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Tag Archives: people of size

People Of Size Demand To Be Represented In Diabetes Commercials

27 Sunday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Commercials, death by obesity, Diabetes, fat people, obesity, people of size, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Snooki, United States of America, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Seriously, They’re Upset.

Anywhere you travel across this great land, you’re very nearly guaranteed to see obese people. Whether they’re wolfing down a score of Whoppers at Burger King or zipping through the mall on their scooters, with cell phones to their ears and an extra-large bucket of soda in the drink tray, their gelatinous buttocks spilling over the seat–blubbery humanoids are becoming an everyday facet of American life.

In our society, obesity is ubiquitous and inescapable: in the supermarket and at public events, at the mall or even the gym. However, there is one arena where America’s blubbery class is all but invisible: television. Corpulent faces are rare on television, and this is even truer in regard to commercials.

This Is No More Fanciful Than The Representations Made In Actual Diabetes Commercials.

Some activists want to change this paradigm, and show America a swollen, spotty face like the one it sees in the mirror every morning. Monty Robinson of Let America Respect Diversity (LARD), an advocacy group for people of size, believes the best avenue for this accurate depiction is diabetes commercials.

Currently, most diabetes commercials look like this:

Does the man in this clip look like anyone you know who has diabetes? No, the man is an actor, who doesn’t have diabetes. His middle-age paunch is his only nod toward obesity; he is only pretending to have this largely-preventable, first-world malady.

Advocates Feel That Reality-TV Star, Snooki (Seen Here), Would Make An Excellent Diabetes Spokesperson.

Obesity activists point out that African-American characters are portrayed by African-American actors, and that Asian actors portray Asian characters.  Why then aren’t diabetes sufferers portrayed by gelatinous fatsos? “It’s not fair,” says corpulent actor Randy Bumfield, “How is anyone supposed to believe that I just had my gangrenous leg amputated if I’m handsome, slim and trim?”

In Reality, Diabetes Isn’t So Pretty.

The reality is that the producers of these commercials will never see fit to accurately represent their target audience. Diabetes spots will continue to feature paunchy-but-healthy middle-aged actors, who think nothing of trampling underfoot the surprisingly-sensitive emotions of the doughy monstrosities they purport to represent. This doesn’t, however, mean that Americans of size need go entirely without recognition–not if the average citizen does his or her part.

So the next time you’re in McDonalds for a late-night McFlurry run, and you’re greeted by the barnyard sound of rank humanity inhaling its feed, don’t wrinkle your nose in disgust or take a photo to show your friends on Facebook. Instead, make a conscious choice for change, and approach one of these ‘people.’  Imagine how good he (or she) will feel when you tell him, ‘That should be you in the diabetes commercial!’

These Dedicated Young Actors Are Working Diligently To Perfect Their Diabetes Skills.

All We Want For Christmas

24 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"Want Some?", bad pick-up lines, Christmas, fat and stupid people, fat people, fatties, judge not lest ye be judged, losers, obesity, people of size, schadenfreude, stupid people, useless crap store, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?, world peace

From The Promethean Times‘ Staff

If We Could Be Greedy And Ask For A Second Thing, It Would Be To Eliminate The Kind Of Useless Crap Store Where You Might Purchase A Card Such As This.

It’s not any sweater, stereo, gadget, gizmo, geegaw, doodad or accoutrement.

It’s not cash or gift cards.

It certainly isn’t world peace.

Our sole and fervent wish this December 25th is a simple one:  What we want is to extract a promise from nature, that no matter how badly our lives turn out, we’ll never, ever become this guy:

"Hey Ladies--Got Any German In Ya?"

My Freaky Mommy

21 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Courtney Love, Donna Simpson, embarrassing parents, fat people, Guinness Book of World Records, Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara, people of size, Rajo Devi Lohan, reality television, Spain, Victoria Lacatus, waddling grotesquery, world's fattest mom

By Smaktakula

In The Quaint Days Of Yesteryear, This Is What Passed For Embarrassing Parental Behavior.

Across time and culture it has long been the accepted practice of parents everywhere to embarrass their children. Historically this has taken many forms, with parents finding some way–a dead-end job, an embarrassing religious or social affiliation, or being personally grotesque–to mortify their offspring.  So it has gone since time began, and so it was assumed until recently, it would continue. But the current era’s tendency toward both permissiveness and cynicism means that parents must work increasingly hard to humiliate their jaded offspring.

The era of confessional reality TV ensures that parents can no longer rely upon being overly confessional (i.e., “Did Cindy tell you she was born with a vestigial tail?” or “No, I haven’t always been a woman . . .”), as today’s youth take any attention as a positive thing.

Nothing Is More Beautiful Or Natural Than Motherhood.

Nor does fringe-level employment scar children like it used to. In this age of unemployment and diminished expectations, no one is likely to be embarrassed that their father’s primary source of income is as a plasma donor.

Once upon a time having parents who were gay, super-religious, ultra-strict, nudists and the like was enough to mortify a child. But with society’s increasing fragmentation and constant search for meaning, a parent who embraces all of these characteristics is hardly unusual. Conventional wisdom says the era when parents could count on embarrassing their children is over.

Doctors Were Amazed Not Only That Victoria’s Massive Body Could Sustain A Pregnancy, But Also That She Found A Man Drunk Enough To Have Relations With Her.

But there are those who are still trying. These brave parental pioneers, or as some call them–holdouts, resist the defeatism of popular wisdom strive instead to find that thing which will induce shame-cringing in their offspring.

We’re Inclined To Agree.

Advances in medical science coupled with lapses in medical ethics are making it possible for old ladies to have children. The world’s oldest first-time mother,72-year-old Rajo Devi Lohan,* announced recently that she is dying from complications following the birth of her son, now eighteen months old. To her credit, Lohan has no regrets.

But there has been no comment from the eighteen-month old child she leaves behind to be raised by an even more decrepit husband. Similarly there has been silence from the orphaned 2-year-old twins of Spain’s Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara, formerly the world’s oldest mom. Bousada holds the distinction of having a name which takes more time to say than she actually spent with her children.

Silly Children! That’s Not The Grim Specter Of Death Grinning Down At You–That’s Just Mommy!

While having a ridiculously-ancient mommy delivers a massive dose of humiliation over a short period of time, some pro-humiliation parents are choosing a more measured approach: obesity. While obesity can lead to an early death, the human body is usually resilient enough to shoulder the load during child-bearing years, often keeping the parent alive well into their child’s adulthood. Furthermore, an amazing amount of posthumous humiliation is inflicted upon fatty’s children when several walls must be removed from the home before the corpulent corpse can be extracted.

It’s No Use Telling The Poor Man To Run–The Left Side Of His Body Has Already Been Assimilated.

532-pound heifer Donna Simpson is striving (figuratively speaking; the woman can barely walk) to become the World’s Fattest Mom.** Simpson, whose daughter Jacqueline will no doubt make her talk-show debut sometime circa 2025, claims that the Guinness Book of World Records is prepared to recognize her “achievement.” This claim could not be verified, and is most likely false.

Unless That’s Brown Celery, We Suggest You Put It Back.

Mothers like Simpson or Lohan demonstrate that the conventional wisdom is pretty conventional after all. Parents interested in continuing in the humiliation tradition would be wise to emulate either one of these women or better yet, to strike out on their own to discover wild new frontiers in mental scarring. And for those rare individuals who wish the psychic assault to ruin not just their children, but also generations of children yet unborn, can do their best to become Courtney Love.

“I Have To Do It, Honey! There Are Still People In America Who Haven’t Seen Mommy’s Cooter.”

* No relation to the straight-to-video Lohans.
**  While researching this story, we discovered to our horror that Ms. Simpson has her own pornographic site.  Although the image was on our screen for less than three seconds, it is etched into Smaktakula’s brain for all eternity.

People Of Size Undeserving Of Your Scorn

04 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

addiction, America's inability to say NO, apology, baleen whales, bloggers, CBS, childhood obesity, chubby chasers, evil corporations, fast food, fat people, girthophobia, intolerance, irresponsibility, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, Marie Claire, Maura Kelly, Mike and Molly, North Korea, obesity, people of size, Pizza the Hut, plumper porn, poor self-esteem, shifting blame, sizeism, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, trans-fats, waddling grotesquery, War on Fat, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

In A Perfect World Parents Would Have Another Option For Feeding Their Children. If Only There Were Some Kind Of Market Where Parents Could Purchase Fresh, Wholesome Food To Prepare For Their Children, That Would Be Super.

Recently, a blogger for Marie Claire was compelled to issue an abject apology after making derogatory comments about people of size.  In a scathing review of CBS‘ new fat show, Mike and Molly, columnist Maura Kelly called fat people “aesthetically displeasing,” and compared obesity to an addiction.  The nationwide eruption of hurt feelings took Marie Claire’s editors by surprise, and after some fumbling, they distanced themselves from the story and presumably forced Kelly’s apology.

It’s laughable to think that a simple act of contrition can exculpate either Kelly or Marie Claire for this deplorable instance of intolerance.  People of size may have massive, quivering bodies, but their self-esteem is by contrast as delicate as a sugar sculpture.  By shattering it, Kelly has only served to drive these waddling grotesqueries back into the cool, comforting embrace of the refrigerator in a vain effort to exorcise their pain.  The blogger should not only be fired, but also subjected to some sort of sensitivity-increasing exercise, such as the forced viewing of plumper porn.

Really? You'd Like To See These Two Baleen Going At It?

Kelly’s supporters argue that like drug addiction, eating disorders are medically recognized conditions, and that the writer’s opinions echo those of medical science.  Moreover, they’re likely to point to the fact that outside of fetishists, most people are turned off by fleshy truckloads of undulant blubber.

But She Has A Great Sense Of Humor.

These excuses betray the rotten logic of girthophobes.  Just because something is true doesn’t mean it should be said, if saying it means portraying an individual’s lifestyle choices as within his control.  Kelly is doing nothing more than blaming the individual for the situation in which he has put himself.

He Remains Curiously Unsympathetic To America's Obesity Epidemic.

The War On Fat is already lost.  The winners are the fast-food and processed food industries, who are in business for no other reason than to make money.  To flog their products, these companies stoop to advertising during children’s programming, and often include toys with their products.  These companies are perpetrating a modern Holocaust, preying on America’s inability to say NO.

Which is why the government will soon have to step in to provide the NO.  Once trans-fats, sodium, corn syrup and other dangerous additives have been removed from the American diet, the obesity epidemic should waste away like a North Korean peasant.  Until then, the disgustingly obese deserve to be treated with tolerance: they can’t help it.

Except For The Healthy Lifestyle Choices And The Hours Upon Hours In The Gym, Brad Pitt's Physique Is A Matter Of Pure Luck.

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s ‘Lil Weight Problem

11 Monday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim is dying, Asia, Brilliant Comrade, comical despots, despots of size, fat people, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-un is batshit crazy, North Korea, people of size, succession, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss. Except Much Fatter.

It’s not typical in the information age for the political rising star of a nuclear-capable rogue state to go unnoticed by nervous foreign powers.  But in the case of the Brilliant Comrade, Kim Jong-il’s mysterious and until recently unknown son, Kim Jong-un, that appears to be exactly what happened.

Because Despots-In-Training--Even The Comical Kind--Do Not Smile For Photos.

Now the old man is trotting ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim out at every opportunity, giving the world a chance to examine the Brilliant Comrade in detail.  He’s a little heftier than previous pictures indicated, not unremarkable in a country so desperately lacking in food.  Moreover, ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s porcine features coupled with the irascible disposition he is said to have inherited from his father lends him that special brand of terrifying goofiness which should allow him to lord over the impoverished third-world hellhole as long as its crumbling infrastructure holds out.

"Th-Th-Th-That's All, F-F-F-Forks!"

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

19th Century French Literature, bovine-on-human violence, Cat in the Hat, CDSA, childish sexual innuendo, China, cock, CockBlog, comical despots, comical spelling errors, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel, craptastic eatery, curs, Donkey Kong, douchebaggery, dreadlocks, drugs, Duke, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fat people, female anatomy, Freddie Mercury, Fugeeman, George Sherrill, happy thoughts, hot and cold running chicks, Irene Folstrom, Islam, Jay Bush, Jean Valjean, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, K2, Les Miserables, madness, marijuana, Mauritanian Meat-Sword, Michael Lohan, Michael Lohan is a turd with eyes, Miley Cyrus, not what you were looking for?, old people, Olive Garden, Pakistan, pastaphilia, Pauly Shore, penis, penis-based racism, people of size, phallophilia, poor spelling, racism, rastaphilia, rave culture, Reverend Fred Phelps, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, senior citizens, sexy nurses, skankery, skankism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, Soylent Green, sweet sweet cheeba, the knacker, treachery, Turkish Tool, unctuous pimp, vagina, Victor Hugo, violence, virile He-Man, waddling grotesquery, Walt Stoelting, weed, Why am I so fat?, Wyclef Jean, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For?  In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed. 

You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For?  Conversely, you might really dislike it.  It’s not for us to decide.

promeethean times  And wee’re off!

cock riders  The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.

unemployment lazy   Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.

skankist  You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, please enjoy.

sexy dick in mouth non  Oui!

obama rethinking marijuana  Will he rethink that rap video?

be glad you’re not that guy   Oh, we are.

sexy man spaghetti  Um.

anti george sherrill  You’ll find a home here, friend.

jay bush bean prison  If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail.  And for Duke, the glue factory.

athretes  Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.

michael lohan cock  Isn’t he though?

fred phelps secret  The secret is that he’s a raging homo.

fat people running  Hmm, there’s something about this . . .

children running of the bulls spain   . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem. 

donkey cock   Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?

walt stoelting blog  Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.

wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide  Oh, very clever.  We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables.  Actually, that is pretty clever.  And pointless.

pauly shore weed  It would explain a lot.

safe horse fuck movies  We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.

miley cyrus delusional  Totally.

abigail folger  Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?

olive garden people   They’re not people.  THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap.  We were thinking of Soylent Green.

the violence and madness of arab muslim  Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out.  We can’t help you.

nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh.  Good . . . very good.  Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing.  TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!

beautiful dreadlock guy  He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.

pakistani penis  Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link.  How about some Turkish Tool?  No?  Mauritanian Meat-Sword?

elderly remote  Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote. 

penis in bosses mouth   Shh. Hush now, Boss.  Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.

dirty mullet  Is there any other kind?

happy thoughts  Happy to oblige! 

drugged raver  Fish in a barrel, man.  Fish in a barrel.

lorena bobbit and bull penis  We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find.  No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.

live aid  Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What?  He did?  How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things?  We’re so, so sorry.

asshole hairstyles   So do you mean . . .?  No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole.  Pretty sure.

k2 inhalants  Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.

black man cock  Really?  In 2010?  Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis.  We do judge by length and thickness, however.  You have been warned.

vagina  Okay, this one’s a fake.   It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?

Commercials We Do Not Like: The Olive Garden

23 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Commercials, Corporate Culture, Culture, Food, General Foolishness, People, Relationships, Social Networking, Television

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Commercials, commercials we do not like, craptastic eatery, Elko, fat people, Italian food, Italy, Kentucky, Lexington, MSG, Nevada, Olive Garden, people of size, Red Lobster, seedy massage parlors frequented by Smaktakula, when you're here you're family, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

The Olive Garden has been crapping out adequate fare for nearly thirty years, all the while striving mightily to frame itself as the workingman’s access to continental dining.  Targeting those customers for whom the Red Lobster is too provincial, the Olive Garden aspires to bring the charm of an idealized Old World Italy to such unlikely spots as Lexington, Kentucky or Elko, Nevada.     

These Ample Eaters Are More Representative Of Olive Garden Customers Than Are The Beautiful People In The Commercials

No one begrudges Olive Garden’s right to pass off its inedible fare as authentic Italian.  Americans have long been tolerant of such culinary bastardizations, preferring them in most cases to the authentic ethnic dishes from which they came.  However, as understandable as Olive Garden’s right to make a profit from the insensate palates of gastronomically-benumbed Americans may be, their commercials venture into the realm of the unforgivable.     

One familiar commercial features a laughing group of family members engaged in spirited non-stop conversation about the food set before them, thrusting lightly with their forks at one another’s plates, merrily sharing food.      

Any real gathering of an American family that doesn’t include drunken recriminations and acidic passive-aggression is a sham.  Moreover, in the current climate of bacterial paranoia coupled with orgiastic overeating, anyone foolish enough to attempt snatching food from a neighbor’s plate is most likely to end the encounter with a fork jutting from the back of his hand.     

Another commercial features a similar assemblage, this time a group of upwardly mobile, physically fit and improbably racially diverse friends.  Like the aforementioned family, the hot young pals can think of nothing better to discuss than the fine fare at Olive Garden, until one asshat kills the conversation by declaring his intention of “doing the alfredo.”  Outside of their boorish behavior, these people bear very little resemblance to the mouth-breathing hominids one is likely to encounter within the stuccoed confines of this craptastic eatery.     

Olive Garden’s most memorable campaign is also its most odious.  It should be familiar by now: an unctuous voice, oozing with manufactured warmth, intones at the close of the commercial, “When you’re here, you’re family.”     

Really?  Unless it’s a tacit guarantee that the meal will be free, promising to treat the customer like family is cynical glibbery of the lowest order.  It’s doubtful that many people will recall Mom charging $14.95 for a lackluster plate of spaghetti with the promise of unlimited salad and MSG-encrusted bread sticks.     

And last is this commercial, which informs us breathlessly that “At Olive Garden, ‘generosity’ begins with a G,” clearly ignorant of the fact that the word also begins with a G throughout the United States and many parts of Canada.  However, the unconvincingly accented narrator goes on to remind us that at Olive Garden, generosity ends “when you are happy,” which sounds a lot like this Chinese massage parlor that Smaktakula knows about.     

 

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