Tag Archives: obesity

Headlines: We’re Not Laughing, Ricky

20 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

No Matter How Loudly We Trumpet Our Innocence, The Man’s Always Trying To Bring Us Down.

In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.

***

What We Lost When J.F.K. Died ~ Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.

Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.

Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston ~ Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.

Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!

Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery ~ Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.

Still Think ‘Fat Shaming’ Is Wrong In Every Instance?

Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? ~ It already does, fucknugget.

Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?

Big penis, small penis ~ Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.

1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!

Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…

No, Martha, That’s Not A “Good Thing” At All. It’s A Crime Against Nature!

Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.

Is Obama to blame for North Korea? ~ Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.

‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–“the world needs ditch-diggers.”

Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?

40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet ~ Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”

So, No–This Is Not Cool.

Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach ~ Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.

What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.

UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk ~ Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.

Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.

What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs ~ “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”

And Sometimes People Laugh At What They Do Understand.

Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.

Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.

Why Are Some People Left-Handed? ~ Because God is cruel.

Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?

What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’

Based On Our One Brief Visit To Poland, We Assure You That Everything You’ve Heard About Those People Is True.

Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’

Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old ~ That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’

NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ ~ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.

Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.

Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO ~ It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?

I’ve Had Shirts Made Up And Everything!

Headlines: No Rod Unspared

04 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by in Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Politics, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

And They All Lived Happily Ever After.

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!

What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.

The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?

Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!

Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.

What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.

Individually, We’re Super-Nice People. It’s Only When We Run In Packs That You Want To Start Keeping An Eye Out.

Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”

Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on ~ No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.

Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals ~ Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.

Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.

Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.

The 10 biggest errors in baseball history ~ Shorts on the White Sox has got to be way up there. That was just gay, and we mean that in the bad way.

Yes, It Was Worse Than That Time They Threw The World Series.

Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!

Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.

It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….

Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy ~ To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.

Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.

Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.

The Fact That You Will Never Have To Suffer Hypertension, Diabetes, Gout Or A Host Of First-World Maladies Should Put An End To Your Sense Of Entitlement And Also Help With Your Obvious Body-Image Issues.

Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.

Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. ~ Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.

Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”

Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes ~ These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’

Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.

Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.

“Don’t Spare The Rod. Am I Right, Fellahs?”

Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.

Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.

Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.

’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.

Alameda County sheriff seeks drone to fight crime ~ Is there an Alameda County in Kandahar? Otherwise this seems…we don’t know…kinda un-American?

Taliban Insurgents Learned Their Rage Through A Life Of War And Deprivation. Oakland Anarchists Came To It By Way Of The Middle Class.

People Of Size Demand To Be Represented In Diabetes Commercials

27 Sunday May 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

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By Smaktakula

Seriously, They’re Upset.

Anywhere you travel across this great land, you’re very nearly guaranteed to see obese people. Whether they’re wolfing down a score of Whoppers at Burger King or zipping through the mall on their scooters, with cell phones to their ears and an extra-large bucket of soda in the drink tray, their gelatinous buttocks spilling over the seat–blubbery humanoids are becoming an everyday facet of American life.

In our society, obesity is ubiquitous and inescapable: in the supermarket and at public events, at the mall or even the gym. However, there is one arena where America’s blubbery class is all but invisible: television. Corpulent faces are rare on television, and this is even truer in regard to commercials.

This Is No More Fanciful Than The Representations Made In Actual Diabetes Commercials.

Some activists want to change this paradigm, and show America a swollen, spotty face like the one it sees in the mirror every morning. Monty Robinson of Let America Respect Diversity (LARD), an advocacy group for people of size, believes the best avenue for this accurate depiction is diabetes commercials.

Currently, most diabetes commercials look like this:

Does the man in this clip look like anyone you know who has diabetes? No, the man is an actor, who doesn’t have diabetes. His middle-age paunch is his only nod toward obesity; he is only pretending to have this largely-preventable, first-world malady.

Advocates Feel That Reality-TV Star, Snooki (Seen Here), Would Make An Excellent Diabetes Spokesperson.

Obesity activists point out that African-American characters are portrayed by African-American actors, and that Asian actors portray Asian characters.  Why then aren’t diabetes sufferers portrayed by gelatinous fatsos? “It’s not fair,” says corpulent actor Randy Bumfield, “How is anyone supposed to believe that I just had my gangrenous leg amputated if I’m handsome, slim and trim?”

In Reality, Diabetes Isn’t So Pretty.

The reality is that the producers of these commercials will never see fit to accurately represent their target audience. Diabetes spots will continue to feature paunchy-but-healthy middle-aged actors, who think nothing of trampling underfoot the surprisingly-sensitive emotions of the doughy monstrosities they purport to represent. This doesn’t, however, mean that Americans of size need go entirely without recognition–not if the average citizen does his or her part.

So the next time you’re in McDonalds for a late-night McFlurry run, and you’re greeted by the barnyard sound of rank humanity inhaling its feed, don’t wrinkle your nose in disgust or take a photo to show your friends on Facebook. Instead, make a conscious choice for change, and approach one of these ‘people.’  Imagine how good he (or she) will feel when you tell him, ‘That should be you in the diabetes commercial!’

These Dedicated Young Actors Are Working Diligently To Perfect Their Diabetes Skills.

Headlines 05.18.12

18 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

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By Smaktakula

Despite The Severity Of The Accident, Nobody Felt A Thing.

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the articles. Reading is for the weak.

Why This Isn’t ‘The Most Important Election’ ~ Because they can’t ALL be, right?

Cool or creepy? It kisses back ~ Depends on what ‘It’ is.

Secret Service Reportedly Bragged About Obama In Brothel ~ So you’re just gonna take the hooker’s word for it?

Packers aide whose son died gets Miami job ~ So the story has a happy ending after all.

Drink a couple of beers & you might ace a test ~ Not a field sobriety test, though. Be warned.

In Fact, Not Every Time Is Miller Time.

7 ways to fix weird odors ~ 1) Bathe. 2) Bathe again. 3) Cologne. 4) Bathe. 5) Bathe. 6) 1 hour of intensive burlap dermabrasion therapy. 7) Bathe.

Popular Antibiotic May Raise Risk of Sudden Death ~Wait! They’re taking cardio-arrhythmocin off the market?

First-time porno viewer sees his wife in film ~ Yeah, ‘first time.’

Actress ‘can’t look away’ from boob jobs ~ We’re the same way.

They Have Their Own Gravitational Field; Light Itself Is Bent To Their Evil Desires.

Beaten for being born a girl? ~ Pussy can make men do crazy things.

23 Zoo Animals That Will Eat Your Children ~ 23 fun new ways to relieve yourself of an unwanted burden.

Iranian president: Israel ‘nothing more than a mosquito’ to Iran ~ No fair! We get in a whole mess of trouble when we call Jews ‘bloodsuckers.’

Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath? ~ Pfft. We’ve called 9 year-olds a whole lot worse.

Why Wrigley Field Must Be Destroyed ~ Well, for one thing, if occupied at the time of destruction, it would go a long way toward solving America’s obesity epidemic.

Unlike The Previous Pic, Those Babies Are Real.

World record holder for ‘longest time to live with a bullet in the head’ dies ~ Pauly Shore–are you reading this? We may have just discovered your way back into the public eye!

Group argues weed is safer than booze ~ Unfortunately, they were arguing with a group of drunks, who promptly assaulted them. There were tearful apologies the next morning of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that Skeeter got a bottle shoved in his eye.

Because How Often Does A Stoner Throw A Punch?

Study: Heavy teens have trouble managing diabetes ~ Whereas physically fit teens have trouble contracting the malady.

2 teen girls who fell asleep while sunbathing on Pa. road are struck by car … ~ We can’t help but see this as a big win for the gene pool.

What’s the reason for Dodgers’ early surge? ~ Awesomeness, mostly. Pure awesomeness.

Women with PMS are better at seeing snakes ~ And that, folks, is absolutely the most positive spin they’re able to put on it.

Do Yourself A Favor: Stay Away.

‘Marrying down’ now is trending among women ~ Like that’s new. Hello? Smaktakula’s married!

Teen texts cops: ‘I hid the body … now what?’ ~ Now you cut off the fingertips and smash the teeth, making future identification of your victim more difficult for the authorities. Next, cover the body in lime to aid in decomposition. Lastly, as tempting as it may be to make a tearful, drunken confession to a close friend who will then inevitably turn you into the authorities, you’re best served by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll do it, though. You’ll talk.

Obama falls to Earth as just a politician ~ It happened a while ago, actually. The press is just now picking up on it.

How much can you trust a diagnosis from Dr. Google? ~ Seriously? Change your name, Creepo, and stay away from gynaecology altogether.

“Hey, Sweets…Maybe You Want To *heh heh* Have A Few Drinks *heh* Before You Come In.”

Headlines 10.19.11

19 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Yeah, But France Was Smart Enough To Quit Before Anyone Got Hurt.

Nothing but headlines.  You should know by now, folks–we don’t read so well.

***

Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.

Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer  ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.

36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last.  I wish I were dead.”

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.

“Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent Of The Law.”

Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.

Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.

Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.

He Pays For Himself. Check The Folds Once A Month And Collect The Accumulated Loose Change.

Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’  ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”

Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!

At Least He Fed Them Well.

MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal  piss.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich.  What?  You asked.

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?”  *** “How do you think?  Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you.  God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”

Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

‘Person’ And ‘Piñata’: Two Terms Often Confused By The LAPD.

What Won’t Paula Deen Fry?

15 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture

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By Smaktakula

Paula Enjoys A Delicious Snack Of Sugared Veal Fat Fried In Hog Oil.

White trash TV personality Paula Deen thinks that if it’s worth eating, it’s worth eating fried.  To Deen there exists no substance which could not be improved with breading and a fifteen-minute soak in molten hog lard.  As evidence, we present Paula’s recipe for fried butter balls.  For you folks watching your weight, don’t worry–Paula cuts the butter with a little cream cheese.

Deen can afford to be adventurous.  At 64 years old, she has long outlived the life-expectancy afforded by her diet.  What won’t she fry?

Frying It In Bacon Fat Helps Keep That Orange Shit Off Your Fingers.

If You Don't Want To Fry It, You Can Always Participate In Another Tradition Of The South, And Get Real High By Sucking The Nitrous Out Of The Can.

Pork Rinds: Even Better When Fried A Second--Or A Third--Time.

Lard Mixed With Raw Sugar Works Better, But What The Heck, Right?

Just Kidding About This One. We Thought We'd Try To Slip It Past You.

All We Want For Christmas

24 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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From The Promethean Times‘ Staff

If We Could Be Greedy And Ask For A Second Thing, It Would Be To Eliminate The Kind Of Useless Crap Store Where You Might Purchase A Card Such As This.

It’s not any sweater, stereo, gadget, gizmo, geegaw, doodad or accoutrement.

It’s not cash or gift cards.

It certainly isn’t world peace.

Our sole and fervent wish this December 25th is a simple one:  What we want is to extract a promise from nature, that no matter how badly our lives turn out, we’ll never, ever become this guy:

"Hey Ladies--Got Any German In Ya?"

People Of Size Undeserving Of Your Scorn

04 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

In A Perfect World Parents Would Have Another Option For Feeding Their Children. If Only There Were Some Kind Of Market Where Parents Could Purchase Fresh, Wholesome Food To Prepare For Their Children, That Would Be Super.

Recently, a blogger for Marie Claire was compelled to issue an abject apology after making derogatory comments about people of size.  In a scathing review of CBS‘ new fat show, Mike and Molly, columnist Maura Kelly called fat people “aesthetically displeasing,” and compared obesity to an addiction.  The nationwide eruption of hurt feelings took Marie Claire’s editors by surprise, and after some fumbling, they distanced themselves from the story and presumably forced Kelly’s apology.

It’s laughable to think that a simple act of contrition can exculpate either Kelly or Marie Claire for this deplorable instance of intolerance.  People of size may have massive, quivering bodies, but their self-esteem is by contrast as delicate as a sugar sculpture.  By shattering it, Kelly has only served to drive these waddling grotesqueries back into the cool, comforting embrace of the refrigerator in a vain effort to exorcise their pain.  The blogger should not only be fired, but also subjected to some sort of sensitivity-increasing exercise, such as the forced viewing of plumper porn.

Really? You'd Like To See These Two Baleen Going At It?

Kelly’s supporters argue that like drug addiction, eating disorders are medically recognized conditions, and that the writer’s opinions echo those of medical science.  Moreover, they’re likely to point to the fact that outside of fetishists, most people are turned off by fleshy truckloads of undulant blubber.

But She Has A Great Sense Of Humor.

These excuses betray the rotten logic of girthophobes.  Just because something is true doesn’t mean it should be said, if saying it means portraying an individual’s lifestyle choices as within his control.  Kelly is doing nothing more than blaming the individual for the situation in which he has put himself.

He Remains Curiously Unsympathetic To America's Obesity Epidemic.

The War On Fat is already lost.  The winners are the fast-food and processed food industries, who are in business for no other reason than to make money.  To flog their products, these companies stoop to advertising during children’s programming, and often include toys with their products.  These companies are perpetrating a modern Holocaust, preying on America’s inability to say NO.

Which is why the government will soon have to step in to provide the NO.  Once trans-fats, sodium, corn syrup and other dangerous additives have been removed from the American diet, the obesity epidemic should waste away like a North Korean peasant.  Until then, the disgustingly obese deserve to be treated with tolerance: they can’t help it.

Except For The Healthy Lifestyle Choices And The Hours Upon Hours In The Gym, Brad Pitt's Physique Is A Matter Of Pure Luck.

As If Being A Big Fatso Wasn’t Bad Enough . . .

16 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Culture, Health, National Events, People, Relationships

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Apparently, studies have shown that obese people have poor sexual health, despite getting less sex than their non-gelatinous counterparts.      

Hopefully the news that being a waddling grotesquery is not all sunshine and games will counter the media’s persistent efforts to make obesity seem chic, particularly among young women.      

Not The Sexual Powerhouse He Appears To Be

Plus, You Can’t See Your Penis: Obesity Can Take Toll on Sex Life.      

Smaktakula

A Nation Of Size

17 Wednesday Feb 2010

Posted by in Culture, Food, General Foolishness, Health, National Events

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By Smaktakula

Two seemingly disparate news stories from last week are really two sides of the same coin.  These events appear different from one another in a number of respects.  One is national news, the other tabloid gossip.  One is provocative, and–as are all things political in the new era–controversial.  The other just a little sad.  Yet they both speak to how much recent attention the media has given to food and health issues, and in particular, to the “obesity epidemic.”      

A Hutt of Size

First was the announcement of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign, a war on childhood obesity.  The much-discussed initiative has well-intentioned aims, but it is difficult to see it as anything other than as an another indication that government is in the parenting business for good.  That the nation as a whole is becoming increasingly unhealthy is something upon which most Americans will agree.  Still, it is a testament to how seriously the problem is perceived by Americans, that a growing portion of the electorate apparently believes that the government knows best what’s in the interest of the children.  Haven’t we already been told that it takes a village?      

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