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Tag Archives: Benny Hill

Nancy Grace’s Exposed Nipple Continues To Horrify

08 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Benny Hill, boobs, breasts, breastuses, Fall of Troy, FCC, honkers, knockers, Nancy Grace, nipple slip, overreaction, psychic trauma, sweater bunnies, sweater kittens, tits, Troy, you'd hit it if you were drunk enough

By Smaktakula

Would You Have Dreamed That A Squirrely Casaba Could Cause So Much Heartbreak?

The psychic trauma resulting from Nancy Grace’s Dancing With The Stars nipple-slip continues to reverberate across the globe.  Grace’s errant ‘Horreola’ has instigated even more collateral damage than previously believed.

As evidence, we point to the dozen or so viewers who have recently written to the FCC complaining about Grace’s slightly exposed knocker.  Among the audience’s grievances were an anger that the dimwitted news personality “displayed her pornographic breast and nipple on national television,” and that the gruesome display  “scared my children.”

The Boob Won't Put Your Eye Out. You'll Do That Yourself.

Promethean Times holds the female breast in the highest regard.  Breasts feed our children, fill out sweaters and parade with surprising frequency through the sweaty imaginations of men, giving America’s male portion of the workforce a regular distraction from the soul-crushing drudgery of work.  Breasts have brought about the Fall of Troy, maintained the popularity of the guitar and made Benny Hill watchable.  They are a force of nearly mystic import, with powers both beneficent and malign.  Nancy Grace appears to have used her breasticular powers for evil, and a scarred public is still paying the price.

Too Little, Too Late.

TV Still Safe For Morons

24 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

America's Funniest Home Videos, As the World Turns, Baguette wasn't our first choice, Benny Hill, Bob Saget, India, Jeopardy!, Louie Anderson, morons, mouth-breathing halfwits, soap operas, television, the vast wasteland, TV makes you stupid, Two and a Half Men

By Smaktakula

Mouth-Breathing Ignoramuses Worldwide Ask, "Why There Not More TV Shows For I?"

It’s no secret that television gets a bad rap.  Labelled ‘A Vast Wasteland’ within years of its invention, TV hasn’t been given much of a chance.  And much like a person awoken from sleep by a phone call, people will go to ridiculous lengths to refuse to admit that they watch TV.

"If Maybelle Don't Get To Watch Her Stories, She Starts Thinkin' 'Bout Things. I Need That Like I Need Another Hole In My Head."

Most of these people are lying.  The ever-expanding menu of specialized channels, internet-to-television streaming along with piles upon piles of data suggest that people are watching the small screen more than ever.  As counterintuitive as it might seem, the device often referred to as the “idiot box” may actually be helping to improve lives around the globe.

Proving Every Day That The Really Talented Fat Comedians Die Young.

A tremendous variety of educational programming is available for viewers, plus scads of infotainment shows on cooking, wildlife, home decor, ghostbusting and the like.  Thanks to shows like Sesame Street, television helps to prepare youngsters for school.  Perhaps most surprising are studies from India which show a correlation between the availability of cable television and an increase in the living standard of women.

So if TV isn’t the mindless entertainment we’ve always believed it to be, what does this mean for the world’s slackjawed halfwits, who see the demise of Two and a half Men as the end of an era, drowning their fears with a glut of Benny Hill reruns?  Have no fear, television has not forgotten its sub-moronic roots: for the discriminating lackwit, there are a plethora of shitty shows like Deal or No Deal and the odious America’s Funniest Home Videos.

We'd Think A Guy With Two Of The All-Time Shittiest TV Shows Under His Belt AND Whose Name Rhymes With . . .'Baguette' . . . Would Be A Little Funnier.

Let’s take a moment to thank these uncreative men and women who bring us intellectually challenged programing.  With everyone pandering to America’s elite, it’s nice to see someone’s still looking out for the drooling moron who can’t get off the couch.

Thanks To The Dumbing Down Of America, Foreigners Aren't Just Taking Our Jobs--They're Also Taking Our Spot On Jeopardy!

Hefner’s Antics Now More Creepy Than Cute

30 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1989 Playmate of the Year, 70's era machismo, Barbi Benton, Benny Hill, Christie Hefner, creepy, creepy old perverts, Crystal Harris, cultural relics, debauchery, dirty old man, Donna Michelle, elderly people, gold digger, Hef, Hugh Hefner, incontinence, Kimberly Conrad, May-December romances, Men in Belted Sweaters, Miss December 2009, old people, Peter Pan Syndrome, Playboy, Playmate of the Month, puritanism, senility, senior citizens, sex among the aged, Sexual Revolution, Shady Acres, Shannon Tweed, the viscosity of macho, tiresome anachronism, Twitter, Viagra

By Smaktakula

Harris, Trained As A Geriatric Nurse, Discreetly Performs CPR On Her Enfeebled Fiancée.

Hugh Hefner, the decrepit, Viagra-gobbling relic of the Sexual Revolution, recently proposed to Crystal Harris, Playboy‘s Miss December 2009.  Hefner, old enough to remember the Great Depression, announced his engagement to the twenty-four-year-old Harris via a Christmas Eve tweet.

The 'Playboy Man': A Timeless Archetype Of Swaggering Virility, Of A Macho So Thick And Viscous That It Sticks To Walls.

Critics contend that while the desiccated octogenarian’s comfort with Twitter is mildly charming, there is something more than a little unseemly about Hefner marrying a woman six decades his junior.  Playboy representatives dismissed this as small-minded puritanism, reaffirming Hefner’s commitment to his soulless, little boy’s fantasy of a lifestyle.

Turn-Ons Include: Chick Flicks, Romance And Incontinent Old Men.

Harris is not the first instance in which Hef has dipped into the company coffers: he’s also dated Barbi Benton, Shannon Tweed, Donna Michelle and a harem’s worth of others.  In recent years the dirty old man boasted of dating up to seven Playmates at a time, thrusting a symbolic middle finger at erectile dysfunction.  Harris won’t even be the first Playmate to wed Hef.  That honor goes to Kimberly Conrad, Playboy‘s 1989 Playmate of the Year.  Conrad and Hefner have two children, the older of whom is five years younger than Harris. Hefner’s oldest child, Christie, is thirty-three years older than Harris.

Harris Knows That If She's Unfaithful To Hef, There's Already A Replacement Waiting To Take Her Place.

Ms. Harris is said to be ecstatic about life with Playboy‘s original visionary, noting that Hefner is about the same age as her great-grandfather, “And I love Poppy-Pop thiiiiiiis much!” she said, indicating with her arms that her love for the two senior citizens measured well over a yard {0.91m}.  Harris then walked into a door post.  She later apologized to the post.

Hef

When Grandpa Starts Acting This Way, It's Time To Call Shady Acres.

In a perfect world, Hugh and Crystal’s relationship would be free from society’s preconceptions regarding romance and the elderly.  Life not being perfect, we simply wish the best to this special couple, and share Harris’ hope that she will be the lucky rider holding the reins when the horse finally kicks over.  Best of luck, Crystal–don’t sign anything.

Once Content To Be A Caricature Of Himself, Hef's Current Ambition Is To Live Every Day Of His Life As If It Were A Benny Hill Sketch.

“Does ‘Waiting for Hef to Die’ count as a hobby?”

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