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Promethean Times’ 2011 Person Of The Year: Us Again

30 Friday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Religion

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'Lil Kim, 1492, 2010, 2011, 2012, Afghanistan, Amy Winehouse, Arab Spring, Armenian Genocide, Arnold Schwarzenegger, arson, Barack Obama, California, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Cleveland, Code Pink, Democratic Republic of Congo, Democrats, Diana Spencer, Dirk Nowitzki, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, ennui, Fidel Castro, Flower of American Skankhood, Gabby Giffords, gay people, Jani Lane, John Boehner, Julius Malema, Kate Middleton, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Kim Kardashian, LeBron James, Leslie Nielsen, Lewis County, Libya, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Mayans, Muammar al-Gaddafi, muslims, Nancy Pelosi, narcos, North Korea, Oakland, Occupy, Osama bin Laden, places that suck, Prince William, prognostication, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, puppy-killing, Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, Rapture, Republicans, Robert Mugabe, San Francisco, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for us, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, South Africa, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the French, the West, United States of America, Washington State, Zimbabwe

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

We Looked Among All The Nations Of The World, And Could Find None More Deserving Of Our Praise.

We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this.  We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes.  Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it.  Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.

Turns Out Somebody Made A Calculation Error When They Came Up With The 2012 Date. The Revised Figure Is 1492.

Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year.  Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.

Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection.  After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011.  Still, the beloved news journal remains humble.  “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t?  But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that.  Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”

Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character.  2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding.   Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among  the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder.  The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.

Among The Many Proposed Reforms Of The 'Arab Spring' Which Began In The Winter Of 2011 Is A Calendar That's Worth A Damn.

Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet.  The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse.  And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary.  The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.

Fidel's Still Hanging In There.

Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation.  Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West.  Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check.  The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets.  In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.

For Real, We Totally Would.--Only, It Smells Like Pee And There's A Ton Of Poor People Walking Around.

The year was momentous for the United States.  Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo.  On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.

The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes.  Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.

America: Where Our Unsettling Anthropomorphic Monsters Are Just A Little Bit More Patriotic.

President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of  true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism.  And secret racism.  Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.

The Bad News Is That Rome Is Burning. The Good News Is That Everyone In Our Studio Audience Will Be Going Home Tonight With Shiny New Fiddles!

Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration.  The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity.  Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.

Political mores and identities changed more than ever, particularly in institutions such as the US Military.  The US Navy broadened its long and proud tradition of maritime homosexuality by allowing gays to be open about it.  At the same time, former Gay Mecca San Francisco saw its fabulousness eclipsed in favor of dumps like Oakland and Cleveland.  Meanwhile, in Washington State’s rural Lewis County, citizens continued their proud practice of frequent–and flagrantly public–sexual congress with barnyard animals.

For Newlyweds Lisa And Bingo Lamb, A Day At The Fair Is A Great Reason To Dress Up.

As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves.  Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings.  Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³  Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.

There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times.  Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard.  Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever.  The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities.  Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.

It Gets A Lot Less Sexy When You Realize She'll Be Dead Soon.

Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore.  In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States.  Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general.  In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State.  And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.

A Little Bit Like Schnitzel.

With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011.  It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged.  Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.

Bravo, Promethean Times.

NEVER AGAIN.

To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:

Amy Might Still Be Alive If She Had Filled Her Drug-Pipe With Harmless Tobacco Instead Of What She Actually Filled It With--Drugs.

The Thing We'll Miss Most? The Laughter.

CNN News Personality Anderson Cooper Was Too Beautiful To Live.

Sure, It's A Tragedy For The Ages, But We Take Some Small Consolation In The Knowledge That There's One Less Drunk On The Streets Tonight.

Quiet, Modest And Unassuming, Mr. Savage Exemplified The Qualities For Which America Is Admired Across The Globe.

Get It? We're Being Metaphorical. Trust Us, Chicks Dig Metaphors.

The Colonel's Friends All Believed It Was Gaddafi's Fascination With Thriller-Era Michael Jackson That Prevented His Promotion To General.

This Beautiful Creature Learned Too Late That If Something Lives, The Germans Will Find A Way To Kill It.

This One Time, When Smaktakula Was In Juvenile Hall On An Arson Charge, He Met A Guy Who Claimed To Be Jani Lane's Half-Brother, And Damned If The Kid Didn't Look Just Like Him. No, That's It.

Old Friend, We'll Miss You Most Of All. Circumstances Demand That We Dispense With The Childish, Insensitive Caricatures Upon Which We So Often Rely, But Rather, Respect Your Culture By Offering You A Farewell Not Only More Dignified, But In Keeping With The Proud Traditions Of Korea. In This Last Hour, Dear Leader, We Say Simply, "Sayonara."

¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication.  ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda.  Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia.  That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.

‘Lil Kim Adjusting To New Life In Witness Relocation Program

19 Monday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

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'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, California, comical despots, Compton, Ding Dong the Dick is Dead!, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, liquor stores, Muammar al-Gaddafi, North Korea, Saddam Hussein, So Ronery, South Korea, Witness Relocation Program

By Smaktakula

"Hey! This Not A Rending Ribrary! You Buy Or You Get The Herr Out!"

Kim Jong-il, the once-feared despot of blighted hellhole North Korea, is said to be transitioning easily into his new life as a Compton, California liquor store owner.  Although the blue-collar life might seem like a comedown from the palatial existence previously enjoyed by the tiny madman, ‘Lil Kim claims to be very happy.

Kim's Youngest Son Is Sorry To See The Old Man Go.

“Rife is so much easier now.  I got none of the probrems of running rearry big and important country,” says the diminutive ex-despot, referring to the asswipe country he inherited from his own father and ran further into the ground.  He has high hopes for the prospects of his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, who has taken over the reins of state in his stead.  “My boy, ‘Ril ‘Ril Kim, gonna fuck South Korea up good!”

'Lil Kim Has Been Welcomed To The Neighborhood By Such Businessmen As Terry Davis, Owner Of Sandbox Liquor.

Although ‘Lil Kim isn’t at liberty to discuss the matter, it is believed he is joined in his exile by several other former world leaders.  “Yeah, I see some famiriar faces–let’s put it that way.  At reast I’m not . . . so ronery any more.”

"You Better Not Be Selling Any Goddamn Falafels! I Make The Mother Of All Falafels!"

North Korea: Crazy For The Orympics

20 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Sport

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'Lil Kim, 2018, competitive eating, football, Golf, happiness, impoverished third-world backwater, impoverished third-world hellhole, incredible sporting achievements, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, North Korea, Olympics, places that suck, Soccer, South Korea, South Korea > North Korea, Westchester County, Yemen

By Smaktakula

We're Not Making Excuses For N. Korea's Poor Performance, But The First Time The Team Saw An Actual Soccer Ball Was During The Match.

You have to admire those plucky North Koreans.  Starving, impoverished and confined to a backwater shithole that makes Yemen look like Westchester County, the North Koreans still manage to delude themselves with dreams as distorting of reality as those of any first-world nation.

South Korea > North Korea

North Korea has achieved this interior disconnect by building upon an incremental foundation of self-deception.   Recently this manifested itself in a self-scored second place in a worldwide happiness ranking.  Emboldened by their program of denial, the North Koreans have now expressed interest in piggybacking onto South Korea’s 2018 Olympic bid.  Unsurprisingly,  South Korean reception to this notion has been tepid at best.

The North Korean Power-Lifting Team Is The Pride Of Pyongyang.

Sport has taken on a greater emphasis under the comically despotic reign of Kim Jong-il than it did under his father, Kim Il-sung.  ‘Lil Kim is an accomplished athlete, numbering among his many athletic accomplishments an amazing eleven holes-in-one the very first time he played golf.

Goat Kicking: Shitty Country, Shitty Sports.

Despite being the global equivalent of the athsmatic fat kid picked last for kickball, the average North Korean is excited about the blighted hellhole’s negligible chance to co-host the Olympics.  Moreover, enthusiasm for the Games has grown in recent weeks with the spread of the false rumor that competitive eating has been added to the Olympic program.

In Famine-Ravaged North Korea, This Qualifies As Pornography.

Third-World Hellholes More Fun Than Disneyland

24 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

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'Lil Jim, 'Lil Kim, abundance, arbitrary ratings, China, Cuba, Dr. Earl Wickenburg, happiness, Hugo Chavez, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Kim Jong-il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, North Korea, places that suck, so happy, So Ronery, statistics, tyranny, United States of America, Venezuela

By Smaktakula

Not The Vague Cop-Out It May At First Appear To Be.

The International Happiness rankings are in, and the news is not good for the United States.  In a humiliating reversal of expectations that stunned all but a few of the world’s nations, the first-world nation and so-called ‘last remaining superpower’  finds itself dead last in the rankings.  Making matters worse, it appears that happiness quotients in the United States were too low to be accurately measured by the comprehensive survey, resulting in no score at all.

America: It Turns Out That The Absence Of Fear, Want And Tyranny Can Leave You Pretty Bummed.

Faring the best at number 1 was the People’s Republic of China.  Rounding out the top five were such Shangri-las as North Korea (2), Cuba (3), Iran (4) and Venezuela (5).  Although to varying degrees these nations had been thought shitholes (particularly #s 2 & 3), it’s now believed that the authoritarian (and in some cases totalitarian) governments in these top-five governments actually aid happiness by removing many of the daily life-choices that can contribute to unhappiness.

Each Culture Is Unique, And Thus Will Express Delight In Differing Ways.

The survey was conducted by pollsters in North Korea, who were no doubt glad to have the work as a distraction from the constant gnawing of hunger in their distended bellies.  The polling agency that completed the survey assured various watchdog groups that it employed a highly-subjective and ever-changing set of criteria on which to base its findings.

We Agree--These Folks Really Know How To Live.

America’s poor showing in this wholly unbiased study has caused concern throughout the formerly great nation.  Scientists such as Dr. Earl Wickenburg of the Bahl-Tikkler Institute blame ‘Plethoritis’–literally the bounty of choices Americans face every day in employment, eating, healthcare and travel–for the US ennui.   “Americans think they’re happy,” says Wickenburg, ‘But they’re not ‘Venezuela Happy.'”

The 4th And 5th Place Winners In The Happy Derby Congratulate One Another, And Look Forward To A Spirited Competition Next Year. "Look Out, Cuba!" Ahmadinejad jokes.

Not everybody is surprised by this.  “I totarry saw this coming,” says one high-placed observer, who asked that we call him only by the alias ‘Lil Jim, “Americans think they’re happy, but rearry–they’re so ronery.”

''Lil Jim' Says That America's Endemic Unhappiness Is The Big Secret Nobody Talks About.

However, if the world economy continues to sour, experts believe that the United States has a chance to improve its dismal status in the rankings.  “If the nation can get back to its lean, mean fighting weight of the Great Depression,” Wickenburg says, “America can usher in a new age of ‘do-without’ greatness.'”  According to Wickenburg’s calculations, an indicator of America’s growing happiness will be the complete stanching of northward immigration across the US’s southern border, coupled with the heretofore-unobserved phenomenon of a southward flow into Mexico.

Community Is One Secret To North Korea's Happiness. Here, North Korean Elites Gather For An Ultra-Swanky "Food" Party.

Know Your Dictafro

08 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, History, Politics

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'Lil Kim, Alexander the Great, Angela Merkel, because he declared himself King of Scotland. Get it now?, Benazir Bhutto, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Bono, Chairman Mao, ChocoFührer, dictafro, Evo Morales, Fugeeman, Golda Meir, Hillary Clinton, Idi Amin Dada, Imelda Marcos, Indira Gandhi, John Holmes, Julius Caesar, Kim Jong-il, Manuel Noriega, Mao Zedong, Marlon Brando, Muammar al-Gaddafi, mulletards, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pyongyang, Richard M. Nixon, Robert Mugabe, Ronald Reagan, Saddam Hussein, Silvio Berlusconi, Ted Kaczynski, Wyclef Jean, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you

By Smaktakula

The individual hairstyles of powerful men and women are as unique as fingerprints.  Observe:

The Caesar

The Pineapple

The Cover-Up

The Forgettable Fire

The Martyr

The John Holmes

The Kaczynski

The Pyongyang.

The Schultz

The Carpetbagger

The Bubbie

The Big Boy

The Thriller

The ChocoFührer

The Imelda

Le Petit Tyran

The Consigliere

The Highlander

The Supercuts

The Frampton Comes Alive

The Bride Of The Monster-Doctorwallah

The Foreign Exchange Student

The Moe Howard

The Sex Mo-Sheen And The Pantsuit

Promethean Times’ 2010 Person Of The Year: Us

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

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'Lil Kim, 2010, 2011, Abner Doubleday should sue the hell out of the guy who 'invented' cricket, Africa, American soldiers, Axis of Evil, Barack Obama, bellicose shenanigans, Bernie Madoff, BP, Bradley Manning, Bush the intellectuable, Chief Executive, comical despots, Conan O'Brien, congress, conventional wisdom, copyright infringement, corporate douchebaggery, cricket, Democratic Party, effete Mac users, Elizabeth Edwards, Face & Boobs man, feel-good policies, figurative fellatio, Franklin Pierce, Fugeeman, games foreigners play, genocide, George W. Bush, GOP, Haiti, Haitian Crisis, Haitian Earthquake, Hitler of Major League Baseball, How very original!, hucksterism, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Jay Leno, John Edwards, Julian Assange, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, leeches, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Martha Stewart Living, Michael Lohan, MiLo, Miss You Mom, modern classics, Mood the Dude, mullets, Nanci Pelosi, nanny state, North Korea, Osama bin Laden, Osama's crazed legions, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, People Magazine, personal magnetism, Pierce was known more for drink than for effective leadership, poor Elizabeth Edwards--she was so brave and she suffered so much, popular culture, President Bush, President Obama, Promethean Times, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, religious right, Republican Party, retcons, rumor has it that the vote for Person of the Year was fixed, San Francisco Giants, San Mateo, Sarah Palin, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, special-needs children, Spiro Agnew, Sports Illustrated, step your game up, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, terrifying Campfire Girl, Texas Rangers, the canonization of St. Elizabeth, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the Devil, the impotence of the UN, the increasing irrelevance of TIME, the UN's maddening inaction in the face of genocide, theogeologist, Tim Lincecum, Time, TIME allows pedestrian intellects to believe they are otherwise, TIME's Person of the Year, Tony Hayward, tradition, Transformers I and II, treachery, UN, United Nations, United States of America, WikiLeaks, Wyclef Jean, yes theogeologist is another coinage but like grammaverick you've gotta admit it kicks ass

By Promethean Times

Conventional wisdom warns that TIME‘s annual Person of the Year award is so iconic as to render superfluous any imitations.  However, as it has so many times before, Promethean Times eschews the expected by boldly forging a new path, in this instance by appropriating TIME‘s 80-year-old tradition.

Did You Know? TIME Was Once Known For Journalism, And Was Considered More Newsworthy Than Its Current Contemporaries, People Magazine And Martha Stewart Living.

The decision to bestow Promethean Times with this highly coveted accolade did not come easily.  A great many individuals and events helped to make 2010 one of the most dynamic years on record.

There was Julian Assange of WikiLeaks, and traitorous American soldier Bradley Manning, who assisted in the appropriation of several documents.  There was BP’s disgraced Tony Hayward, whose reputation in tatters, has only his fabulous wealth to console him, and Bernie Madoff, although convicted in 2009, still managed to keep his name in circulation.

US President Barack Obama rammed through feel-good policies to be billed to posterity and the people loved him for it.  The press, however, seemed to recover from their embarrassing love affair with the Chief Executive, quixotically alternating hot and cold by one day proclaiming the President a lame duck, and the next heralding him as the greatest president since Franklin Pierce.

One Of These Kids Is More Popular Than The Other.

Much as a leech would, Congress eagerly clung to the President’s agenda, but lacking the President’s (or any, largely) personal magnetism, found itself the victim of what the press liked to call “an anti-incumbent agenda.”  Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi realized too late that a sunny smile does little good when it’s the handiwork of San Mateo’s finest Face & Boobs man.

Then there was the Tea Party to consider.  The completely leaderless grassroots organization, headed by terrifying Campfire Girl Sarah Palin and funded by deep-pocketed partisans, managed to drive the few remaining moderate Republicans from the GOP.  This end was aided by the Republicans’ skill at figuratively fellating the Religious Right, although the Democrats made a game and creditable attempt at it.

Pretty-like-the-prom-queen huckster John Edwards imploded earlier this year, terrifyingly reminding people ignorant of Spiro Agnew that America came “this close” to electing a scumbag as vice-president.  Edwards’ estranged wife Elizabeth, long regarded as a dismissive, cold-hearted bitch, received secular canonization upon her recent death, and has been retconned into a nurturing, saintly person.  She got cheated on and she died?  Tsk.  You will be missed, Elizabeth.

Finally! Someone Faced A Debilitating Illness With Courage And Dignity. Don't You Wish Elizabeth Had Been Your Mom?

Former President George Bush was also considered for Person of the Year due to his lasting influence on the country, and on the Democratic Party in particular.  Until the weeks preceding the November elections, Democrats were so enamored of the former Republican Chief Executive that the words ‘George W. Bush’ comprised 25-35% of the typical Democratic fundraising speech.

Fugeeman responded to the Haitian earthquake with the aplomb and statesmanship one would expect from a Caribbean head of state; he announced a presidential bid which then unceremoniously petered out.  We also gave some thought to the Devil, who many experts, including noted theogeologist Pat Robertson, believe to be the ultimate author of the devastating Haitian Quake.  The UN deserved some consideration as well, despite that the global organization’s response to the Haitian Crisis was characteristically bungled and that it continues to counter both African genocide and rogue nuclear states with the twin forces of hand-wringing coupled with laughably empty threats.

The Machinations Of This Evil Genius Bedevil Us Still.

We considered several despots, including the scrappy madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, who holds in equal contempt mullets and the Jews, and the comically diminutive Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s dying tyrant, who continues to terrify an impotent international community with his bellicose shenanigans, and who elevated his special-needs son to the #2 spot in the impoverished third-world hellhole.  And although he had a comparatively mellow 2010, ‘Lil Kim and Mood the Dude’s Axis of Evil amigo, Osama bin Laden, quietly exerted his pernicious influence on his legions of crazed followers.

Pop culture had its share of earth-shakers.  It was hard to overlook Josh Duhamel, whose masterful performance in the universally-beloved modern classic Transformers I and II shattered expectations about what movie-goers could expect from an infantile two-hour commercial.  At the same time an inane late-night war between TV icons Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien diverted the attentions of a grateful nation in the same way as does a bright piece of string or a shiny object.  And somewhere, Steve Jobs did something that made effete Mac users cream their shorts.

Is This The World You Want For Your Children?

In sporting news, the San Francisco Giants, called the ‘Hitler of Major League Baseball’ by at least one satiric internet source, won the World Series over the nearly-as-odious Texas Rangers.  Also, there was some scandal in cricket–it’s a game copied from baseball, apparently–that stoked the ire of millions across the globe, but was otherwise unimportant.

Taking all these people and events into account, we worked tirelessly to determine the single most transformational factor in 2010.  In the end, we were unanimous on our selection of Promethean Times as Promethean Times‘ Person of the Year, citing Promethean Times‘ ongoing benefit to the global community as well as its consistent awesomeness.  Promethean Times is “extremely surprised, but pleased” by the announcement.

And for Promethean Times‘ Douchebag of the Year: Michael “MiLo” Lohan. What the hell, right?

His Infernal Majesty Assures Us That In 2011, He'll Step His Game Up.

Happy 2011, everybody!

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim: The Least Of Three Evils

16 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

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'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, comical despots, comically despotic dynasties, Eric Clapton, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-chol, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jong-un, Kimkinder, Korean Succession Crisis, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, loser, Macau, North Korea, Numba One Son, Numba Two Son, Pyongyang, the dude who owns the liquor store a block away from where you work, United States of America, video games, WikiLeaks, Wishnik Troll, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you, Young General

By Smaktakula

Ever Mischievous, Kim Jong-il Told This Soldier That The Cookie Jar Shaped Like The U.S. Capitol Was Filled With Nourishing Rice.

In the weeks following the announcement in Pyongyang regarding the planned succession of Kim Jong-un, the corpulent youngest son of decaying comical despot Kim Jong-il.  Kim Jong-un, known popularly as “The Brilliant Comrade” or according to some sources, “The Young General,” was initially considered a longshot for the succession due to his youth, backwardness and lack of a girlfriend despite being in his late twenties.

A Promotional Still From Kim's Short-Lived Reality Show, "Who Wants To Be A Third-World Despot?"

The Brilliant Comrade’s elevation caught most observers by surprise.  It was thought that the dying dictator might not name a successor at all, instead leaving the impoverished third-world hellhole in the capable hands of its generals.  However, revelations from documents released recently by WikiLeaks help to shed light on the succession mystery.

Kim Jong-chol: "Rook Out, Radies! Hot Stuff, Comin' Through!"

One source says of Kim Jong-un, “‘Lil ‘Lil Kim is a historical accident,” adding, “If either of his older brothers was worth a damn, the Brilliant Comrade could return to his first love: building intricately designed cuckoo clocks for his vast collection of doll houses.”  But for the tongue-tied tyrant such carefree days are behind him; although he never asked for the responsibility, it is incumbent upon Kim Jong-un to perpetuate the ruination of their homeland begun by his grandfather, Kim Il-sung and then continued by his father, Kim Jong-il.

When Asked The Reason For His Love Of Doll Houses, Kim Jong-un Replied, "Dorries Never Starve To D-D-Death."

For years it was assumed that Kim Jong-nam, eldest of the Kimkinder, would succeed his father upon the elder Kim’s much-rejoiced eventual death.  However, the demented Wishnik Troll is said to have soured on his playboy son after the younger Kim was caught trying to sneak into Japan for the admitted purpose of visiting Tokyo Disney.  Currently living an exile’s life in Macau, Kim Jong-nam has criticized his father’s choice of successor.  Sources close to Kim Jong-nam say that he is hoping to take power in Pyongyang when his younger brother fails.  This, of course, remains contingent on his surviving the inevitable assassination attempt resulting from his poorly chosen words.

Eldest Son Kim Jong-nam Looks Amazingly Like The Dude Who Owns The Liquor Store A Block Away From Where You Work.

The next son, Kim Jong-chol is no better.  A fan of Western music, Numba Two Son is said to have lost favor with his father after being spotted at an Eric Clapton concert in Germany.  Adding to Kim Jong-chol’s troubles is the perception that he lacks the requisite masculinity for North Korea’s premier job.  Most damning, however, are the revelations that the second son has moved into the dungeon below Kim’s palace, where he devotes all his time to video games.

The Video Games Were One Thing, But When Kim Jong-chol Began Showing Up To Strategy Meetings In Costume, His Father Could Take No More.

The anointing of ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim begins to seem less strange when weighed against his cretinous siblings.  True, the tubby tyrant is an awkward, maladjusted, friendless toad–but he may just be North Korea’s last, best hope.

Ever The Pragmatist, Kim's Philosophy Is "If You Can't Be With The One You Ruv, Baby, Better Ruv The One You're With."

Tonight, A Father And Son Are A Rittre Ress Ronery

24 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim is dying, bonding, Brilliant Comrade, comical despots, comically despotic dynasties, daddy issues, fat people, Glorious Blossoming, Great Leader, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-un is most likely batshit crazy, Korean War, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, Meet the Un-Kim, North Korea, Pyongyang, So Ronery, South Korea, unprovoked attack, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you

By Smaktakula

In Another Time, Another Place--This Could Have Been The Kims. Perhaps Then They Wouldn't Be So . . . Ronery.

In the dismal, crumbling concrete tomb that is Pyongyang, there are small but increasingly hopeful signs of life.  In a touching moment of bonding, dying despot Kim Jong-il is reportedly spending quality time with his youngest son and chosen successor, Kim Jong-un.  ‘Lil Kim is said to be teaching ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim about the trials and tribulations of statecraft by launching an unprovoked attack on a South Korean island.

Father And Son: Only A Few Short Feet Separates Them, But They Are Divided By A Chasm As Huge And Unrelenting As Heartbreak.

Said a North Korean ambassador:

“The Great Leader knows that continuity is important to our great nation, and he has every confidence that when the day comes for the Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un to take his rightful place as our terrible master, the transition will go smoothly and gloriously.”

He then added:

“Do you have any food?  I would very much like some food.”

Launching a sneak attack against neighboring South Korea is thought to be an excellent bonding opportunity for North Korea’s two most powerful men, as Kims ‘Lil and ‘Lil ‘Lil are both fans of large-scale violence.  According to sources, the elder Kim wants to show his son that the international community will huff and puff, but that as long as the repressive third-world regime dangles the nuclear carrot, will stand by helplessly.

"Seriousry? You're Afraid? Now, Risten To Me You Stuttering Toad--If They Were REARRY Gonna Do Anything, They Woulda Done It Rong Time Ago."*

Sources close to Pyongyang, who agreed to speak to Promethean Times upon conditions of anonymity and after being provided with food, said that Kim is doing more than preparing his son for leadership.  “The Great Leader is hoping that by spending time with the boy, it will bolster his self-esteem.  When the younger Kim is feeling better about himself, we expect to see an end to his Glorious Blossoming,” he said, employing the official euphemism for ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s ‘Lil weight problem.

'Lil 'Lil Kim Awaits Reaction To His New PR Campaign: "Meet The Un-Kim."

*Please read here for more details on ‘Lil Kim’s unusual accent.

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s ‘Lil Weight Problem

11 Monday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim is dying, Asia, Brilliant Comrade, comical despots, despots of size, fat people, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-un is batshit crazy, North Korea, people of size, succession, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss. Except Much Fatter.

It’s not typical in the information age for the political rising star of a nuclear-capable rogue state to go unnoticed by nervous foreign powers.  But in the case of the Brilliant Comrade, Kim Jong-il’s mysterious and until recently unknown son, Kim Jong-un, that appears to be exactly what happened.

Because Despots-In-Training--Even The Comical Kind--Do Not Smile For Photos.

Now the old man is trotting ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim out at every opportunity, giving the world a chance to examine the Brilliant Comrade in detail.  He’s a little heftier than previous pictures indicated, not unremarkable in a country so desperately lacking in food.  Moreover, ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s porcine features coupled with the irascible disposition he is said to have inherited from his father lends him that special brand of terrifying goofiness which should allow him to lord over the impoverished third-world hellhole as long as its crumbling infrastructure holds out.

"Th-Th-Th-That's All, F-F-F-Forks!"

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim Promoted

30 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, News

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, 4 Star General, Big Kim, Brilliant Comrade, Central Military Commission, comical despots, comically despotic dynasties, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, North Korea, Regions

By Smaktakula

Pyongyang announced recently that The Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un, son of comical despot Kim Jong-il has been made a vice-chairman of the Central Military Commission and promoted to the rank of Four Star General.  Most North Korea analysts see this as confirmation that ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim has been tapped to be his father’s chosen successor.

Big Kim, 'Lil Kim, 'Lil 'Lil Kim (Maybe).

At the tender age of twenty-seven (or possibly twenty-eight), The Brilliant Comrade has succeeded wildly in comparison to the shiftless couch-warmers who comprise his generation.  This kid’s a four-star general–guess you being the youngest partner at Lemitz, Lemitz and Mulcahy isn’t such a big fucking deal, huh?

"My Regions Will Destroy You! . . . What? . . . Regions. I Can't Berieve You Never Heard That. You Know, Rike A Bunch Of Sordiers. Regions."

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