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Tag Archives: floozies

Stupid People: Way More Fun Than TV

06 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

bikini area, Bush, Cudjoe Key, death by Smurf, Deep South, douchebaggery, drunken Irishmen, Erica Wilson, floozies, Florida, fucking idiots, Galway, Galwegians, Guinness, incarceration, incest, Jameson, Jesse Brooks, Megan Barnes, morons, Papa Smurf, Portrush, Rogersville, Rosslare Harbour, skankery, skanks, Smurf cum, stupid people, Tennessee, Why am I so crazy?, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Morons Make Us Feel Just A Little Bit Smarter.

Today, almost anyone can get himself arrested.  It doesn’t take style, flair or even imagination–with 1% of the US population behind bars, it’s easy to see that getting busted in America is pretty routine.  It’s not surprising then, that when individuals take the extra effort to ensure that their crimes are particularly shameful, we sit up and take notice.  It is with no small amount of pleasure that we present to you the following tales of delightfully dimwitted and debased douchebaggery.

Enjoy!

“Hey Jordy! I Can See Your Trailer From Here!”

Keepin’ It In The Family II: The Cousining

Like all couples, Erica Wilson and Jesse Brooks of Rogersville, Tennessee had their share of fights.  But in November of 2011, the two engaged in combat so fierce and bloody that the police were forced to intervene.

In the moments before the melee, the pair had been discussing their relationship.  When Brooks began to affectionately grope Wilson, cooing “I want you,” she rebuffed him, explaining she expected more from their relationship than to simply be a “booty call.”  The fight erupted in earnest when Brooks expressed a desire to keep the relationship strictly sexual, explaining that, as he and Wilson were first cousins, anything more would be kind of icky.

Take Some Comfort That They’re Not Breeding With The Normals.

Bushwhacked!

Megan Barnes isn’t a wealthy woman.  She will never have a huge lawn to keep tight and trim, nor any landscaped topiary to adorn her home.  Despite her obvious disadvantages, the skanky Southern belle prides herself on her personal grooming.

This attention to detail is the most likely the reason that, while driving her vehicle in Cudjoe Key, Florida, Barnes plowed into the back of a pickup truck.  She lost control of the vehicle when she turned over the steering chores to her ex-husband, a passenger in the vehicle.  However, the fastidious floozy provided a reason for her inattention, explaining that she had been on her way to see her boyfriend,  and needed her hands free for the important work of shaving her ‘bikini area.‘

It Just Makes For Easier Access.

A Horror In Blue

Galway, Ireland, the folksy tourist-trap of the Emerald Isle, is typically a friendly town.  Like all Irishmen, from Rosslare Harbour to Portrush, Galwegians are a drunken, cheerful lot.  But a Halloween home invasion has loosed a dark current of fear throughout the city.

One innocent citizen was sleeping off his night’s meal of Guinness and Jameson when he was awakened by an intruder in his bedroom.  To the man’s horror, the assailant was a six-foot tall smurf, who, in a final ghastly indignity, turned out to be drunk and horny.  Although it was revealed to be a case of mistaken identity, with Inebriate Smurf in the wrong home, this news will most likely do little to ease the long-term psychological trauma inherent in such a terrifying episode.

Sometimes Papa Just Needs A Piece Of Ass That Isn’t Blue.

Hugh Hefner: Why Is Grandpa Crying?

20 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

creepy old perverts, Crystal Harris, D-Listers, Dracula, elder abuse, floozies, gold digger, Greta Van Susteren, Hugh Hefner, human souls, jilted, left at the alter, May-December romances, old people, Pandora's Box, Playboy, Playboy Mansion, porn empire, pornography, Ryan Reynolds, strumpets, that old person smell, that trick never works, the best laid plans of mice and men, Viagra

By Smaktakula

No, Son--Grandpa's Not Crying. He Just Gets A Little Funny When He Hasn't Had A Nap.

Cartoonish anachronism Hugh Hefner is no doubt devastated after being left at the altar.  His former fiance, the twenty-five-year-old strumpet Crystal Harris, seems to have come to her senses at the last minute, announcing Tuesday that she would not wed the pornography mogul on Saturday, even if the feeble old man should manage to live until then.  Although the probability that the silicate gold-digger would jilt her octogenarian sugar-grampy was obvious to just about any creature able to walk on two legs,* it appears to have come as an unwelcome surprise to Hef.

Much Like Blood To The Legendary Vlad Dracula Or Human Souls To Greta Van Susteren, This Is The Only Thing That Keeps Hef Going.

Although serving as Hef’s lover/nurse can be lucrative, the investment in both time and in hiding her personal revulsion at the sight of Hef’s sagging, bespotted body proved more responsibility than the young floozy was willing to undertake.  The famed Playboy Mansion, so long ago a hipster Mecca for the swinging set, is now a dilapidated tomb whose hallways are haunted by dimly-recalled D-Listers who tread carefully around piles of dogshit left by Hef’s ill-behaved curs, their empty, overloud laughter echoing through the decayed manse like the ghosts of better days.  “Plus,” Harris is reported to have told a confidante in the days before her departure, “Do you know how hard it is to get the taste of old man out of your mouth?  You can’t do it!”

Adding to the poignancy of the debacle are the events planned in conjunction the now-obviated nuptials, which like the legendary evils contained in Pandora’s Box, are not so very easy to undo once set in motion.  The latest issue of Hefner’s quaint pornographic periodical, Playboy,  which has already gone to print, will feature the formerly-soon-to-be Mrs. Hugh Hefner on the cover, along with the now-embarrassingly cringeworthy headline: “Introducing Mrs. Crystal Hefner.

After Crystal Gave Up Smoking Opium, She Realized She Was Not The Head Archeologist At The Metropolitan Mummy Exhibit After All, But Rather, About To Make A Really Huge Mistake.

Hefner, who in his advancing years seems increasingly eager to play a caricature of himself, has responded with the maturity one would expect from a guy who’s worn the same bathrobe for the last quarter-century and can’t be assed to pick up after the dogs he’s too lazy to housebreak.  Like a friendless and petulant adolescent, Hefner plans to affix each issue with a sticker bearing the sophomoric and slightly unoriginal title: Runaway Bride.

Unlike The Original 'Runaway Bride,' At Least Crystal Used Hef's Money To Finance Her Flight, And Not Yours.

*Including but not limited to kangaroos & wallabies, most species of birds and Ryan Reynolds. ∞T.

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