Tag Archives: life in North Korea sure is shitty!

Interstate Port-O-Potty

26 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Of the world’s wretched, filthy and flyblown places, the haphazardly maintained Honey Buckets¹ encountered at some of America’s lonelier Interstate rest stops must surely rank among the foulest.

Actually, Being Forced To Live Your Life In One Of These Isn't Any Worse Than What You'd Experience In North Korea.²

¹Like Kleenex, Honey Bucket is a brand name which has come to serve as a catch-all term for any filthy, pungent chemical toilet.
²Although a staggering body of evidence strongly supports the nearly universal opinion that North Korea blows, there exists a vocal minority who allege that the impoverished third-world hellhole is a barrel of laughs.

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim: The Least Of Three Evils

16 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Ever Mischievous, Kim Jong-il Told This Soldier That The Cookie Jar Shaped Like The U.S. Capitol Was Filled With Nourishing Rice.

In the weeks following the announcement in Pyongyang regarding the planned succession of Kim Jong-un, the corpulent youngest son of decaying comical despot Kim Jong-il.  Kim Jong-un, known popularly as “The Brilliant Comrade” or according to some sources, “The Young General,” was initially considered a longshot for the succession due to his youth, backwardness and lack of a girlfriend despite being in his late twenties.

A Promotional Still From Kim's Short-Lived Reality Show, "Who Wants To Be A Third-World Despot?"

The Brilliant Comrade’s elevation caught most observers by surprise.  It was thought that the dying dictator might not name a successor at all, instead leaving the impoverished third-world hellhole in the capable hands of its generals.  However, revelations from documents released recently by WikiLeaks help to shed light on the succession mystery.

Kim Jong-chol: "Rook Out, Radies! Hot Stuff, Comin' Through!"

One source says of Kim Jong-un, “‘Lil ‘Lil Kim is a historical accident,” adding, “If either of his older brothers was worth a damn, the Brilliant Comrade could return to his first love: building intricately designed cuckoo clocks for his vast collection of doll houses.”  But for the tongue-tied tyrant such carefree days are behind him; although he never asked for the responsibility, it is incumbent upon Kim Jong-un to perpetuate the ruination of their homeland begun by his grandfather, Kim Il-sung and then continued by his father, Kim Jong-il.

When Asked The Reason For His Love Of Doll Houses, Kim Jong-un Replied, "Dorries Never Starve To D-D-Death."

For years it was assumed that Kim Jong-nam, eldest of the Kimkinder, would succeed his father upon the elder Kim’s much-rejoiced eventual death.  However, the demented Wishnik Troll is said to have soured on his playboy son after the younger Kim was caught trying to sneak into Japan for the admitted purpose of visiting Tokyo Disney.  Currently living an exile’s life in Macau, Kim Jong-nam has criticized his father’s choice of successor.  Sources close to Kim Jong-nam say that he is hoping to take power in Pyongyang when his younger brother fails.  This, of course, remains contingent on his surviving the inevitable assassination attempt resulting from his poorly chosen words.

Eldest Son Kim Jong-nam Looks Amazingly Like The Dude Who Owns The Liquor Store A Block Away From Where You Work.

The next son, Kim Jong-chol is no better.  A fan of Western music, Numba Two Son is said to have lost favor with his father after being spotted at an Eric Clapton concert in Germany.  Adding to Kim Jong-chol’s troubles is the perception that he lacks the requisite masculinity for North Korea’s premier job.  Most damning, however, are the revelations that the second son has moved into the dungeon below Kim’s palace, where he devotes all his time to video games.

The Video Games Were One Thing, But When Kim Jong-chol Began Showing Up To Strategy Meetings In Costume, His Father Could Take No More.

The anointing of ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim begins to seem less strange when weighed against his cretinous siblings.  True, the tubby tyrant is an awkward, maladjusted, friendless toad–but he may just be North Korea’s last, best hope.

Ever The Pragmatist, Kim's Philosophy Is "If You Can't Be With The One You Ruv, Baby, Better Ruv The One You're With."

Tonight, A Father And Son Are A Rittre Ress Ronery

24 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

In Another Time, Another Place--This Could Have Been The Kims. Perhaps Then They Wouldn't Be So . . . Ronery.

In the dismal, crumbling concrete tomb that is Pyongyang, there are small but increasingly hopeful signs of life.  In a touching moment of bonding, dying despot Kim Jong-il is reportedly spending quality time with his youngest son and chosen successor, Kim Jong-un.  ‘Lil Kim is said to be teaching ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim about the trials and tribulations of statecraft by launching an unprovoked attack on a South Korean island.

Father And Son: Only A Few Short Feet Separates Them, But They Are Divided By A Chasm As Huge And Unrelenting As Heartbreak.

Said a North Korean ambassador:

“The Great Leader knows that continuity is important to our great nation, and he has every confidence that when the day comes for the Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un to take his rightful place as our terrible master, the transition will go smoothly and gloriously.”

He then added:

“Do you have any food?  I would very much like some food.”

Launching a sneak attack against neighboring South Korea is thought to be an excellent bonding opportunity for North Korea’s two most powerful men, as Kims ‘Lil and ‘Lil ‘Lil are both fans of large-scale violence.  According to sources, the elder Kim wants to show his son that the international community will huff and puff, but that as long as the repressive third-world regime dangles the nuclear carrot, will stand by helplessly.

"Seriousry? You're Afraid? Now, Risten To Me You Stuttering Toad--If They Were REARRY Gonna Do Anything, They Woulda Done It Rong Time Ago."*

Sources close to Pyongyang, who agreed to speak to Promethean Times upon conditions of anonymity and after being provided with food, said that Kim is doing more than preparing his son for leadership.  “The Great Leader is hoping that by spending time with the boy, it will bolster his self-esteem.  When the younger Kim is feeling better about himself, we expect to see an end to his Glorious Blossoming,” he said, employing the official euphemism for ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s ‘Lil weight problem.

'Lil 'Lil Kim Awaits Reaction To His New PR Campaign: "Meet The Un-Kim."

*Please read here for more details on ‘Lil Kim’s unusual accent.

People Of Size Undeserving Of Your Scorn

04 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

In A Perfect World Parents Would Have Another Option For Feeding Their Children. If Only There Were Some Kind Of Market Where Parents Could Purchase Fresh, Wholesome Food To Prepare For Their Children, That Would Be Super.

Recently, a blogger for Marie Claire was compelled to issue an abject apology after making derogatory comments about people of size.  In a scathing review of CBS‘ new fat show, Mike and Molly, columnist Maura Kelly called fat people “aesthetically displeasing,” and compared obesity to an addiction.  The nationwide eruption of hurt feelings took Marie Claire’s editors by surprise, and after some fumbling, they distanced themselves from the story and presumably forced Kelly’s apology.

It’s laughable to think that a simple act of contrition can exculpate either Kelly or Marie Claire for this deplorable instance of intolerance.  People of size may have massive, quivering bodies, but their self-esteem is by contrast as delicate as a sugar sculpture.  By shattering it, Kelly has only served to drive these waddling grotesqueries back into the cool, comforting embrace of the refrigerator in a vain effort to exorcise their pain.  The blogger should not only be fired, but also subjected to some sort of sensitivity-increasing exercise, such as the forced viewing of plumper porn.

Really? You'd Like To See These Two Baleen Going At It?

Kelly’s supporters argue that like drug addiction, eating disorders are medically recognized conditions, and that the writer’s opinions echo those of medical science.  Moreover, they’re likely to point to the fact that outside of fetishists, most people are turned off by fleshy truckloads of undulant blubber.

But She Has A Great Sense Of Humor.

These excuses betray the rotten logic of girthophobes.  Just because something is true doesn’t mean it should be said, if saying it means portraying an individual’s lifestyle choices as within his control.  Kelly is doing nothing more than blaming the individual for the situation in which he has put himself.

He Remains Curiously Unsympathetic To America's Obesity Epidemic.

The War On Fat is already lost.  The winners are the fast-food and processed food industries, who are in business for no other reason than to make money.  To flog their products, these companies stoop to advertising during children’s programming, and often include toys with their products.  These companies are perpetrating a modern Holocaust, preying on America’s inability to say NO.

Which is why the government will soon have to step in to provide the NO.  Once trans-fats, sodium, corn syrup and other dangerous additives have been removed from the American diet, the obesity epidemic should waste away like a North Korean peasant.  Until then, the disgustingly obese deserve to be treated with tolerance: they can’t help it.

Except For The Healthy Lifestyle Choices And The Hours Upon Hours In The Gym, Brad Pitt's Physique Is A Matter Of Pure Luck.

North Korea Edges Out ‘Latin American Prison’ To Become World’s Worst Place To Live

19 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics

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North Korea has long been an object of pity among the developed world.  Not only must the citizenry of the impoverished third-world hellhole suffer under the tyrannical dictatorship of a demented Wishnik Troll, but access to even the most basic services and utilities is severely curtailed.  Add to this a hunger problem that makes Uganda look like the Green Bay IHOP on Sunday afternoon, and you have a portrait of a nation in turmoil.

As bad as these things are, the revelations from a recently released Amnesty International report bring sobering news.  Amazingly, conditions in North Korea are even shittier than anyone could have dreamed.

It Still Beats Living In North Korea

According to the usually trustworthy Kim Jong-il, North Koreans receive free medical care.  Moreover, North Korea spends almost $1 annually per person for health care.  “That’s a rearry, rearry big part of our budget,” says Kim.

And yet, North Korean defectors who somehow find their way to the South have a different tale to tell about the state of North Korean healthcare.

{The Amnesty International} report quoted a 24-year-old North Korean defector as saying, describing how his left leg was amputated without anesthesia after a train accident. “I was in so much pain that I screamed and eventually fainted from pain.

Other defectors told similarly horrific stories. One said her appendix was removed without anesthesia and her hands and feet were bound to prevent her from moving during the procedure. Others told of entire cities with no ambulances.

Belying Kim’s claims of free medical care, the report alleges that patients are sometimes forced to pay doctors with cash, cigarettes, alcohol and food.  North Korean representatives dispute the findings, claiming that the supply chain becomes more efficient in the absence of a middleman.

"Is That Food? You've Got Food? Please, I'll Trade With You! What Do You Want? Do You Want The New Michael Jackson Album? A Swatch? Name Your Price!"

Appendix?  That’s Pretty Pricey.  We’re Talking Two, Maybe Three Chickens And A Can Of Bud: In Report, Grim View of North Korean Health Care – NYTimes.com.

Smaktakula