Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families ~ It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.

Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time ~ Because dad’s time is important.

Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.

Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.

Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.

Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.

Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.

He Only Hung Out With Kool-Aid ‘Cause He Was Mad For Tang.

What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?

Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.

African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ ~ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”

Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real ~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

***

Diff’rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

a very special episode, A-Team, America's inability to say NO, Arnold Jackson, Bad Terminator, boob job, breast implants, bulimia, Celebrity Death Watch, cooze, Cultural Folk Hero, Dana Plato, Diff'rent Strokes, Diff'rent Strokes Curse, drugs, Emmanuel is the Antigary, Emmanuel Lewis, famous catchphrases, famous short people, famous virgins, Gary Coleman, Harlem, Hello Larry!, Johnnie Cochran, jumping the shark, Just Say No!, Kimberly Drummond, Knight Rider, lesbians, Moore, Mr. T, Nancy Reagan, New York, Norman Lear, obscure celebrities, Oklahoma, Playboy, porno movies, redemption, Shannon Price, small black actor, soft-core, spank mags, Tötyl Hömö, Tötyl Hömö may just be the best band name ever, Terminator 2, The Facts of Life, Todd Bridges, unremitting virginity, Vanilla Ice, Where Are They Now?, Willis Jackson

By Smaktakula

“Mr. Drummond, I Assure You, Not Only Have I Never Heard Of Something Called A ‘Stinky Pinky,’ But I–OH!”

Diff’rent Strokes proved an instant hit with TV audiences in September of 1978.  The Norman Lear sitcom about Harlem orphans falling into the lap of luxury was anchored by veteran stage actor Conrad Bain, and featured promising child stars Todd Bridges and Dana Plato.  But the breakout star of the fledgling show was an adorably precocious chubby-cheeked Gary Coleman, whose shameless mugging and hilarious catchphrase, Whatchootalkinbout, blurred the line between funny and precious.

For a time, Diff’rent Strokes was a cultural phenomenon.  There were spinoffs both successful and unsuccessful–The Facts of Life and Hello Larry, respectively.  A variety of high-profile guest stars appeared on the set, including Knight Rider and KITT, Mr. T and an only slightly punchy Muhammad Ali.  Nancy Reagan even made an appearance in an very-special 1983 episode, where she made famous the line, Just Say No, which would within a few months completely eradicate America’s drug problem.  It seemed there was no place too remote to escape the ubiquitous images of cherubic Gary Coleman and the rest of the gang.  The future was indeed bright.

When Norman Lear Heard The Story Of The Park Avenue Psycho Who Abducted Two Street Kids As Sex Slaves (Seen Here On Surveillance Video), He Knew He Had A Hit Sitcom On His Hands. He’d Have To Clean It Up A Little First.

But by the time Diff’rent Strokes limped off the air in 1986, things had changed.  The venerable show had outlasted everyone’s expectations, but the cracks were beginning to show.  Cast members left, and improbable new ones were added.  Worst of all, while puberty had done nothing for Coleman’s stumpy physique, it had cruelly robbed him of his last vestiges of cuteness, leaving him a troll.  Even by the time the cameras had stopped rolling, people had begun to whisper about a curse.

THE ACCURSED:

Here The Gang Recreates Rembrandt’s ‘Eternal Virgin Flanked By Skank And Skonk.’

Todd Bridges/Willis Jackson:  Of the show’s three principal child stars, Todd Bridges has fared the best in that he remains alive as of this writing.  In the early 1990s, it seemed almost a certainty that the actor would have been long dead by now.  Life after Diff’rent Strokes may not have been easy for Todd, but it wasn’t boring.

Bridges traces his downfall to the diabolical troika of Sex, Drugs and Dana Plato.  Already an up-and-coming child star by the time of Diff’rent Strokes, Todd was thrust too quickly into a world with which he couldn’t cope.   Todd’s burgeoning crack addiction contributed to his legal problems, including a 1988 arrest for shooting a man while on a drug-binge.  Bridges had both the wherewithal and resources to enlist the aid of Johnnie Cochran, and was able to beat the charges.

Today, it is possible to be optimistic about Todd’s future.  He has been sober for several years, and has made inroads to rebuilding his shattered career.  Todd furthered his redemption in 2002 when he beat the shit out of Vanilla Ice on Fox’s vile Celebrity Boxing.

Todd’s Redemption Song Was The Sweet Stacatto Melody His Fists Played Across ‘Nilla’s Face.

Dana Plato/Kimberly Drummond:  Dana Plato began to unravel a few years before the show took its final bow.  When she became pregnant with her only child in 1984, the show’s producers wrote her out, bringing her back for a few appearances in the final season, including a very special episode about bulimia.  Even before her dismissal, rumors had begun to swirl about possible drug use and difficulties on the set.

It was difficult for Dana to find work, although she found in Playboy a showcase for her newly augmented breasts in 1989.  Sadly, her pre-Brazillian ‘spread’ may constitute the last high point in an existence which would drag on for another ten years.  During this time she would endure a number of personal setbacks–the death of her adoptive mother, abandonment by her husband and losing custody of her son, as well as some legal hassles.  The most embarrassing of these, a video-store robbery, culminated in a 911 caller exclaiming, “I’ve just been robbed by the girl who played Kimberly on Diff’rent Strokes!”

Dana Felt Deceived When She Found That Her Criminal Record, Despite Happening In Las Vegas, Would Not In Fact Stay There.

Dana tried to revive her acting career, appearing in soft-core films and even claiming (although she would later recant) to be a lesbian.  Dana died alone in a Winnebago on Mother’s Day 1999, parked outside her boyfriend’s mom’s house in Moore, Oklahoma.  Almost eleven years later to the day, her son Tyler would kill himself, a second-generation victim of the curse.

Settle Down Now. If A Dead Girl’s Ass Makes This NSFW, Then Your Boss Needs To Learn To Live A Little. That’s All We’re Saying.

Gary Coleman/Arnold Jackson:  Gary Coleman’s recent death is still fresh in the public’s mind.  But the pitiably pint-sized punchline endured much in the twenty-four years between his untimely death and the cancellation of Diff’rent Strokes, and given the heights he once reached, his must have been the most dizzying fall.

Hello?!? It’s 2011; We Don’t Call Them That Any More. The Album Should Be Titled: “The Indian And The Cultural Folk Hero.”

Gary had always had health problems, which along with his medication, contributed to his runtiness.  Then there were the legal troubles with his parents, whom Gary sued for misappropriation of his millions.  Gary was profligate with money himself, indulging his habit for model trains.  Sadly, the tiny has-been never thought to invest his resources into finding a cure for his virginity, which persisted throughout his life.

“Come On, Touch It. Just A Little Touch. Come On, Now–Slap It A Little.” Gary Had Trouble With The Ladies.

Whether it was as a money-lending pitchman, ‘Where Are They Now?’ TV cameo or as viral video laughingstock, Gary always found a way to entertain us.  It seemed that Gary had finally found love in the form of confirmed cooze Shannon Price.  Some experts have claimed that Price was the human personification of the Diff’rent Strokes Curse, or at the very least its dark avatar.  Gary gave her his heart and in return she fiddled while he died, and in what is the greatest indignity of all, never in their several months of matrimony bestowed her marital favors on the virginal troll.

“Your Honor–As My Wife, Isn’t She Supposed To DO Something About My Little Virginity Problem?”

THE UNPUNISHED:

Conrad Bain/Phillip Drummond:  A number of theories abound as to why Conrad Bain, who along with Coleman and Bridges was with the show for its entire run, has been allowed to live for almost 88 years.  Popular explanations for this seeming immunity range from the plausible (“Bain’s Canadianness somehow inures him from the effects of the curse”) to the frankly ridiculous (“The cast members of Diff’rent Strokes aren’t the victims of a hex at all, but rather the twin factors of stardom at an early age and coincidence).  Conrad attributes his longevity to nothing more than pure luck, clean thoughts and a half-pint of his own urine every morning.

This Gang Has A Bright Future.

Danny Cooksey/Sam McKinney:  Whether Danny Cooksey is subject to the curse is a matter of some controversy among Diff’rent Strokes academicians, as the delightful, country-singing moppet only appeared in three seasons after Coleman’s cuteness began rapidly to wane.  However, considering  that those three seasons comprised the show’s pitiful last gasp and that Cooksey was at least partly to blame for the show’s demise, as the introduction of his character marked the veteran show’s “jump the shark” moment, many feel that Cooksey’s continuing existence is an affront to God Almighty.  Since then, the sassy ginger is best remembered for being shoved into a video game by Bad Terminator in Terminator 2.

Danny Cooksey And His Awesome Band ‘Bad4Good.’ Or As We Like To Call Them, Tötyl Hömö.

Housekeepers:  Likewise, the show’s three regular housekeepers, perhaps because none served more than four seasons, also appear to be free of the curse’s effects.

Charlotte Rae, who appeared through the first season as Mrs. Garrett, was miraculously allowed to escape via spinoff.

Nedra Volz, who played the antiquated Adelaide Brubaker, lasted a few seasons.  Her career never suffered, and she died in 2003, well into her ninth decade.

Mary Jo Catlett was the last actress to play housekeeper to the Drummonds.  Like Sam McKinney, her tenure included the series’ sputtering demise.  However, as she was replacing an existing supporting character while McKinney was a new and unpleasant major character, the comparison is not valid.  Catlett has enjoyed a steady, if unremarkable career.

“Killing Willis?” That’s A Bit Extreme. We’d Just Like To Kick Him In The Nuts A Few Times.

THE CURSE IN REVERSE!

Melanie Watson/Kathy Gordon: Melanie Watson is best remembered for portraying the wheelchair-bound Kathy in several episodes.  In one notable appearance, Kathy denies that she is handicapped, and insists instead, “I’m handi-CAPABLE, turkey!”  Melanie, who suffers from a condition called osteogenesis imperfecta, seems to have carved out a nice life for herself, even starting a company to train helper dogs.

So They’re Not ALL Losers, Turkey!

It would appear that the Diff’rent Strokes Curse has run its course.  There will be those desperate few who hold out hope that the curse continue, perhaps branching out to claim performers with a more tenuous tie to the series than had “the big three.”  But wishing fervently for a thing will not make it come to pass.  The grim specter of death has lifted its pitiless hand from those involved with Diff’rent Strokes, and we will have to learn to live with it.

What Might Have Been: So Many Missed Opportunities, Gary. So Many Missed Opportunities.

Everybody’s got a special kind of story/Everybody finds a way to shine,/It don’t matter that you got not a lot/So what?/They’ll have theirs, you’ll have yours and I’ll have mine/And together we’ll be fine.

Hugh Hefner: Why Is Grandpa Crying?

20 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

creepy old perverts, Crystal Harris, D-Listers, Dracula, elder abuse, floozies, gold digger, Greta Van Susteren, Hugh Hefner, human souls, jilted, left at the alter, May-December romances, old people, Pandora's Box, Playboy, Playboy Mansion, porn empire, pornography, Ryan Reynolds, strumpets, that old person smell, that trick never works, the best laid plans of mice and men, Viagra

By Smaktakula

No, Son--Grandpa's Not Crying. He Just Gets A Little Funny When He Hasn't Had A Nap.

Cartoonish anachronism Hugh Hefner is no doubt devastated after being left at the altar.  His former fiance, the twenty-five-year-old strumpet Crystal Harris, seems to have come to her senses at the last minute, announcing Tuesday that she would not wed the pornography mogul on Saturday, even if the feeble old man should manage to live until then.  Although the probability that the silicate gold-digger would jilt her octogenarian sugar-grampy was obvious to just about any creature able to walk on two legs,* it appears to have come as an unwelcome surprise to Hef.

Much Like Blood To The Legendary Vlad Dracula Or Human Souls To Greta Van Susteren, This Is The Only Thing That Keeps Hef Going.

Although serving as Hef’s lover/nurse can be lucrative, the investment in both time and in hiding her personal revulsion at the sight of Hef’s sagging, bespotted body proved more responsibility than the young floozy was willing to undertake.  The famed Playboy Mansion, so long ago a hipster Mecca for the swinging set, is now a dilapidated tomb whose hallways are haunted by dimly-recalled D-Listers who tread carefully around piles of dogshit left by Hef’s ill-behaved curs, their empty, overloud laughter echoing through the decayed manse like the ghosts of better days.  “Plus,” Harris is reported to have told a confidante in the days before her departure, “Do you know how hard it is to get the taste of old man out of your mouth?  You can’t do it!”

Adding to the poignancy of the debacle are the events planned in conjunction the now-obviated nuptials, which like the legendary evils contained in Pandora’s Box, are not so very easy to undo once set in motion.  The latest issue of Hefner’s quaint pornographic periodical, Playboy,  which has already gone to print, will feature the formerly-soon-to-be Mrs. Hugh Hefner on the cover, along with the now-embarrassingly cringeworthy headline: “Introducing Mrs. Crystal Hefner.

After Crystal Gave Up Smoking Opium, She Realized She Was Not The Head Archeologist At The Metropolitan Mummy Exhibit After All, But Rather, About To Make A Really Huge Mistake.

Hefner, who in his advancing years seems increasingly eager to play a caricature of himself, has responded with the maturity one would expect from a guy who’s worn the same bathrobe for the last quarter-century and can’t be assed to pick up after the dogs he’s too lazy to housebreak.  Like a friendless and petulant adolescent, Hefner plans to affix each issue with a sticker bearing the sophomoric and slightly unoriginal title: Runaway Bride.

Unlike The Original 'Runaway Bride,' At Least Crystal Used Hef's Money To Finance Her Flight, And Not Yours.

*Including but not limited to kangaroos & wallabies, most species of birds and Ryan Reynolds. ∞T.

Hef’s Former Skank Calls Him “Dead Fish”

01 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Burt Bacharach, Cher, cocaine, decadence, drugs, fading glory, gold digger, Hef, Hugh Hefner, Izabella St. James, living in squalor, old people, Playboy, porn empire, pornography, senility, sexual dysfunction, skanks, Sylvia Miles, Viagra

By Smaktakula

Hot, Retarded And Completely Lacking Dignity?--Yes. Discrete? No.

According to his former floozy Izabella St. James, Hugh Hefner doesn’t just look, smell and act like an incontinent old man–he makes love like one as well.  In her cleverly titled new book, Bunny Tales, St. James claims that the 84 year-old is a sexual ‘Dead Fish’ who simply lies on the bed while a nubile and semi-retarded teenager humps him furiously.

St. James’ revelations shatter more than just the popular image of Hef as a ladies’ man and all-around-stud.  According to Hef’s former harlot, even the famed Playboy Mansion has seen its luster fade.  The once-fabulous pleasure palace of 10,000 delights is now a shabby and echoing ruin, festooned with dogshit and reeking of urine.

The Playboy Mansion Has Seen Better Days

Hefner lost his virginity at the decidedly un-swinging age of 22, and has spent the next six decades attempting to account for this tardiness.  During Playboy’s Watergate-era heyday, the Mansion would throb with orgiastic depravity while sill managing an air of class and swinging sophistication.  And Hef–whether he was snorting lines off Cher’s ass or balls-deep in a group-grope with Sylvia Miles and Burt Bacharach–was right in the middle of it all.

Thanks To A Combination Of Dementia And Cataracts, This Is The Face Hef Sees In The Mirror Every Morning.

But forty years is a long time–a lifetime in third-world countries–and not even Hefner’s famed virility could withstand the implacable ravages of time.  The miracles of modern science, most particularly Viagra, have allowed Hef to make a pretense of his old existence by breathing life into the old man’s withered dingus.

But science has no answer for the rest of Hef’s age-related ailments.  And now, Hef uses his dwindling fortune to make a charade of the life which for one musk-drenched moment in time saw him on top of the world.  He perpetuates this rather sad fantasy in the vain hope not to stave off time, but to help him forget that he’s a crumbling old man with the hearty, virile penis of a healthy sixty-five year old.

i roted this books all by myself lol

*

*

Hefner’s Antics Now More Creepy Than Cute

30 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1989 Playmate of the Year, 70's era machismo, Barbi Benton, Benny Hill, Christie Hefner, creepy, creepy old perverts, Crystal Harris, cultural relics, debauchery, dirty old man, Donna Michelle, elderly people, gold digger, Hef, Hugh Hefner, incontinence, Kimberly Conrad, May-December romances, Men in Belted Sweaters, Miss December 2009, old people, Peter Pan Syndrome, Playboy, Playmate of the Month, puritanism, senility, senior citizens, sex among the aged, Sexual Revolution, Shady Acres, Shannon Tweed, the viscosity of macho, tiresome anachronism, Twitter, Viagra

By Smaktakula

Harris, Trained As A Geriatric Nurse, Discreetly Performs CPR On Her Enfeebled Fiancée.

Hugh Hefner, the decrepit, Viagra-gobbling relic of the Sexual Revolution, recently proposed to Crystal Harris, Playboy‘s Miss December 2009.  Hefner, old enough to remember the Great Depression, announced his engagement to the twenty-four-year-old Harris via a Christmas Eve tweet.

The 'Playboy Man': A Timeless Archetype Of Swaggering Virility, Of A Macho So Thick And Viscous That It Sticks To Walls.

Critics contend that while the desiccated octogenarian’s comfort with Twitter is mildly charming, there is something more than a little unseemly about Hefner marrying a woman six decades his junior.  Playboy representatives dismissed this as small-minded puritanism, reaffirming Hefner’s commitment to his soulless, little boy’s fantasy of a lifestyle.

Turn-Ons Include: Chick Flicks, Romance And Incontinent Old Men.

Harris is not the first instance in which Hef has dipped into the company coffers: he’s also dated Barbi Benton, Shannon Tweed, Donna Michelle and a harem’s worth of others.  In recent years the dirty old man boasted of dating up to seven Playmates at a time, thrusting a symbolic middle finger at erectile dysfunction.  Harris won’t even be the first Playmate to wed Hef.  That honor goes to Kimberly Conrad, Playboy‘s 1989 Playmate of the Year.  Conrad and Hefner have two children, the older of whom is five years younger than Harris. Hefner’s oldest child, Christie, is thirty-three years older than Harris.

Harris Knows That If She's Unfaithful To Hef, There's Already A Replacement Waiting To Take Her Place.

Ms. Harris is said to be ecstatic about life with Playboy‘s original visionary, noting that Hefner is about the same age as her great-grandfather, “And I love Poppy-Pop thiiiiiiis much!” she said, indicating with her arms that her love for the two senior citizens measured well over a yard {0.91m}.  Harris then walked into a door post.  She later apologized to the post.

Hef

When Grandpa Starts Acting This Way, It's Time To Call Shady Acres.

In a perfect world, Hugh and Crystal’s relationship would be free from society’s preconceptions regarding romance and the elderly.  Life not being perfect, we simply wish the best to this special couple, and share Harris’ hope that she will be the lucky rider holding the reins when the horse finally kicks over.  Best of luck, Crystal–don’t sign anything.

Once Content To Be A Caricature Of Himself, Hef's Current Ambition Is To Live Every Day Of His Life As If It Were A Benny Hill Sketch.

“Does ‘Waiting for Hef to Die’ count as a hobby?”

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