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Tag Archives: Kim Il-sung

North Korea: Crazy For The Orympics

20 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 2018, competitive eating, football, Golf, happiness, impoverished third-world backwater, impoverished third-world hellhole, incredible sporting achievements, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, North Korea, Olympics, places that suck, Soccer, South Korea, South Korea > North Korea, Westchester County, Yemen

By Smaktakula

We're Not Making Excuses For N. Korea's Poor Performance, But The First Time The Team Saw An Actual Soccer Ball Was During The Match.

You have to admire those plucky North Koreans.  Starving, impoverished and confined to a backwater shithole that makes Yemen look like Westchester County, the North Koreans still manage to delude themselves with dreams as distorting of reality as those of any first-world nation.

South Korea > North Korea

North Korea has achieved this interior disconnect by building upon an incremental foundation of self-deception.   Recently this manifested itself in a self-scored second place in a worldwide happiness ranking.  Emboldened by their program of denial, the North Koreans have now expressed interest in piggybacking onto South Korea’s 2018 Olympic bid.  Unsurprisingly,  South Korean reception to this notion has been tepid at best.

The North Korean Power-Lifting Team Is The Pride Of Pyongyang.

Sport has taken on a greater emphasis under the comically despotic reign of Kim Jong-il than it did under his father, Kim Il-sung.  ‘Lil Kim is an accomplished athlete, numbering among his many athletic accomplishments an amazing eleven holes-in-one the very first time he played golf.

Goat Kicking: Shitty Country, Shitty Sports.

Despite being the global equivalent of the athsmatic fat kid picked last for kickball, the average North Korean is excited about the blighted hellhole’s negligible chance to co-host the Olympics.  Moreover, enthusiasm for the Games has grown in recent weeks with the spread of the false rumor that competitive eating has been added to the Olympic program.

In Famine-Ravaged North Korea, This Qualifies As Pornography.

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim: The Least Of Three Evils

16 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

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'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, comical despots, comically despotic dynasties, Eric Clapton, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-chol, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jong-un, Kimkinder, Korean Succession Crisis, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, loser, Macau, North Korea, Numba One Son, Numba Two Son, Pyongyang, the dude who owns the liquor store a block away from where you work, United States of America, video games, WikiLeaks, Wishnik Troll, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you, Young General

By Smaktakula

Ever Mischievous, Kim Jong-il Told This Soldier That The Cookie Jar Shaped Like The U.S. Capitol Was Filled With Nourishing Rice.

In the weeks following the announcement in Pyongyang regarding the planned succession of Kim Jong-un, the corpulent youngest son of decaying comical despot Kim Jong-il.  Kim Jong-un, known popularly as “The Brilliant Comrade” or according to some sources, “The Young General,” was initially considered a longshot for the succession due to his youth, backwardness and lack of a girlfriend despite being in his late twenties.

A Promotional Still From Kim's Short-Lived Reality Show, "Who Wants To Be A Third-World Despot?"

The Brilliant Comrade’s elevation caught most observers by surprise.  It was thought that the dying dictator might not name a successor at all, instead leaving the impoverished third-world hellhole in the capable hands of its generals.  However, revelations from documents released recently by WikiLeaks help to shed light on the succession mystery.

Kim Jong-chol: "Rook Out, Radies! Hot Stuff, Comin' Through!"

One source says of Kim Jong-un, “‘Lil ‘Lil Kim is a historical accident,” adding, “If either of his older brothers was worth a damn, the Brilliant Comrade could return to his first love: building intricately designed cuckoo clocks for his vast collection of doll houses.”  But for the tongue-tied tyrant such carefree days are behind him; although he never asked for the responsibility, it is incumbent upon Kim Jong-un to perpetuate the ruination of their homeland begun by his grandfather, Kim Il-sung and then continued by his father, Kim Jong-il.

When Asked The Reason For His Love Of Doll Houses, Kim Jong-un Replied, "Dorries Never Starve To D-D-Death."

For years it was assumed that Kim Jong-nam, eldest of the Kimkinder, would succeed his father upon the elder Kim’s much-rejoiced eventual death.  However, the demented Wishnik Troll is said to have soured on his playboy son after the younger Kim was caught trying to sneak into Japan for the admitted purpose of visiting Tokyo Disney.  Currently living an exile’s life in Macau, Kim Jong-nam has criticized his father’s choice of successor.  Sources close to Kim Jong-nam say that he is hoping to take power in Pyongyang when his younger brother fails.  This, of course, remains contingent on his surviving the inevitable assassination attempt resulting from his poorly chosen words.

Eldest Son Kim Jong-nam Looks Amazingly Like The Dude Who Owns The Liquor Store A Block Away From Where You Work.

The next son, Kim Jong-chol is no better.  A fan of Western music, Numba Two Son is said to have lost favor with his father after being spotted at an Eric Clapton concert in Germany.  Adding to Kim Jong-chol’s troubles is the perception that he lacks the requisite masculinity for North Korea’s premier job.  Most damning, however, are the revelations that the second son has moved into the dungeon below Kim’s palace, where he devotes all his time to video games.

The Video Games Were One Thing, But When Kim Jong-chol Began Showing Up To Strategy Meetings In Costume, His Father Could Take No More.

The anointing of ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim begins to seem less strange when weighed against his cretinous siblings.  True, the tubby tyrant is an awkward, maladjusted, friendless toad–but he may just be North Korea’s last, best hope.

Ever The Pragmatist, Kim's Philosophy Is "If You Can't Be With The One You Ruv, Baby, Better Ruv The One You're With."

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim Promoted

30 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, News

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, 4 Star General, Big Kim, Brilliant Comrade, Central Military Commission, comical despots, comically despotic dynasties, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, North Korea, Regions

By Smaktakula

Pyongyang announced recently that The Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un, son of comical despot Kim Jong-il has been made a vice-chairman of the Central Military Commission and promoted to the rank of Four Star General.  Most North Korea analysts see this as confirmation that ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim has been tapped to be his father’s chosen successor.

Big Kim, 'Lil Kim, 'Lil 'Lil Kim (Maybe).

At the tender age of twenty-seven (or possibly twenty-eight), The Brilliant Comrade has succeeded wildly in comparison to the shiftless couch-warmers who comprise his generation.  This kid’s a four-star general–guess you being the youngest partner at Lemitz, Lemitz and Mulcahy isn’t such a big fucking deal, huh?

"My Regions Will Destroy You! . . . What? . . . Regions. I Can't Berieve You Never Heard That. You Know, Rike A Bunch Of Sordiers. Regions."

Wyclef’s Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose

28 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Music, North America, People, Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Ben Jones, Caribbean, celebrity/statesman, fiduciary irresponsibility, Francois "Papa Doc" Duvalier, Fred Grandy, Fugeeman, Fugees, Haiti, hereditary dictatorship, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, presidential election, Rick Santorum, Sonny Bono, Wyclef Jean

By Smaktakula

Grammy winner Wyclef Jean announced recently that he was mulling a run in Haiti’s upcoming presidential election.  The Haitian-born ex-Fugee is reportedly filing the necessary paperwork in the event he decides to make a bid in November.        

What The Hell, Right? Haiti Could Do A Lot Worse. In Fact, It Has.

This revelation is less shocking than it might at first appear.  Jean is internationally renowned, both for his music and for his political activism, and is particularly beloved in his native Haiti.  Moreover, the recent financial troubles involving Jean’s charity indicate that he possesses the requisite fiduciary irresponsibility to hold Haiti’s highest office.       

In the United States, entertainers have for many years distinguished themselves in politics.  Fred “Gopher” Grandy, Ben “Cooter” Jones and Rick “Santorum” Santorum are some of the best-known.        

Jean Won't Be The First Entertainer To Try His Hand In Politics. He Could, However, Be The First Black One. Also The First To Be Worth A Damn.

If Jean is serious about his bid, he’ll think of a good nickname.  Everybody remembers the brutal hereditary dictatorship of the Duvaliers–the Kim Il-sung and Kim Jong-il of the Caribbean.  First there was Francois “Papa Doc” Duvalier, who ruled the country from 1957 through 1971.  He was succeeded by his son, Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier, who was finally ousted in 1986.  The Duvaliers may have been brutal thugs, but they had cool nicknames.       

Conversely, Jean-Bertrand Aristide was similarly despotic (although never matching the glorious excesses of the father and son tag-team), serving a couple non-consecutive terms before being chased out in 2004.  Despite being only six years removed from the national scene, the former priest is virtually forgotten.  A nickname may have been the only thing separating Aristide from historical immortality.  Jean-Bertrand Aristide is eminently forgettable, but “Gris-Gris” Aristide sticks in the memory.        

The Dynasty Duvalier: Despotism Done Right. Plus, Kick-Ass Nicknames!

Wyclef Jean is a man capable of making the leap from celebrity to statesman.  The right nickname will cement his place in history.  With this in mind, Promethean Times extends its most heartfelt wishes for success to Wyclef “Fugeeman” Jean.  Knock ’em dead, Fugeeman!

This Day In History: July 8, 1994 CE

08 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Cults, History, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

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Tags

'Lil Kim, 1994, Big Kim, comical despots, Great Leader, heart attack, July 8, Kim Il-sung, Kim il-sung was batshit crazy, Kim Jong-il, Korean War, North Korea, Pyongyang, this day in history

Kim Il-sung, North Korea’s Great Leader and instigator of the Korean War, dies of a heart attack at 82.

With The Great Leader's Goofy Son Kim Jong-il Woefully Unqualified To Succeed His Father, Totalitarian North Korea Should Fall By 1995. 1996 At The Latest.

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